Women urged by marketer to test for fertility

WAKEFIELD, Sheffield, Sunday (NNN) — Britain is facing an infertility timebomb, according to Professor Bill Ledger of Sheffield University, who just happens to have a side business, Biofusion plc t/a Lifestyle Choices, selling fertility tests, in the Observer yesterday.

Pregnant chavette smoking“Couples are sticking their heads in the sand,” he said. “Thirty-year-old women should take a ‘fertility MoT.’ Fortunately, I have some right here — a snip at a hundred quid a go. If the NHS won’t buy them from me, it could cause a devastating drop in national fertility!”

If necessary, women could then opt for a £200-300 ultrasound scan to look for other problems. “We do a nice line in those too.”

The call by Professor Ledger followed a week in which fertility dominated the news, with stories about postcode lotteries for those seeking IVF treatment. “My marketing director tells me this is completely coincidental. As medical technology suppliers of unimpeachable ethics, I’m sure we wouldn’t run a huge press campaign or features in Elsevier journals or anything.”

Professor Ledger is also a member of the Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority, the completely independent government regulator. “So who could you trust more than us? It’s almost an official endorsement! Except the bit where they negligently don’t give us money. That needs addressing.”

Professor Ledger also said that an education programme should be introduced in secondary and primary schools. “We can help with that too, at quite reasonable rates. Britain has the highest teenage pregnancy rates in Western Europe, but that’s no reason to be complacent! Besides, chavs don’t have any money to pay us directly.”

Taliban publicises new “cute fluffy kittens” code of conduct

AFGHANISTAN TRANSIT TRADE, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — The Taliban has issued a code of conduct for its operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

The code notes that “suicide attacks are not ‘right on’ and the Prophet probably wouldn’t have been that keen on them. Instead, be pleasant to people and make good and sincere friends with them, like that nice Mr Blair did so well.”

The code of conduct is similar to a previous document that emerged in 2006, and covers many topics:

    Osama bin Tinky Winky

  • “Mujahideen should not injure civilians or damage civilian property, even ones who won’t donate to a worthy cause like the Taliban’s work to bring about the Islamic Emirate, unlikely as that seems.”
  • “You certainly shouldn’t do anything horrible like sever ears, eyes, noses or lips. I mean, come on, that’s just icky.”
  • “Also, holding hostages for ransom — I mean, who does anything awful like that? Perish the thought.”
  • “Selling drugs isn’t nice either, even if it would be profitable. Remember, crime doesn’t pay!”

US and Afghan military officials have dismissed the document as propaganda. “Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous Islamist plot we have ever had to face,” said Lt. Cmdr. Christine Sidenstricker, U.S. military spokeswoman in Kabul. “Never trust a Klingon! Particularly an Islamist one!”

The Taliban is also likely to attempt to disrupt the forthcoming Afghan elections. The code of conduct explains: “Our brethren may be taken in by the well-meaning and plausible, but unfortunately misguided, American strategy. Please gently explain to our compatriots why such silliness is probably best not encouraged, and our American friends should instead be gently encouraged to find more meaningful things to be getting on with, perhaps at home. And that any Afghan voting in the elections will be impaled in the public square with the word ‘PIG’ written across his backside and his family slaughtered. Er, you didn’t write that last bit down? Good, good. Carry on!”

Gym gunman obviously another killer goth

BRIDGEVILLE, Pittsburgh, Tuesday (NNN) — In another example of appalling devil-worshipping Satanist carnage, a goth has shot up a gymnasium in Pittsburgh, killing three women and then himself.

George Sodini, Goth Killer“It’s obvious he was a goth,” said Police Commissioner Donut, “from his … ah … white … moustache. And he was wearing a blue check shirt. And he had a ‘blog.’ That proves it.”

Republican strategist Mike Murphy was quick to comment, noting the incident proved once again “we need ‘goth control,’ not ‘gun control!'” Charlton Heston rose from his grave to announce a series of NRA talks to be held at the gym next week.

Several jocks from your school have been seen chasing anyone wearing black or knowing how to work a computer shouting about how “yo’ shot our sweet Jesus!”

When asked for comment, Marilyn Manson was quoted as telling our reporter to “fuck off.”

Ronnie Biggs set loose to terrorise nation

NO-ONE IS INNOCENT, Rio Di Janeiro, Friday (NNN) — The Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has been released from prison on parole and is now free to wreak havoc upon society once more.

Ronnie Biggs, Killer RobotBiggs, who is 80 tomorrow, is bedbound and unable to speak after a series of strokes. Completely unrepentant of his crimes — robbery, assault and singing on a post-Lydon Sex Pistols record — it is feared he will seek out train drivers to assault with his spelling board and then give witty media interviews about having done so. The RMT and ASLEF have already called for strikes for their members’ safety.

“Crooks in those days weren’t mere drug-addled hoodlums,” said Great Train Robbery enthusiast Albert Tedious-Anorak, 54, of Little Boring. “They were folk heroes, Robin Hoods, with dash and daring and bravado and charm when they hit train drivers with iron bars.”

Justice minister Jack Straw had originally said he would “lock him away and swallow the key. I bet he’ll be on welfare and all.” However, public pressure forced him to relent and allow Biggs’ release, which entails him staying in the same hospital bed but not surrounded by armed guards. “It’ll end in tears, you know,” said Straw. “Without ID cards, there’s nothing Biggs can’t do out there. Nothing! You fools! You don’t know what you’ve wrought! He might actually live until tomorrow! Or even Sunday!”

Twitter crashes for ninety minutes, nerds traumatised

WEB 1.99 BETA, Cyberspice, Thursday (NNGadget) — Twitter.com crashed on Thursday at about 3pm BST due to a “denial of twat” attack from thousands of virus-infected Windows PCs under the control of terrorist masterminds. It came up again at around 4:30pm, before promptly crashing again under the weight of users all trying to tweet about the twauma at once.

Osama bin MobyStephen Fry has been hospitalised and is queueing messages from his PatientLine text terminal in readiness for the site returning. “Twatter ++ungood sweeties zomg I do believe I’m feeling a little faint.”

The source of the attack was originally hypothesised to be either the Russian Mafia, the Iranian security forces, the Chinese government or Alan Davies. Credit was eventually taken by the Confederation of British Industry, who also took down social not-working site Facebook, hoping for people to, you know, do some work at work.

News agencies around the world condemned the attack, which hit at the root of their online news-gathering processes and left them having to resort to following the Wikipedia “Recent Changes” feed. “Apparently BUSH IS GAY LOLOLOL [citation needed],” said the CNN front page headline. “Who knew?”

A new site, “Grunter,” has attempted to take up the slack. Users of “Grunter” are freed from the wordy excesses of Twitter’s 140-character limit and can post one of twelve pre-programmed onomatopoeic noises, such as “mmrph,” “huh,” “grah” or “tubgirl.”

Popular teenage angst poetry blogging and fan fiction site LiveJournal was affected by a similar attack at about the same time, but that attack was considered “just as well, really.”

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More women binge drinking real ale

CELEBRITY GOSSIP, Smile for the CAMRA, Sunday (NNN) — The number of women binge-drinking real ale has doubled in the past year to almost one in three, says the Campaign for Real Ale.

Breasts and their real ale JordanZ-list celebrities are regularly photographed in the London Lite supping a “pint,” little finger extended, a different beer each drink, discussing the shades of flavour in each beer, the state of network engineering at the BBC, their favourite computer programming languages and the latest gossip about Wikipedia editors, until their breasts accidentally fall out of their dresses and they start a drunken catfight over their favourite Terry Pratchett novel, at which point they start an extended discussion with the nearest paparazzo about his precise lens and camera settings.

Most of those trying real ale in the past year said it was brewed locally, and also thrown up again locally, if not directly recycled into Foster’s.

Almost 12,000 women were convicted for drink driving in 2007, with 2009 figures expected to mostly be on bicycles. Road safety experts blamed the so-called “spodette culture,” of women being loud, drunken, brawling, uncouth and foul-mouthed, usually concerning what one said about the other’s Perl code.

The newfound popularity of ale-drinking has extended to the City banking industry. “When you’re working and socialising with these people,” said one female trader, “it’s easy to slip into their lifestyle. I went with the guys to strip clubs and bars, spraying bottles of Tokyo* 18% stout around to celebrate a big deal. Being blonde and female I took my fair share of stick, but sometimes it’s in your favour to be underestimated. Think I can’t tell how long the Bodgett’s Wyrd Brew has been in the barrel? Fuck off!”

The government has started a new series of advertisements against binge ale drinking, warning of the dangers of drunk texting, drunk Facebooking, drunk Wikipedia editing and drunkenly falling pregnant to that cuddly middle-aged Star Trek enthusiast who lives with his parents. And is pathetically devoted to you ever since. And is paid a fortune as a system administrator. So probably not completely awful on balance, then.

Did Jesus reveal the name of the “antichrist”?

Guest post by Joe Kovacs of WorldNetDaily

GROUND ZERO, The Rapture, any day now, you’ll see (WND exclusive) — For centuries, Christians have wondered about the identity of a future leader who will do Satan’s bidding to thwart the plans of Jesus Christ and introduce socialised medicine shortly before His prophesied return to Earth. That leader has come to be known as “the antichrist.”

Barack ChristNow, advanced analysis of Luke 10:18 — “I beheld Satan as lightning fall from heaven” — shows that the Greek word for “lightning” is “astrape,” the Hebrew word for which is “Baraq;” and the Hebrew for “height,” as in “heaven,” is “Bamah.”

The financial bailout, started as a holy work by George W. Bush, demonstrates the Kenyan citizen Obama’s Satanic intentions in having the temerity to continue it, evangelising the worship of Mammon in the sinful financial alleys of New York.

Further research has shown that Obama’s health policies go directly against the word of Leviticus, in their subsidy for gay marriage, divorce, mixed fibers and shellfish. Leviticus chapter 1 also specifies how God likes His barbecue done in important detail.

Finally, the Wikipedia article on Obama has had vital information on the real circumstances of his birth removed repeatedly by the cabal of leftist Satan-worshipping administrators, despite the efforts of several users (User:JoeKovacs, User:KovacsJoe, User:JKovacs and User:JKWND in particular) to preserve it. The word “wiki” comes from the pagan word for “quick,” while “pedia” means “sex with children.”

Indeed, the Internet is the source of some of the most horrifyingly Satanic material in existence, proselytising the One-World government of the Antichrist forming around the Democrat Party. We must fight this every day, without fail. We must battle for the destruction of the world Net, daily … I’m sorry, I’ll start again.

Banks utterly surprised to be paying squillions in bonuses again

THE MEMORY HOLE, London EC1, Monday (NNN) — Barclays and HSBC have passionately defended the City’s culture of bonuses barely a year after the government bailout of the financial system.

Bomb-throwing capitalist“I am shocked, shocked — oh, my cheque? Thank you! — that such bonuses have had to be paid again,” said John Varley, chief executive of Barclays. “Naughty, naughty traders! What can you expect, they’re like kids, they are. They’re like Premier League footballers or Hollywood rock stars or something else that sounds cooler than ‘rapacious scum.’ And we just have to be Roman Abramovich to compete. There are other oligarchs to impress, you know! I mean, there’s a financial system to keep pumping. Capital flowing efficiently to where it’s most needed, or will grow fastest anyway. We’re the arteries of the free market and the traders are the aneurysms. I’m sorry, I’ll start that again.”

A jump in profits for both banks led to speculation as to huge pay deals, with details to be published on Wikileaks later in the week. Barclays Capital has profits of half the British Isles, while HSBC has options on half of Hong Kong.

But criticism of the banks came from across the political spectrum. Vince Cable, the Liberal Democrat Treasury spokesman, said the Financial Services Authority needed to show “real teeth” rather than the false ones that worked so well from 1997 until 2008. Minister for Women and Equality Harriet Harman said they needed more women in the boardrooms of major banks. Shadow chancellor George Osborne replied that Mrs Thatcher was getting on a bit, but did so well last time that they were sure she’d still do a better job than the current government.

Stuart Gulliver of HSBC explained: “If a trader makes a deal, they know two days later how much they made. If it’s a five million profit, that is something we can count, we can see it, it’s real. If it turns out a couple of years later to be a hugely leveraged disaster requiring trillions in government bailouts to avert the total collapse of the world economy, how were they to know? It’s most unfair and disrespectful of artistic genius. We’re putting the 2008 crash in for this year’s Turner Prize.”

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Labour to put CCTV in worst 24.7 million households

NEVER AGAIN, Well Hardly Ever, Sunday (NNN) — In a “Back To Basics” return to fundamental working class values, or a reasonable substitute, Labour has announced that CCTV will be used to keep the worst families in Britain in line, children’s secretary Ed Balls announced to the Sunday Excess yesterday.

St George’s Berlin Wall“We have a £400 squillion PFI plan to put the very worst problem families under 24-hour CCTV supervision in their own homes to ensure that children attend school, go to bed on time and eat proper meals. Privatised security guards will carry out on-the-spot checks. Their parents will be hooked to a polygraph and questioned on whether they have gone over Department of Health recommendations on alcohol consumption per week.

“But don’t worry! It won’t happen to you. Just to those chavvy yobs down the street. Discipline!”

In the run up to the next election, Labour has sworn to get back in touch with its grass roots, or what New Labour remembers about them. “We’ll imprison asylum seekers! Particularly in BNP-voting areas! Swan-eating illegalised! Public massacres of gyppos! Bring the kids! Fun for all the family! Pitchforks, torches and page three girls supplied! The Tories can’t possibly outdo this one!”

Dave Cameron said he probably couldn’t, but he’d “give it a good old go. Defend our title, what? Norman Tebbit back in Cabinet, that should be a good start. We just have to keep mirrors and sunlight out of range.”

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Ministry of Health welcomes suicide ruling

MINILUV, Oswiecim, Friday (NNN) — The Ministry of Health has applauded the Law Lords’ verdict in the assisted suicide case, suggesting it opens the way to fixing the NHS budget.

Andy Burnham cries real tears“Where there’s a living will, there’s a way!” said health secretary Andy Burnham. “Of course, the death of a patient is a tragedy every time. I cry real tears, smearing my eyeliner as you can see. But I cry more tears when I look at my budget. Sorry, the mike wasn’t on for that, was it?”

Hospitals will be rebranded as members of the Indignitas chain, in a PFI scheme run by EDS Capita Goatse in conjunction with IBM and Bayer AG. Entering an NHS hospital will, under law, be considered expression of a sincere and deeply-held death wish. “Anyone going into an NHS hospital has given up caring if they live, die or are slowly digested by MRSA anyway. This just lets us formalise the process.”

The Department for Work and Pensions has put into place a new rule that those unemployed for two years will have to enter into a Death Experience Scheme for six months.

Lord Peter Mandelson also praised the decision for “giving clarity to those cases where a loved one, who has lost all ability and awareness and is sadly incapable of going on, really does need to be sent to the knackers’ yard. The moves to allow life peers to relinquish their peerage and, say, re-enter Parliament via a safe seat, are entirely coincidental, though we may sadly have to employ them, say, next year. Purely hypothetically.”

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