Taliban publicises new “cute fluffy kittens” code of conduct

AFGHANISTAN TRANSIT TRADE, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — The Taliban has issued a code of conduct for its operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

The code notes that “suicide attacks are not ‘right on’ and the Prophet probably wouldn’t have been that keen on them. Instead, be pleasant to people and make good and sincere friends with them, like that nice Mr Blair did so well.”

The code of conduct is similar to a previous document that emerged in 2006, and covers many topics:

    Osama bin Tinky Winky

  • “Mujahideen should not injure civilians or damage civilian property, even ones who won’t donate to a worthy cause like the Taliban’s work to bring about the Islamic Emirate, unlikely as that seems.”
  • “You certainly shouldn’t do anything horrible like sever ears, eyes, noses or lips. I mean, come on, that’s just icky.”
  • “Also, holding hostages for ransom — I mean, who does anything awful like that? Perish the thought.”
  • “Selling drugs isn’t nice either, even if it would be profitable. Remember, crime doesn’t pay!”

US and Afghan military officials have dismissed the document as propaganda. “Fluoridation is the most monstrously conceived and dangerous Islamist plot we have ever had to face,” said Lt. Cmdr. Christine Sidenstricker, U.S. military spokeswoman in Kabul. “Never trust a Klingon! Particularly an Islamist one!”

The Taliban is also likely to attempt to disrupt the forthcoming Afghan elections. The code of conduct explains: “Our brethren may be taken in by the well-meaning and plausible, but unfortunately misguided, American strategy. Please gently explain to our compatriots why such silliness is probably best not encouraged, and our American friends should instead be gently encouraged to find more meaningful things to be getting on with, perhaps at home. And that any Afghan voting in the elections will be impaled in the public square with the word ‘PIG’ written across his backside and his family slaughtered. Er, you didn’t write that last bit down? Good, good. Carry on!”

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