BBFC refuses classification for Japanese horror film “Grotesque”

WHITEHOUSE, Your Happy Place, Wednesday (NNN) — Japanese horror film Grotesque has been refused an 18 certificate by the British Board of Film Classification (BBFC) because of its graphic torture scenes.

Japanese television mankini guysBBFC director David Cooke said it presented “little more than an unrelenting and escalating scenario of humiliation, brutality and sadism. And no, that’s not a marketing feature.”

The plot is minimal. Two censors are snatched off the street and wake up shackled in a basement. With no explanation, a sadistic Internet degrades, tortures and mutilates them. The film features graphic dismemberment, extreme anal dilation, two girls and one cup. Special effects are apparently by Barbra Streisand.

The refusal of classification means it is illegal to sell or even distribute the film in the UK at all. “This will completely protect the UK from this filth, as people will certainly not ship in a DVD from Japan or get friends in other countries to burn a copy. Nor will they BitTorrent it just because it’s in the news and treasure their download of this odious lump of grot they’d have paid no attention to whatsoever except for us — oh, my promotional fee? Thank you! — and horror fans won’t swap it amongst themselves as if it’s precious. By the way, we’re in discussions with the Internet Watch Foundation about how to keep the BBFC relevant and well-loved in the twenty-first century world of Steampunk Britain.”

The BBFC has drawn criticism for allowing films such as the Danish horror Antichrist and the American “torture porn” films Saw and Passion of the Christ to be distributed in Britain. “But this is, after all, Japanese. I think I speak for all Britons when I say: Dear Japanese people, please — just stop it. Love, British people.”

Sony unveils less huge PlayStation 3

GAMESCOM, Ichiyaga Camp, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Sony is releasing the new PlayStation 3 Slim across Europe in early September, in the hope that anyone will remember the PS3 still exists.

Sony PlayStation 3 Black MonolithThe new light-weight version is two-thirds of the size and weight, only requiring a single, much smaller, extra room built onto your house, fitted with 13-amp 405-volt three-phase power. The new, more compact enriched uranium fuel rods are not supplied.

PlayStation chief Kazuo Hirai made the announcement at the GamesCom conference in Cologne, in a move widely seen as an attempt to regain momentum in the battle against rival Microsoft and put off having to ritually disembowel himself with a sword. “Our competition is absolutely the XBox 360. That’s the one to beat! Thank God they didn’t build hardware that worked, we’d have real trouble if they had.”

The PS3 has struggled thanks to its high price and lack of games, not to mention competition from the Nintendo Wii, which, apart from costing half as much, is actually fun. The Sony console did, however, have spectacular launches in Japan and America, with tens of fans queuing through the night to get their hands on the console, particularly with their Sony employee discount. The machines sold at only half the price on eBay soon after.

Wikipedia reaches 3 million articles, stalls and dies

WIKIALITY, The Tenderloin, Saturday (NNN) — The online encyclopedia, knowledge base, social networking site, essay repository, blog, search engine, news aggregator, dessert wax and floor topping Wikipedia has reached its three millionth article and ceased all editing.

Bouncy Wikipedia logoPalo Alto Research Center reported that only 1% of edits by random users were kept. “They were all unspeakable shit,” said burnt-out administrator WikiFiddler451. “All of them. No, I’m not exaggerating. Go to Special:Newpages and read a day’s entries some time. You’ll start by deleting the whole database, before you get onto plotting the doom of humanity. Christ, why go on?”

Recent media coverage has highlighted the “inclusionist/deletionist” wars of 2005, including enquiries from Endemol looking for a “passionate deletionist” to join Big Brother 11, “preferably one with big tits.” It is thought that Wikipedia could have had ten million articles by now had they not viciously abused their editorial powers by deleting your valuable contributions about you, your teacher at school, your garage band or your dog or the many cameraphone pictures you uploaded of your penis.

“Everything’s already been written,” said WikiFiddler451, burning the last of his Star Wars figurines before leaving for his rehabilitation course in social interaction skills and basics of hygiene. “Do you have any idea how big THREE MILLION articles is? A BILLION GODDAMN WORDS! Are you going to read more than a droplet of that in your life? No you aren’t. You’re following your goddamn Twitter.

“But hey, only two million articles are The Simpsons in popular culture or Doctor Who in popular culture. No-one actually reads this stuff, they just write it. We have LiveJournal for stuff people write that no-one wants to read. ‘Oh, I wandered lonely as a cheeseburger/ My passionate angst filling my Coke with darkness.’ Or Knol. KNOL! I’ll just Bing that one.”

Shell-shocked veterans of Wikipedia are at a loss now that it’s all over — wandering the alleyways of the Internet, mumbling to themselves about “ANI” and “we had to delete the village in order to save it,” threatening the policemen moving them on with “arbitration” and bursting into tears when the policeman answers “citation needed.” Mere children, sent into the culture wars to save knowledge from horrors they barely understood, and coming home as crippled wrecks. No victory parades for these brave men and women. There is only so much Citizendium, Uncyclopedia and 4chan can do for these child heroes. With your help, we can build Potemkin wikis for these honorable veterans, where they can safely ban and unban, revert and edit-war, and correct the naming of Danzig Gdansk Danzig Gdansk without the possibility of damage to actual human readers. Please donate so that they may never bug you again.

Facebook sacking highlights hidden dangers of stupidity

YOUR FRIENDS LIST, DeadJournal, Friday (NNN) — The dangers of stalkers destroying the lives of the extremely stupid on social networking sites,when you should just stay quiet and watch television, was highlighted again this week after a woman called Lindsay was sacked for posting “OMG I HATE MY JOB. My boss is a total pervvy wanker always making me do shit stuff just to piss me off!!” where her boss could read it and fire her by comment.

Drunk Facebook girlOffice workers get interrupted on the job as often as eleven times per hour, costing as much as $588 billion squillion zillion in paid time lost to “work” each year from valuable peer-to-peer creative cultural participation in the fulfilment of the promise of the computer-mediated throbbing flow of twenty-first century participation in society in such flourishing hotbeds of unlimited human potential as “What femninine hygeine prodcut are yuo?” quizzes on Facebook and photos of bowel movements on Twitter.

Studies have found that workers interrupted by e-mail and telephones scored lower on an IQ test than a test group that had smoked marijuana. Unfortunately, EPA regulations still forbid bong hits at one’s desk, even when trying to fix one’s makefile.

Drunk Facebook girl 2

“There are reasonable precautions the non-stupid can take,” said labour lawyer Mary Beth Currie. “A secondary Facebook profile with only workmates as friends and a cardboard cutout as the photo. This is useful when putting the cardboard cutout at one’s desk before going off to the loo to look at porn on your iPhone. Of course, if you’re my minion and don’t add me to your main account, I fire you.”

Lindsay was upset, but unrepentant. “Thank fuck for Facebook. What the hell did people do at work all day before computers?”

Mandelson fights back Internet pirate hordes

THE INDIFFERENCE ENGINE, Steampunk Britain, Sunday (NNN) — Seven million Britons face having their internet connection cut off and fines of up to £50,000 as Digital Britain is implemented.

The home computer of 1954, with pirateLord Carter, the report’s author, has now left the Government for consultancies unknown. Lord Mandelson, who has taken over responsibility for digital policy, has been persuaded of the need for a tougher approach after entreaties from starving music mogul David Geffen, who was introduced to him by the Rothschild family. “He warned me in 2001 that these ‘MP3 players’ would lead to the downfall of civilisation. I understand iPods were popular in the City just before the Great Recession, you know.”

Internet piracy is estimated by the movie and music industries to cost them around £1.4 million billion squillion a year, ripped untimely from their generous artist-supporting pockets.

Critics have compared the proposals to King Canute, failing to turn back the tide. “So it’s up to the Government to supply the sandbags. We have an industry to defend!”

Ofcom, the broadcasting regulator, will require Internet providers to record users downloading illegal content. The magical copyright detector, which the music industry just knows the ISPs are being obstructive in not enabling immediately, will be used to send a massive voltage up through serious repeat offenders’ Internet connections and into their chairs.

Labour backbencher Tom Watson said the sanctions would attach an “unbearable burden” on an emerging technology with the power to transform society. “Sounds just fine to me,” said Lord Mandelson.

Kerry McCarthy, Labour MP for Bristol East, will be in charge of the party’s Internet campaigning ahead of the general election. “Voters will increasingly be searching the web to find out what we think about the issues. If we haven’t cut them off.”

In other news, membership of the Pirate Party UK, launched earlier in the week, has been increasing at 100 new members per hour.

Shock as Twitter not entirely “pointless babble”

WEB 1.99 RC 1, Cyberspice, Thursday (NNGadget) — Only 98% of Twitter updates are “pointless babble,” says a new report that studied 2,000 tweets over a period of two weeks.

Twitter ShitterThe top category was “pointless babble” tweets, with nearly 98% of tweets being inanity no sane person could want to read, retweets of inanity, links to inanity, retweets of links to inanity and retweets of retweets of links to links to the reretweet itself. And camera phone pictures of bowel movements on Twitpic.

Almost 2% was Stephen Fry, Neil Gaiman or retweets thereof. Most of the rest was Warren Ellis posting scatological abuse of his fans.

Botnet command messages were becoming more popular, many disguised as combinations of the syllables “lol” “wtf” “d00d” “RT” and “#fb” or scatological abuse of Warren Ellis’s fans.

Twitter’s demographics as of June 2009 were 55% female, 43% ages 18 to 34, 78% white, and 99.5% of such short attention spans that Facebook might as well be War and Peace. Botnet readership was considered likely to rise as soon nothing with organic intelligence would be able to cope.

Twitter recently redesigned its homepage, changing the tag “What are you doing now?” to “Post tomorrow’s CNN headlines, particularly about #goatse.”

West fights for democracy, justice and marital rape in Afghanistan

REEPERBAHN, Helmand, Friday (NNN) — Afghanistan has passed a law permitting Shia men to deny their wives food if they refuse to obey their husbands’ sexual demands, to the embarrassed silence of the international community and its fighting forces.

Lil’ Kim in a burqa and bikiniActivists say the law contradicts the Afghan constitution and international treaties the country has signed. “But I’m sure we can deal with that in due course,” said Afghan president Hamid Karzai, “particularly once the fundies have gotten the votes in. There’s one of those ‘election’ things you people are so fond of coming up, you know.”

Proposed amendments include having to ask nicely and not slapping a bitch too hard afterwards. Non-marital rapists will be required to pay “blood money” to girls injured during a rape, before the girl is of course stoned to death as an adulterer.

General Sir David Richards noted that British military involvement in the country may last decades. “This is what our boys are dying for. Half a century of legal rape is a small price to pay for truth and justice for all men.”

The US and Britain invaded Afghanistan to deal with the Taliban and “bomb them back to the stone age. But it looks like they’re already there, which saves us some time.”

Disney to film Diary of Anne Frank

BOULEVARDE OF BROKEN DREAMS, Los Angeles, Wednesday (N! News) — Disney will film a new version of The Diary of Anne Frank, to be written, directed and co-produced by David Mamet.

Disney’s Diary of Anne Frank in 3D!Mamet will use the famed diary to tell the story of the young Jewish girl who hid with her family from the Nazis in the an attic in Amsterdam. “Love the story, love the themes, love everything about it, baybee, I spent a year getting the rights!” he said. “Don’t wanna change a thing! I’ve got my own original take on the material, of course. I’m going to re-frame the story as a young girl’s rite of passage. You know, from living to dead. Though the ‘dead’ bit is up in the air at this stage.”

Disney execs have granted Mamet complete artistic freedom, with only passing executive suggestions of Jean-Claude Van Damme as the SS officer who steals Frank’s heart and the voice of Jerry Seinfeld as her mouse companion, animated by the Pixar division. An additional scene includes Frank leaping a CGI shark.

“It’s gonna be the greatest thing seen on the Hollywood screen,” said Mamet. “I promise you’ll see every penny of the FX spend right there in fronna ya. When Dr Manhattan destroys Berlin … no, I don’t wanna give anything away on the record. Your people can do lunch with my people and we can discuss it then. Sequel’s already greenlighted! Love ya, baybee!”

Obama fights back on health care plan

RATCHED, Massachusetts, Tuesday (NNN) — President Barack Obama has asked Americans not to believe “rumors” that his health reform initiatives will lead to a government-run health care system, push Medicare recipients to die rather than run up their bill or lead to widespread euthanasia of the Republican “base.”

Trust Dr Obama with the knife“Let me start by dispelling the outlandish rumors that reform will promote euthanasia, or cut Medicaid, or bring about a government takeover,” said Mr Obama. “That’s simply not true. Furthermore, our proposed tests would still rule Sarah Palin as being human and actually alive, despite the evidence from the brain machines.”

Sarah Palin has spoken in horror of the centralised “death boards” she says Obama wishes to introduce, instead of the ones that individual hospitals run now to send people home to die when their money runs out. “Scientists like Stephen Hawking would have been killed off by the National Health Service,” she said, “if they’d grown up in Eng-er-land!”

Peter Ferrara from Fox News refused to buy Mr Obama’s claims. “The Obama health plan is based on evidence — but evidence leads to science, and science leads to Darwinian evolution being applied to you and yours! He’ll raise health costs, make freedom of choice illegal, ration health care and build a machine feeding illegal aliens in luxury on the corpses of aborted Republican babies, sacrificed in a gay Muslim Kenyan ceremony. You can buy my book on it at for just $19.99. Call now! Operators standing by!”

Dannii Minogue quits Botox in favour of 240 volts

BRITAIN’S GOT CHRONIC AMBITION, Minus Talent, Tuesday (N! News) — Second-string actress, second-string pop singer, second-string X Factor judge and sister of someone famous for actual star quality Dannii Minogue claims she has stopped using Botox, the wrinkle-beating injection that paralyses and relaxes facial muscles.

Dannii Minogue in wired-up robot formHer decision comes after public criticism for her alleged lack of facial expression on the X Factor, hence insufficient visible disgust with Simon Cowell.

Ms Minogue revealed in an interview that she is now ready for a more natural look. “Thor os so moch prossure on womon,” she told Aging Bimbo magazine. “Off you con bo hoppy woth yoursolf, thot’s tho morn thong.”

Her facial muscles will be operated using wires hooked to the same mains connection that powers the rest of her body. “Tho orms, tho logs, tho loght-op solocone brosts woth MP3 ployor. Ot’s oll good.”

Ms Minogue says almost everyone she knows has had Botox. “Oxcopt Choryl Cole. Sho’s not smort onough to work hor foce onywoy.”

She dismisses the notion that Botox use is somehow unusual. “To moy, Botox os no more onosoal thon toothposte. Thot’s whoy O tolk loke thos.”