Universal Internet filter plans detailed

SECURITY EIGHTPLEX, Whitehall Odeon, Sunday (NNN) — The UK Council for Child Internet Safety will be mandating word filters on all Internet communications in the UK.

Censored Cliche Kitty“We have buttiduously canvbutted the industry, buttessed what is available and buttembled the finest selection of PFI contractors for this buttignment,” said Schools Secretary Ed Balls. “The filters will buttociatively clbuttify all communications and filter then, I can butture you, rebuttemble them with surpbutting exacbreastude in any quanbreasty. Consbreastuents can be rebuttured that a mulbreastude of industry compebreastors will butture quality and keep our clbuttrooms safe. EDS Capita Goatse will not embarbutt us.”

The plans have attracted wide criticism. “It will only give supersbreastious rebutturance to medireview thinkers,” said the Open Rights Group. “Automated systems won’t solve human problems like loveual harbuttment. Mbuttacring the written word into a Picbutto painting is not the anbreastank missile of Internet safety.” Unions also butterted that such close buttessment of staff in the workplace would hamper efficiency and could verge on workplace harbuttment. “Watermeloning cranberries.”

Balls was unfazed. “Butterting free speech is one thing, but a triparbreaste committee considers that that does not justify mere pbuttive breastillation at the expense of others.”

The first filtering offices will be set up in Arsenal, Penistone and Scunthorpe.

Brown: No compromise on Icelandic terrorism

ALÞING, Westminster, Saturday (NNN) — President Gordon W. Brown has declared there will be “no compromise” on Icelandic terrorist attacks on British money.

Gotcha!Icelandic terrorism has brought the City to its knees. London transport and council rubbish collection has stopped because of the Icelanders having all their money. Police response has been hampered by the Icelanders having all their money. Their terrorist leader Geir bin Haarde is rumoured to be hiding in terrorist volcanic caves near Reykjavík, sleeping on a great big terrorist bed made of British money.

“They come over here,” said Mr Brown, “and sell us cut-price frozen foods, run very hard TV quiz shows and sing incomprehensible airy-fairy gibberish with a terrible hairdo. We will respond with the Mother Of All Diplomatic Protests!”

Icelandic business assets have been frozen, Icelanders’ money is being shipped to Guantánamo Bay and Björk and Sigur Rós have been required to participate in Eurovision. “Together!”

Mr Brown warned: “This could have dire consequences for our nation. But we must stand firm even in the face of a new cod war.”

Murdoch announces “Keep Johnny Foreigner Out” barrier

GRUB STREET, Wapping, Tuesday (NNN) — The Prime Minister, Rupert Murdoch, has announced new restrictions on immigrants to the UK from outside the EU, as part of his £3 trillion “Keep Johnny Foreigner Out” project to solve all the country’s problems by keeping anyone from coming here. “They’re only here to steal good British jobs, like fish gutting, winkle picking, gangmastered crop harvesting, organised begging or enforced prostitution. Fair crack o’ the raw prawn, mate!”

St George’s Berlin Wall“The Anti-Wog Barrier, with its Page 3, St George’s flag and lager traps, is Britain’s first defence against the Johnny Foreigner Menace,” said Rebekah Wade, Secretary for Mutual Understanding, in official government gazette The Sun today.

“We stand firm with the Murdoch Party in this important initiative,” said Piers Morgan, leader of the Daily Mail Party. “It’s the only way to protect our nation from invading Poles and Romanians, coming over here with their EU passports just as if they’re European or something. It’s political correctness gone mad! I read they ate a swan!”

“As an old-style Conservative and mayor of an international city,” said London mayor Boris Johnson, “I believe this initiative needs to be handled in a reasonable and sensitive way. Make sure they have a decent income, what? And a respectably well-spoken accent. We can help integrate them, take them to the rugby or boating. I’m Turkish, you know!” he added, brandishing his promotional family tree.

“As civil servants, we perform our assigned duties in a professional, efficient and effective manner as directed by those with the proper authority,” said minor administrator Gordon Brown.

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Balls handles extremism in schools

THE PANOPTICON, Airstrip One, Wednesday (NNN) — Schools are being advised on how to spot pupils becoming drawn to violent extremism and terrorism.

The Naughtiest Girl is a MonitorSchools Secretary Ed Balls has formed the School Teacher’s Association for Special Instruction, with a new system involving named contacts to report concerns of extremism to. Guidelines will be made available to teach pupils from age three and up the vital importance of rooting out extremism.

Teachers should protect the well-being of pupils who may be vulnerable to being drawn to extremism, says the Learning Together to be Safe kit, and will be required by law to file a report with social services upon suspicion.

Al-Qaeda influenced extremism is the current security threat, but other problematic behaviour will be targeted. “Anything the slightest bit suspect, be sure to report it.” Times and places are all that will be needed for investigation in the national CCTV network tape library and ID card database.

“Our goal must be to empower our young people to come together to expose violent extremists,” said Mr Balls, “in whatever form it takes. We will teach them to be firm, disciplined and regimented against extremism and fight viciously to vanquish any trace of it they are pointed at. That’s how to build a free-thinking democratic citizenry!”

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Creativity to be promoted on commercial TV

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (N! News) — Viewers will have the opportunity “to see more of our finest creative advertising minds at work” under proposals put forward by Ofcom to deal with the drop in television advertising revenue.

Sad toilet in snowThe report notes: “The advertising industry is powerfully adept at producing thirty-second immaculately-constructed visual masterpieces, perfect for the modern on-the-go citizen. We also hope to bring long-form works to the viewer, which they presently must seek out themselves on home shopping channels. We feel this will alleviate the monotony of shows such as The X Factor.”

Broadcasters are currently restricted to showing an average of eight minutes an hour of advertising during peak times, amounting to a maximum of 40 minutes across the five-hour period. The new plan involves eight minutes an hour of programming, amounting to a maximum of 40 minutes across an evening.

“We want to ensure that viewers continue to benefit from a wide range of advertising-funded television services. We feel there is no prospect of this backfiring, as it’s not as if there’s any alternative to television,” said the preliminary report, which is also available on YouTube and BitTorrent.

“Ofcom has taken on board our opinion that any suggestion of ‘regulatory capture’ by the bodies it is meant to set the rules for is piffle,” said Channel Four. “But we understand these moves are controversial, and strongly suggest people call in with their opinion on our 0900 line, at only 95p a minute.”

“Oh dear, what a pity, never mind,” said a BBC spokesman, opening champagne.

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Smaller institutions seek Treasury assistance

WALL ALLEY, East Cheam, Tuesday (NNN) — The global financial crisis may require a multi-billion pound injection of public money over coming days. Smaller institutions are now seeking help, such as the First National Bank of East Cheam.

Million pound noteFounded by Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam earlier this month, the bank has put in urgent asset warnings with the Treasury. “Holdings are way down. Our assets are incredibly leveraged. Capital ratio’s buggered. Our, er, co-la-ta-rul-ised debt obligations have us tied in knots. In knots! It’s a tragedy, it is.”

Mr Busybody has urged the Treasury to mount a rescue package immediately for the bank. “If we go under, whoosh! It’d collapse the East Cheam banking sector. All them widows and orphans! You wouldn’t believe it, honestly you wouldn’t. Interbank lending’s collapsed. I can’t get any of ’em to cough up an overnight liquidity loan. Spare us five million quid, mate? Just till tomorrow. I’ll be good for it. With Treasury backing.”

Chancellor Alistair Darling responded to Mr Busybody’s pleas with an offer to send Peter Mandelson around to discuss the matter. “Oh, er, that’s all right then, we’ll be fine, fine. Sorrytotroubleyou I’lljustgonow.”

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Pope raps on global financial crisis

VATICAN RAG, Rome, Monday (NNN) — The global financial crisis is proof that the pursuit of money and success is pointless, Pope Benedict XVI has told the Twelfth Ordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops in Rome.

Pope Flavor Flav XVI“Those who seek success, career or money are building on sand. They should look instead to the Church and build on the solid rock of guilt, sexual repression and jam tomorrow.” Attendees duly placed sand into the collection plate.

“The Church must bring people to a vivid encounter with God,” said the former leader of the Holy Inquisition. “There is no reason to fear that the church and its members will go too far and harm freedom,” he added, leaving everyone feeling thoroughly reassured.

Secular governments, he added, have “no reason to fear” the social teachings and activities of the Church, which “does not aim at power, nor does it expect privileges or aspire to economic or social advantage,” in an inexplicable change from hundreds of years of historical evidence.

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Police taser terrorist Welsh sheep

LLANLLUBBER, Carmarthen, Saturday (NNN) — A Welsh separatist sheep, Sparky, has been peaceably brought down with a taser on the A55 by North Welsh police.

The sheep, a member of the Radical Jihadist wing of Plaid Cymru, was attempting a dangerous public demonstration that sheep could work as well in riddles as any chicken.

Punk sheepA police spokesman said: “We received numerous calls reporting a loose ram crossing over both carriageways of the A55 at St Asaph, calling for jihad, causing major disruption and possible danger to motorists. Besides, he had a knife! And child pornography!”

Kate Fowler-Reeves, head of campaigns at Animal Aid, said: “This animal, already a victim of an oppressive farming industry, was treated like a violent criminal. He deserved instead to be treated with some sensitivity and respect, and due process as to the illegal search and seizure of his bomb-making equipment and copy of My First Taliban.”

Richard Brunstrom, chief constable of North Wales Police, said that the 50,000 volt electric stun gun would provide “better and quicker protection to ordinary patrol officers in remote locations, faced with dangerous or violent sheep. I volunteered to be a target for a taser so I could feel the effects of the weapon. My doctor has restricted me to only going back no more than monthly, however.”

Peter Mandelson returns from the undead

THE TOMBS, Downing Street, Friday (NNN) — Gordon Brown today explained his astonishing decision to bring his bitter rival Peter Mandelson back into the Cabinet as business secretary: “My God, I am so completely fucked, even Mandy looks a good idea.”

Mandelson, Prince of DarknessBaron Mandelson, 679, of Transylvania, smiled for the cameras, only having to reconstitute himself twice when the flashes dissolved him into dust. “I only enter where I am invited,” he said in sepulchral Eurocratic tones. “When I am called upon, I shall return.”

Labour MPs rushed to greet the chief architect of New Labour, many carrying wooden stakes, garlic and crosses.

Mr Mandelson has had a chequered career in office. Previous Cabinet terms have ended with unfortunate resignations due to being beheaded by angry villagers, burnt at the stake, wrapped in chains and thrown to the bottom of the Volga and, in one case, nuked from orbit.

“Serious people are needed for serious times,” said Mr Brown in a monotone, staring glassily into space. “I hear and obey. Am advised.”

David Cameron was unavailable for comment, with only the sound of cackling glee and champagne corks audible on the line.

Boris opens design competition for “Robo-Commissioner”

CHAP CENTRAL, Southbank, Friday (NNN) — After firing Metropolitan Police commissioner Sir Ian Blair, London mayor Boris Johnson has announced a public competition to design an iconic robot replacement.

Robo-Boris“The classic London bobby was a tourist landmark,” said Mr Johnson. “We need something that will really sum up London, that will really look the part of the new ’Ello-’Ello-’Ellomaster.”

Johnson’s dismissal of Blair has been condemned from all quarters, with senior constables across the country refusing the job as too prone to political interference.

“Well, we had to get rid of that Blair fellow. Political disaster, don’t you know. Horribly prone to bumbling and gaffes. Well, that’s all over! We have the plans, we have the committee, we have Dom Grieve and the party chaps on side. We can bind law and order and short-term politics to work together seamlessly for the good of all. Gentlemen, I present: Robo-Tory!”

Sir Ian said he looked forward to a planned new position in the Home Office and possibly a seat in the House of Lords. “Anything, really, as long as I get at least one chance to call Boris onto the carpet. Mmm, yes.”

“Yet again Boris has made a complete hash of things,” said Ken Livingstone, though no-one asked him.

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