‘Politics’ Archives
Census axed as accurate information declared frivolous
PROJECT MAYHEM, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The 2011 census could be the last held in Britain, as the new government declares it much more cost-effective to ask local councils and credit reporting agencies where you live and what your religion is. First-world countries almost all use a census every five to ten years to get accurate [...]
World ends with Torygeddon Lite
THE SEVENTH PERFORMING SEAL, London SW1A 0AA, Tuesday (NTN) — The Queen has booked eighties revival alternative comedy act Dave Cameron to entertain the populace with nostalgia for yesteryear, with special guest Nick Clegg as slapstick fall guy. "Torygeddon Lite" opens tomorrow at 10 Downing Street, bringing you an authentic cheap [...]
Wrong lizards get in
CHANNEL 4, Bravo To Zero, Thursday (NTN) — On this momentous day for British democracy, the prey of the nation have flocked to the slaughter pens in record numbers to do their bit to make sure the wrong lizards are put into power over them. "The new lizards are evil and malignant oppressors," said prey Deadmeat Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East [...]
Your super soaraway NewsTechnica cut-out-and-paste election guide!
Reasons to vote Conservative: Replacing public services with volunteers and churches is necessary to inspire a new Charles Dickens. Reasons to vote Labour: Top-down central planning of society works and is effective. Reasons to vote Liberal Democrat: Everyone is middle-class now, they just don't know it yet. Reasons to vote Green: Science [...]
Tories defend right of gay demons to vote Tory
THE MEMORY HOLE, Soho, Wednesday (Ponk News) — Controversial Conservative PPC Philippa Stroud has emphasised her belief in equality for the demons inside gay people. "Those demons are natural Tories and the backbone of our party." "In our Big Society™," said David Cameron, "the rights of hellish unholy ghouls will be respected just [...]
Scandal as politician tells truth
THE MEMORY HOLE, Wild Wild North, Wednesday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown was caught telling the truth in public today, in a horrifying breach of electoral etiquette that could shake people's faith in politicians to the core. The disgusting incident occurred while knocking on doors in Goosestep-on-the-Green, Rochdale, as, after [...]
Sky poll: Clegg’s mother is Hitler
INCOMING, Whopping, Thursday (NTN) — A YouGov poll has revealed that Dave Cameron won tonight's leaders' debate with 62% of the vote. A followup poll demonstrated flying pigs and Peter Mandelson voters. YouGov is noted for its scrupulous fairness and lack of Tory backers. "We felt it was right to highlight voters' concerns about Clegg's [...]
Nick Clegg dossier reveals his Martian roots
DAS BUNKER, Whopping, Tuesday (MSBBC) — Your Super Soaraway SUN has found the blueprint for Nick Clegg's top-secret TV debate strategy in the back of a CAB, revealing he is a MARTIAN INVADER. It reveals the Lib Dem leader STOLE DNA from David Cameron to DUPLICATE his style and cover Britain in a ROBOT ARMY OF CLEGGS, with BlackBerrys to [...]
Devil sells soul to Mandelson
THE NINTH CIRCLE, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — Lucifer, the Angel of Light and Ruler of Hell, has undertaken an unEarthly deal with Peter Mandelson to hold on to power. In return, Hell will be able to keep one hospital, two schools and a single public toilet in the face of government cuts, although the recruitment of doctors, nurses and [...]
Prime Minister “shocked, shocked” at lobbying revelations
RED LIGHT, London SW1A, Sunday (NTN) — The Prime Minister Gordon Brown has called current levels of government lobbying "inconthievable" after three MPs were filmed walking the streets and waggling their arses at the cars of passing lobbyists. Former ministers Geoff Hoon, Stephen Byers, Patricia Hewitt, Adam Ingram and Richard Caborn [...]
