The battle over which New Labour apparatchik will lead a lame duck Labour Party to resounding defeat next election is in its death throes.

The party regards it as being of utmost importance to elect a leader who will show as little sign as possible of varying from the widely popular and well-loved New Labour programme that every single voter in Britain, particularly the Labour ones, showed their appreciation for last election. This leader can then be taken out and shot when they lose the next election.

It is understood that a token left-winger is running, so that the party can feel ideological diversity is appropriately patronised. Take care not to vote for this person under any circumstances.

Some have spoken of trying to understand why so many voters wanted to fucking kill both Blair and Brown with their bare hands, and suggested that Labour should perhaps avoid doing those things next time, or at least, showing appropriately marketable sensitivity, say they were. You will be pleased to know that they are firmly onside with the programme in its broad sweep.

The important point for all party members to keep in mind is that Peter Mandelson is to be reelected as Grand Vizier and esteemed advisor. You know it makes sense. To victory!

THE MEMORY WHOLE, London SW1A 1AA, Wednesday (NTN) — Tony Blair’s memoir, Seven Hundred Pages Of Tedious Equivocation, has caused mass outbreaks of violent ennui and destroyed the minds of the few remaining people who care.

The carnage has been truly numbing. Blair has expressed his “anguish” and “regret” at the millions who, having thought he was finally gone and they wouldn’t have to think about him or his party waddling about like a headless chicken that couldn’t really be bothered in any way whatsoever ever, ever again, had had their desire to evade his tree-killing atrocities thwarted by its serial rewriting in all newspapers, desperate to fill space in the silly season.

But he insists the 2010 publication was the right thing to do. “When I say I think about my awful book and Peter’s awful book and their consequences and their victims every day of my life, it is true; but more than that, I use that reflection to recommit to a sense of purpose in the bigger affair, a business yet unfinished: getting paid repeatedly for the same ghostwritten guff. I can’t say sorry in words; I can only hope to redeem something from the tragedy of stupefaction, something like continued public prominence and remarkably lucrative speakers’ fees.

“I deeply regret the British public’s failure to realise how right and justified I was in everything I did, all of which was absolutely correct. I am now beyond the mere expression of compassion. But you knew that.

“Also, Gordon is a moron. I know he’s a moron. Gordon is a moron. Gordon is a moron, Gordon is a moron.”

PEASHOOTER, Beanotown, Friday (D. C. Thomson) — Zac Goldsmith, 7, of Richmond, has engaged in a furious row over his parents’ investigation into just who got into the biscuit tin, fed chocolates to the dog and wrote ‘ZAC WOZ ERE’ in strawberry jam on the counter.

Mr Goldsmith repeatedly denied he had done anything wrong — insisting he had followed exactly the same practices in declaring his use of the kitchen as every other petulant child. But he only agreed to address the issue after a heated ten-minute spat with his mother and father over whether they had previously refused him a right to reply to accusations of having “bottled out” of bath time the previous week.

Interviewed about the mess in the kitchen, Mr Goldsmith angrily refused to talk about the biscuit, chocolate or jam claims unless his mother first apologised for what he said were “lies” about him declining to appear in the bathroom Friday night. “I won’t talk about the specifics until I get this point across,” he said, accusing his mother of deliberately “misleading” his father by saying he had turned down bath time requests in favour of happening to be playing in the field behind the house. “You knew that was not true at the time, you know it’s not true now,” he told her. Each time he was questioned about the kitchen, Mr Goldsmith instead insisted on pressing her about the non-appearance at bath time, at one point calling her a “charlatan.”

Mr Goldsmith’s father proceeded to tan Mr Goldsmith’s backside a very fetching bright red colour, while commending the boy on his persistence in maintaining his position. “He will go far,” said Sir James. “Possibly to the gallows.”

PROJECT MAYHEM, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The 2011 census could be the last held in Britain, as the new government declares it much more cost-effective to ask local councils and credit reporting agencies where you live and what your religion is.

First-world countries almost all use a census every five to ten years to get accurate information for resource allocation and electoral boundary reallocation. “So obviously we need to fix that last one,” said Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude. “Experian should tell us no-one actually lives in Scotland, for example, so we needn’t run votes there at all.” The new Tory seats from the process will be termed “well-matured boroughs.”

Local councils looked forward to the initiative. “We expect several million previously-unrevealed residents to show up in our borough,” said Tower Hamlets council leader Lutfur Rahman, “all postal-voting for Labour, which should get us roughly one MP per street. We should also be able to get Urdu declared an official British language on the strength of our numbers.”

Mr Maude replied that he could use robust political science to disprove the existence of Tower Hamlets, if need be. “The numbers my staff came up with here suggest Tower Hamlets is actually somewhere off Skye, for example. Facts are an annoyance, so I suggest Mr Rahman not cross them.”

THE SEVENTH PERFORMING SEAL, London SW1A 0AA, Tuesday (NTN) — The Queen has booked eighties revival alternative comedy act Dave Cameron to entertain the populace with nostalgia for yesteryear, with special guest Nick Clegg as slapstick fall guy.

“Torygeddon Lite” opens tomorrow at 10 Downing Street, bringing you an authentic cheap imitation of those wonderful days of the 1980s that made Britain what it is today:

• A general atmosphere of doom and futility producing SLIGHTLY BETTER punk rock, though without the promise of flaming nuclear death at any moment. “Obama just isn’t up for that sort of thing, though we’ll see what Mrs Palin can do.”
• SOMEWHAT ANNOYED MINERS, now working in call centres, doing protest reenactments for old times’ sake.
• ECONOMIC OBLIVION for the unemployed as, er, things continue as they already were.
• Use of the ROYAL WE when talking to Her Majesty. “That’s me and Gideon. I mean, Nick!” (canned laughter)
• The STYLE COUNCIL to reform.
• BAD VEGETARIAN FOOD and AWFUL SANDALS courtesy Nick and his wacky cohort of friends.
• OIL has just been discovered in the Falklands. “Muwaaahahahaha.”

“We’re making Paddy Ashdown defence secretary, so he can just go over and beat the living fuck out of the Taliban personally. I’ve also promised Nick I’ll proportionally represent him in the morning, and not just first-past-the-post, roll over and fall asleep.

“Furthermore, we absolutely promise to discontinue the previous act’s ID card infrastructure and Digital Economy Act,” said Mr Cameron, “just as soon as they’re no longer convenient to us. Cross my heart and call a commission of inquiry.”

CHANNEL 4, Bravo To Zero, Thursday (NTN) — On this momentous day for British democracy, the prey of the nation have flocked to the slaughter pens in record numbers to do their bit to make sure the wrong lizards are put into power over them.

“The new lizards are evil and malignant oppressors,” said prey Deadmeat Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “They tried to have us all rounded up and tagged! Well. We’ve put paid to them. The old lizards are due their place in the sun, and we’ll be very happy to have them back.”

“But you can’t trust the old lizards,” said prey Porkpie Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “I remember when they were in last time. They didn’t number us, they just slaughtered us wholesale not even keeping count! The current lizards are the only safe choice. Look at how green the fields have been the last decade!”

“There’s a third way,” said prey Butternutandpolentagnocchialforno Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “If enough of the prey get together, we can make sure the lizards change the rules on picking the next lizards so that the lizards the prey really want eating them get in. The lizards will have to work together on which prey they eat! The best of all possible lizards in all possible worlds.”

“Yer all wrong, we need to kick the for’n prey out,” said prey Fathitler Busybody, 77 (IQ), of Barking. “I’m a lizard, see? Not prey. I got a green hat wiv scales an’ a pointy tongue. I’ll jus’ put it in. I’m a lithard! Lithard! We goth th’ betht prey! Bether than th’ Euroth! Lithard!”

THE MEMORY HOLE, Soho, Wednesday (Ponk News) — Controversial Conservative PPC Philippa Stroud has emphasised her belief in equality for the demons inside gay people. “Those demons are natural Tories and the backbone of our party.”

“In our Big Society™,” said David Cameron, “the rights of hellish unholy ghouls will be respected just as if they’re not ghastly abominations out to suck your soul out, destroy your mind with eldritch horror and sell you double-glazing and loan repayment insurance.”

Mrs Stroud pointed to her religious writings on the subject. “It is vital to a fair electoral system that there be votes not only for people, but for their most horrifying nightmares. We pray the demons out of these hom-o-sexuals, so that they may attend their nearest polling station tomorrow and cast their crucifix for the party of hopes, dreams and ambitions. The demons’, anyway.”

Mr Cameron will be staying up for thirty-six hours straight working up to and through the election. “I’ll sustain myself on the souls of unbaptised infants. Perfectly safe and legal, at least since the deregulation in the eighties.” Technicians will be on hand at all times in case of wiring failure or software glitches.

“We’re particularly hoping to get the tortured shade of Stephen Milligan back into the cabinet,” said Mrs Stroud. “Just don’t mention the tangerines.”

Phillippa Stroud will be working for the coming Tory government as a 100% sure-fire cure for heterosexuality.