Census axed as accurate information declared frivolous

PROJECT MAYHEM, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The 2011 census could be the last held in Britain, as the new government declares it much more cost-effective to ask local councils and credit reporting agencies where you live and what your religion is.

Out of data errorFirst-world countries almost all use a census every five to ten years to get accurate information for resource allocation and electoral boundary reallocation. “So obviously we need to fix that last one,” said Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude. “Experian should tell us no-one actually lives in Scotland, for example, so we needn’t run votes there at all.” The new Tory seats from the process will be termed “well-matured boroughs.”

Local councils looked forward to the initiative. “We expect several million previously-unrevealed residents to show up in our borough,” said Tower Hamlets council leader Lutfur Rahman, “all postal-voting for Labour, which should get us roughly one MP per street. We should also be able to get Urdu declared an official British language on the strength of our numbers.”

Mr Maude replied that he could use robust political science to disprove the existence of Tower Hamlets, if need be. “The numbers my staff came up with here suggest Tower Hamlets is actually somewhere off Skye, for example. Facts are an annoyance, so I suggest Mr Rahman not cross them.”

2 thoughts on “Census axed as accurate information declared frivolous”

  1. You’ve forgotten to mention the case of ex-Slough Tory borough councillor Eshaq Khan, perhaps the most remarkably blatant case of electoral fraud in recent years. The decision annulling the election is an absolute masterpiece of dry wit. (One does wonder what was wrong with Eshaq Khan. I mean, it’s not as if borough council positions carry any actual power or prestige with them: they tend to be occupied by no-hoper seat-warmers and retired busybodies on the make. Why bother cheating to gain the post? Just for the allowances?)

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