‘Finance’ Archives
Microsoft discontinues MS Money
BAGHDAD, Seattle, Wednesday (NNGadget) — Microsoft is discontinuing its Microsoft Money personal finance management product. In a press release touting the third annual MSN Money "Customer Service Hall of Shame and Hall of Fame," Microsoft was first place for shame, followed by XBox at number two and Windows Live Search at number [...]
UK economy to be revived through lure of the forbidden
CYBERSPICE, Brass Eye, Saturday (NNN) — Children's charities are backing a private member's bill proposed by Baroness Massey to make Internet-based retailers run age verification checks. A check on twelve sites found that thorough checks were not being done. "You can buy a case of vintage Burgundy online from France without supplying [...]
Banks fail Scientology “stress test”
REHABILITATION PROJECT FORCE, Hemet Gold Base, Friday (NNN) — Ten of America's largest 19 banks have failed the stringent economic "stress tests" based on the teachings of Dianetics. Senior investigators from the Office of the Treasury ("Big OTs") found that, considered as thetans, the banks were too weighed down with engrams, from this and [...]
Police valiantly save London from brutal anarchist attack
KEEP SHOPPING, And Avoid Panic Buying, Wednesday (NNN) — After weeks of police warnings about the smelly hippie anarchists coming to the City to destroy your entire way of life, tens of protestors descended on Liverpool Street Station yesterday to save the world from capitalism. Although the demonstrations were quiet, police reported sudden [...]
Credit crisis caused by “blue people with white eyes”
BIG BLUE DONG, Mars, thirty-five minutes ago (NNN) — Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva, president of Brazil, said the global financial crisis was caused by "blue people with white eyes." He made the remark after the nuclear annihilation of major financial centres around the globe by people who thought they were glowing superhumans made of pure [...]
Fred Goodwin’s house vandalised
JUSTICE DEPARTMENT, London EC1, Wednesday (NNN) — Sir Fred Goodwin's house and car in the Grange, Edinburgh have been attacked by vandals. Revelers queued for several hours for the opportunity of a piece of the action. Two scenes-of-crime officers from the Scottish Police Services Authority kept the crowd orderly. Neighbours, who said Sir [...]
“The Scottish Job” cliffhanger solved
THE MEMORY HOLE, London EC1, Monday (NNN) — The ringleaders of a gang of bank robbers who operated with impunity for years have been brought to account before a Treasury Select Committee. Tom "Orange" McKillop, Andy "Pretty Boy" Hornby and Fred "Nosecutter" Goodwin of the "RBS Massive" led a vast criminal conspiracy dedicated to skimming [...]
Republican group to campaign against Republican stimulus backers
THE RABBIT HOLE, Isengard, Tuesday (NNN) — The National Republican Trust will be financially supporting primary opponents of any Republican Senator or Congressman who votes for President Obama's $800 billion economic stimulus package. "We can't have people passing bills just because they're a good idea," said director Scott Wheeler. [...]
WEF moots Cthulhu-led recovery
The World Economic Forum in Davos is discussing a Cthulhu-led financial recovery. "Britain is uniquely placed to lead this effort," said Gordon Brown, "with the horrifying necessities being explained to the public by such televisual works as In The Night Garden. Adults will be driven to spend more time at work to get away from the mind-twisting [...]
Microsoft calls for government bailout
SKID ROW, Redmond, Friday (NNN) — Microsoft Corporation is headed for swingeing layoffs in mid-January after the failure of its stock buyback program, and has called for a government bailout in the face of the credit crunch. "Vastly popular operating systems like Vista just aren't selling," said marketing marketer emeritus Bill Gates, "and [...]
