4 QUADRANT CREATED EARTH, Whitehall, Friday (NNN) — Terrorists are embedding coded messages into child pornographic images and using paedophile websites as a secure way to pass information, according to British security services.

According to MI-5 officer David Icke, no charges of possession of child pornography have been brought against those accused of terrorism “because of … unspecified … security … reasons. Yuh. So it’s vitally important we read your email and put a CCTV camera in your toilet. It’s for your own safety.”

Further revelations show that the terrorists are also linked to investment banking, are responsible for global warming and puked down your shirt last night after you drank that tenth pint that was a bit off. And they were wearing hoodies.

“That’s right!” said Icke. “The terrorists are … Icelandic … Muslim fundamentalists, running the banks in a Muslim financial conspiracy … and they want to start making wine in Iceland so they can … collapse the worldwide alcohol market like they did the banks and make us all non-drinkers. Also, time is actually cubical in nature … No, wait, listen!”

“This is an important development,” said Labour MP Andrew Dismore. “It needs child protection, criminological and psychological work. Also, we need to take DNA swabs of everyone in the country and tattoo a bar code on their heads.”

“This conclusively demonstrates why the current situation is unlike any other situation in history,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, “and we need 180 days’ detention without charge. And a pony.”

GRUB STREET, Wapping, Tuesday (NNN) — The Prime Minister, Rupert Murdoch, has announced new restrictions on immigrants to the UK from outside the EU, as part of his £3 trillion “Keep Johnny Foreigner Out” project to solve all the country’s problems by keeping anyone from coming here. “They’re only here to steal good British jobs, like fish gutting, winkle picking, gangmastered crop harvesting, organised begging or enforced prostitution. Fair crack o’ the raw prawn, mate!”

“The Anti-Wog Barrier, with its Page 3, St George’s flag and lager traps, is Britain’s first defence against the Johnny Foreigner Menace,” said Rebekah Wade, Secretary for Mutual Understanding, in official government gazette The Sun today.

“We stand firm with the Murdoch Party in this important initiative,” said Piers Morgan, leader of the Daily Mail Party. “It’s the only way to protect our nation from invading Poles and Romanians, coming over here with their EU passports just as if they’re European or something. It’s political correctness gone mad! I read they ate a swan!”

“As an old-style Conservative and mayor of an international city,” said London mayor Boris Johnson, “I believe this initiative needs to be handled in a reasonable and sensitive way. Make sure they have a decent income, what? And a respectably well-spoken accent. We can help integrate them, take them to the rugby or boating. I’m Turkish, you know!” he added, brandishing his promotional family tree.

“As civil servants, we perform our assigned duties in a professional, efficient and effective manner as directed by those with the proper authority,” said minor administrator Gordon Brown.

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