Subjecting yourself to massive doses of ultraviolet found to cause skin cancer

April 10, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

COSTA DEL SOL, Glasgow, Friday (NNN) — A “binge-tanning” epidemic has put malignant melanoma above cervical cancer as the most common cancer in women in their twenties.

There are now twice as many cases of melanoma as there are breast cancer, causing concern amongst newspaper proprietors. “A half-page closeup of breasts hasn’t nearly as good an excuse,” said Desmond Murdoch. “Though topless beach babe shots are pretty newsworthy and informative.”

There are also questions as to whether excessive tanning causes cessation of brain activity and chronic footballer shagging, or if this is just coincidence.

20 minutes of booth tanning is equivalent to a day at the beach, minus yelling kids and sand in your bikini bottoms. Unregistered back-street bootleggers offer underclass girls tans on the sly, along with pirated MP3s and DVDs and authentic Louie Vitton and Dolchie ett Gabbarner merchandise.

“The fact is the jury is out on the relationship between UV exposure and malignant melanoma,” said Kathy Banks of the Sunbed Association, puffing on a cigarette and trying to fight off crocodile hunters wanting her skin for a handbag.

Substitutes for tanning beds can be nearly as problematic. Danielle Lloyd has appeared in her seventeenth celebrity nude charity calendar this year for the rehabilitation of chronic bottled tan snorters.

“We recognise the right of individuals to make informed choices,” said Charles Darwin of the Ministry of Health. “If they die before they breed, this may be a self-solving problem.”

Politics, Technology, United Kingdom

ID cards to be fitted with “magic beans”

April 9, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

THE MEMORY HOLE, Westminster, Tuesday (NNGadget) — The Home Office has announced new security measures for identity cards.

“The biometrics, chip and PIN, RFID transponder, fingerprint-reader, real-time spectroscopic DNA analyser and two-way radio that demands ‘papers please!’ in a cod-German accent inexplicably failed to completely eliminate identity fraud or stop terrorism,” said Home Secretary For Life Jacqui Smith, “so we’re getting back to the basics of PFI-funded governmental identity management: magic beans, pixie dust and snake oil. EDS Capita Goatse’s experience in these areas is unparalleled.”

Identification procedures have duly been enhanced. Magic beans are squashed into the paper driving licence, producing a pixie-dust effect when inspected by the police. Day-to-day purchases are made smoother by the snake oil, with the pixie-dust glow authenticating the transaction. Frequenters of brothels will be able to require the prostitute to wave her identity card at them and be reassured by the pixie-dust glitter certifying her bona fides as a legal resident.

The requirements for getting a bank account — a retinal scan, hair clippings, 250 millilitres of blood and three documents for every address change since twenty years before your birth — remain unchanged.

The new identity card weighs thirty-five kilograms. All UK residents must carry it everywhere at all times and produce it on demand of council bin inspectors or any higher official.

Technology, United Kingdom

UK consumers willing to block ads for free content

April 8, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

CREATIVE DESTRUCTION, Soho, Monday (NNN) — 60% of UK consumers are willing to browse with an ad-blocker in return for free videos, music and other content, a survey has revealed.

“This willingness to pretend to view adverts in exchange for free content is good news for sites wanting to lie to advertisers,” said Tudor Aw at KPMG, “and is perhaps a pointer in the ongoing debate over whether lying to advertisers or lying to subscribers is the right revenue model.”

40% of respondents said they would pretend to accept popups, popunders, interstitials, Phorm, floating windows zipping and swooping about the screen, Flash videos that start playing sound automatically, eye-gouging animations and 2o7.net cookies in exchange for free music. 16% said they would pay to avoid ads. The rest would continue to get their telly from BitTorrent and browse with Mozilla Firefox with AdBlock.

People were more willing to pay on mobile phones, unless they had a modern phone that could steal someone’s WiFi connection.

Google, the world’s largest online advertising agency, said it was looking into tastefully-interspersed direct content advertising and brand placement, and added that you should PUNCH THE MONKEY TO WIN £20,000!!! “If you know what’s good for you.”

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Australia, Technology

Australia announces new national broadband network

April 7, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

SHE’LL BE ROIGHT MATE, Ey Dingeau Eyt Mey Interweb, Tuesday (NNN) — Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has announced that the Australian government will build a new $43 billion national broadband network, connecting 90% of homes to 100-megabit fibre internet. “We believe that fast broadband is absolutely essential for our nation’s future”, he said.

“Telstra has raised issues with the amount of bandwidth usage this will produce, given we’re still hooked to America by tin cans and string, but our Great Firewall of Australia Internet filtering project should keep usage down to reasonable levels at near-dialup speeds. We promise you won’t go over your download cap.”

The Great Firewall will reliably block all illegal material, child pornography, terrorism and unAustralian thoughts.

“Not only are the contents of the list illegal,” said Senator Stephen Conroy, ” but revealing the list is also illegal, and so is linking to someone linking to someone claiming to reveal the list. So we’re blocking Google Search. Having to use Anzwers should keep usage right down.”

Calling it, the “single largest infrastructure decision in Australia’s
history,” Mr Rudd said the project would employ up to 37,000 people a year monitoring citizens’ net access, reading their email and correcting spelling errors in their football forum posts.

A consultative process will determine the regulatory framework for the network. “We’re considering getting Senator Fielding to do it personally,” said Senator Conroy, “since he’s the dickhead who demanded the censorship in return for his votes. Hopefully it’ll melt his brain. Bloody balance of power. At least Xenophon’s bloody sane.”

Europe, Technology, United Kingdom

Internet providers start storing user data

April 6, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

FOURTH CHANNEL, textfiles.com, Sunday (NNN) — Logs of email, web usage and Internet phone calls will be stored by Internet service providers from Monday, per EU directive.

The Home Office said it was the UK Government’s priority to “protect public safety and national security and, of course, our own jobs. Think of the children! The records are safeguarded by the Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act to only be accessible in the direst of need, such as when your arsehole neighbour tells the council you’re using their bin.”

Social network users responded with outrage. “Liek, wtf?” said KT Myspce. “I put up pictures of me pissed on a public website run by a commercial company and the government looks at it? I’m defriending Jacqui Smith right now. Cow.”

Jim Killock of the Open Rights Group said it was a “crazy directive” with potentially dangerous repercussions for citizens. “The mental health of the civil servants reviewing the data is in particular peril. What is seen cannot be unseen.”

The initiative was welcomed by online celebrities Bob Goatse, Boxxy Tubgirl and the Lemonparty Collective. “We look forward to introducing ourselves to even more wonderful Internet users,” said two girls, handing reporters a cup. Spork shares were up 5% in early trading.

Entertainment, Media, Politics, United Kingdom

Government shocked, shocked at Ross and Brand

April 5, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

MINISTRY OF BURLESQUE, Church of Satin, Saturday (NNN) — The Government today expressed its “outrage” that Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand could not personally be forced to pay the £150,000 fine against the BBC for their prank calls to Andrew Sachs.

Thousands of complaints were filed with Ofcom after the Daily Mail figured it would be a handy front-page outrage for a couple of weeks.

Communities Secretary Hazel Blears said she thought the stars should be made to pay the penalty themselves. “Surely whatever will play well with the Daily Mail is what the good people of this country want. These ‘laws’ only get in the way of doing what is right … this week.”

“This is much more shocking than Fred Goodwin’s pension or ministerial expenses,” said Jacqui Smith. “Particularly mine. Pitchforks and torches that way! Not this way!”

“Hellooo, still mortified and stuff!” said Georgina Baillie. “Oy! Over here! Look, tits! God, I’m never going to be back in Nuts at this rate.”

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Entertainment, Technology, United Kingdom

Obama and the Queen conspire to violate copyright

April 3, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY, The Revolution Will Be Podcast, Friday (NNN) — During their private meeting with Queen Elizabeth II, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama gave the monarch a personalized iPod with video footage of her 2007 visit to Washington and Virginia and preloaded with 40 show tunes, in blatant violation of copyright law.

The 9000-word iTunes or Amazon MP3 contracts establish licensing, not ownership, of the file, for personal, not commercial or diplomatic use. Furthermore, should the Queen connect her new iPod to a computer, further copies will be made, in direct contravention of British law.

“It’s okay!” said Mr Obama. “As Nixon said, ‘if the President does it that means it’s not illegal.’ And you can’t sue the Queen anyway. So we’re sweet with ACTA. Even if you aren’t.”

“One is delighted with one’s gift,” said Her Majesty. “It helps block that dreadful Italian fellow. Our grandchildren have also assisted us in ‘downloading’ our Coronation from ‘The Pirate Bay.’ What will they think of next!”

Songs include “Pass the Duchy”, “We Are The Champions”, “Public Image” and, of course, “Black President,” which Michelle and Elizabeth “cut a rug” to arm in arm.

“I know I got them RIAA bozos in the house,” said Mr Obama. “Joe’s pals. But one word from me and her Royal Highness here and they’ll be less popular than bankers. Word.”

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Finance, Politics, United Kingdom

Police valiantly save London from brutal anarchist attack

April 2, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

KEEP SHOPPING, And Avoid Panic Buying, Wednesday (NNN) — After weeks of police warnings about the smelly hippie anarchists coming to the City to destroy your entire way of life, tens of protestors descended on Liverpool Street Station yesterday to save the world from capitalism.

Although the demonstrations were quiet, police reported sudden tremendous violence from the protestors after the mainstream media had given up and gone home. “There were distorted reports and completely faked phone videos in the troublemaker blogs that the police were starting stuff,” said Metropolitan Police chief Luckless Cipher, “but it was just us protecting civilisation from these scum. Acting up when they thought no-one was watching. Fake blood and stuff. Terrible.”

The most danger was apparently from an anarchist group known as the Space Hijackers who had come to make their feelings felt through the medium of street theatre. “We dealt with that quick smart, let me tell you. One minute street theatre, next minute dirty bomb chemical jihad attacks! You mark my words.

“And we got these really cool trucks, too. They’re big and black and armoured and have speakers on the top. Fantastic! You can blast away these bloody hippies, er, violent and vicious anarchist attackers.”

Property damage included a branch of the Royal Bank of Scotland, although the burning effigy of Sir Fred Goodwin appeared to be being hoisted by a group of normal suburban families on a day out.

Sir Luckless reiterated the need for strong policing. “Forget these ‘statistics’ showing crime going down year on year for the last two decades. Read your Daily Mail. It’s a jungle out there! You need us! More of us! To serve and protect!”

In the meantime, the G20 meeting has decided to leave the environment for a later meeting and France and Germany won’t agree with the US and UK on the economy, so the most important matter left to deal with will be how to keep the ACTA treaty secret and arrest all the filesharers.

Media, United Kingdom

Guardian wants free money from Google

March 31, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

GRUB STREET RETIREMENT VILLAGE, Times Old Roman, back when this were all fields (Mediocre Grauniad) — The Guardian Media Group has asked the Government to examine Google News and other content aggregators, claiming they contribute insufficiently to their income.

“The newspapers put their content up on the web for free and then Google, the freeloading bastards, tell people where to find it. We told them to pay up or stop using our stuff, and they said OK, they’d stop using our stuff!

“We need the Government to bring back balance, ‘balance’ defined as being able to make them give us money because we want it. You’d think the Internet wasn’t invented to give newspapers and record companies free money!”

The newspaper group argues that traffic from search engines doesn’t make up the cost of producing the content. “Ad revenue has collapsed, so search engine traffic doesn’t bring in enough views to pay for itself. Our inability to sell ads is clearly Google’s problem.”

The Guardian suggests the exploration of new models that “require fair acknowledgement of the value that our content creates, both on our own site through advertising and ‘at the edges’ in the world of search and aggregation. Basically, they should just give us money because we want it. And the music industry too. How about a bailout? Go on, gi’s it.”

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Media, United Kingdom

Doom warnings reach “doom warning” level

March 30, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

OMG, Onoez, every day (NNN) — Civilisation is facing imminent doom from dirty bomb attacks, a credit crisis, a cash crisis and morning-after pills for 11-year-old underclass children.

Further harbingers of the end of all things include your teeth being rotted out of your head by eating five pieces of fruit a day, NHS superbugs that mutter taunts into patients’ ears before dissolving their flesh, people downloading music and films and, of course, Google Street View.

“An explosion in London could destroy your presently fantastic and wonderful way of life,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. “Beautiful boss, lovely coworkers, marvellous housemates and all. However, our CCTV network will keep you safe at all times. Please present your papers to the nice policeman. Keep calm and carry on. Your courage, your cheerfulness, your resolution will bring us victory. Smile!”

In an attempt to stave off inevitable disaster, the Metro, the London Paper and London Lite are cooperating to help save the world by telling anyone not recycling their paper that they have personally doomed the planet, and never mind them printing ridiculous quantities of disposable rubbish without even a very good Sudoku and turning every Tube train into a rolling landfill site. The campaign will be illustrated with pictures of students in bikinis.

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a smashed keyboard full of hope and wonder