Microsoft snatches publicity crown from Ubuntu Linux

April 22, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

BOLGIA 10, Redmond, Thursday (NNN) — In a stunning public relations coup, Microsoft Corporation (NASDAQ: MNPLY) has successfully overshadowed today’s release of Ubuntu Linux 9.04 “Jaunty Jubblies” by announcing its failed financials for a fourth quarter in a row and laying even more people off.

Microsoft announced new and expanded roles for remaining key executives as another several lesser, losing quitters deserted upper management. “It shows the fantastic opportunity available to everyone at Microsoft to climb seven or eight reporting levels up the org chart,” said marketing marketer Steve Ballmer to pitchfork-wielding Wall Street analysts today. “If we haven’t laid them off for making too much money or not kissing enough ass.”

The Yahoo! deal is expected to go ahead. “We figure they’ll go broke before we do. Probably.” Mr Ballmer also plans to run the Yahoo! servers on Windows NT rather than FreeBSD after a similar change worked so well at Hotmail. “Some say synergy’s another word for two plus two equals one, but you just have to make the value of one work for you.”

Windows 7 betas have been greeted with remarkable positive press. “Of course, the betas preview the ‘champagne and hookers’ edition, which would be way too much for netbooks and explode users’ brains. Imagine thinking those little things are computers! So we’re releasing what we call Windows 7 Dumbass Edition™. It lets you log in and look at the shiny. Even Spider Solitaire has the ribbon toolbar! And you can buy an upgrade to the version that runs programs! It lets you do that!”

Dumbass Edition™ comes with pre-installed viruses to make the computer part of the Storm, Conficker and FBI botnets. “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.”

However, Microsoft has indicated to its press corps, Microsoft Completely Enderlependent Analysts, to ixnay on the evensay and highlight the job openings for work on Windows 8, firmly penciled in for a 2012 release. Windows 8 will be optimised for low-end 32-core systems with a mere 16 gigabytes of memory — 28 cores for the interface, 3 cores for the DRM and one core for everything else. “Seven is just so this year. I hear they’ll get $DATABASE_FILESYSTEM done next release for sure!” said ZDNet marketing marketer Mary-Jo Enderle. “It’ll be awesome™!”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine, fine,” said Bill Gates, upping his hours at his charitable foundation and scheduling the sale of several more packages of Microsoft stock.

Larry Ellison of Oracle, who recently purchased Sun Microsystems, merely snickered, muttered “Java. OpenOffice.” and let out a long and resounding laugh.

Mark Shuttleworth of Canonical, speaking from his castle on a crag high on a mountaintop in west London, was sanguine at Ubuntu’s news being overshadowed. “I lost ten million dollars on Ubuntu last year. I’m losing ten million dollars on Ubuntu this year. I expect to lose ten million dollars on Ubuntu next year. At this rate, I’ll be broke in … sixty years.”

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Health, Technology, United States

Disabled post to Twitter using the power of the body

April 21, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

TWATTER, Arsebook, Tuesday (NotScientist) — A direct neural interface to post on Twitter has been created by Adam Wilson of the University of Wisconsin-Madison.

“We originally hooked it to the brain,” said Wilson, “but only a very limited selection of messages came out, that appeared to be coming from somewhere else. So we’ve just gone directly to the penis without the middleman.”

Male humans suffer from having functional bodies trapped with almost completely paralysed minds. The penis is an organ used by male humans primarily for thinking and making important decisions. It is also used as an outlet for unwanted poisonous bodily excreta, such as sperm.

The messages — or “twats” — cover the full gamut of human experience and emotion in 140 characters, from “ANOTHER PINT WHAT AN EXCELLENT IDEA” to “DYING FOR A SLASH” to “GDAY LUV NICE TITS” to “WOOHOO GOT A GOER HERE” to “WOKE UP DEAD PIG SHAT IN SKULL OH DEAR GOD WTF IS THAT MUST CHEW ARM OFF.”

“The next stage is a feedback loop for at-replies,” said Wilson. “We’re hoping to create the dream of every Internet user: a response system that will send five hundred volts through someone’s nether regions when they say something unbelievably stupid.”

Europe, Religion, Technology

Vatican to build power plant running on guilt

April 20, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Rome, Monday (NNN) — The Vatican intends to build the biggest renewable energy plant in Europe, running solely on guilt.

“Now is the time to strike,” said Cardinal Giovanni Lajolo, governor of Vatican City. “The financial crisis has unleashed huge and renewable sources of guilt, which in the long run will reap incomparable rewards for the Church.”

Italy has a binding target for renewable energy consumption of 17 percent. The Vatican will export energy to Italy, powered by raw guilt from the largely Catholic populace. “So far it’s proven indefinitely renewable.”

Pope Benedict XVI has been outspoken on environmental issues. “The destruction of the environment, its improper or selfish use and the violent hoarding of the Earth’s resources cause grievances, conflicts and wars, precisely because they are the consequences of an inhumane concept of development. You should FEEL BAD about that. And give us money.”

The plant will be topped up at night by Dante-esque treadmills walked by priests sent back for kiddy-fiddling. “We feel terrible, terrible,” said Fr O’Pederast. “I mean, we got caught.”

Health, United Kingdom

Cancer risks not changing habits

April 17, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

GIRLS GONE BALD, Debbie Does Dialysis, Monday (NNN) — Two thirds of people have not changed their diet or lifestyle to reduce the risk of cancer, a Newsnight poll has found.

One cancer expert said new ways were needed to convey health messages. “Fifteen percent ‘hardly ever think about’ cancer,” said Professor Karol Sikora of Cancer Partners UK. “This doesn’t bode at all well for the cancer or media industries.”

Cancer marketing has used the “saturation” approach for many years, where people’s morning paper tells them that eating more, eating less, eating chips, eating fruit, eating at all, drinking tap water, HPV vaccines, lack of HPV vaccines, sunlight, lack of sunlight or thinking too much about cancer all increase the risk of cancer, illustrated with a Page 3 spread of Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey, conducting a self-examination of Kylie Minogue’s bottom in closeup.

Innovative approaches that were directly relevant to people’s lives may prove more effective. “It’s amazing how much of a difference Jade Goody made to cervical screening. We need to find more previously disliked celebrities to sacrifice.”

A spokesperson for the Department of Health said government policies had contributed to a fall in smoking rates, almost compensating for deaths at the hands of crazed smokers desperately nic-fitting.

Technology, United Kingdom

Academics to predict the “next big thing”

April 16, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

ENIGMA, Bletcherous Park, Thursday (NNGadget) — Academics at De Montfort University in Leicester have put together a team tasked with getting grants to claim to predict the next big thing in communication technologies, in a bid to tackle funding pitfalls before they become a problem.

“Widespread Internet adoption has afforded some technologies rapid growth,” said Dr Bernd Stahl, “but have also generated downsides. For example, uppity Internet users think all this is for their social enjoyment and cultural enhancement, rather than to firmly attach a vacuum hose to their wallet.”

Under the two year project, entitled Ethical Issues of Emerging ICT Applications, researchers use old William Gibson novels to identify information and communication technologies likely to emerge in the next 10 to 15 years and spot any unforeseen drawbacks to milking the consumer as hard as possible, but no harder. “The Web 2.0 model — you create the content, we get the money — has much potential. However, cautionary examples such as Wikipedia show what happens when you put that sort of power in the hands of a nonprofit. So much money left on the table!”

Dr Stahl’s team will identify and list the future applications and the issues that are likely to arise. “So far we’ve successfully predicted that ‘e-mail’ will become quite popular — that’s where you send letters electronically, without using paper. Outlandish, I know! There’s also a possible niche for sending short text messages using telephones, if the telephone is attached to the network by a sufficiently long cable. In conclusion, send us more money and we’ll see what we can do for you. Remember: MONEY to US. That’s the important bit. It’s for science, you know.”

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Technology, United Kingdom

Google: not all Street View users are burglars

April 15, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

THE PANOPTICON, Mountain View, Thursday (NNGadget) — The director of Google Earth and Maps, John Hankes, has rubbished claims that Street View is a “burglar’s charter.”

“It’s ridiculous to say all our users are burglars. We have several who aren’t! Probably.”

Bob “Pound You To Mincemeat” Fister, recently of Wormwood Scrubs, lent his support to the initiative. “It also works really well with Google Latitude, so’s I can keep track of my … business associates an’ … prospective future customers.”

Street View has weathered a storm of controversy since its March introduction, with Harry Potter of the Observer describing Google as an “amoral menace, indexing things man was not meant to know and defiling our genetic code” and accusing Street View of “working against the laws of nature and the natural order of God, who clearly intended us to use ~~MSN~~ ~~Windows Live Search~~ Kumo Search.”

Villagers in Buckinghamshire, wielding Fairtrade designer ecologically-sound pitchforks and torches, recently blockaded a Google camera car and recycled the driver in a large wicker man bonfire on the village outskirts.

But Hankes defends the service, saying “public debate is very healthy. More people should definitely check out the service, and the advertising on it. Mmm, clickable. Very clickable. Sooo clickable.”

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Health, United Kingdom

Depressing jobs found to be depressing

April 14, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

INHUMAN RESOURCES, Work Harder Not Smarter, Thursday (NNN) — Employees with difficult colleagues and a poor working atmosphere were 60 per cent more likely to be depressed, and 50 per cent more likely to use antidepressants, says Dr Marjo Sinokki of the Finnish Institute of the Bleeding Obvious.

Business was quick to protest that the right mental attitude was essential to remaining competitive and cost-effective. “Self-esteem costs a fortune in wages and produces employees with ambition and other problematic behaviours,” said the Confederation of British Industry. “Without depressed and beaten shells of workers, we can’t possibly compete.”

The Treasury concurred, with figures showing the health of the economy requires most workers to die of directionlessness within six months of retiring.

“The U.S. work environment right now is far more tenuous and toxic than in recent history,” said Josh Klapow of the University of Alabama at Birmingham. “With layoffs and downsizing, the opportunities for increased stress, negativity and pressure have all greatly increased and are doing wonders to keep people in bad jobs at low pay and long hours, for our future prosperity. God bless America!”

BUPA has offered discount bulk Prozac, Valium and Thorazine to businesses, to be placed in the tea room next to the sugar and the bromide.

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Technology, United States

Microsoft promises to play nice this time

April 13, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

SCHESTOWITZ, Newham, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Microsoft has announced the infrastructure for its cloud computing service Azure, formerly (and presently) Windows Vapor.

“We want to be more responsive to your needs,” said Sam Ramji of Microsoft during a Linux Foundation Collaboration Summit panel this week as he wiped rotten tomatoes off his suit.

“We want all open source innovation to happen on Windows. In practice, Windows is too slow, and just putting Linux underneath the same software stack triples performance. So we’re running the Windows versions of the software on Linux using Wine. We’ll also be funding the Wine on Windows initiative.”

The new Microsoft Amazingly Open And Genuine Public License allows you complete freedom to use, modify and redistribute the software provided that every copy comes with a DVD of Windows Vista Ultimate, you acknowledge that Microsoft’s FAT patent protects a remarkable and valuable innovation in computer science and all accompanying documentation is in OOXML. Also, all your data belongs to Microsoft.

The overwhelming dominance of Microsoft was assured, he said, pointing to their success in paying netbook manufacturers to use Windows XP and paying US retailers not to stock the Linux versions of the computers. “We’re also enforcing our patent on right-clicking. And on the number seven.”

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Entertainment, United Kingdom

Jack Tweed to open Jade Goody theme restaurant

April 12, 2009 David Gerard 2 Comments

SACCHARINE MITTENS, Bermondsey, Thursday (NNN) — Grieving Jack Tweed wants to open a “high-class” Jade Goody-themed restaurant in East Angular, Essex, named in her honour.

It will serve “international cuisine” and the menu will reflect Ms Goody’s taste in food. “Chips goes with everything, dunnit.” A large waxwork of Ms Goody will be out front, halo in place and surrounded by an angelic ensemble of Shilpa Shettys. Diners will be required to finish their meals before the 7:30pm curfew.

“Max Clifford’s picking a good sensitive name. ‘The Comic Relief Peasant’ is a hot favourite. He thought it’d go down better than ‘Wringing The Corpse Till The Pips Rattle.'” Tweed is, of course, in talks to do a reality show on the subject, to be a tie-in with Ms Goody’s cancer diary, the movie of her life, Death of Jade performance art and a “tribute” appearance by Jaiden Michael on Big Brother 10.

Mohamed al Fayed has announced his suspicion that the Duke of Edinburgh gave Ms Goody cancer. “And Wendy Richard.”

Politics, United Kingdom

Terror suspects “took photographs while brown”

April 11, 2009 David Gerard 2 Comments

KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON, And Shopping, Saturday (NNN) — Police enquiries have so far failed to turn up any clear evidence of a terrorist conspiracy forty-eight hours after the arrests of Pakistani terror subjects across Britain. No evidence has been found of bombs, bomb-making parts, precursor chemicals to make explosives, a bomb factory, weapons, ammunition or plans to do anything anywhere with such items.

“But they had cameras in public,” said Manchester police chief Luckless Cipher. “They were seen taking photographs near a nightclub shopping centre and other crowded public places. Completely consistent with students in a new area taking photos to show friends and family. Or … TERRORIST RECONNAISSANCE!”

There is also evidence they used Google Street View. “And then went the places they’d looked up! Well. It doesn’t get much clearer than that.”

The eleven subjects are being held another week for intense questioning on their favoured lens, camera model and ISO setting.

Counterterrorism officials remain unsure of basic elements of the conspiracy, such as the targets. “But there is lots of material that when put together may take us somewhere. It will hopefully be a long and drawn-out investigation. They’d probably been down the pub with Ian Tomlinson before he drunkenly and aggressively backed into a police baton. They’ve probably got child porn! Is this territory where you can take a risk? Think of the children!”

Al-Qaeda reports a two-month backlog on membership and has asked applicants to please be patient.

a smashed keyboard full of hope and wonder