Category Archives: United Kingdom

Politics, United Kingdom

Terrorists linked to child porn

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4 QUADRANT CREATED EARTH, Whitehall, Friday (NNN) — Terrorists are embedding coded messages into child pornographic images and using paedophile websites as a secure way to pass information, according to British security services.

Osama bin Tinky WinkyAccording to MI-5 officer David Icke, no charges of possession of child pornography have been brought against those accused of terrorism “because of … unspecified … security … reasons. Yuh. So it’s vitally important we read your email and put a CCTV camera in your toilet. It’s for your own safety.”

Further revelations show that the terrorists are also linked to investment banking, are responsible for global warming and puked down your shirt last night after you drank that tenth pint that was a bit off. And they were wearing hoodies.

“That’s right!” said Icke. “The terrorists are … Icelandic … Muslim fundamentalists, running the banks in a Muslim financial conspiracy … and they want to start making wine in Iceland so they can … collapse the worldwide alcohol market like they did the banks and make us all non-drinkers. Also, time is actually cubical in nature … No, wait, listen!”

“This is an important development,” said Labour MP Andrew Dismore. “It needs child protection, criminological and psychological work. Also, we need to take DNA swabs of everyone in the country and tattoo a bar code on their heads.”

“This conclusively demonstrates why the current situation is unlike any other situation in history,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, “and we need 180 days’ detention without charge. And a pony.”

Politics, Technology, United Kingdom

UK government adopts Digital Rights Management

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THE NILOPTICON, Whitehall, Thursday (NNN) — The Home Office has moved to calm fears over its new plan to collect every email sent in or out of Britain.

Government data vending machine“We’ve been speaking with our PFI contractors,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith, “and they’ve been speaking with those nice people from Microsoft, and we think we can use something called ‘Digital Rights Management.’ It’s worked perfectly to protect music and software, I can’t see any way this won’t work just as well for us.”

The planned email monitoring system, hooked to your identity card, tax details and complete NHS record, is considered not only potentially intrusive, but hazardous: the government and its contractors have misplaced many disks and memory sticks containing private data. But with DRM, data can only be accessed by authorised users on an authorised system, running the specially hardened operating system Windows Vista Service Pack 1.

Trials of the new system have shown minor hiccups, but nothing to worry about at all, honestly. “When we try to access the data it occasionally says ‘Insert 25¢ to continue’ and we have to remember to keep bags of American coins around. We have asked EDS Capita Goatse for a localised British system that will take 20p pieces and have an attendant to un-bung things when they get stuck, which will take only six months and cost a very reasonable £100 million extra. We also get a year’s free reactivations from their call centre! It looks a very good deal to me.”

The safety and unbreakability of the system is assured. “We tried copying the data in various obvious ways, but the RIAA threatened to sue the Home Office for breaking the DRM on its own data. So obviously no-one will try this ever.”

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Science, Technology, United Kingdom

Turing Test won with Artificial Stupidity

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LINDEN, The Grid, Monday (NNGadget) — Artificial intelligence came a step closer this weekend when a computer came within five percent of passing the Turing Test, which the computer passes if people cannot tell between the computer and a human.

The winning conversation was with competitor LOLBOT:

“Good morning.”HAL 9000 Goatse
“STFU N00B”
“Er, what?”
“U R SO GAY LOLOLOLOL”
“Do you talk like this to everyone?”
“NO U”
“Sod this, I’m off for a pint.”
“IT’S OVER 9000!!”
…
“Fag.”

The human tester said he couldn’t believe a computer could be so mind-numbingly stupid.

LOLBOT has since been released into the wild to post random abuse, hentai manga and titty shots to 4chan, after having been banned from YouTube for commenting in a perspicacious and on-topic manner.

LOLBOT was also preemptively banned from editing Wikipedia. “We don’t consider this sort of thing a suitable use of the encyclopedia,” sniffed administrator WikiFiddler451, who said it had nothing to do with his having been one of the human test subjects picked as a computer.

“This is a marvellous achievement, and shows great progress toward goals I’ve worked for all my life,” said Professor Kevin Warwick of the University of Reading, confirming his status as a system failing the Turing test.

Education, Technology, United Kingdom

Universal Internet filter plans detailed

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SECURITY EIGHTPLEX, Whitehall Odeon, Sunday (NNN) — The UK Council for Child Internet Safety will be mandating word filters on all Internet communications in the UK.

Censored Cliche Kitty“We have buttiduously canvbutted the industry, buttessed what is available and buttembled the finest selection of PFI contractors for this buttignment,” said Schools Secretary Ed Balls. “The filters will buttociatively clbuttify all communications and filter then, I can butture you, rebuttemble them with surpbutting exacbreastude in any quanbreasty. Consbreastuents can be rebuttured that a mulbreastude of industry compebreastors will butture quality and keep our clbuttrooms safe. EDS Capita Goatse will not embarbutt us.”

The plans have attracted wide criticism. “It will only give supersbreastious rebutturance to medireview thinkers,” said the Open Rights Group. “Automated systems won’t solve human problems like loveual harbuttment. Mbuttacring the written word into a Picbutto painting is not the anbreastank missile of Internet safety.” Unions also butterted that such close buttessment of staff in the workplace would hamper efficiency and could verge on workplace harbuttment. “Watermeloning cranberries.”

Balls was unfazed. “Butterting free speech is one thing, but a triparbreaste committee considers that that does not justify mere pbuttive breastillation at the expense of others.”

The first filtering offices will be set up in Arsenal, Penistone and Scunthorpe.

Europe, Finance, Politics, United Kingdom

Brown: No compromise on Icelandic terrorism

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ALÞING, Westminster, Saturday (NNN) — President Gordon W. Brown has declared there will be “no compromise” on Icelandic terrorist attacks on British money.

Gotcha!Icelandic terrorism has brought the City to its knees. London transport and council rubbish collection has stopped because of the Icelanders having all their money. Police response has been hampered by the Icelanders having all their money. Their terrorist leader Geir bin Haarde is rumoured to be hiding in terrorist volcanic caves near Reykjavík, sleeping on a great big terrorist bed made of British money.

“They come over here,” said Mr Brown, “and sell us cut-price frozen foods, run very hard TV quiz shows and sing incomprehensible airy-fairy gibberish with a terrible hairdo. We will respond with the Mother Of All Diplomatic Protests!”

Icelandic business assets have been frozen, Icelanders’ money is being shipped to Guantánamo Bay and Björk and Sigur Rós have been required to participate in Eurovision. “Together!”

Mr Brown warned: “This could have dire consequences for our nation. But we must stand firm even in the face of a new cod war.”

Politics, United Kingdom

Murdoch announces “Keep Johnny Foreigner Out” barrier

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GRUB STREET, Wapping, Tuesday (NNN) — The Prime Minister, Rupert Murdoch, has announced new restrictions on immigrants to the UK from outside the EU, as part of his £3 trillion “Keep Johnny Foreigner Out” project to solve all the country’s problems by keeping anyone from coming here. “They’re only here to steal good British jobs, like fish gutting, winkle picking, gangmastered crop harvesting, organised begging or enforced prostitution. Fair crack o’ the raw prawn, mate!”

St George’s Berlin Wall“The Anti-Wog Barrier, with its Page 3, St George’s flag and lager traps, is Britain’s first defence against the Johnny Foreigner Menace,” said Rebekah Wade, Secretary for Mutual Understanding, in official government gazette The Sun today.

“We stand firm with the Murdoch Party in this important initiative,” said Piers Morgan, leader of the Daily Mail Party. “It’s the only way to protect our nation from invading Poles and Romanians, coming over here with their EU passports just as if they’re European or something. It’s political correctness gone mad! I read they ate a swan!”

“As an old-style Conservative and mayor of an international city,” said London mayor Boris Johnson, “I believe this initiative needs to be handled in a reasonable and sensitive way. Make sure they have a decent income, what? And a respectably well-spoken accent. We can help integrate them, take them to the rugby or boating. I’m Turkish, you know!” he added, brandishing his promotional family tree.

“As civil servants, we perform our assigned duties in a professional, efficient and effective manner as directed by those with the proper authority,” said minor administrator Gordon Brown.

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Education, United Kingdom

Balls handles extremism in schools

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THE PANOPTICON, Airstrip One, Wednesday (NNN) — Schools are being advised on how to spot pupils becoming drawn to violent extremism and terrorism.

The Naughtiest Girl is a MonitorSchools Secretary Ed Balls has formed the School Teacher’s Association for Special Instruction, with a new system involving named contacts to report concerns of extremism to. Guidelines will be made available to teach pupils from age three and up the vital importance of rooting out extremism.

Teachers should protect the well-being of pupils who may be vulnerable to being drawn to extremism, says the Learning Together to be Safe kit, and will be required by law to file a report with social services upon suspicion.

Al-Qaeda influenced extremism is the current security threat, but other problematic behaviour will be targeted. “Anything the slightest bit suspect, be sure to report it.” Times and places are all that will be needed for investigation in the national CCTV network tape library and ID card database.

“Our goal must be to empower our young people to come together to expose violent extremists,” said Mr Balls, “in whatever form it takes. We will teach them to be firm, disciplined and regimented against extremism and fight viciously to vanquish any trace of it they are pointed at. That’s how to build a free-thinking democratic citizenry!”

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Media, United Kingdom

Creativity to be promoted on commercial TV

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PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (N! News) — Viewers will have the opportunity “to see more of our finest creative advertising minds at work” under proposals put forward by Ofcom to deal with the drop in television advertising revenue.

Sad toilet in snowThe report notes: “The advertising industry is powerfully adept at producing thirty-second immaculately-constructed visual masterpieces, perfect for the modern on-the-go citizen. We also hope to bring long-form works to the viewer, which they presently must seek out themselves on home shopping channels. We feel this will alleviate the monotony of shows such as The X Factor.”

Broadcasters are currently restricted to showing an average of eight minutes an hour of advertising during peak times, amounting to a maximum of 40 minutes across the five-hour period. The new plan involves eight minutes an hour of programming, amounting to a maximum of 40 minutes across an evening.

“We want to ensure that viewers continue to benefit from a wide range of advertising-funded television services. We feel there is no prospect of this backfiring, as it’s not as if there’s any alternative to television,” said the preliminary report, which is also available on YouTube and BitTorrent.

“Ofcom has taken on board our opinion that any suggestion of ‘regulatory capture’ by the bodies it is meant to set the rules for is piffle,” said Channel Four. “But we understand these moves are controversial, and strongly suggest people call in with their opinion on our 0900 line, at only 95p a minute.”

“Oh dear, what a pity, never mind,” said a BBC spokesman, opening champagne.

Finance, United Kingdom

Smaller institutions seek Treasury assistance

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WALL ALLEY, East Cheam, Tuesday (NNN) — The global financial crisis may require a multi-billion pound injection of public money over coming days. Smaller institutions are now seeking help, such as the First National Bank of East Cheam.

Million pound noteFounded by Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam earlier this month, the bank has put in urgent asset warnings with the Treasury. “Holdings are way down. Our assets are incredibly leveraged. Capital ratio’s buggered. Our, er, co-la-ta-rul-ised debt obligations have us tied in knots. In knots! It’s a tragedy, it is.”

Mr Busybody has urged the Treasury to mount a rescue package immediately for the bank. “If we go under, whoosh! It’d collapse the East Cheam banking sector. All them widows and orphans! You wouldn’t believe it, honestly you wouldn’t. Interbank lending’s collapsed. I can’t get any of ’em to cough up an overnight liquidity loan. Spare us five million quid, mate? Just till tomorrow. I’ll be good for it. With Treasury backing.”

Chancellor Alistair Darling responded to Mr Busybody’s pleas with an offer to send Peter Mandelson around to discuss the matter. “Oh, er, that’s all right then, we’ll be fine, fine. Sorrytotroubleyou I’lljustgonow.”

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United Kingdom

Police taser terrorist Welsh sheep

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LLANLLUBBER, Carmarthen, Saturday (NNN) — A Welsh separatist sheep, Sparky, has been peaceably brought down with a taser on the A55 by North Welsh police.

The sheep, a member of the Radical Jihadist wing of Plaid Cymru, was attempting a dangerous public demonstration that sheep could work as well in riddles as any chicken.

Punk sheepA police spokesman said: “We received numerous calls reporting a loose ram crossing over both carriageways of the A55 at St Asaph, calling for jihad, causing major disruption and possible danger to motorists. Besides, he had a knife! And child pornography!”

Kate Fowler-Reeves, head of campaigns at Animal Aid, said: “This animal, already a victim of an oppressive farming industry, was treated like a violent criminal. He deserved instead to be treated with some sensitivity and respect, and due process as to the illegal search and seizure of his bomb-making equipment and copy of My First Taliban.”

Richard Brunstrom, chief constable of North Wales Police, said that the 50,000 volt electric stun gun would provide “better and quicker protection to ordinary patrol officers in remote locations, faced with dangerous or violent sheep. I volunteered to be a target for a taser so I could feel the effects of the weapon. My doctor has restricted me to only going back no more than monthly, however.”