Category Archives: United Kingdom

There’s probably no bus. Now stop worrying and enjoy your walk.

NO HEAVEN, Cold Harsh Reality, Tuesday (NNN) — The Bus Atheist campaign launched today, with over 800 atheists to carry signs saying “There’s probably no bus” in locations all over the country.

Jesus denies the existence of BusThe campaign was started as a “positive” response to the London Transport signs all over the city claiming to be places where buses would appear, some claiming they even did so at predictable intervals.

“This is despite a complete lack of evidence for any such phenomenon,” said Professor Richard Dawkins, “nor any explanation why such a thing would occur. Our rational slogan will hopefully reassure anyone who has been scared by this kind of evangelism. Must dash, I have a Catholic priest out back to bugger with a hot poker.”

The campaign has come in for criticism. “They should give the money to those in need of it,” said the Church, “like us, for instance. Hardly any cash over here. The Monarchy could do with some too. Dig deep!”

The £135,000 raised for the campaign will be directed to the needy and deprived: West End adland execs feeling the brunt of the recession. “Spare a fiver for a line? Please give so they may grow.”

“You wait ages for an atheist, then eight hundred come along at once. Boris has made a hash of it yet again,” said Ken Livingstone, though no-one asked.

Samuel L. Jackson to front Virgin Media’s 50Mb campaign

TELEWEST, Los Angeles, Friday (NNN) — Virgin Media (“Let me tell you what ‘Like a Virgin’ is about. It’s all about a girl who digs a guy with a big Dick. The entire song. It’s a metaphor for big Dicks.”) has hired Jules Winnfield of the Marcellus Wallace Organization to promote its super-fast 50Mb broadband service.

Virgin Media Killer Pulp FictionIn the advertisement, Jules Winnfield and Sir Richard Branson go to Virgin Media customer service to recover a briefcase belonging to their boss. After screaming “Technical, melonfarmer! Do you speak it?” they kill every internet site accessible from the service except Wikipedia. While driving the download back to Mr Wallace, they accidentally shoot Wikipedia in the face. Now they’re picking bits of their servers out of the upholstery. “When you came pulling in here,” says Quentin Tarantino, “did you notice a sign out in front of my house that said Dead NTL Storage?”

The ad ends with a stirring speech from Winnfield:

The path of the righteous browser is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is the IWF who in the name of the RIAA and goodwill shepherds the marks through the valley of darkness, for they are truly their brother’s keepers and the finders of lost downloads. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy My brothers. And you will know My name is the Lord when I pop a download cap in their—

At this point the screen goes blue and the set-top box locks up.

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Twenty-first century arrives after slight delay

FEDERATED EARTH, The Future, Now (NNGadget) — After a minor shipping delay, flying cars have arrived for all. As of today, all major cities also feature moving pavements and weather control and commuter flights to the Moon will be commencing tomorrow.

The VJ from The Fifth ElementEarth President-Elect Barack Obama welcomed the representatives of the Galactic Brotherhood to Washington, assuring them that the many wars on Earth were now to be conducted entirely by robots, though the robots would be carefully monitored and pulled out of battle and granted citizenship the moment they achieved sentience. He also offered the galactics free access to Google, with only the requirement for tasteful contextually-attuned text advertising to be imprinted on their DNA.

The reactionary forces of the twentieth-century United States finally conceded defeat and shut down the Five-Year Plan Tractor Plants of Detroit, where ridiculous oversized transport was bashed together by semi-literate peasants between fifths of vodka from the nerve gas factory next door, and the Five-Year Plan Software Plants of Redmond, where ridiculous oversized operating systems were bashed together by semi-numerate fresh graduates between fifths of Red Bull. The record and movie company back catalogues have been placed into the public domain for the preservation of human culture and the comic-book capitalists of Wall Street have been sent to calming, soothing, humanistic re-education facilities. “We’ll teach them to love again,” said Mr Obama.

Robot housecleaners are now universally available at quite reasonable prices. The robot companion for your child, designed to say “I LOVE YOU” while the child hits it repeatedly, was an early release for Christmas 2007. The new model features the voice of Justin Fletcher from CBeebies and is designed for parents to hit repeatedly.

Future innovations for the century include the rise of the Great Old Ones from their eternal sleep to take back the Earth and consume the souls of all humanity, first driving them slowly insane. The citizenry is being prepared for this eventuality using repeated broadcasts of In The Night Garden.

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Culture secretary to rate all websites

DAS BUNKER, The Culture Wars, Saturday (NNN) — The Culture Secretary, Andy Burnham, has emphasised the necessity of new standards of decency need to be applied to the World Wide Web.

“We plan to apply film-style age ratings to all websites. There are only 186 million at the moment, so that shouldn’t be hard.” He points to the success of the 9pm television watershed at protecting children. “Children have become Victorian ideals one and all since its introduction. They never learn to swear, either.”

Andy Burnham cries real tearsProtection of children is paramount. “The Internet is quite a dangerous place,” he says. “I was on Bebo just the other day and a gang of virtual cyber-hoodies mugged me for my mobile.” Internet service providers must offer parents “child-safe” web services. “There has been no market demand for them, but we know what’s good for you. I’m concerned as a parent myself! I need to be able to leave my child in front of the Internet unattended for eight hours a day, and it’s the rest of the Internet’s job to keep an eye on my kid for me.”

He dismissed the concerns of troublemaking digital activists, anarchist defenders of paedophiles one and all. “If you look back at the people who created the internet — the military researchers for ARPA who were building a network that would survive a nuclear war — they talked very deliberately about creating a space that Governments couldn’t reach. Obviously implausible as that sounds. So it’s our job to take it over.”

Mr Burnham also plans to negotiate with Barack Obama’s administration to draw up new international rules for English language websites. “It’s not like they have laws requiring freedom of offensive speech.”

Mr Burnham also plans to give BBC licence fee money to Channel Four, and also give the record industry a massive free copyright extension, three-strikes network cutoff laws and a pony.

“The Internet has been empowering and democratising in many ways, but it can be a very, very complex and quite dangerous world, particularly for politicians. I’ve had people claiming I don’t have the first clue about what I’m regulating, but we have our donors to help us there.”

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Merry Thursday and a happy new Thursday

The Creation of Dawkins

Self-rest ye merry atheists
Let nothing you dismay
There is no evidence that Christ
Was born on Christmas day
So save us all from unreason
When we were gone astray
O tidings of reason and fact
Reason and fact
O tidings of reason and fact

In Bethlehem, in Israel,
They’re shooting it out still
Over who the imagined friend
Likes best and always will
Imaginary friends are always
Good reason to kill
O tidings of reason and fact
Reason and fact
O tidings of reason and fact

From centuries of learning
A rational person came
And unto those there listening
Brought tidings of the same:
How that in our great universe
There is no magic name.
O tidings of reason and fact
Reason and fact
O tidings of reason and fact

“Fear not then,” said the person,
“Let nothing you affright,
This day is good as any
For a pure virgin Bright,
To free all those who think in fog
From muddled thinking’s blight.”
O tidings of reason and fact
Reason and fact
O tidings of reason and fact

The thinkers at those tidings
Rejoiced much in mind,
And told their flocks a-feeding
In tempest, storm and wind:
And went to writing straight away
The ounce of sense to find.
O tidings of reason and fact
Reason and fact
O tidings of reason and fact

Now to good sense sing praises,
All you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood
Each other now embrace;
This tide of true humanity
All other doth deface.
O tidings of reason and fact
Reason and fact
O tidings of reason and fact

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Branson takes over NHS

MEDICAL MEGASTORE, Oxford Street, Monday (NNN) — Sir Richard Branson has accused politicians of “tinkering” with infection control in hospitals.

Virgin Blue Screen of Arrested Indicators“If our airlines had that kind of track record we’d be grounded. So we need to apply the Virgin Atlantic and VirginBlue model to the NHS. We’ve also our experience with Virgin Trains and bringing NTL up to quality to bring to the table.”

The new Virgin Medical PFI corporation will operate a new line of cheap, cheerful and financially efficient assembly-line medical operations. “We can buy thirty-year-old equipment cheap, like with VirginBlue, and polish it up and put new logos on it.”

Appointment scheduling will be farmed out to Virgin Trains’ Midland Mainline operations. NHS Direct and 999 will be taken on by the Virgin Media customer support department. “We think a ‘quintuple play’ of phone, internet, television, mobile and having an ambulance show up before you die will be a major marketing winner. If you haven’t been trying to read Wikipedia or anything, of course.” Non-subscribers will be taken to hospital by a Virgin Balloons flight.

Sir Richard also called for more information for patients on infection rates, and a tougher policy on managers at failing trusts. “We’re calling MRSA the ‘Virgin Killer.'”

BUPA shares were up 5% in early trading.

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Famous person’s son stays in jail, thank Christ

IN WITH THE CHAPS, Yah-Boo Club, Monday (NNN) — Otis Ferry, 26, pro-hunting campaigner and arrogant over-monied twat who wastes oxygen like there aren’t decay bacteria who could make good use of it, will spend Christmas in jail after bail was denied today.

Sad Otis in snowThe son of Roxy Music singer Bryan is charged with assault, robbery, two counts of perverting the course of justice and being an arrogant over-monied twat. He will stand trial in March for truly mind-bogglingly arrogant twattery.

Mr Ferry has made numerous applications for bail, despite repeated claims that life in prison was easy. “Oh, come on — I boarded at a public school. Though I do work to get along with the other inmates, however, regaling them with tales from the hunt and the party circuit.”

“Honest, Guv,” said multiple murderer Bob “Pound You To Mincemeat” Fister, “he opened his mouth and it woz like my brain woz bein’ sucked out my ears. Lord love a duck, get me away from the twat in case I catch a terminal case of twat or something.”

Mr Ferry is likely to remain on remand at HMP Gloucester until his trial on March 9, despite legal action by other prisoners under European human rights legislation.

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Pagans flock to Stonehenge for winter solstice

A344, Gateway To The West, Sunday (NNN) — Hundreds of druids, pagans, witches and tourists flocked to Stonehenge in Wiltshire to celebrate the Winter Solstice early this morning. The pagan tradition, celebrating the shortest day of the year, has gone back hundreds of years since being reconstructed in 1954 by Gerald Gardner.

Pagan Pink Ripple WineAbout 1,900 people, some dressed in cloaks and robes, saw the sunrise at the prehistoric site, before grabbing a previously-captured Christian virgin male and burning him in a giant wickerman on the site.

Pagan priestess Hypatia Eldritch-Wyldeblood (name legally changed from Tracey Clegg), 19, explained the long tradition of Paganism in the UK. “A lot of people say it’s just kids being trendy. But I’m from a family tradition of witchcraft and paganism going back at least a generation. Not like those Christians, they just make it all up as they go along. Jesus was a pagan, you know — frankincense was actually a shamanistic drug back then, which let the Three Mystical Seers visualise a star of pure astral energy guiding them. The forty days in the desert actually happened over one night on ibogaine. ’Strue, it’s all in this pamphlet from Salisbury Tourism!”

Salisbury Tourism has been working on enhancing the site, with Saturday night wickerman barbecues (“Get your revenge for the Burning Times! Fosters and Kronenbourg mead 2 for 1 Happy Hour! Skyclad after midnight!”) and a concession stand doing a roaring trade in fluffy bunnies. A local tax has been placed on purple to fund the redevelopment.

A £20m visitor centre is to be built at the site, but English Heritage and The National Trust are arguing vociferously over where the centre should be built, trading insults and calling each other’s mother a Christian. English Heritage consultants had sacrificed £2m to the ancient god Mammon in the process.

Aston Martin designs new Routemaster

CHAP CENTRAL, Southwark, Friday (NNN) — London mayor Boris Johnson’s competition to design a new Routemaster bus to replace the unpopular bendy buses has been won by a design from Aston Martin.

Aston Martin Double-0-Boris RoutemasterThe new bus, the Routemaster Double-O-Boris, features an aerodynamic profile, solar panels, side-mounted cannons and a fridge to keep one’s martini ingredients instantly ready. It is also able to travel up to fifty miles underwater, maintaining encrypted radio contact with “M” back at the depot, “which will be useful when we extend the number 86 to continue past Romford to Paris,” said Mr Johnson.

The accessibility problems of the old Routemaster are solved with the grab-pole at the back door, which a wheelchair can easily be tied to. A robo-conductor will take fares and shoot evaders with a taser gun. First-class will be at the front of the lower deck, with a concierge and a separate door.

The Health and Safety Executive said that all hop-on-hop-off usage would be monitored by HSE inspectors and restricted to those carrying a certificate of competency and who had a signed disclaimer on file with Transport for London.

The actual bus that will eventually be put into service is unlikely to be identical to the submitted designs, more likely being identical to the present suburban double-deckers but two feet lower and more cramped in all directions. With updated paintwork. “But it will be inspired by the winning design,” said Mr Johnson. “Pow! Bang bang bang! Cripes, Mr Bond!”

Film and TV producers call for action on file-sharing

Sir, We are a group of UK film and TV producers, directors and writers. We are concerned that the successes of the creative industries in the UK are being undermined by the illegal online file-sharing of film and TV.

We’ll fix it in postWe are asking the Government to show its support by ensuring that internet service providers play their part in tackling this huge problem by giving us money. Lots of money. Just keep piling it in, we’ll tell you when it’s enough.

In 2007, up to (well, it could be) 25 per cent of all online TV piracy took place in the UK. Popular shows are downloaded illegally hundreds of thousands of times per episode, and some of them might even be ours rather than something American made with an actual budget.

It is true that in 2008, UK commercial TV broadcasters enjoyed the highest viewing figures in five years, that total TV viewing was up 10% year-on-year, and the valuable yet hard-to-reach 16 to 24-year-old demographic (the typical file-sharer) watched 4.9% more commercial TV and saw 12% more ads. But it’s the principle of the thing: someone is getting money from something that touches something one of us once touched, therefore the money belongs to us. This is the style of corporate thinking, after all, that brought Britain its great economic gains from 1997 to 2007. At a time when so many jobs are being lost in the wider economy, it is especially important that our gravy train be maintained.

Internet service providers have the ability to change the behaviour of those customers who illegally distribute content online. They have the power to make significant change and to prevent their infrastructure from being used on a wholesale scale for illegal activity. They have the power to stop people looking at the cover of Virgin Killer. They have a secret magic wand that will fix everything wrong with the media industry’s income streams and they are refusing, with malice aforethought, to use it. If they are not prepared to give us all the free money we ask for and a bit more besides, they should be compelled to do so.

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