ODDIE, Whitehall, Friday (NNN) — The call of the MP is disappearing from Westminster’s countryside, according to the latest research that adds the little-loved species to a growing “red list” of the country’s most endangered birds for the first time, according to the latest assessment of Britain’s 646 Members of Parliament by the RSPB (Royal Society for the Protection of Bastards).

The MP, which funds its nest-eggs from the nests of others, has suffered a drastic decline in habitat and in the resources of those species it parasitises. The number of MPs considered to be most endangered has risen to over 50%, mostly from the left side of the field.

The MP’s unmistakable two-note call, described by Wordsworth as a “ker-CHING!”, is traditionally known as “the harbinger of Happy Hour.”

“When the RSPB was formed, few would have been concerned about the MP, the family member parliamentary researcher, the moat around the nest,” said Society leader Gordon Brown. “Now these creatures are some of our most endangered species. Won’t someone please think of the parliamentarians! Think of the tedious twats who’d be left without us! Just imagine Frank Field as speaker!”

THE LITTLE MPs’ ROOM, The Black Hole of Westminster, Friday (NNN) — In the MP expenses scandal, voters and media are looking to those Members of Parliament who can show a clear expense record. A leading fighter for openness on expenses is Frank Field, Labour member for Birkenhead.

“Frank has put up Excel spreadsheets showing his complete expense record on his website, including statistical analyses and pivot tables,” said Gordon Brown through gritted teeth. “He sets an example for all of us, and is the closest we have to a candidate for Speaker. I look forward to working with the swotty little goit and flushing the little arselicker’s head every morning recess in the Commons toilets.”

The annoying little dweeb has been famed in the past for his free-market affiliations and open criticisms of Labour policies. It is thought that this is mostly due not to ideology, but rather his geeky lack of social skills and delight in finding ways to annoy people that they can’t openly slap him for. He is also inordinately proud of his gold stars for attendance both in Commons and at St Tedious-In-The-Suburbs Anglican Church.

Close inspection of Mr Field’s records have shown no sign of expense abuse, though Sir John Major did let out several annoyed squeaks at Mr Field’s claims for 2B pencils, pointing out in high dudgeon that HB pencils were harder and therefore consumed lead at a slower rate. He also insinuated that he was better at tiddlywinks and programming BBC Model B microcomputers than Mr Field would ever be, not even to mention Mr Field’s lack of knowledge of cricket statistics or the deficiencies of his bus ticket collection.

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MEMBERS’ BAR, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — The House of Lords has suspended two Labour peers, Lord Truscott and Lord Taylor of Blackburn, for being stupid enough to get caught offering to influence legislation for money.

Two other Labour peers, Lord Snape and Lord Moonie, were cleared of similar allegations, but apologised to the Lords for “almost getting caught.” (Lords Potter and Sirius were not available for comment.)

“The trust that people place in parliament and parliamentarians has sunk like a stone,” thundered Lord Archer. “It does serious damage to the reputation of the house,” added Lord Black from his American residence. “It has meant being shouted at in the street, our spouses being reluctant to go to our local communities because of what people have been saying,” said Lord Lucan, speaking from Goa in India.

The last member of the upper house to be suspended was Thomas Savile, 1st Earl of Sussex, who was also barred in 1642 for siding with Gordon Brown.

“I am being made a scapegoat,” said Lord Truscott. “There are other peers far more stupid than me. Than I. Infamy, infamy! They’ve all got it in for me!”

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