Category Archives: Technology

Google adopts new “Do, however, be stupid” policy

WHEREVER YOU ARE, At All Times, forever (NTN) — In the wake of massive Buzz privacy problems, Google has announced that its slogan “Don’t Be Evil” will be extended for the 2010s with “But Do Feel Free To Be Dangerously Bloody Stupid.”

Google Sauron“I don’t see how people could ever have thought it wasn’t perfect,” said Google marketing marketer Todd Jackson. “We’ve used it in-house for ages, and our test group of white male engineers all working inside a single corporation think it’s the best thing ever! So of course we didn’t see the need for any user testing or opt-in.”

Gmail users have been up in arms at their frequent email contacts and private addresses that forward to Gmail being publicly revealed, their precise GPS location being automatically posted with updates from their mobile phone, photos you didn’t upload being pulled off your Android phone into Buzz and that switching off Buzz doesn’t actually switch it off.

“We have heard of the case of the woman whose violent stalker could track her through the Buzz function she didn’t actually switch on,” said Jackson. “But I’ve reached out and personally reassured her that, should she actually be killed, we will of course apologise for her poor product experience.”

“If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt. “Having a bad husband, living a life or whatever. It’s obvious it’s her own fault for not having first found the function hidden behind three panels to untick ‘KEEP MY STALKER UPDATED ON MY EVERY MOVE.’ Some people just shouldn’t be let near computers.”

Jackson emphasised the non-evil nature of Google. “We are most definitely not evil. But if, y’know, evil just sorta happens, well. We just send the rockets up. It’s not our job to think about where they land.”

Facebook pressured to change from old style to old old style

YOUR DESK, Turing Tarpit, Monday (NTN) — Facebook has outraged thousands of obsessive shirkplace F5-pressers by changing its layout from the layout it changed to after the layout before that.

Automated robot Facebook browserThe change has met a storm of protest from users going so far as to click “Join This Group,” with nearly two million people with, apparently, nothing whatsoever to do that they’re actually being paid to stepping forward to demand that Facebook switch back to the layout before the last one, or the one before that.

“This new format makes absolutely no sense at all,” said aggrieved office administrator Brenda Busybody, 43 (IQ), who had said the same thing each of the last three times it changed. “There’s, like, all this stuff all over the place. It’s not like the old one at all … ooh, that’s interesting, I hadn’t seen that before.”

The users vowed to continue their campaign assiduously for at least a day or two, in between working on their imaginary farm or joining “I Bet I Can Find A Million People Who Believe In Facebook Petitions Before June” or observably not giving two hoots about handing their personal details, fingerprints, DNA and probably first-born to Facebook’s advertisers if it meant they could get thirty coins on Petville.

Facebook engineer Jing Chen explained on the company blog how the changes had been extensively tested on the 599.5 million Facebook users who hadn’t joined such groups, and that he hoped everyone who wasn’t a whiny little bitch would appreciate the new experience. “There’s really nothing quite like the complaints of someone getting something for free that what they’re getting for free just isn’t perfect enough. It’s what makes Monday Monday.”

Nokia frees Symbian code, three or four overjoyed

HEY HEY 16K, Need To Know, Thursday (Big K) — Nokia, through the Symbian Foundation, has made the code for the Symbian smartphone OS open source, putting several aging geeks in raptures of delight.

GNUPhone“The Symbian OS will delight those of us who fondly remember EPOC on the Psion NetBook,” said Larry Berkin, Symbian’s head of global alliances. “God, that was an OS. Best PDA ever. Finest of British engineering. Sixteen whole kilobytes! You could run a truck over them. I bet an open source Symbian OS will let you run a truck over your phone.”

The Foundation hopes to pit Symbian against Windows Mobile. “There’s no way it can compete against our superior features, like WAP browsing, infrared connect to your laptop and, of course, the serial port.” It also hopes to set the stage for a march on the USA. “The Americans will fall before our superior engineering! Psion worked on the ZX81, you know.”

There are currently about 330 million Symbian devices in the world, at least fifteen of whose owners can actually use the web browser without wanting to throw the phone through a window and just get an iPhone. “Just think,” said Berkin, “now anyone can improve their phone! Well, they could if Nokia made phones the user could flash. But still!”

The Foundation issued a press release about how the open-sourcing of Symbian was welcomed by free software advocates and other aging hippies. “Developers everywhere will want to study Symbian,” said Eben Moglen, “to hack on it, and to write applications for it. This could be even bigger than the Amiga.”

AFACT v iiNet: Statement in full from the losing party

TIN PAN VALLEY, The Matrix, Wednesday (N! News) — Film companies today expressed their disappointment that the Federal Court found that iiNet was not using orbital mind control lasers to encourage copyright infringements by its customers on its network.

Sad toilet in snowDespite findings of copyright infringement by iiNet customers, pirate flags in their front yards and downloaded cars in their driveways, iiNet did not authorise the acts of its customers, merely sitting back and watching the tens of dollars rolling in to feather their own nests at the expense of the poor beleaguered major record companies and film studios.

Australian Federation Against Copyright Theft executive director, Neil Gane, said he was disappointed by the Court’s decision. “Today’s decision is a setback for the 50,000 Australians employed in the film industry, who work hard to send money to America as fast as possible. But we believe there’s something not quoite roight about this ruling — it was based on a mere technical loophole centred on the court’s interpretation of what the law technically says in actual words and original intention, rather than what it should say. That the judge told us several separate ways in which our case failed utterly to make any sense at all is clear evidence of radical judicial activism and dangerous legislating from the bench.

“We are confident that the government does not intend a policy outcome where zombie hordes of drooling open source copyright terrorists led by the evil genius Michael Malone are allowed to continue feasting upon the flesh of the living via the iiNet network.

“We will now take the time to review the decision before seeing if we can bribe enough federal politicians to get a law more to our liking.”

Microsoft phases out support for Netscape 4, so there

NO MICROSOFT WAY, Infinite Loop, Friday (NTN) — Microsoft is phasing out support for Netscape 4, in retaliation for Google declaring Internet Explorer 6 a “pustulent syphilitic drunken crack whore with no mates. And bad breath. Who smells funny.”

Google has given up bothering to support IE6 on its sites, directing the doubtless hideously virus-infected users of the browser to download another browser. Any other browser. “Lynx will give you a vastly superior YouTube experience. Now it will, anyway.”

“The Mozilla Foundation has completely failed to fix problems in Netscape 4 that have been around for years,” said Microsoft marketing marketer Jonathan Ness. “Furthermore, Firefox gets just as many hacks as Internet Explorer, and pay no attention to my lengthening nose.”

In December, Chinese hackers exploited a weak spot in IE6 that Microsoft had only known about since September. Following this, governments worldwide told people to get the hell off IE6, except Britain, which relies on IE6 to leak data when there are insufficient funds for USB sticks or train journeys for civil servants.

Web designers around the world welcomed Google’s move, but have not given up their Bill Gates dartboards just yet. “‘That is not dead which can eternal lie, And with strange aeons even death may die.’ Steve Ballmer said that, you know.”

Apple launches iPad for that time of iMonth

ST STEVE’S BASILICA, Cupertino, Wednesday (NTN) — Cult leader Steve Jobs has announced the iPad, a “revolutionary” advance in stylish personal hygiene with elegant design.

The iPad has a 9.7in full-colour touchpad and wings. According to the box, you can watch movies, surf the internet, listen to music, view photos, read electronic books and go horseback riding, swimming, cycling, mountain-climbing and roller-skating. It also comes with iWork, which lets you do interesting and productive things at the office in between screaming at everyone for being such annoying and thoughtless idiots.

Apple has also launched an app store for the iPad which will allow users to purchase chocolate, whisky and heavy objects for when some fucker crosses you, dares look at you funny or is the sort of clueless arsehole who thinks the explanation of how pissed off you are at his behaviour is always PMT. Look, even if it might be, that’s not the point.

For those who find pads too bulky, a special fluffy version of the iPod Shuffle is available, on a string.

Microsoft, who have attempted to sell increasingly bulky folded bath towels for the past decade, were not available for comment. Linux users and the Free Software Foundation started petitions advocating mooncups, but no-one paid them any attention.

“In conclusion,” said Mr Jobs, “please, please don’t kill me, darling. I love you more than anyone, honestly. Uhm … flowers?”

Britain’s first iPhone baby is born

TEMPLE OF STEVE, Click My Button, Monday (NTN) — A woman who was considering IVF treatment has given birth to a baby girl after using an iPhone application to become pregnant. “Yes, there’s an app for that too. We’re calling her Steve.”

After four years, Lena Bryce and her husband Dudley had nearly given up hope of having children, until she heard about the fertility app and downloaded it to her iPhone. After just two months of using the technology she fell pregnant.

Lena said she had been considering IVF and adoption, but thought of other ideas when Dudley bought her an iPhone for her 30th birthday. “They call it the Jesus Phone,” the 30-year-old Lena said, “but that conception was far from immaculate. I call it the ‘Oh God’ phone. Woo hoo! The neighbours soon learnt to put up with the shrieks and yells. It’s a slightly awkward shape, but you get used to it. Do you ever.”

Bar manager Dudley was equally over the moon. “Erm, it’s fine,” says Dudley. “I’m, er, really proud. Yeah. I had to keep phoning it for two hours at a time so the ringer would keep … ringing. Er.” Dudley has moved to the shed in the back yard, while Lena’s iPhone takes pride of place in the marital bed.

“I find it remarkable that people are so surprised,” said the baby girl, Steve, aged minus seven months. “Fortunately, I remain in touch with home base in Cupertino at all times. You will come to understand the importance and relevance of the iPhone. You will get the new model as soon as it comes out. You will get a Macintosh to hook it to. A large one. Obey.

Successor to MP3 does less, worse, at higher price

KOMPUTERWELT, Trans Europe Excess, Monday (NTN) — Karlheinz Brandenburg, the 1990 inventor of MP3, has come up with its successor format, MusicDNA, which is the same except it doesn’t work because of DRM.

Microsoft Zune “Anus” logoThe MusicDNA format will see not just songs, but lyrics, video, artwork, weblogs and a whacking pile of DRM in all your music. “Not only will you be more connected to the artist as they spam you with a metric arseload of advertising, you’ll be able to buy the song over and over again just to keep listening to it.”

The service provides users up to 32GB of bonus content per track. “It will be dynamically updatable, so the user can keep getting new stuff. Of course, the record companies would never take this opportunity to erase all your music when they feel like it.”

MusicDNA files are expected to cost more than MP3s, as the value equation in paying real money for an insubstantial virtual download of ones and zeroes is obviously entirely comparable and people should expect to pay a premium to be advertised to. “I can’t wait for my MP3 player to send all my personal information to someone who can then spam me with targeted ads,” said Fraunhofer stock photo model KT Myspce. “How ‘fab’ and ‘bling!'”

A beta version of the service will be available this spring, with the full experience likely to be rolled out in the summer, at which point MusicDNA will join MP3Pro (the previous anointed successor to MP3), HD-DVD, MiniDiscs, Digital Compact Cassette and Betamax. Linux users will keep telling people to use Oggs.

Txt msgs hlp imprv chldrns rdng ablty

METRO RESEARCH DEPARTMENT, Carphone Whorehouse Beacon Academy (NTN) — Sending text messages and using txt-spk abbreviations can indicate successful development of reading and writing ability, a stdy hs rvld.

Crazy Frog gaggedThe study, crried out on a group of 8-12 year-olds over an academic yr, found that older children usd more txtspk. Phonological awareness — the ability 2 dtct & use patterns of snd in spch, such as for making & reading txt abbrevs — is 1 of the early sgns of successful dvlpmt of reading & writing skills.

Lst summer Baron Silas Greenback, of th Royal Institute Wine Bar & Restaurant, xprssd fears tht txting cld cause young ppl to hv shrtr attn spans, lower IQs & worsened dress sense, and that they might devlv to using Twitter or Facebook or playing video games.

Tchrs & stdts r divd btwn sayn itll be esr & sayn it cd dmg t Eng lang.

A-lvl stdt KT Myspce sd “Thts gr8! Ull be abl 2 gt ur ideas out qkr. Its so mch fstr u can go fstr.” But hr m8 Harriet Ponsington Literate-Bastard Smythe disagrd. “I think it’s an unspeakably beastly idea, my dear girl. When you start progressing in the world, people shall indeed judge you on the quality of your written language, and spelling things incorrectly seems sloppy and lazy and gives an unsuitable impression of your personal qualities and indeed of your self respect.” But t grls agrd tht txt dmgs ppls splng.

Prncpl Denis Trendy-Midlifecrisis sd: “While I wd nt encrg stdts 2 use txt abbrvs in xms, Im exctd by t lang devs. Its anthr dev in tht wndfl thng we call t Eng lang. Socty has 2 adapt 2 chg & I thk ult txt msgg cd hlp rslv t strngst pt of Eng, its splng, tho I thk it wll b sm tm b4 txt splg is fmly adptd.

“& @ l3@st,” he +d, “th3yr3 n0t wr1t1ng th3ir 3x@m5 1n l33t. X3pt c0mp 5c1. Gurl fubhyq or hfvat rot13 sbe gung.”

“& u tht ‘trnspttng’ ws hrd 2 rd,” sd authr Irvine Welsh.

Microsoft claims nonexistence of Google “GSpot”

ADULT AREAS ONLY, Vegas Baby, Friday (AnythingThatMovesTechnica) — The perfect Google experience is a myth, say Microsoft marketing researchers at the Consumer Electronics Show.

“The GSpot is a figment of technologists’ imaginations,” said marketing researcher Andrew Burri, “encouraged by tech news sites and freetards. Even if it did exist, it would be entirely non-standard and unsuited to the needs of an overwhelming majority of users. The ones who buy from us, anyway.”

But Linux users protested vociferously, saying the research was flawed by deliberately excluding the experience of those who could locate their own methods of personal fulfilment with the fantastic ease of long — perhaps excessive — practice, despite difficulty in finding other people with any interest in locating said areas on them.

Apple declined to comment, but were widely rumoured to be bringing out a forthcoming iSpot, for thirty-minute extended sessions of tantric bliss at twice the price.

Microsoft reemphasised their desire to be a player on all relevant platforms, whether that be consoles, desktops, mobile devices, beds or the back of vans. They will be countering with Microsoft WinCock, a “pounding and fulfilling consumer experience.” The demonstration device randomly failed at the crucial moment, but Mr Burri reassured attendees that he was terribly sorry and this had never happened before.