WHEREVER YOU ARE, At All Times, forever (NTN) — In the wake of massive Buzz privacy problems, Google has announced that its slogan “Don’t Be Evil” will be extended for the 2010s with “But Do Feel Free To Be Dangerously Bloody Stupid.”

“I don’t see how people could ever have thought it wasn’t perfect,” said Google marketing marketer Todd Jackson. “We’ve used it in-house for ages, and our test group of white male engineers all working inside a single corporation think it’s the best thing ever! So of course we didn’t see the need for any user testing or opt-in.”

Gmail users have been up in arms at their frequent email contacts and private addresses that forward to Gmail being publicly revealed, their precise GPS location being automatically posted with updates from their mobile phone, photos you didn’t upload being pulled off your Android phone into Buzz and that switching off Buzz doesn’t actually switch it off.

“We have heard of the case of the woman whose violent stalker could track her through the Buzz function she didn’t actually switch on,” said Jackson. “But I’ve reached out and personally reassured her that, should she actually be killed, we will of course apologise for her poor product experience.”

“If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt. “Having a bad husband, living a life or whatever. It’s obvious it’s her own fault for not having first found the function hidden behind three panels to untick ‘KEEP MY STALKER UPDATED ON MY EVERY MOVE.’ Some people just shouldn’t be let near computers.”

Jackson emphasised the non-evil nature of Google. “We are most definitely not evil. But if, y’know, evil just sorta happens, well. We just send the rockets up. It’s not our job to think about where they land.”

NO MICROSOFT WAY, Infinite Loop, Friday (NTN) — Microsoft is phasing out support for Netscape 4, in retaliation for Google declaring Internet Explorer 6 a “pustulent syphilitic drunken crack whore with no mates. And bad breath. Who smells funny.”

Google has given up bothering to support IE6 on its sites, directing the doubtless hideously virus-infected users of the browser to download another browser. Any other browser. “Lynx will give you a vastly superior YouTube experience. Now it will, anyway.”

“The Mozilla Foundation has completely failed to fix problems in Netscape 4 that have been around for years,” said Microsoft marketing marketer Jonathan Ness. “Furthermore, Firefox gets just as many hacks as Internet Explorer, and pay no attention to my lengthening nose.”

In December, Chinese hackers exploited a weak spot in IE6 that Microsoft had only known about since September. Following this, governments worldwide told people to get the hell off IE6, except Britain, which relies on IE6 to leak data when there are insufficient funds for USB sticks or train journeys for civil servants.

Web designers around the world welcomed Google’s move, but have not given up their Bill Gates dartboards just yet. “‘That is not dead which can eternal lie, And with strange aeons even death may die.’ Steve Ballmer said that, you know.”

ST STEVE’S BASILICA, Cupertino, Wednesday (NTN) — Cult leader Steve Jobs has announced the iPad, a “revolutionary” advance in stylish personal hygiene with elegant design.

The iPad has a 9.7in full-colour touchpad and wings. According to the box, you can watch movies, surf the internet, listen to music, view photos, read electronic books and go horseback riding, swimming, cycling, mountain-climbing and roller-skating. It also comes with iWork, which lets you do interesting and productive things at the office in between screaming at everyone for being such annoying and thoughtless idiots.

Apple has also launched an app store for the iPad which will allow users to purchase chocolate, whisky and heavy objects for when some fucker crosses you, dares look at you funny or is the sort of clueless arsehole who thinks the explanation of how pissed off you are at his behaviour is always PMT. Look, even if it might be, that’s not the point.

For those who find pads too bulky, a special fluffy version of the iPod Shuffle is available, on a string.

Microsoft, who have attempted to sell increasingly bulky folded bath towels for the past decade, were not available for comment. Linux users and the Free Software Foundation started petitions advocating mooncups, but no-one paid them any attention.

“In conclusion,” said Mr Jobs, “please, please don’t kill me, darling. I love you more than anyone, honestly. Uhm … flowers?”

ADULT AREAS ONLY, Vegas Baby, Friday (AnythingThatMovesTechnica) — The perfect Google experience is a myth, say Microsoft marketing researchers at the Consumer Electronics Show.

“The GSpot is a figment of technologists’ imaginations,” said marketing researcher Andrew Burri, “encouraged by tech news sites and freetards. Even if it did exist, it would be entirely non-standard and unsuited to the needs of an overwhelming majority of users. The ones who buy from us, anyway.”

But Linux users protested vociferously, saying the research was flawed by deliberately excluding the experience of those who could locate their own methods of personal fulfilment with the fantastic ease of long — perhaps excessive — practice, despite difficulty in finding other people with any interest in locating said areas on them.

Apple declined to comment, but were widely rumoured to be bringing out a forthcoming iSpot, for thirty-minute extended sessions of tantric bliss at twice the price.

Microsoft reemphasised their desire to be a player on all relevant platforms, whether that be consoles, desktops, mobile devices, beds or the back of vans. They will be countering with Microsoft WinCock, a “pounding and fulfilling consumer experience.” The demonstration device randomly failed at the crucial moment, but Mr Burri reassured attendees that he was terribly sorry and this had never happened before.