ENIGMA, Bletcherous Park, Thursday (NNGadget) — Academics at De Montfort University in Leicester have put together a team tasked with getting grants to claim to predict the next big thing in communication technologies, in a bid to tackle funding pitfalls before they become a problem.

“Widespread Internet adoption has afforded some technologies rapid growth,” said Dr Bernd Stahl, “but have also generated downsides. For example, uppity Internet users think all this is for their social enjoyment and cultural enhancement, rather than to firmly attach a vacuum hose to their wallet.”

Under the two year project, entitled Ethical Issues of Emerging ICT Applications, researchers use old William Gibson novels to identify information and communication technologies likely to emerge in the next 10 to 15 years and spot any unforeseen drawbacks to milking the consumer as hard as possible, but no harder. “The Web 2.0 model — you create the content, we get the money — has much potential. However, cautionary examples such as Wikipedia show what happens when you put that sort of power in the hands of a nonprofit. So much money left on the table!”

Dr Stahl’s team will identify and list the future applications and the issues that are likely to arise. “So far we’ve successfully predicted that ‘e-mail’ will become quite popular — that’s where you send letters electronically, without using paper. Outlandish, I know! There’s also a possible niche for sending short text messages using telephones, if the telephone is attached to the network by a sufficiently long cable. In conclusion, send us more money and we’ll see what we can do for you. Remember: MONEY to US. That’s the important bit. It’s for science, you know.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

THE PANOPTICON, Mountain View, Thursday (NNGadget) — The director of Google Earth and Maps, John Hankes, has rubbished claims that Street View is a “burglar’s charter.”

“It’s ridiculous to say all our users are burglars. We have several who aren’t! Probably.”

Bob “Pound You To Mincemeat” Fister, recently of Wormwood Scrubs, lent his support to the initiative. “It also works really well with Google Latitude, so’s I can keep track of my … business associates an’ … prospective future customers.”

Street View has weathered a storm of controversy since its March introduction, with Harry Potter of the Observer describing Google as an “amoral menace, indexing things man was not meant to know and defiling our genetic code” and accusing Street View of “working against the laws of nature and the natural order of God, who clearly intended us to use MSN Windows Live Search Kumo Search.”

Villagers in Buckinghamshire, wielding Fairtrade designer ecologically-sound pitchforks and torches, recently blockaded a Google camera car and recycled the driver in a large wicker man bonfire on the village outskirts.

But Hankes defends the service, saying “public debate is very healthy. More people should definitely check out the service, and the advertising on it. Mmm, clickable. Very clickable. Sooo clickable.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

CREATIVE DESTRUCTION, Soho, Monday (NNN) — 60% of UK consumers are willing to browse with an ad-blocker in return for free videos, music and other content, a survey has revealed.

“This willingness to pretend to view adverts in exchange for free content is good news for sites wanting to lie to advertisers,” said Tudor Aw at KPMG, “and is perhaps a pointer in the ongoing debate over whether lying to advertisers or lying to subscribers is the right revenue model.”

40% of respondents said they would pretend to accept popups, popunders, interstitials, Phorm, floating windows zipping and swooping about the screen, Flash videos that start playing sound automatically, eye-gouging animations and 2o7.net cookies in exchange for free music. 16% said they would pay to avoid ads. The rest would continue to get their telly from BitTorrent and browse with Mozilla Firefox with AdBlock.

People were more willing to pay on mobile phones, unless they had a modern phone that could steal someone’s WiFi connection.

Google, the world’s largest online advertising agency, said it was looking into tastefully-interspersed direct content advertising and brand placement, and added that you should PUNCH THE MONKEY TO WIN £20,000!!! “If you know what’s good for you.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

SCHESTOWITZ, Newham, Friday (MSBBC) — Microsoft today launched Surface, its tabletop computer system, in the UK yesterday.

People will use the touchscreen computer “the same way they have interacted with everyday items their entire lives,” said Philippa Snare of Microsoft UK, “with hands and with gestures.” Instead of a keyboard or mouse, the techno-table uses a 30-inch touch-sensitive screen that also reacts to objects placed on it. Photos are automatically downloaded from cameras or phones. A spilt cup of coffee causes the “I’m a PC” guy to appear on the screen and start shouting at you for ruining his shirt, and your fourth Big Mac of the day causes him to keel over with a heart attack and the system to blue-screen. Users then make an appropriate gesture.

Unlike conventional computers which only one person can use at a time, Surface is a “multi-touch” system allowing several people can use the screen at the same time. Stealing someone’s data is as simple as sliding your phone onto the screen. “We’ve made it completely compatible with popular gadgets such as Windows Mobile and Zune.”

Surface will appear in communal areas such as shops, hotels and pubs first, allowing the public to get used to the new technology and see how it responds to pints being poured over it and kebabs in the coin slot.

Surface is part of Microsoft’s vision of the Digital Home. “Imagine your television, your refrigerator, your gas boiler running Windows Vista — I mean, Windows 7. What could possibly go wrong?”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!