DO-AS-YOU-PLEASE, Faraway Tree, Friday (NNN) — The Easter Bunny should be discussed in school science lessons rather than dismissed, says Professor Michael Reiss, director of education at the Royal Society and of infiltration at the Discovery Institute.
“If pupils have strongly-held family beliefs about the Easter Bunny, such ideas should be explored,” he said. “Easterbunnyism, Fatherchristmasism or the contemporary militant Tooth Fairy jihadist movement are best seen by science teachers not as a misconception but as a world view. This is more valuable than simply banging on about ‘reality.’ Reality-based thinking is vastly overrated and certainly won’t prepare children for a career in the City or in government.”
Rev Prof Reiss, a biologist and Church of England minister, estimates that about one in 10 children is from a family which instructs its children in the Tooth Fairy theory of dentistry. “Obviously, these are from the stratum of society with more spare 50p pieces.”
Simon Underdown of Oxford Brookes University disagreed. “With so much to be crammed into science lessons, it is not a worthwhile use of time to include lessons on Easterbunnyism. We have monthly standardised testing to coach pupils on.”
The Royal Society quickly put out a statement affirming that it is opposed to such concepts being taught as science. Professor Richard Dawkins is working on a children’s text on useful ways to quickly construct street-corner gallows and burning stakes for rehabilitation of the religious.
INUÉNDEAUX, Switzerland, Tuesday (NNN) — The Large Hardon Collider, to be turned on tomorrow, is designed to pump various types of hardon up to huge energies before banging them together. However, many concerned citizens without the personal experience or understanding of what hardons do worry at the idea of the large hardons being sucked deep into a black hole.
The device will push large, energised hardons through a ring repeatedly, faster and faster, as smoothly and tightly as possible, until they clash and spray matter in all directions. “It’s nothing that cosmic rays don’t do all the time all over the place,” reassured a particularly buff scientist. “It’s perfectly right and natural.”
Low-energy hardon physics and the temperature dependence of hardon production are well understood, as is the process of a hardon smoothly entering the nucleus. But some question what may happen at greater, hotter energies.
Church leaders have come out at the device. “They’re the same polarity!” said Pope Palpatine XVI. The Church worries that strange matter may recruit normal matter and turn it strange.
The Large Hardon Collider was to launch in May, but this has been delayed until mid-September. “I’m so sorry,” stammered a scientist, “this has never happened to us before.”
LAIR OF EVIL, Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire, Friday (NNGadget) — Dr Evil’s plans to destroy the earth have come ever-closer, with the construction of a Large Hadron Collider in a secret location in Switzerland.
“Unless the governments of the world give me one hundred beelion dollars, I shall pull the switch that shall send the world to relativistic doomsday! As well as greatly advancing physics and our understanding of the secrets of the universe.”
Dr Evil’s Large Hadron Collider threatens such fates as the destruction of the Universe through a recreated Big Bang, strangelets converting all normal matter, wormholes in space and time or the possible creation of the World Wide Web.
The citizenry of the world have risen in protest, with lawyers, psychologists and other persons highly versed in particle physics attempting to stop the device through the courts. This is attributed to the accidental creation of a strange moron particle, which spreads through the world turning everyone it encounters into more strange morons.
In a capstone of evil, the Large Hadron Collider will run Windows Vista. “See if it doesn’t! Muwaaahahahaha! I’m sorry, that was gratuitous. It runs Google Chrome, of course.”
NOME TROPICANA, Drinks Are Free, Long Hot Summer (NNN) — The Arctic Ocean is now largely clear of ice, heralding vast new business opportunities, President Sarah Palin announced today.
The famed North-West Passage is now permanently navigable, with huge shipping volumes between Arctic nations. “We’re considering just building a highway straight across,” said Mrs Palin, “though those long desert drives can be dangerous to health without air conditioning.”
Tourists have been flocking to Alaska and northern Canada to get away from the boiling oceans and sulphurous atmosphere around Hawaii. The Nunavut Tourist Bureau has shipped 60,000 swimming polar bear shirts this month alone. “It’s also clear,” said Palin, “that the bears have no business claiming to be endangered when there’s so many jobs in tourism for them.”
Oil drilling in Alaska will also be much easier, and will of course further the conditions leading to this Arctic economic boom. “No it won’t,” said Palin. “What are you talking about?”
“I’ll say one thing for them evilutionist climate change conspirators,” giggled Palin, “their hard work to take away the ice and make it look like they were right has done wonders for us good and decent folk.”
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PUTIN’S TROUSERS, Manly Heaven, Sunday (RT) — Vladimir Putin has taken a brief pause in lambasting the effete Westerners to save a Russian television crew from a Siberian tiger while visiting the Ussuri reserve in Siberia.
As Mr Putin was arriving to see a trapped Amur tiger, it escaped and ran towards the camera crew. Putin is said to have quickly grabbed the 200kg beast, raised it above his head, body-slammed it to the ground, called its mother a Georgian, buggered it senseless and finally tranquilised it with three blows about the head from his engorged manhood.
The former KGB spy had several takes filmed of him striding through the taiga in camouflage trousers, desert boots and no shirt before he grappled with the tiger, that part unfortunately not being recorded. He helped measure the Amur tiger’s incisors with his massive penis (also not filmed) before placing a satellite transmitter around the neck of the beast, firmly gluing it on with his own testosterone.
“Vladimir Putin not only managed to see the giant predator up close but saved our crew,” gushed a presenter at the start of the main evening news. “The Leader stopped off only to fertilise my receptive womanhood with his pounding manliness. I am deeply honoured to further his superior Russian genes.”
Putin thanked Western researchers for also attempting to help save the Amur tigers. “But come to me and I’ll show you how to do it right. EU girly men.”
INTEL CASTLE, Transylvania, Friday (NNGadget) — A future without batteries — no need to charge phones or MP3 players, or even electric cars. No lost phone chargers, no running out of power sockets. Intel chief technology officer Justin Rattner demonstrated a Wireless Energy Resonant Link as he spoke at the annual Intel developers forum in San Francisco yesterday.
Rattner demonstrated this by causing his ears to light up at 60 watts of power a yard from a power transmitter operated by his assistant Igor. Only four journalists were incinerated when the power earthed through them from his fingertips.
Rattner reassured us that pumping kilowatts of power around the home through magnetic induction power is absolutely harmless. “The human body is not affected by magnetic fields,” he said as one journalist with a pacemaker collapsed and another with a knee replacement watched his leg catch fire. “There’s no danger whatsoever from it, any more than there is from mobile phones cooking your brain, microwave leakage blinding you, chemical waste unraveling all the DNA in your balls or statistical clusters of kids with cancer wherever high-tension power lines run overhead. Asbestos and thalidomide were horribly slandered in their day too.”
“Of course, Nikola Tesla did it first in 1899,” said enthusiast Albert Tedious-Anorak, 54, of Little Boring. “I detailed this at length on Wikipedia, but they refused to believe the value of my revelations on this matter due to a conspiracy of Edison fans amongst the site administrators.”
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NASTIE, Nice, Monday (NNN) — The Association of the British Pharmaceutical Industry (ABPI) has poured scorn on Prof Sir Michael Rawlins of the National Institute for Clinical Excellence (NICE) after he accused them of profiteering on drugs.
“I am shocked, shocked — oh, my cheque? Thank you! — at the notion they could be profiteering on drugs,” said Stephen Pollard of completely independent thinktank Centre for the New Europe. “As well as saving lives, drug companies eliminated communism and brought the downfall of the North Korean dictatorship, entirely through the marketing of little blue pills guaranteed to give you an erection. Research budgets are up to nearly half the marketing budgets, giving humanity such boons as V1k@grk@, Rogaine, Spanish Fly — the list is endless.”
Professor Rawlins stridently maintained his position that the “postcode lottery” for cancer treatments, where any patient with a letter or number in their postcode gets nothing, was not their doing. “It was the drug companies’ prices that killed all those cancer patients! Them! Them! Not us!”
NICE’s approach attempts to deal with the problem at the heart of the NHS: patients and their need for care, which can seriously affect waiting times for managerial bonuses and privately-funded infrastructure subsidies. Local doctors will be reducing levels of service and berating and belittling patients who refuse to cease unhealthy habits such as buying food they can afford, living in a city or being too poor to pay for BUPA. Viagra remains, of course, available free on the NHS.
THE LAB, Transylvania, Saturday (NotScientist) — Prince Charles must prove his claim that GM crops could cause a global environmental disaster, Environment Minister Phil Woolas has challenged.
Mr Woolas said it was the government’s “moral responsibility” to investigate whether genetically modified crops, fully owned and patented to the hilt by Monsanto, could help provide a suitably profitable solution to hunger in the developing world. Monsanto famously protect their hard work, having sued and won for patent violation when their seeds have blown onto another farmer’s land.
“We see this as part of our Africa strategy,” he said. “It’s easy for those of us with plentiful food supplies to ignore the issue, but we have a responsibility to use science to get our hooks into the less well off where we can. We certainly wouldn’t drive them off their land, they’re too useful to us as labour. It’s in their own best interest. I think of it as the ‘Corporate Man’s Burden.'”
Nestlé has also urged the European Union to review its opposition to GM. “People are starting to think Monsanto are a bigger bunch of bastards than we are, and we can’t have such strikes against our public image go unchallenged.”
ATLANTA, South Ossetia, Friday (NNN) — Intarweb 2.0 clickapreneurs Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer have found the corpse of Bigfoot, the famed Sasquatch of the Appalachian Caucasus.
They announced the find on blue-chip Internet news sites Fark, Something Awful and 4chan. “We are merely humble hikers who happened across incredible find! We braved circling of other Bigfeet as they saw body of their blood brother dragged away!”
Evidence presented at the press conference included a single detailed Polaroid photograph (“and you wouldn’t believe how hard it was to find an actual working Polaroid camera and film instead of a cheap digicam,” said Dyer), consisting of red and brown blurs and only slight development-time scratching of the surface of the Polaroid. DNA evidence included an email from Engr. BANKOLE VASANI, assistant to the late JONES WHITTON DYER, who offered access to 25 thousand million DNA bases (kB 25,000,000.00) in exchange for a sample of Bigfoot DNA for assessment and free access to the lab accounts. They were also working on tracking down rumors of a tortilla with Bigfoot’s face on it.
Whitton and Dyer’s website, www.yarlybigfoothonest.com, details their amazing find, complete with T-shirts and caps, embedded YouTube videos, a LOLBIGFOOT generator and many “fabulously clickable” Google ads.
“I didn’t believe in Bigfoot at the time,” said Whitton, “but there’s something deeply convincing about a click-attracting business plan. It certainly overwhelmed my rational skepticism and authentic down-home hillbilly common sense.”
“Are there a lot of psychos in the Bigfoot community?” a reporter asked.
Yes, answered Whitton. “It seems like there are lot of people in the Bigfoot world who are a little delusional. Fortunately, we know all of you are smarter than that.”
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