THE RECTORY, Arsenal, Christmas (NTN) — The Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols, has spent Midnight Mass, the second most important service of the year, talking about bumsex, bumsex and bumsex.
“Marriage between men and women shares in the creative love of God. Everything else is bumsex. Bumsex! Bumsex! Whatever you do, don’t think about bumsex.
“Also, gays are just icky. Possibly as icky as girls, we haven’t worked that one out yet. Perhaps bumsex …”
The Archbishop spoke at length about marriage and procreation, in his capacity as a lifelong celibate. “You can’t have children with bumsex. Apparently you can’t have that the other way around, either … Really? Are you sure about that one?”
He fiercely criticised the government’s plans to act according to all three parties’ manifestos. “Orwell gays mandate Stalin JACKBOOTS democracy HITLER HITLER HITLER. Who was definitely an atheist and not at all Catholic. Bumsex.”
Sang the carolers outside, “Weeeee wish you a merry bumsex/ We wish you a merry bumsex/ We wish you a merry bumsex/ And a happy new arse.”