DAS BUNKER, Westminster, Monday — Adolf Hitler has apologised for any “upset” caused by a “clumsily” worded e-mail, comparing his treatment to that of MPs over their expenses.

Mr Hitler, the Chancellor of Germany, made the apology after Roosevelt and Churchill had pointed out that comparing himself to David Wilshire, Tory MP for Spelthorne, was “frankly ludicrous”.

In his email response to subsequent correspondence, which he said had included death threats, Mr Hitler wrote: “The witch-hunt against Nazis in general will undermine democracy. Branding a whole group of people as undesirables led to the horror and carnage of the MP expenses scandal.”

He apologised for “comparing myself to an odious entitled twat like that Wilshire wanker — at least I didn’t pay half my bloody salary to Eva as a ‘researcher,'” but said he felt a bit put out that his hard work for German lebensraum and really good motorways was completely underappreciated. “I could show MPs how to live off bloody rations, mate.”

Mr Hitler was forced to announce last month that he would step down as leader of the Third Reich.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

THE MEMORY HOLE, Wolverhampton South West, Thursday (NNN) — Labour has criticised Tory MEP Daniel Hannan for citing Adolf Hitler in an interview.

Mr Hannan told Randroid magazine that the 1930s German chancellor understood “the importance of a really good motorway.” He later told the BBC he was a “libertarian” on immigration, but was fully on-side with Mr Hitler over the right grade of asphalt and suitably wide turning circles at interchanges. “His expertise in these matters really isn’t appreciated these days.”

The MEP caused controversy two weeks ago when he gave a stirring speech on US television saying that the NHS would lead to “rivers of blood” — prompting Tory leader David Cameron to ask the media to “pay no attention to the silly, silly man behind the curtain” and gently remind Mr Hannan that getting elected next year would be quite nice, thanks.

Mr Hannan also became a hit on the video sharing site YouTube, with a three minute speech in the European Parliament attacking Gordon Brown, that was set to a clip from the movie Downfall and had “Dragostea Din Tei” as backing music.

The Conservatives said Mr Hannan would not be disciplined because his praise for Mr Hitler had not referred to the late politician’s stance on immigration. “He does have some quite eccentric views about some things,” said Mr Cameron. “Ha! Ha! There’s a reason we sent him off to Europe, where he couldn’t do much harm. Daniel, do feel free not to comment in public on anything whatsoever until next June, there’s a good chap.”

BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Brussels, Wednesday — Given the choice of thieves and/or liars, neo-Nazis, palaeo-Nazis and plain gibbering nutters, those voters who bothered with the 2009 European Parliament elections rather than staying home to work on their taste for White Lightning have reluctantly and with great pain chosen the Greens as the gibbering nutters of choice, despite the party’s deep suspicion of any technology or medicine more complicated or considered than banging two rocks together. Sustainably-quarried rocks, chiseled in a free-range masonry with high quality state-funded education.

The party maintains that its position on technology, science and medicine has been grossly misrepresented. “The spiritual colon cleansing over MPs’ expenses has been vastly entertaining for all, for example. Furthermore, bombing — I mean, gently encouraging — Westminster back to the Stone Age is a surefire winner for our national ambitions.”

The UK Independence Party accused Eurocrat electoral infiltrators of having “robbed” it of votes in the design of the ballot paper as its voters could not find it on the ballot, being unable to figure out how to unfold the paper. The party will be mounting a legal challenge on the matter as soon as they find consultants able to explain to them how to work pencils.

The remaining Labour voters have demanded legal protection as a minority cult religion, or possibly a diagnosable mental illness.