DOPE ON A ROPE, Rome, Saturday (NTN) — The Vatican® has stated that the rape© of children by Catholic™ priests is protected by a “special and unique” copyright, and anyone attempting to discuss the matter will be sued, excommunicated and declared a Suppressive Person.
“Recent years have witnessed a great increase of affection and esteem for the person of the Holy Father™, L. Benedict Ratzinger®,” said the statement. “As such, any person or organisation seeking to name, defame or allude to His Holiness®, any of his Bishops™ or Priests™, or any activities of any of said persons in any capacity, shall be deemed to have violated the Sacred Covenant of Berne, to be a ‘no case gain’ Suppressive Person and to be duly excommunicated and sued into atomic dust. ALWAYS ATTACK, NEVER DEFEND.”
Evidence only recently brought to light, “which we can’t show you, it’s copyright,” apparently demonstrates that playwright William Shakespeare™ was secretly Catholic. “So we’re claiming copyright in everything he did too. And Francis Bacon™. And the Earl of Oxford™.”
The Church’s lawyers have worked hard to defend their intellectual property rights on such creative works as those of the Irish priests upon their young charges that only recently came to light. “Our determination to protect and preserve the rights to view, discuss or know about these three-dimensional kinetic performance works, and our tour support for the priests to take these works ‘on the road’ to new parishes, demonstrates the unimpeachable sincerity of our stance — firmly behind the artists. Legs wide, of course.”
The Pope™ himself has been appalled at the reaction to his recent decision to beatify Adolf Hitler, and described his visit to the Pius XII memorial as “an upsetting encounter with cruelty and senseless hatred. I didn’t like it much either.”
SEVENTH IMPOSSIBLE THING, Vatican City, Friday (NNN) — A Vatican researcher claims to have proven the Shroud of Turin genuine, shortly after the Large Hadron Collider achieved a half-circuit proton beam on Friday.
The shroud was previously carbon-dated to the 1300s. However, Dr Barbara Frale asserts in her new book The Shroud is Real so Christ is Real so Give the Catholic Church Your Bloody Money that the shroud is real, therefore Christ is real, therefore you should give the Catholic Church your bloody money.
“No mediaeval forger would have called him ‘Jesus the Nazarene,'” said Dr Frale. “They just wouldn’t. It’s much more plausible that the fabric magically carbon-dated itself 1300 years into the future, thus demonstrating the essential divinity of carbon-14. Getting my name in all the papers was, of course, the most unexpected and uninteresting of side-effects.”
Inexplicable phenomena have abounded since the Large Hadron Collider was switched back on — with people finding Gordon Brown to be prime minister despite no-one remembering voting for him, an Asian joining the British National Party (and having to shove dog droppings through his own letterbox) and Europe suddenly being a federal state with a president. The bird with a particularly well-aimed baguette was attributed to a rogue French military assault.
“Nothing can go wrong,” said CERN Director General Rolf Heuer, stretching his newly-elastic arm across the room to grab an unrelated conical flask to pipette coloured water into for the press photographers. “The collider cannot possibly cause a black hole to consume the earth, this assertion is just silly. The Pope’s head spontaneously exploding is pure coincidence. We assure the ladies, gentlemen, goosnarghs and quzklms of the press that they can continue to live in the manner humans have for fourteen trillion square years, guarding their precious clutches of eggs from marauding strangelets and malevolent intelligent equations, safe in the knowledge that life continues as it always has and, Gods one, two, seven and thirty-eight willing, always will. Probably.”
BRUSSELS, Belgian Empire, Thursday (NNN) — The Imperial Belgian Regime has concluded the first stage of its revival with the coronation of Herman van Rompuy as Imperator and Father of All Europe.
“I shall bring to you all unbounded prosperity and joy in life,” said Emperor Herman, “in appropriate moderation and with due attention to subclauses (iii)-(v) of section 12 of the third chapter of the memorandum of coronation. We must take care not to go overboard.”
Belgium’s new rise as an imperial power comes after the failure of its early twentieth century African colonial adventures. Later in the last century, the country instead played to its strengths of beer, chocolate and bureaucratic obfuscation, quietly hanging around at the centre of things and making itself useful whilst clogging up all around itself with red tape.
“Imperial Belgium will usher in a new era of brotherhood,” said the Emperor, “with the correct paperwork. The horrors of war will become administratively unfeasible as the Pax Belgia renders the necessary forms and tender documents mysteriously unavailable or unavoidably delayed. Whatever language a citizen speaks, their words will be circumlocutory and obfuscated, facilitating accurate and fidelitous translation into all other tongues with no loss whatsoever of meaning or comprehensibility. The promise of Babel is ours.”
Baroness Catherine Ashton is the British appointee to the position of Chinless Imperial Foreign Minister. Critics claim she has never had a proper job nor a non-appointed political position. However, she points out she was elected by 100% of the twenty-seven voters.
The UK Independence Party continued to call for Britain’s withdrawal from the Empire. “It is beneath the dignity of a Great Power such as Britain to become a new Belgium. We advocate the far preferable fate of becoming the new Albania.”
VEVEY, Suisse, Friday (NNN) — A small bar of dark chocolate a day helps keep stress at bay, say researchers at Nestlé, particularly the stress of chocolate manufacturers looking at sales figures.
Chocolate cuts levels of stress hormones and supplies valuable income that the company can further apply to killing Third World babies and buying its competitors to avoid boycotts.
“We must note that this only applies to Nestlé products,” said scientifically independent research shill Sunil Kochhar. “Cadbury and Lindt are well known to cause pimples, impotence and lard. I hear they make your period worse.”
Workers around the country noted this as a verification of common sense. “If I glare at people each month,” said Brenda Busybody, 45 (IQ), “chocolate magically appears at my desk. Good, that.
“The best chocolates for stress, though, are the ones with liqueur in the middle. The important point with these is that the chocolate shell is entirely optional. The essential good effects can be duplicated with the fine products of Bombay Sapphire and tonic. And a cig or six.
“Hell, I can’t even take out my frustrations on the poor bastard handing out London Lite after today. It’s clear that chocolate, gin and cigarette-based stress reduction is a medical necessity and needs to be employer-supported. Or I’ll tear your head off and shit down your neck.”
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DAS BUNKER, Westminster, Monday — Adolf Hitler has apologised for any “upset” caused by a “clumsily” worded e-mail, comparing his treatment to that of MPs over their expenses.
Mr Hitler, the Chancellor of Germany, made the apology after Roosevelt and Churchill had pointed out that comparing himself to David Wilshire, Tory MP for Spelthorne, was “frankly ludicrous”.
In his email response to subsequent correspondence, which he said had included death threats, Mr Hitler wrote: “The witch-hunt against Nazis in general will undermine democracy. Branding a whole group of people as undesirables led to the horror and carnage of the MP expenses scandal.”
He apologised for “comparing myself to an odious entitled twat like that Wilshire wanker — at least I didn’t pay half my bloody salary to Eva as a ‘researcher,'” but said he felt a bit put out that his hard work for German lebensraum and really good motorways was completely underappreciated. “I could show MPs how to live off bloody rations, mate.”
Mr Hitler was forced to announce last month that he would step down as leader of the Third Reich.
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KARADZIC, Seattle, Tuesday (NNN) — Microsoft has commenced its “Windows 7 Was My Idea” campaign, a series of TV advertisements required of it after its conviction in the International Computer Criminal Court in the Hague for crimes against productivity, office workers and the human brain.
The advertisements feature the software developers and project managers responsible for some of the most famous features of Windows. Many had to be tracked down to jungle lairs in Paraguay, where they were hiding under cover of being mere ex-Nazis.
Particular public favourites include a sixty-second spot of the unnamed developer responsible for the system rebooting by itself after a background update, running random programs off a web page automatically, Windows Genuine Advantage and, especially, that fucking paperclip, being whipped by demons with barbed-wire Apple and Tux logos on chains on a live video feed from Hell while Adolf Hitler curled his lip in disgust and Steve Jobs laughed long and deep in the background.
Further punishments for Microsoft have been delayed as the Linux enthusiasts working on sentencing have yet to agree which distribution to run the hanging software on, and can’t get the FreeBSD and OpenSolaris users to shut up for a tick.
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THE MEMORY HOLE, Wolverhampton South West, Thursday (NNN) — Labour has criticised Tory MEP Daniel Hannan for citing Adolf Hitler in an interview.
Mr Hannan told Randroid magazine that the 1930s German chancellor understood “the importance of a really good motorway.” He later told the BBC he was a “libertarian” on immigration, but was fully on-side with Mr Hitler over the right grade of asphalt and suitably wide turning circles at interchanges. “His expertise in these matters really isn’t appreciated these days.”
The MEP caused controversy two weeks ago when he gave a stirring speech on US television saying that the NHS would lead to “rivers of blood” — prompting Tory leader David Cameron to ask the media to “pay no attention to the silly, silly man behind the curtain” and gently remind Mr Hannan that getting elected next year would be quite nice, thanks.
Mr Hannan also became a hit on the video sharing site YouTube, with a three minute speech in the European Parliament attacking Gordon Brown, that was set to a clip from the movie Downfall and had “Dragostea Din Tei” as backing music.
The Conservatives said Mr Hannan would not be disciplined because his praise for Mr Hitler had not referred to the late politician’s stance on immigration. “He does have some quite eccentric views about some things,” said Mr Cameron. “Ha! Ha! There’s a reason we sent him off to Europe, where he couldn’t do much harm. Daniel, do feel free not to comment in public on anything whatsoever until next June, there’s a good chap.”
GAMESCOM, Ichiyaga Camp, Tuesday (NNGadget) — Sony is releasing the new PlayStation 3 Slim across Europe in early September, in the hope that anyone will remember the PS3 still exists.
The new light-weight version is two-thirds of the size and weight, only requiring a single, much smaller, extra room built onto your house, fitted with 13-amp 405-volt three-phase power. The new, more compact enriched uranium fuel rods are not supplied.
PlayStation chief Kazuo Hirai made the announcement at the GamesCom conference in Cologne, in a move widely seen as an attempt to regain momentum in the battle against rival Microsoft and put off having to ritually disembowel himself with a sword. “Our competition is absolutely the XBox 360. That’s the one to beat! Thank God they didn’t build hardware that worked, we’d have real trouble if they had.”
The PS3 has struggled thanks to its high price and lack of games, not to mention competition from the Nintendo Wii, which, apart from costing half as much, is actually fun. The Sony console did, however, have spectacular launches in Japan and America, with tens of fans queuing through the night to get their hands on the console, particularly with their Sony employee discount. The machines sold at only half the price on eBay soon after.
BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Brussels, Wednesday — Given the choice of thieves and/or liars, neo-Nazis, palaeo-Nazis and plain gibbering nutters, those voters who bothered with the 2009 European Parliament elections rather than staying home to work on their taste for White Lightning have reluctantly and with great pain chosen the Greens as the gibbering nutters of choice, despite the party’s deep suspicion of any technology or medicine more complicated or considered than banging two rocks together. Sustainably-quarried rocks, chiseled in a free-range masonry with high quality state-funded education.
The party maintains that its position on technology, science and medicine has been grossly misrepresented. “The spiritual colon cleansing over MPs’ expenses has been vastly entertaining for all, for example. Furthermore, bombing — I mean, gently encouraging — Westminster back to the Stone Age is a surefire winner for our national ambitions.”
The UK Independence Party accused Eurocrat electoral infiltrators of having “robbed” it of votes in the design of the ballot paper as its voters could not find it on the ballot, being unable to figure out how to unfold the paper. The party will be mounting a legal challenge on the matter as soon as they find consultants able to explain to them how to work pencils.
The remaining Labour voters have demanded legal protection as a minority cult religion, or possibly a diagnosable mental illness.
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EUROTRASH, Antoine de Caunes, Tuesday (NNN) — The great
Scottish British English tennis ace Andy Murray stunned observers with his brilliant moral victory over the Spaniard Chilean Fernando González at the French Open in Roland Garres on Tuesday afternoon, showing these people-who-begin-at-Calais what-for and romping home with one brilliant set to the Chilean’s robotic and soulless three.
“He correctly identified the ‘ball,’ a round object that one apparently hits with a ‘tennis bat’ — or ‘bat de tennis,’ to use the Continental term — over a ‘net,’ at least three times out of every four,” said veteran Telegraph sports commentator Ian Chadband. “With this level of skill on tap, continued and unstoppable British dominance of all known sporting endeavours is absolutely assured.”
The Chilean pretender disgraced himself, his country and the entire Hispanic race with his silly headband, quite ridiculous metrosexual stubble, childish yellow shirt and brutish retreat to mere thuglike physical force and accuracy over the considered, reasoned, subtle planning and brilliance employed by our chap Murray. “His comical hot-blooded Latin fist-shaking whenever he technically ‘won’ a ‘point’ was particularly amusing. One more such victory and they are surely ruined.”
The wily French openly conspired with their South American crony to set up their Open on a primitive artificial clay court, rather than the proper grass field favoured by gentlemen. “Still, educating such backward savages is the white man’s burden and why we have an Empire,” noted Chadband.
“‘Gonzo’! What sort of puffery is a name like that, I ask you? Such foolishness in the noble game of tennis just isn’t cricket.”
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