Chocolate reduces chocolate manufacturers’ stress

VEVEY, Suisse, Friday (NNN) — A small bar of dark chocolate a day helps keep stress at bay, say researchers at Nestlé, particularly the stress of chocolate manufacturers looking at sales figures.

Death by chocolateChocolate cuts levels of stress hormones and supplies valuable income that the company can further apply to killing Third World babies and buying its competitors to avoid boycotts.

“We must note that this only applies to Nestlé products,” said scientifically independent research shill Sunil Kochhar. “Cadbury and Lindt are well known to cause pimples, impotence and lard. I hear they make your period worse.”

Workers around the country noted this as a verification of common sense. “If I glare at people each month,” said Brenda Busybody, 45 (IQ), “chocolate magically appears at my desk. Good, that.

“The best chocolates for stress, though, are the ones with liqueur in the middle. The important point with these is that the chocolate shell is entirely optional. The essential good effects can be duplicated with the fine products of Bombay Sapphire and tonic. And a cig or six.

“Hell, I can’t even take out my frustrations on the poor bastard handing out London Lite after today. It’s clear that chocolate, gin and cigarette-based stress reduction is a medical necessity and needs to be employer-supported. Or I’ll tear your head off and shit down your neck.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

One thought on “Chocolate reduces chocolate manufacturers’ stress”

  1. It is fact that has come out in the latest research carried out by the scientists of Canada that chocolate cuts levels of stress hormones hence cutting out the chances of high blood pressure and strokes. So it has got a medicinal importance as well.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *