ORTHOGON ALLEY, Mammon Managed, Friday (fanfiction.net) — J. K. Rowling is further repackaging the dribbling arse of the Harry Potter series, in evident disbelief of old sayings about blood and stones.

The final film, Harry Potter and the Deathly Lack of Further Books, is being released shortly. Rowling has carefully assembled a package to get free publicity out of the newspapers for the new project, Harry Potter and the Wallet Vampire.

Initial fan predictions for the new project, based on absolutely no actual information whatsoever, included a Potter encyclopedia, an online role-playing game, a “giant theme park”, a dessert wax and a floor topping. “Definitely the floor wax,” said Essex housewife and fan fiction author Luna Hypatia Grainger-Potter (née Tracey Clegg), 43, of Sheppey.

The new series will be created with the assistance of editorially-respected science fiction ghostwriter Kevin J. Anderson, author of The Many-Coloured Dune, Dune Skywalker, Klingons of Dune, Dunentology and Dunanetics, The Dunehiker’s Guide to the Dunacy and Remembrance Of Dunes Past/In Search of Lost Dune.

“Kevin taught me everything,” said Rowling. “Did you know you can outsource the writing bit to India now?”

TIME, Dark side of the moan, Wednesday (N! News) — Both remaining members of Pink Floyd have announced the launch of the “Why Pink Floyd?” reissue campaign, wherein literally every tape containing a detectable grunt or squeak is pressed onto CD, SACD and 5.1-channel DVD-audio.

“This is the last chance for really nice packaging,” said drummer Nick Mason, “because even in 2011, it’s remarkable what you can charge for a physical object rather than a download. Even a FLAC. You could make the complete collection, which of course you’ll be wanting, into a ring of standing stones for the lounge. You’ll have to rebalance your speakers to compensate for the gravitational pull, of course.”

Dark Side Of The Moon will be reissued as a six-disc “Immersion” box set, disinterring the horse and hooking it to the remains of the carriage. A five-disc Wish You Were Here follows, with a seven-disc The Wall disinterring the coachman as well and arranging his bones on the remains of the carriage in a humorous fashion. And yet another best-of to follow.

In going through material for the additional CDs and DVDs, Mason found himself drawn to the tracks that emerged “from the very back of the cupboard,” material that is as far from marketable as possible except that it can just about legitimately be branded “Pink Floyd” and fills out a stupidly bloated box set nicely.

There are no plans for David Gilmour and Roger Waters to work further on music together, although Mason says conversations about money seem to go well.

John Lydon noted that these releases reiterated the essential argument in favour of punk rock much better than any mere words could, while glossing over the five times so far he has repackaged the exact same recordings from Never Mind The Bollocks.