All posts by David Gerard

Media, United Kingdom

Creativity to be promoted on commercial TV

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PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (N! News) — Viewers will have the opportunity “to see more of our finest creative advertising minds at work” under proposals put forward by Ofcom to deal with the drop in television advertising revenue.

Sad toilet in snowThe report notes: “The advertising industry is powerfully adept at producing thirty-second immaculately-constructed visual masterpieces, perfect for the modern on-the-go citizen. We also hope to bring long-form works to the viewer, which they presently must seek out themselves on home shopping channels. We feel this will alleviate the monotony of shows such as The X Factor.”

Broadcasters are currently restricted to showing an average of eight minutes an hour of advertising during peak times, amounting to a maximum of 40 minutes across the five-hour period. The new plan involves eight minutes an hour of programming, amounting to a maximum of 40 minutes across an evening.

“We want to ensure that viewers continue to benefit from a wide range of advertising-funded television services. We feel there is no prospect of this backfiring, as it’s not as if there’s any alternative to television,” said the preliminary report, which is also available on YouTube and BitTorrent.

“Ofcom has taken on board our opinion that any suggestion of ‘regulatory capture’ by the bodies it is meant to set the rules for is piffle,” said Channel Four. “But we understand these moves are controversial, and strongly suggest people call in with their opinion on our 0900 line, at only 95p a minute.”

“Oh dear, what a pity, never mind,” said a BBC spokesman, opening champagne.

Finance, United Kingdom

Smaller institutions seek Treasury assistance

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WALL ALLEY, East Cheam, Tuesday (NNN) — The global financial crisis may require a multi-billion pound injection of public money over coming days. Smaller institutions are now seeking help, such as the First National Bank of East Cheam.

Million pound noteFounded by Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam earlier this month, the bank has put in urgent asset warnings with the Treasury. “Holdings are way down. Our assets are incredibly leveraged. Capital ratio’s buggered. Our, er, co-la-ta-rul-ised debt obligations have us tied in knots. In knots! It’s a tragedy, it is.”

Mr Busybody has urged the Treasury to mount a rescue package immediately for the bank. “If we go under, whoosh! It’d collapse the East Cheam banking sector. All them widows and orphans! You wouldn’t believe it, honestly you wouldn’t. Interbank lending’s collapsed. I can’t get any of ’em to cough up an overnight liquidity loan. Spare us five million quid, mate? Just till tomorrow. I’ll be good for it. With Treasury backing.”

Chancellor Alistair Darling responded to Mr Busybody’s pleas with an offer to send Peter Mandelson around to discuss the matter. “Oh, er, that’s all right then, we’ll be fine, fine. Sorrytotroubleyou I’lljustgonow.”

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Europe, Finance

Pope raps on global financial crisis

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VATICAN RAG, Rome, Monday (NNN) — The global financial crisis is proof that the pursuit of money and success is pointless, Pope Benedict XVI has told the Twelfth Ordinary General Assembly of the Synod of Bishops in Rome.

Pope Flavor Flav XVI“Those who seek success, career or money are building on sand. They should look instead to the Church and build on the solid rock of guilt, sexual repression and jam tomorrow.” Attendees duly placed sand into the collection plate.

“The Church must bring people to a vivid encounter with God,” said the former leader of the Holy Inquisition. “There is no reason to fear that the church and its members will go too far and harm freedom,” he added, leaving everyone feeling thoroughly reassured.

Secular governments, he added, have “no reason to fear” the social teachings and activities of the Church, which “does not aim at power, nor does it expect privileges or aspire to economic or social advantage,” in an inexplicable change from hundreds of years of historical evidence.

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United Kingdom

Police taser terrorist Welsh sheep

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LLANLLUBBER, Carmarthen, Saturday (NNN) — A Welsh separatist sheep, Sparky, has been peaceably brought down with a taser on the A55 by North Welsh police.

The sheep, a member of the Radical Jihadist wing of Plaid Cymru, was attempting a dangerous public demonstration that sheep could work as well in riddles as any chicken.

Punk sheepA police spokesman said: “We received numerous calls reporting a loose ram crossing over both carriageways of the A55 at St Asaph, calling for jihad, causing major disruption and possible danger to motorists. Besides, he had a knife! And child pornography!”

Kate Fowler-Reeves, head of campaigns at Animal Aid, said: “This animal, already a victim of an oppressive farming industry, was treated like a violent criminal. He deserved instead to be treated with some sensitivity and respect, and due process as to the illegal search and seizure of his bomb-making equipment and copy of My First Taliban.”

Richard Brunstrom, chief constable of North Wales Police, said that the 50,000 volt electric stun gun would provide “better and quicker protection to ordinary patrol officers in remote locations, faced with dangerous or violent sheep. I volunteered to be a target for a taser so I could feel the effects of the weapon. My doctor has restricted me to only going back no more than monthly, however.”

Europe, Politics, United Kingdom

Peter Mandelson returns from the undead

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THE TOMBS, Downing Street, Friday (NNN) — Gordon Brown today explained his astonishing decision to bring his bitter rival Peter Mandelson back into the Cabinet as business secretary: “My God, I am so completely fucked, even Mandy looks a good idea.”

Mandelson, Prince of DarknessBaron Mandelson, 679, of Transylvania, smiled for the cameras, only having to reconstitute himself twice when the flashes dissolved him into dust. “I only enter where I am invited,” he said in sepulchral Eurocratic tones. “When I am called upon, I shall return.”

Labour MPs rushed to greet the chief architect of New Labour, many carrying wooden stakes, garlic and crosses.

Mr Mandelson has had a chequered career in office. Previous Cabinet terms have ended with unfortunate resignations due to being beheaded by angry villagers, burnt at the stake, wrapped in chains and thrown to the bottom of the Volga and, in one case, nuked from orbit.

“Serious people are needed for serious times,” said Mr Brown in a monotone, staring glassily into space. “I hear and obey. Am advised.”

David Cameron was unavailable for comment, with only the sound of cackling glee and champagne corks audible on the line.

Politics, United Kingdom

Boris opens design competition for “Robo-Commissioner”

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CHAP CENTRAL, Southbank, Friday (NNN) — After firing Metropolitan Police commissioner Sir Ian Blair, London mayor Boris Johnson has announced a public competition to design an iconic robot replacement.

Robo-Boris“The classic London bobby was a tourist landmark,” said Mr Johnson. “We need something that will really sum up London, that will really look the part of the new ’Ello-’Ello-’Ellomaster.”

Johnson’s dismissal of Blair has been condemned from all quarters, with senior constables across the country refusing the job as too prone to political interference.

“Well, we had to get rid of that Blair fellow. Political disaster, don’t you know. Horribly prone to bumbling and gaffes. Well, that’s all over! We have the plans, we have the committee, we have Dom Grieve and the party chaps on side. We can bind law and order and short-term politics to work together seamlessly for the good of all. Gentlemen, I present: Robo-Tory!”

Sir Ian said he looked forward to a planned new position in the Home Office and possibly a seat in the House of Lords. “Anything, really, as long as I get at least one chance to call Boris onto the carpet. Mmm, yes.”

“Yet again Boris has made a complete hash of things,” said Ken Livingstone, though no-one asked him.

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Health, United Kingdom

Cigarette packets to feature pictures of Keith Richards and Amy Winehouse

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OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Whitehall, Thursday (NNN) — In a bid to “scare smokers straight,” cigarette packets will warn of the terrible consequences of smoking by featuring pictures of famous long-term cigarette addicts, such as the blackened teeth, rotting lungs, ashtray odour and star quality of such sad and benighted specimens as Keith Richards, Lemmy, Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty.

Naomi Campbell smokingSir Liam Donaldson of the Department of Health said, “We are confident that fear and loathing at the thought of looking like a rock star will ignite the flame of God’s holy light in the heart of the vile, skulking, heathen nicotinist and inspire him to stand proud and tall against the demon weed. Moral purity is more than enough to overcome a trivial chemical dependence on a substance more addictive than heroin.”

Packets previously featured textual warnings such as “SMOKING SHRINKS YOUR COCK”, “SMOKING: YOU LOOK LIKE AN OFFICE WORKER” and “SMOKING: HURRY UP AND DIE, YOU STINKY TWAT.” However, a thriving trade in packets commenced where single men would look for “SMOKING HARMS YOUR BABY” and misanthropes would look for “SMOKING HARMS OTHERS AROUND YOU.”

“THIS IS THE NANNY STATE AT WORK,” said Simon Clark of smoker’s rights group We’re Not A Front For British-American Tobacco Honest through the electronic voice box that had replaced his larynx. “NEXT WILL BE ID CARDS FOR SMOKERS AND CCTV CAMERAS IN CIGARETTE PACKETS. IT’S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD. WHAT WOULD GEORGE THE SIXTH SAY. LORD LOVE A DUCK. EXTERMINATE.”

“This should be at least as effective as the pictures of the teenage boy in the anti-heroin ads in the eighties,” said Sir Liam. “The one with the cheekbones, who all the girls liked … Kids, just say no to drugs!”

Entertainment, United Kingdom

Taliban shoots at Ant & Dec, misses

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PHONING IT IN, Helmand, Monday (N! News) — Television novelty gnomes Ant and Dec have survived a Taliban rocket attack at Kandahar airfield in Afghanistan.

Ant & Dec in Afghanistan“They were shouting something in Afghan,” said Declan Ant, “about a phone bill from calling into a show. No idea what they were talking about.”

The duo had been sent to cheer up the troops, the government having considered them just the tonic for soldiers who had been through a series of violent, confusing and emotionally-shattering ordeals. “I thought it odd that some of the Taliban attackers were wearing England football shirts and shouting Arabic phrases that — and this is really funny — sounded like ‘Fook off you Geordie wankers.’ Amazing coincidence.”

Their agent is currently taking offers not to make a celebrity sex tape available. Verne Troyer has already threatened to sue for trademark infringement. The lines are open right now at £1.50 a minute.

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Finance, Health, United Kingdom

Organ donation hallmark of a “caring City”

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SOYLENT GREY, London EC1, Monday (NNN) — The Organ Donation Taskforce has delivered its report to the Department of Health, recommending presumed consent and an opt-out system for organ donations, particularly from surplus bankers.

The “Banks for Banks” initiative was launched with tremendous fanfare today as a group of newly-redundant Lehman Brothers employees proceeded to tear their bosses limb from limb. The ice for the champagne proved adequate to the task of preserving the bodily parts until they could be taken to a hospital and scanned for sexually transmissible infections, cocaine-induced septicaemia and mad cow disease.

Alistair Darling OM NOM NOMTransplant surgeons have long lamented the non-opening windows at Canary Wharf, which would have tremendously helped the nation’s organ banks as well as the post-collapse job market.

Secretary of State for Health Alan Johnson praised the tremendous progress Department of Health researchers had made in reprocessing City bankers into something actually useful to humanity. “London will never again want for speed humps, shooting targets or anus transplants.”

A law will be passed that City traders who opt out from the European Working Time Directive will be presumed to have consented to being rendered down. “After a few weeks of that you’re the walking dead anyway.”

Chancellor Alistair Darling promised to safeguard the jobs of 1,500 Bradford & Bingley mortgage staff for six months after the nationalisation of the bank’s lending business, at which point almost all of them started arranging to emigrate.

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Health, Politics, United Kingdom

Brown distracts with Internet child safety watchdog

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SECURITY EIGHTPLEX, Whitehall Odeon, Monday (NNN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown has hailed the launch of the UK Council for Child Internet Safety as a “path-breaking” new diversion designed to protect the most vulnerable members of society: “The politicians.”

He said, “The internet provides a world of entertainment, of opportunity and knowledge, but, most importantly, distraction. We must put in place the press campaign we need to appear to be keeping our children safe online. Scientists have proven that paedophilia did not exist before the Internet, and was invented by Gary Glitter as the result of a ‘Rule 34’ jest.”

Archbishop PedobearThe Council was formed based on recommendations from television psychologist Dr Tanya Byron’s report Gi’s A Consultancy Go On Gi’s It. It will police the web, take down harmful sites — since all web servers are under UK jurisdiction — and monitor the Wikipedia entries of Government ministers. UK-based web hosts will be made an offer they cannot refuse to sign up to a voluntary code of conduct. Reports of hosting providers in other countries gleefully rubbing their hands together are unconfirmed.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said the Home Office would do everything it could to present the appearance of effectiveness. “This is not mere ‘security theatre.’ We are aiming for ‘security 3-D movies with fantastic CGI special effects.’ And a ‘security Punch and Judy show’ for the little ones. We can prevent bullying! And people being rude in chat rooms! And bum jokes! Our consultants, EDS Capita Goatse, have made us a most reasonable offer to take on this work, and only charged us £500,000 so far for thinking about the matter.”

Dr Byron welcomed the prompt creation of the Council. “The UK is a world leader on internet safety for children, and I look forward to collecting a truly spectacular ongoing income stream.”

The Prime Minister will be kept directly informed of the Council’s progress, using the same technology that provides Internet petitions to his office. He further promises to pay every bit as much attention.