All posts by David Gerard

Entertainment, United States

New Wu-Tang Clan album available only as no copies at all

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JOHN CAGE MATCH, Praxis, Wednesday (NTN) — The Wu-Tang Clan has announced the nonrelease of their new album Once Upon a Time in Shaolin, to be made available in an edition of no copies.

Wu-Tang Clan balloon“Music is a commodity these days and we want it treated as art,” said RZA. “The LP record you listened to reverently at home gave way to the portable cassette and CD, and now the copiable and disposable MP3. But the rarer the art, the better. So we’re making the album available as no copies whatsoever. It’s artier that way.”

MODAL LOGIC PROVES THE EXISTENCE OF ONCE UPON A TIME IN SHAOLIN

(I) The existence of a perfect Wu-Tang album does not necessarily entail the existence of gratuitous suffering.
(II) If a perfect Wu-Tang album is possible, then said perfect album necessarily exists (given axiom S5 of modal logic).
(III) The perfect Wu-Tang album is possible. (This is a logical consequence of (I).)
(IV) The perfect Wu-Tang album necessarily exists (modus ponens on (II) and (III).
(V) Therefore, the apparently-nonexistent album does in fact exist, and you should pay real money for it.

The album will be unavailable as a double blank CD-R, though the band is considering refusing to offer it on blank LP and blank cassette as well. An MP3 of silence will also be withheld, as will an Apple Lossless download of silence from iTunes. The first video, “ ”, is not up on YouTube and Vimeo in the form of four minutes’ silence and a blank screen.

The album failed to be recorded at home by the band over the past several years. “Art only suffers from excessive physical realisation. In fact, the more physical realisation, the further the art falls from the perfection of the conception. So what we did was stay home in bed and think really hard about what the record should sound like. Frankly, it’s amazing. Well, we think it would be.”

The band hopes to get five meeellion dollarsss for this conceptual work. “We firmly believe that art — art! — should not suffer the petty, tawdry, bourgeois constraints of genre, media gatekeepers, critics, quality or existence. But the absolutely key point — which we’re completely clear on — is that it should be paid for with actual money.”

Technology, United States

Mozilla announces Javascript For Heterosexuals

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BAY WARD, San Francisco, Tuesday (NTN-Combinator) — Mozilla announced on Tuesday the new scripting language for Firefox: Javascript For Heterosexuals.

Overly Manly Man with keyboardJavascript For Heterosexuals, created by incoming CEO Brendan Eich, is a static, rigidly typed, prototype-based language with first-class functions, and second-class ones.

Javascript For Heterosexuals will be restricted to users in committed heterosexual relationships with at least four children, to make sure they really mean it and aren’t just claiming the “heterosexual” label as some sort of “lifestyle” choice reverse-discrimination benefits scam.

Some intolerant insufficiently-heterosexual people have objected to this use restriction. Fortunately, Hacker News posters promptly brought people’s attention to what a huge social problem heterophobia is, and labeled these people the Nazis they are. “God created ‘GET’ and ‘POST’, not ‘GET’ and ‘STEVE’!”

“Just because I have worked for insufficiently-heterosexual people not to have basic rights does not mean I think they don’t deserve basic rights,” Eich posted today. “If my views are implemented, insufficiently-heterosexual people will be treated as less than fully human — but this in no way means that my past behavior predicts my future behavior. Or that my subordinates or company partners should worry about this. I’d like people to try to understand me better.”

“We assure you that all the insufficiently-heterosexual employees at Mozilla firmly support Brendan,” the company said in a posting today, “or at least the ones who felt comfortable to speak up. Equating a company with its CEO is ridiculous. It’s not like the CEO is everyone’s boss with tremendous control over every employee’s future and the company’s future public actions.” The company followed up with a post reassuring the community that it wouldn’t actively try to break Californian employment laws.

“I have no concerns whatsoever about Javascript For Heterosexuals,” said an insufficiently-heterosexual Mozilla employee who declined to be named for this story. “There are times when you need to set aside the disagreement and commit to working together in service of the shared goal, and anyway Wikimedia doesn’t pay nearly as well.”

Other commenters have asked that you leave Brendan alone. “The great thing about creating Javascript is that whatever other terrible things you do in your life seem trivial by comparison.”

Technology

Spring clean: Google Search now part of Google Plus

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MONOLITH VIEW, Silicone Valley, Thursday (NTN) — We’re in a new world of computing. You need “personal”, “social” and “on the go”. So “search” will “join the social” on Google Plus.

Tiananmen Google Tank ManWe know Search has a devoted following who will be very sad to see it go. We’re sad too. There are two simple reasons for this: usage of Google Plus Search has declined, and as a company we’re pouring all of our energy into fewer products. We think that kind of focus will make for a better — and more sociable — user experience.

It’s been a long time since we’ve had this rate of change — it probably hasn’t happened since the birth of social media in July 2011, with our superior social media platform, Google Plus. So today we’re officially folding a number of other products into Google Plus:

  • YouTube will become Google Plus Video. Your YouTube will be just the same, you’ll just need a username you have government ID for. Don’t worry — you can trust us with it.
  • Google Maps API will become Google Plus Maps. You’ll need to add your house, your workplace, your favourite retail experiences and your credit card number to your “circles”, then you can look up any place you want. You can opt out to Apple Maps any time you like.
  • Google Docs got absorbed by Google Drive, which will become Google SUM(). Imagine the “social” of your spreadsheets being rated by all your friends! Once again, users who opt out are free to revel in the joys of Office 365.
  • Google Voice App for BlackBerry will be discontinued once we’ve found both remaining BlackBerry users and notified them.
  • Orkut, of course, is being kept.

We know you’ll be delighted with the Google Plus experience, with hundreds of millions of people every month delighted to be using Google Plus! Or products that require a profile on it. It’s like Facebook without all the annoying people on it. Or any people. But the people on it love it with huge enthusiasm, just like the ones who loved Google Buzz before we shot that through the head too. Come onto Plus, or Vic will cry. You don’t want to see Vic crying, do you? Asshole. You probably hurt puppies, too.

To ensure a smooth transition, we’re providing a three-month sunset period so you have sufficient time to find an alternate web-searching solution. Good luck on that one. Because, and you know it in your heart, Google Plus as a search engine still sucks less than Bing.

Religion, United Kingdom

Archbishop: “Christmas is all about the bumsex”

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THE RECTORY, Arsenal, Christmas (NTN) — The Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols, has spent Midnight Mass, the second most important service of the year, talking about bumsex, bumsex and bumsex.

Gay Pope Benedict“Marriage between men and women shares in the creative love of God. Everything else is bumsex. Bumsex! Bumsex! Whatever you do, don’t think about bumsex.

“Also, gays are just icky. Possibly as icky as girls, we haven’t worked that one out yet. Perhaps bumsex …”

The Archbishop spoke at length about marriage and procreation, in his capacity as a lifelong celibate. “You can’t have children with bumsex. Apparently you can’t have that the other way around, either … Really? Are you sure about that one?”

He fiercely criticised the government’s plans to act according to all three parties’ manifestos. “Orwell gays mandate Stalin JACKBOOTS democracy HITLER HITLER HITLER. Who was definitely an atheist and not at all Catholic. Bumsex.”

Sang the carolers outside, “Weeeee wish you a merry bumsex/ We wish you a merry bumsex/ We wish you a merry bumsex/ And a happy new arse.”

Defence, United States

Murdered children necessary to protect your freedom

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NEWTOWN, Connecticut, Sunday (NTN) — Responsible gun owners have to fight back against the atheist liberal Obamunist Euro-weenie homosexuals who think murdered leftist children in any way justify taking away our guns, the fountain of our liberty.

Hello Kitty AR15The Community-Organizer-In-Chief wants to take your guns, yes, yours, so he can finally bring his black jackboot down upon us all and enslave us, forcing us into health insurance and penury. Why isn’t he demanding gun control in Libya, huh?

The teachers in that school were heroes, and not just union-loving parasites like we said last week. They just needed guns. Us keeping all our guns and some more is what they would have wanted.

You unAmerican socialist subjects just don’t understand freedom. The second amendment was inspired directly by Jesus Christ. “Those who live by the sword shall survive by the sword.” The Lord’s words supersede all arguments and all statistics. Jesus said it, I believe it, and I’ll kill anyone who says different.

The most important thing is that everything else — mental illness, video games, no religion in schools, tax-funded abortion pills, goths — was behind all this, and not lots of people having lots and lots of guns.

Guns don’t kill people. Usually it’s blood loss, and some destroyed organs.

Politics, Religion, United States

Chuck Norris facts, updated

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  • Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked gay marriage, and fell flat on his ass.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He’s worrying about gay marriage.
  • Chuck Norris’ tears cure gay marriage. Too bad for him he never cries.
  • There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only the quivering fear of gay marriage.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t do pushups — he might accidentally get gay-married.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to sleep every night, he would check his closet for gay marriage, if he had a closet.
  • Chuck Norris does not go opposing gay marriage, because the word “opposing” implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris already failed to stop gay marriage.
  • Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil to stop gay marriage. When the deal had been done, the devil gay-married him.
  • If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. Tell him how fabulous gay marriage is.
Technology, United Kingdom

Google opens first retail store

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COURT ROAD, Tottenham, Friday (NTN) — Internet advertising agency Google is opening its first retail store, selling the Internet-only Chromebook.

Google Sauron“We’ve put a lot of effort into making it feel welcoming, homely and, dare I say it, ‘Googley’,” said Arvind Desikan, head of consumer marketing. The revolutionary shopping experience leverages Google’s famous abilities in customer service, having no staff. Customers seeking advice on a product can simply log in with their Google account to the in-store forum, where they and other customers can assist each other.

“People will be able to go in and have a play with the devices, so they can get a feel for what it’s about and we can monitor their reaction.” Persons seeking entry to the store must give their bank account name and glue an RFID tag to their forehead, so as to create a suitably decorous shopping environment, “just like in real life.” Should they be discovered to be using a name the Google Identity algorithm considers unlikely, they will be ejected mid-purchase and their GMail and Android phone disabled, for their comfort and convenience.

The store is in Tottenham Court Road, occupying a corner of the Church of Scientology, so as to select for the valuable demographic of people who want shiny things and are willing to pay a hundred quid more than they would for an ordinary netbook that does more. A second store will be opened in Lakeside for customers of similar discernment.

The Google store still anticipates more customers than the Microsoft stores. Rumours of the purchase of a Windows 7 phone somewhere in Britain are as yet unconfirmed, despite investigations by sceptics’ organisations.

Technology, United States

Bing Minus to “cut off Facebook’s air supply”

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YESLER WAY, Seattle, Saturday (MSBBC) — Microsoft today stealth-released its new social network, Bing Minus, automatically adding every person in the world still using Internet Explorer, such as your mother.

Steve Ballmer overjoyed at Microsoft’s quarterly resultsThe Bing Minus software was distributed Friday morning in an automatic urgent mandatory critical Windows security update. It will also be available on Windows Phone 7 and BlackBerry.

“Social networking is the new primary focus Microsoft is betting the business on,” said CEO Steve Ballmer, defining “the business” as “my job.” “It’s already banned in China!” he proudly declared, although Chinese contacts deny this. Productivity has also increased in offices containing Bing Minus users.

Bloggers and tweeters are already swapping tips on how not to obtain Bing Minus invitations every time you click on anything whatsoever in IE or Windows itself.

“Facebook is definitely quaking in its boots. Who are users going to want to give all their information to, Facebook or Microsoft? I think the choice is obvious.”

Ballmer looks forward to a bright future for Bing Minus. “Whatever happens,” he said, “it’s going to suck less than Buzz.”

Technology, United States

Authorities definitely closing in on LulzSec

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DRAMATICA, Wackyleeks, Wednesday (textfiles.com) — The noose is tightening on LulzSec, oh yes it is, with a red-handed capture nearly almost imminent, said FBI Media Liaison today, and don’t you worry about that.

u r doin it rongThe drug-running terrorist paedophile probably-Chinese-government members of LulzSec have used their horrifying and “l33t” “Internet Relay Chat” skills (or “sk1llz0r,” as “hackers” call them) to break into some of the most complicatedly protected computery gadget devices on the Inter-web-thingy, particularly the ones running Microsoft Windows. Just like your computer does!!

“Fortunately,” fed an off-the-record FBI source, “we have tracked down these dastardly fiends to their festering basement lairs, where they sit all day exchanging BitCoins via their ‘four-channel’ systems. Our agents are poised right now to swoop, swoop! upon these avatars of delinquency! Multiple US agencies are involved. They might be right outside!”

Authorities worry the “hackers” will get wind of the raids and scatter and burn the evidence. Repeat, the authorities don’t want the group to scatter and burn the evidence. Just so that’s clear with everyone.

LulzSec was formed by a group of Scientologists interested in Guy Fawkes. The group is named after “lulls,” which is when the four-channel system goes quiet, and “sex,” the availability of which would cause the group’s immediate collapse.

Media, United Kingdom

Guardian falls to “BeautifulPeople” virus

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PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (N! News) — They were built for the publication of “actual news content,” where editors ruthlessly excluded churnalised press releases. But today a brain virus attacked and a hideous wave of bollocks flooded newspapers already losing a fortune.

Lolo Ferrari’s somewhat disturbing First Life avatarThe virus was quickly named “BeautifulPeople.com” — after the website about how newsworthiness should not matter — as it attacked the mental software used to screen transparent bullshit, appearing to utterly disable it beyond recovery.

Alan Rusbridger, editor of The Guardian, claimed the virus had also overrun the BBC, the Telegraph and the Daily Mail, though it was difficult to tell in the latter case. He blamed it on “a disgruntled former journalist” who had decided to leave for twice the pay and considerably greater job security.

The virus claims to have set up a helpline with counsellors on hand to help PR minions distressed by their rejection from the press.

“We have to stick to our founding principles of only accepting actual news — that’s what our readers have paid for. We got suspicious when tens of thousands of new stories were printed and fell prey to Ben Goldacre in the first week,” Rusbridger told the pigeons in the park he was ranting at. “Spare change for a meal, guv? Haven’t had a glass of Bolly in three days.”

When the Guardian is finally merged with Metro, Rusbridger plans to found a dating site for unemployed journalists, despite the dangers to the gene pool.