THE SEVENTH PERFORMING SEAL, London SW1A 0AA, Tuesday (NTN) — The Queen has booked eighties revival alternative comedy act Dave Cameron to entertain the populace with nostalgia for yesteryear, with special guest Nick Clegg as slapstick fall guy.

“Torygeddon Lite” opens tomorrow at 10 Downing Street, bringing you an authentic cheap imitation of those wonderful days of the 1980s that made Britain what it is today:

• A general atmosphere of doom and futility producing SLIGHTLY BETTER punk rock, though without the promise of flaming nuclear death at any moment. “Obama just isn’t up for that sort of thing, though we’ll see what Mrs Palin can do.”
• SOMEWHAT ANNOYED MINERS, now working in call centres, doing protest reenactments for old times’ sake.
• ECONOMIC OBLIVION for the unemployed as, er, things continue as they already were.
• Use of the ROYAL WE when talking to Her Majesty. “That’s me and Gideon. I mean, Nick!” (canned laughter)
• The STYLE COUNCIL to reform.
• BAD VEGETARIAN FOOD and AWFUL SANDALS courtesy Nick and his wacky cohort of friends.
• OIL has just been discovered in the Falklands. “Muwaaahahahaha.”

“We’re making Paddy Ashdown defence secretary, so he can just go over and beat the living fuck out of the Taliban personally. I’ve also promised Nick I’ll proportionally represent him in the morning, and not just first-past-the-post, roll over and fall asleep.

“Furthermore, we absolutely promise to discontinue the previous act’s ID card infrastructure and Digital Economy Act,” said Mr Cameron, “just as soon as they’re no longer convenient to us. Cross my heart and call a commission of inquiry.”

CHANNEL 4, Bravo To Zero, Thursday (NTN) — On this momentous day for British democracy, the prey of the nation have flocked to the slaughter pens in record numbers to do their bit to make sure the wrong lizards are put into power over them.

“The new lizards are evil and malignant oppressors,” said prey Deadmeat Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “They tried to have us all rounded up and tagged! Well. We’ve put paid to them. The old lizards are due their place in the sun, and we’ll be very happy to have them back.”

“But you can’t trust the old lizards,” said prey Porkpie Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “I remember when they were in last time. They didn’t number us, they just slaughtered us wholesale not even keeping count! The current lizards are the only safe choice. Look at how green the fields have been the last decade!”

“There’s a third way,” said prey Butternutandpolentagnocchialforno Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “If enough of the prey get together, we can make sure the lizards change the rules on picking the next lizards so that the lizards the prey really want eating them get in. The lizards will have to work together on which prey they eat! The best of all possible lizards in all possible worlds.”

“Yer all wrong, we need to kick the for’n prey out,” said prey Fathitler Busybody, 77 (IQ), of Barking. “I’m a lizard, see? Not prey. I got a green hat wiv scales an’ a pointy tongue. I’ll jus’ put it in. I’m a lithard! Lithard! We goth th’ betht prey! Bether than th’ Euroth! Lithard!”

THE MEMORY HOLE, Soho, Wednesday (Ponk News) — Controversial Conservative PPC Philippa Stroud has emphasised her belief in equality for the demons inside gay people. “Those demons are natural Tories and the backbone of our party.”

“In our Big Society™,” said David Cameron, “the rights of hellish unholy ghouls will be respected just as if they’re not ghastly abominations out to suck your soul out, destroy your mind with eldritch horror and sell you double-glazing and loan repayment insurance.”

Mrs Stroud pointed to her religious writings on the subject. “It is vital to a fair electoral system that there be votes not only for people, but for their most horrifying nightmares. We pray the demons out of these hom-o-sexuals, so that they may attend their nearest polling station tomorrow and cast their crucifix for the party of hopes, dreams and ambitions. The demons’, anyway.”

Mr Cameron will be staying up for thirty-six hours straight working up to and through the election. “I’ll sustain myself on the souls of unbaptised infants. Perfectly safe and legal, at least since the deregulation in the eighties.” Technicians will be on hand at all times in case of wiring failure or software glitches.

“We’re particularly hoping to get the tortured shade of Stephen Milligan back into the cabinet,” said Mrs Stroud. “Just don’t mention the tangerines.”

Phillippa Stroud will be working for the coming Tory government as a 100% sure-fire cure for heterosexuality.

THE MEMORY HOLE, Wild Wild North, Wednesday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown was caught telling the truth in public today, in a horrifying breach of electoral etiquette that could shake people’s faith in politicians to the core.

The disgusting incident occurred while knocking on doors in Goosestep-on-the-Green, Rochdale, as, after speaking to Hausführer Eva McBraun, 77 (IQ), about her collection of World War II memorabilia and her rottweiler Zyklon, he let slip to his assistant that she was “perhaps not entirely one hundred percent on-message with this whole ‘multicultural’ thing.”

The media was universally appalled on everyone’s behalf, as front pages were filled with “BROWN IN NAZI SLUR ON BRITAIN SHOCK” and the BBC played a loop of the incident on repeat, zooming in on the stomach-churning sight of Mr Brown letting slip with a facial expression. The Sun has offered Mrs McBraun £50,000 for a Page 3 shoot and opinion column.

“I have offered my sincere apologies to Mrs McBraun,” said Mr Brown this afternoon, “and have said that I am very sorry she is such a bigoted arsehole. Furthermore, I apologise to the British people for having shown signs of morals, ethics and a human reaction to racist fuckwittery, and would probably rather these nascent BNP cadres vote for us rather than someone else, even if I’m a bit nauseated to be associated with them even that much. I will be consulting with His Royal Highness Prince Philip on public relations techniques.”

“People might think he was some sort of socialist,” said concerned psychopathologist David Cameron, “with unsustainable notions of ‘fairness’ and ‘welfare’ and not having all the immigrants taken out and shot as Britain needs in these interesting times. Not that that’s racist.”

Nick Clegg spoke of the Liberal Democrats’ strong support for social equality and proportional representation for all lifeforms, human, plant, bacterium or even Tory, as people admired his choice of tie for going on telly with.

“I’m never voting Labour again,” said Mrs McBraun, “not that I ever did before. Although that Mr Mandelson is a fine fellow. Immaculately groomed. Very well turned out. And those nice young men he associates with. The way he dances on skulls is most head-turning.”