Times prepares to shake off parasites

DAS BUNKER, Whopping, Tuesday (Mediocre Grauniad) — The Times has previewed its new paywall system, to keep readers, search engines and other criminals from using it to download cars, to the sound of champagne corks popping at the Guardian, Telegraph and BBC.

Rupert Murdoch as GollumThe newspaper will now require payment of £1 a day for its unique and high-quality editorial viewpoints, as taken from the Sun and rewritten in big words. The site also blocks anyone under 18 from registering, in order to keep the paper’s quality demographic aging nicely.

“I firmly support this move,” said everyday citizen on the street and certainly not Guardian editor at all Alan Rusbridger. “In fact, it should be ten pounds a day. Ten pounds a story. Then people will really see it as high-quality merchandise and not rewritten press releases and news feeds with Mr Murdoch dictating the editorial page.”

“It’s ours,” said James Murdoch, frothing slightly. “You thieving bastards steal our copyright every time you save a copy into your heads! Well, we’ll fix your little wagon. It’s a pound a day plus a pound a copy behind your eyes plus a pound a copy you talk about with anyone else plus a pound a copy just fucking because. It’s for me and Dad and you can just fuck off. And when we buy the BBC we won’t let you watch that either. Arseholes.”

“OK, the champagne is Thunderbird Sparkling,” said Mr Rusbridger. “Times are tough, you know. But I have complete faith we’re on the right path and the Times is doomed. I told ’em, I told ’em. Spare fiddy pee for a Polly Toynbee column? God bless you, sir!”

“I am one hundred percent behind paying for quality journalism,” said free culture activist Hiram Nerdboy, 17. “That’s why I just gave fifty quid to Wikileaks.”

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