‘Technology’ Archives
Apple launches iPad for that time of iMonth
ST STEVE'S BASILICA, Cupertino, Wednesday (NTN) — Cult leader Steve Jobs has announced the iPad, a "revolutionary" advance in stylish personal hygiene with elegant design. The iPad has a 9.7in full-colour touchpad and wings. According to the box, you can watch movies, surf the internet, listen to music, view photos, read electronic books [...]
Britain’s first iPhone baby is born
TEMPLE OF STEVE, Click My Button, Monday (NTN) — A woman who was considering IVF treatment has given birth to a baby girl after using an iPhone application to become pregnant. "Yes, there's an app for that too. We're calling her Steve." After four years, Lena Bryce and her husband Dudley had nearly given up hope of having children, until [...]
Successor to MP3 does less, worse, at higher price
KOMPUTERWELT, Trans Europe Excess, Monday (NTN) — Karlheinz Brandenburg, the 1990 inventor of MP3, has come up with its successor format, MusicDNA, which is the same except it doesn't work because of DRM. The MusicDNA format will see not just songs, but lyrics, video, artwork, weblogs and a whacking pile of DRM in all your music. "Not [...]
Txt msgs hlp imprv chldrns rdng ablty
METRO RESEARCH DEPARTMENT, Carphone Whorehouse Beacon Academy (NTN) — Sending text messages and using txt-spk abbreviations can indicate successful development of reading and writing ability, a stdy hs rvld. The study, crried out on a group of 8-12 year-olds over an academic yr, found that older children usd more txtspk. Phonological [...]
Microsoft claims nonexistence of Google “GSpot”
ADULT AREAS ONLY, Vegas Baby, Friday (AnythingThatMovesTechnica) — The perfect Google experience is a myth, say Microsoft marketing researchers at the Consumer Electronics Show. "The GSpot is a figment of technologists' imaginations," said marketing researcher Andrew Burri, "encouraged by tech news sites and freetards. Even if it did [...]
Google Nexus One failed to revive my dead grandmother
TEMPLE OF STEVE, Regent Street, Friday (MSBBC) — If you thought the Google Nexus One phone would do your homework, get your girlfriend back onside and fellate you, I'm afraid you're in for unexpected disappointment. The Nexus One is Android-powered, does browse the web very nicely and support most feasible applications and is an open [...]
Special trains introduced for the wrong type of snow
WE APOLGRPHVM FOR THE DELGHRMFPH, Stopping at Land's End, Tuesday (NTN) — National Rail has announced new trains specially designed for the possibility of "weather" being warned of by the climate change deniers of the Met Office. Should the new TGB (Train à Grand Bureaucratie) detect the right type of snow under the wheels, it [...]
The astounding world of the future! Tech predictions for 2010
Having nothing to actually report, we asked NewsTechnica's editorial team to reach deep into their crystal balls to fill space blathering about the year ahead. What they found will shock and appall you. The holographic DVD gives you 2000-line super-high-definition images and seventeen hours of video, or eight Libraries of Congress, on each [...]
Vendors: Netbooks “dying, honest”
DAS BUNKER, Redmond, Friday (MSBBC) — Cheap netbooks are too limited and no-one will want them any more, say high-ticket vendors at the mere 103% increase in netbook sales in 2009 over 2008. The small, portable computers sold in stupendous numbers in 2009, but industry watchers have been convinced by Microsoft and Intel to say that their [...]
Twitter users urged to stay calm during Fry drought
DAILY SMSGRAPH, King's Lynn, Saturday (NTN) — The international press has urged Twitter users to "keep calm and carry on" during Stephen Fry's break from the service to write his autobiography. The 52-year-old author, television presenter, wit, bon vivant, cheese board, Swiss army knife, well-stocked cellar and ineffable genius's break [...]
