WASILLA HIGH SCHOOL, Alaiskah, Friday (NNN) — Governor Sarah Palin has condemned McCain staffers as “unprofessional jerks and big meanies” for spreading nasty stories through their cliquey cronies at Fox News and dumping pig’s blood on her head at the GOP Prom.

“They said I di’n’t know where Africa was!” said Mrs Palin. “And that I blew the kegger budget on my new dress! They’re just jealous of my popularity as Homecoming Queen. Look at First Dude in a suit! Isn’t he just dreamy? They just wish they had all the guys falling at their feet. I’m the beauty queen here and you’re not. I had forty-five percent of the country wanting me!”

“You know how Mr McCain said ‘Leave Sarah Palin alone’?” said an anonymous McCain staffer. “Well, he was lying. He was just setting her up for humiliation. Because she deserves it. Bitch.”

“You jerky bitchy meanies!” shouted Palin. “I’ll tell Senator McCain on you! And your bitch meany jerky stuff! See if I don’t! I’ll run in Ted Stevens’ seat and you’ll never kick me out! So there!”

Exasperated, Professor Obama threatened to hold the entire Republican Party back for detention until 2016.

BOOTH OF DESPAIR, Ohio, Tuesday (NNN) — Americans today committed egregious acts of democracy to elect the next failed administration and the next failed Congress.

In a fabulous upset, almost no-one could bring themselves to vote directly for either of the official candidates, instead opting for a write-in vote. Popular write-ins included “the black guy”, “the old guy”, “McCain from 2000” and “Tina Fey.” The seventeen votes for “The Invisible Man” were tallied for Joe Biden. Several tons of Liquid Paper needed to be scraped off voting machines.

The winning candidate turned out to be Noneof Theabove, 46, of Dogshit, Nebraska. Apart from the Presidency, Mr Theabove won 72% of Congressional seats and all Senate seats up for election this year.

Mr Theabove’s policies include drinking, shouting abuse at the television and inchoate existential despair. “He completely embodies the national mood,” said Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight.com, just before applying for a new job flipping burgers.

A majority of US soldiers in Afghanistan stated the place was “just fine, really” and they were learning to speak Pashto rather than returning. Canada looked south and snickered, though not very much as they still had Stephen Harper to cope with. The Kingdom of Mexico stated its “regret” today that it has had to close its borders to American refugees.

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Federal agents have broken up an incredibly stupid plot by two neo-Nazi idiots to assassinate Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama and shoot or decapitate 102 black people, the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, Explosives, Tequila, Other Cool Shit That Goes “BANG” And Other Great Ideas That Go Together Really Well said Monday.

The morons, Daniel Cowart, 20, and Paul Schlesselman, 18, had planned to rob a gun store (“a black-run store should be a pushover for superior white people,” one of them had written on the White Nationalist Wiki) and target a predominantly African-American high school in a murder spree that was to begin in Tennessee. They had planned to shoot 88 black people (“88” standing for “Hey, Hussein!”) and decapitate another 14 (from the 14-word phrase “we must secure the existence of drooling subnormals and a future for white slackjaws”).

The incompetents were caught when driving around loudly discussing a White Power murder plot, their car sporting a swastika in window chalk and other race hate symbols, this striking them as a good way to avoid the attention of the authorities. And a MySpace page loaded with pictures of guns.

The dumbasses had been hampered in their plans by having been out of work for three months, having been targeted by the Jewish financial conspiracy.

In a statement today, Mr Obama said that his leadership of the Zionist Occupation Government of the Judaic North American Territories would ensure a better future for all Americans, except mouth-breathing white supremacists with family trees resembling briar bushes.

LYNCHBURG, Pennsylvania, Friday (NNN) — A Republican campaign volunteer in Pittsburgh was mugged on Wednesday by a 6’4″ black man after he saw her “McCain” bumper sticker. The attacker carved a backward ‘B’ on her face and gave her a black eye made of mascara.

“A giant scary Negro left-handed oddly dexterous and precise dyslexic mugger!” said Ashley Todd, 20. “He was shouting angry racial slogans like ‘change’ and ‘audacity of hope’ and ‘yes we can.’ He was precisely six-four, ’cause if he’d been six-three I’d have kicked his ass.”

In police questioning, Ms Todd confirmed that “the attacker was super-duper-ultra-extra black. I think he was Muslim, gay and married too.”

After admitting to police that the incident failed to meet the criteria of the reality-based community, Ms Todd has been taken into mental health care. However, true to her Republican ideals, she is paying for it out of her own pocket, rather than using taxpayer money.

“Jesus, Karl,” said Aaron Sorkin, “if I tried sending this shit in I’d get laughed out of the studio.”

MAN ON FIVE, Cook County, Monday (NNN) — The McCain campaign is looking at an Electoral College strategy heading into the final two weeks that has virtually no room for error.

“Democrat voting fraud is famous since Tammany Hall,” says Republican strategist Karl Rove. “So we’ll win without votes.”

Voting machines have been remotely reset and the counts adjusted. “Diebold have come to the party big time.” Touch screen machines for West Virginia early voting offer voters “McCAIN” or “REPLY HAZY, TRY AGAIN LATER.”

The rolls will be thoroughly checked for voter fraud. “If the typeface or font size is different on their driver’s licence, Social Security or the voter roll, that’s obvious blatant fraud. A typical Liberal knife to the heart of democracy.”

The party will check for dead voters as well. “We’re making the safe assumption that all registered Democrats are dead. If they’re not, we’ll correct that.” Governor Palin has long dealt with Democrat moose in Alaska. “You betcha!”

All residents of properties whose mortgages were underwritten by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac will be assumed to have voted Republican. “We own the houses, of course we own the votes. It’s nonsense to say otherwise.”

Finally, under USA-PATRIOT, Obama supporters will be deemed associates of associates of terrorists. The offence will carry a penalty of one day’s imprisonment: November 4th.

Mr Rove is confident in the future of our democracy. “One man, one vote. That man being me.”

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