THE MEMORY WHOLE, London SW1A 1AA, Wednesday (NTN) — Tony Blair’s memoir, Seven Hundred Pages Of Tedious Equivocation, has caused mass outbreaks of violent ennui and destroyed the minds of the few remaining people who care.

The carnage has been truly numbing. Blair has expressed his “anguish” and “regret” at the millions who, having thought he was finally gone and they wouldn’t have to think about him or his party waddling about like a headless chicken that couldn’t really be bothered in any way whatsoever ever, ever again, had had their desire to evade his tree-killing atrocities thwarted by its serial rewriting in all newspapers, desperate to fill space in the silly season.

But he insists the 2010 publication was the right thing to do. “When I say I think about my awful book and Peter’s awful book and their consequences and their victims every day of my life, it is true; but more than that, I use that reflection to recommit to a sense of purpose in the bigger affair, a business yet unfinished: getting paid repeatedly for the same ghostwritten guff. I can’t say sorry in words; I can only hope to redeem something from the tragedy of stupefaction, something like continued public prominence and remarkably lucrative speakers’ fees.

“I deeply regret the British public’s failure to realise how right and justified I was in everything I did, all of which was absolutely correct. I am now beyond the mere expression of compassion. But you knew that.

“Also, Gordon is a moron. I know he’s a moron. Gordon is a moron. Gordon is a moron, Gordon is a moron.”

PEASHOOTER, Beanotown, Friday (D. C. Thomson) — Zac Goldsmith, 7, of Richmond, has engaged in a furious row over his parents’ investigation into just who got into the biscuit tin, fed chocolates to the dog and wrote ‘ZAC WOZ ERE’ in strawberry jam on the counter.

Mr Goldsmith repeatedly denied he had done anything wrong — insisting he had followed exactly the same practices in declaring his use of the kitchen as every other petulant child. But he only agreed to address the issue after a heated ten-minute spat with his mother and father over whether they had previously refused him a right to reply to accusations of having “bottled out” of bath time the previous week.

Interviewed about the mess in the kitchen, Mr Goldsmith angrily refused to talk about the biscuit, chocolate or jam claims unless his mother first apologised for what he said were “lies” about him declining to appear in the bathroom Friday night. “I won’t talk about the specifics until I get this point across,” he said, accusing his mother of deliberately “misleading” his father by saying he had turned down bath time requests in favour of happening to be playing in the field behind the house. “You knew that was not true at the time, you know it’s not true now,” he told her. Each time he was questioned about the kitchen, Mr Goldsmith instead insisted on pressing her about the non-appearance at bath time, at one point calling her a “charlatan.”

Mr Goldsmith’s father proceeded to tan Mr Goldsmith’s backside a very fetching bright red colour, while commending the boy on his persistence in maintaining his position. “He will go far,” said Sir James. “Possibly to the gallows.”

PROJECT MAYHEM, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — The 2011 census could be the last held in Britain, as the new government declares it much more cost-effective to ask local councils and credit reporting agencies where you live and what your religion is.

First-world countries almost all use a census every five to ten years to get accurate information for resource allocation and electoral boundary reallocation. “So obviously we need to fix that last one,” said Cabinet Office minister Francis Maude. “Experian should tell us no-one actually lives in Scotland, for example, so we needn’t run votes there at all.” The new Tory seats from the process will be termed “well-matured boroughs.”

Local councils looked forward to the initiative. “We expect several million previously-unrevealed residents to show up in our borough,” said Tower Hamlets council leader Lutfur Rahman, “all postal-voting for Labour, which should get us roughly one MP per street. We should also be able to get Urdu declared an official British language on the strength of our numbers.”

Mr Maude replied that he could use robust political science to disprove the existence of Tower Hamlets, if need be. “The numbers my staff came up with here suggest Tower Hamlets is actually somewhere off Skye, for example. Facts are an annoyance, so I suggest Mr Rahman not cross them.”