Category Archives: United Kingdom

Gordon Brown teases: “I could walk away from office tomorrow”

June 20, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

TOYNBEE, Internationale, Saturday (Mediocre Grauniad) — In an interview with The Guardian, Gordon Brown teased and taunted Britain and the Labour Party with claims that “I could walk away from all of this tomorrow. I’m hurt, terribly hurt by the things people have said.”

Cabinet gritted its teeth and stifled the urge to shout “THEN FUCKING GO,” realising there was no-one on hand who was any less rubbish.

“I’m not as great a presenter of information or communicator as I would like to be. I don’t actually think I’m very good at it at all. That thing you do with your face, where the corners of your mouth go up, that Peter does when he’s dancing on skulls … it’s weird and unnatural.”

He also spoke of the “common purpose” between Lord Mandelson and himself. “I must say, his way with the vertebrae of anyone who crosses him is really quite impressive, not to mention his skills with eye of newt and tongue of frog. People in the Labour Party are coming to appreciate his talents, or at least the ones who enjoy being able to walk. There’s great affection for him now, and hardly any garlic or silver crosses.”

Despite the issues his party had faced in the last month, Mr Brown said he was confident Labour could still win the next general election for two reasons: Labour’s huge successes in handling the economy and MPs’ expenses, and truly stupendous quantities of hallucinogenic chemicals in the water supply for 10 Downing Street.

Politics, United Kingdom

MPs’ expenses run through experimental Cleanfeed filter

June 19, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

SHOCKED, SHOCKED, Casablanca, Friday (NNN) — Giving in to public pressure, the House of Commons yesterday revealed all MP expense claims for the past five years, heralded on the front page of every newspaper today with pictures of large black rectangles and all cryptic crosswords and Sudokus being replaced with public participatory efforts to go through the raw data looking for the most jawdropping claims.

“I am shocked and appalled,” said Prime Minister Gordon Brown, “that my government would conceal its expenses from its leader, who knew nothing of this at all, and then attempt to conceal the concealing. ~~Don’t they trust me?~~”

The results were fed through an experimental Cleanfeed Internet filter, switched on after the Ministry of Defence had asked BT to block all UK access to Wikileaks.org to conceal the documents showing they had accidentally revealed the location of MI5 as ~~oops, it’s slipped my mind~~.

“Revealing MPs’ expenses will only grant succour to journalists and paedophiles,” said the Internet Watch Foundation. “Trust us on this.”

“I can categorically assure taxpayers that ~~arse feck we’re busted~~,” said retiring Speaker Michael Martin.

The Liberal Democrats have signaled their intention to seize the day, look this gift horse in the mouth and completely fail to turn it to anything resembling electoral advantage. As usual.

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Entertainment, Technology, United Kingdom

Digital Britain to push “culturally British” games

June 18, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

HEY HEY 16K, What Does That Get You Today, Thursday (NNGadget) — As well as attempting to give the major record and television companies whatever they want until the end of time, Lord Carter’s Digital Britain report includes tax breaks for “culturally British” computer game development.

Planned games include Lard Warrior (“the goal is to sit playing a game. The graphics are truly horrifying and needed us to go to 3.5-dimensional to fit the player’s avatar on the screen. Rated 18+ for explicit neck beards”), CCTV Panopticon (“take pictures of the CCTV cameras in your high street until arrested under the Terrorism Act for having your own camera in public, defeat final boss with Doctorow Attack”), Bottled Tan Snorter (“get into celebrity magazines and shag footballers, lose points for any sign of intelligence, insufficient nipple slips or words of two syllables”) and Cynical Apathist (“write outraged blog posts and comments with amusing satires of events of the day while working a job directly keeping the hideous machinery alive and running, avoid removal by the Guardian moderator”). A committee will also form a group to do a study concerning a team to write a ZX Spectrum emulator for the iPhone, with a cassette interface emulator that sends Apple 99p every time you get an “R: Tape Loading Error.”

The games industry has warned in the past that developers are being lured away to other countries by the prospect of being paid more than shit. Conservative Shadow Arts Minister Ed Vaizey has leapt upon the opportunity, with promises of incentives for talented developers to stay in Britain and not be lured away by better pay in America. “We’ll keep their passports from them until they reach ‘Achievement Unlocked.'”

Having finally released Digital Britain, Lord Carter has resigned from the government and is returning to private industry. “Of course, Digital Britain remains a completely objective assessment of the way forward for the nation in the twenty-first century, and should in no way be thought of as my CV for a series of lucrative consultancies with the large media companies I’ve just given everything they’ve ever asked for. And a pony.”

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Health, Politics, United Kingdom

Human anatomy remains mystery to MPs

June 13, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

RATCHED, Westminster, Saturday (NNN) — In a survey of over 600 people working in Westminster, less than half were able to locate their heart on a diagram, less than one third could distinguish the gluteal muscle from the joint in their arm and many could not locate their own posterior under any circumstances.

The researchers said they found little difference in understanding of human anatomy between their survey and a similar one done in April 1979.

The results showed that:

Knowledge was poor and had dropped back to the same level as thirty years ago.
Many stoutly asserted that the heart was “propaganda” and “a myth” and that any such organ would be entirely unfeasible in practice.
Despite inability to locate the gluteal muscle, in many subjects it was 90% of their bodily mass, with a large nerve going directly to the pocket located adjacent to it.
Those whose hip pocket nerve was most problematic had the most trouble locating it or even admitting to its existence.

“Human anatomy remains a mystery to most of these people,” said John Weinman, who led the study, “though it is questionable how relevant it is to some of them.”

Suggested remedies include radical surgery to remove the most prominently overgrown gluteal muscles, scheduled to be performed no later than 5th May 2010.

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Technology, United Kingdom

New mobile phone directory launches

June 12, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

T3.COM, Tellyhouse, Thursday (NNGadget) — Controversy surrounds Connectivity’s new mobile phone directory service “Stalkertivity,” with privacy campaigners denouncing it as invasive.

Connectivity gets the numbers from market research companies, any online business you ever gave your number to, a hacked copy of the Telephone Preference Service anti-telemarketer database and scraps of paper retrieved from the streets outside nightclubs on Sunday mornings. “We are passionate about making the way we all stay in touch even easier,” said Connectivity CEO Raj Raithatha. “Particularly the quid per touch, we’re very passionate about that.”

The service has been ascertained not to be a data protection violation by the Information Commissioner’s Office. “Our official opinion was completely uninfluenced by any prospects of lucrative consultancies with Mr Raithatha’s companies when, in the fullness of time, any of us retire from civil service employment in, say, the next three months.”

The company approached the four mobile network operators for full directory information, but opted not to pursue legal action to obtain it after being told to “bog off.” “They said their customers would far prefer an ‘opt-in’ approach,” said Mr Raithatha. “Quite apart from the implausible and frankly unnatural spectacle of a mobile phone company appearing to give a shit about its customers, we simply couldn’t operate this business on an opt-in basis. Opt-out is far more market-friendly. Just look at the helpful promotional email everyone gets so much of, and how opting-out works so well to staunch the flow!

“We would never, of course, sell off the opted-out numbers in the unlikely event our brilliant business plan hits the rocks, or if we feel like cashing out or anything. Promise.”

Privacy campaigners are also concerned at children being stalkable through the service. “But don’t worry, you can join our 0800 phone queue for two hours or pay a quid to text us an opt-out. We’ll take your child out of the database in only four weeks, promise! How many calls can they get in that time? Really!”

Mobile users hailed the initiative and its opt-out nature, with thousands of people organising to call the 0800 138 6263 opt-out number and the curiously unlisted mobile, office and home numbers of Mr Raithatha and his financial backers at investment firms 3i and DJF Esprit at thirty-second intervals in shifts around the clock. Each individual caller offered an opt-out facility covering calls from that one person, however, and also one for the many pizza, takeaway and marital aid deliveries to Mr Raithatha and his relatives, friends and business associates.

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Education, Media, United Kingdom

English acquires its millionth word: “bollocks”

June 11, 2009 David Gerard 1 Comment

GOSH, Well I never, Thursday (NNN) — English has now acquired its millionth word, “bollocks,” according to Global Language Monitor, a website monitoring the extraordinary emergence of new English throughout the world.

“The Million Word milestone brings to notice the coming of age of English as the first truly global language,” said Paul J.J. Payack. “We looked at slang, word-marriages with other languages and the thousands of new terms spawned by the internet. But really, most of them were such utter bollocks that it was the only reasonable candidate.”

“Bollocks” has a long and venerable history, first showing up in the 12th century. “But it keeps reviving itself. ‘Web 2.0,’ ‘n00b,’ ‘Jade Goody,’ ‘festering fucknugget’ … it’s all bollocks.”

Global Language Monitor uses a Predictive Quantities Indicator to assess whether a usage qualifies as a word: each contender is analysed according to depth (number of citations) and breadth (geographic extent of word usage), as well as the number of times a word has appeared in the global print and electronic media, the Internet, blogs, and social media. Then they throw away the numbers, get blind drunk on White Lightning while shouting the most appalling bits of the Daily Mail at each other and declare it all a load of “bollocks.”

“People moan about the degradation and decline of the English language,” said Mr Payack, “but the worst offenders are the media, who will print any old self-promoting rubbish that will fill space and save them working for a living. Global Language Monitoring is me and my invisible mate Charlie who lives on this bench with me. Bollocks to the lot of yer! Bollocks! They put a bollocks radio in my head! Bollocking bollocks!”

Politics, United Kingdom

Cabinet reshuffle puts Lords up front

June 8, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

PRIVY COUNCIL, Flush Twice, Friday (NNN) — Lord Peter Mandelson has become deputy prime minister in the latest cabinet reshuffle, one of the highest positions held by an unelected politician in recent times. Joining him is Sir Alan Sugar, to become Lord Sugar, as enterprise secretary.

“Elections are so passé,” said Lord Mandelson, “don’t you think? Look at the EU vote. They couldn’t think of any proper parties to vote for, so the few who showed up and could, you know, work a pencil voted in the Nazis and those UKIP idiots.

“Clearly, elections are an idea whose time has passed. We need to get back to a monarchy with a solid system of courtiers. Thus, only the unelected can join the cabinet and, in due course, become Prime Minister. Or Grand Vizier, as I prefer to call the rôle.”

Lord Mandelson reassured everyone that Gordon Brown had seen off the latest round of attackers with knives for his back and that Mr Brown was safe in his position for at least another week. “But should he take ill or otherwise be unavoidably detained, in a dungeon or tower or similar, you will be comforted to know that strictly temporary succession plans are firmly in place and he has a deputy ready to do the job pro tempore. Just in case it should prove unfortunately necessary.”

Lord Mandelson also reassured everyone that Lord Sugar was not merely waiting for the right moment to break the news to Mr Brown. “Or the cameras.”

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Religion, South America, United Kingdom

Y2012 problem: Mayan calendar runs out

June 7, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

FINDHORN, Astral Plane, Age of Aquarius (NNN) — The New Age spiritually aware around the world are running up against the end of the Mayan Long Count Calendar. Mayan date 12.19.19.17.19 will occur on December 20, 2012, followed by the start of the fourteenth cycle, 13.0.0.0.0, on December 21st.

The event was first flagged by megalith scientist Terence McKenna. The end of the thirteenth cycle would break many megalith calculations — which conventionally use only the last four numbers to save on standing stones — with fears of spiritual collapse, disruption of ley lines, Ben Goldacre driving the chiropractors back into the sea and the return of the great god Quetzalcoatl and the consequent destruction of all life on earth.

Megalith programmers from 4000 years ago are being dredged up from peat bogs and pressed into service to get the henges updated to handle the turnover in the date. “It could be worse,” said one. “I could still be programming COBOL.”

Sceptics may choose the Winter Solstice on December 22nd (13.0.0.0.1) to attack, to take advantage of weakened qi. In case vital services are temporarily cut off, spiritually aware persons should stock up on crystals, copies of Sun Signs, a duly blessed tarot deck and other essentials. “They should get as well a suitable selection of blessed Hopi ear candles,” said Y2012 consultant Ravenwoo Granola, DD, 31°, Ph.D (Univ. P.T. Barnum Mail-Order), “unicorn posters, holistic medicines, Silver RavenWolf books, purple clothing, protective pentacles — earrings for the ladies, pendants for the gents — make sure the house is absolutely robust in feng shui, your energetic vibrations are aligned and your Eostre rituals are up to date and keep only homeopathic quantities of money around. I’ll be happy to take on the danger of handling the rest. Here’s a price list. Everyfink for the spiritual survivalist.”

Others dismiss the problem. Sandra Noble of the Foundation for the Advancement of Mesoamerican Studies considers the Y2012 problem “a complete fabrication and a chance for a lot of people to cash in.” However, Y2012 consultants deride “2012-deniers” for having their heads in the sand as to the vast and overwhelming spiritual importance to humanity of keeping their consultancies rolling.

Entertainment, Technology, United Kingdom

Downloading keeping “billions” inside the UK

June 6, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

UNLIMITED SUPPLY, There Is No Reason Why, Friday (NNN) — More than seven million Britons use illegal downloading sites that keep billions of pounds circulating inside the British economy rather than being sent overseas to US media companies or obscure tax havens, despite almost everything on offer being appalling rubbish no sane person would pay a penny for, according to unnamed researchers copying a passing number found in a 2004 press release from music industry lawyers trying to drum up business.

Intellectual Property Minister David Lammy said the report brought home the impact illegal downloads had on the UK economy as a whole. “If we take as read the music industry’s assumption that every download is a lost sale, then billions of pounds are freed up for ordinary people to spend on things of actual economic substance to keep local businesses healthy, rather than chasing phantom pseudo-value from things that have an inherent cost of reproduction of zero. This makes the whole economy more efficient and lets money go where it is actually useful, rather than to Bono’s numbered account in the Virgin Islands.”

The government says it will be hard to change attitudes to free downloading, particularly from the entrenched old media parasites. “Studies consistently show that downloaders buy more music. We have to stop this and get them downloading dodgy rips from BitTorrent, rather than official high-quality versions from iTunes.”

The report also noted that new, faster broadband services could increase file-sharing, which was already more than half of net traffic in the UK. The ISPs modestly declined credit for their part in helping Britain’s financial future, noting that it was their customers, the great British public, who had voted with their browsers to do the hard work of keeping the country afloat.

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Europe, Politics, United Kingdom

Green landslide in Euro elections

June 4, 2009 David Gerard Leave a comment

BOLGIAS 8 AND 9, Brussels, Wednesday — Given the choice of thieves and/or liars, neo-Nazis, palaeo-Nazis and plain gibbering nutters, those voters who bothered with the 2009 European Parliament elections rather than staying home to work on their taste for White Lightning have reluctantly and with great pain chosen the Greens as the gibbering nutters of choice, despite the party’s deep suspicion of any technology or medicine more complicated or considered than banging two rocks together. Sustainably-quarried rocks, chiseled in a free-range masonry with high quality state-funded education.

The party maintains that its position on technology, science and medicine has been grossly misrepresented. “The spiritual colon cleansing over MPs’ expenses has been vastly entertaining for all, for example. Furthermore, bombing — I mean, gently encouraging — Westminster back to the Stone Age is a surefire winner for our national ambitions.”

The UK Independence Party accused Eurocrat electoral infiltrators of having “robbed” it of votes in the design of the ballot paper as its voters could not find it on the ballot, being unable to figure out how to unfold the paper. The party will be mounting a legal challenge on the matter as soon as they find consultants able to explain to them how to work pencils.

The remaining Labour voters have demanded legal protection as a minority cult religion, or possibly a diagnosable mental illness.

a smashed keyboard full of hope and wonder