Category Archives: United Kingdom

Entertainment, Media, United Kingdom, United States

Michael Jackson “news value missing” at autopsy

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CHILLER, Off The Perch Saturday (N! News) — Michael Jackson’s news value was missing at his autopsy, it was claimed last night. The front pages of all newspapers today showed a hole where an actual news story should have been.

Michael Jackson as a zombie in “Thriller”A witness claimed to have seen Jackson’s news story on an editor’s desk, saying: “The prosthesis the journalists normally attached to their damaged story was missing, revealing bits of tasteless synthetic papier-maché surrounding a small dark hole.”

It is believed that journalists “squeezing Jackson until the pips rattled” had so destroyed the 50-year-old’s newsworthiness that even Daily Mail readers thought their paper was going beyond the pale and perhaps, as famous as he was, the poor fellow could probably be left to rest in peace now.

“But we can probably tie in Katie Price’s breasts if we try,” said one contestant for a completely synthetic Pulitzer, “so to speak. Swine flu should be in there too, it’s pretty popular at the moment. Gotta rack up those web hits! From those thieving bastards at Google.”

Jackson’s personal doctor is now an official manslaughter suspect over his death, utterly reliable celebrity gossip sites have revealed. A toxicology report on Jackson’s body is set to be released next week, by which time this week’s baseless speculations as to his doctor, his children, his brothers and Elvis’ passing UFO will be completely forgotten in time for another “full house” of identical front pages on every paper in Britain.

Health, United Kingdom

WHO declares swine flu an end in itself

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MRSA MEMORIAL, Staffordshire Hospital, Thursday (NNN) — There were an estimated 100,000 new cases of swine flu in Britain last week, the Health Protection Agency said today, after 55,000 new cases in the previous week. At this rate, every person in Britain will be infected by November.

National Flu Service fail whaleAlthough considered a “mild” flu, with sufferers only experiencing a week of fever, puking and shitting, the new H1N1 variant is remarkably infectious, appearing able to spread across telephone lines and through lists of swine flu symptoms on Internet news sites.

“We have not as yet managed to link a lack of swine flu to poverty, deficient character and loose morals,” said Chief Medical Officer Sir Liam Donaldson, “but that is, after all, the cause of every other problem facing the NHS: patients.”

The World Health Organisation has proclaimed that swine flu will become “a new and vital part of the human genome.” To this end the National Flu Service has set up a website to make sure everyone gets their due ration of the disease. Built by a PFI consortium headed by EDS Capita Goatse, the site crashed within five minutes of launch this morning and should be up again within twelve months.

This morning, like every morning, Robert Neville woke to fight back the infected. The genetic recombinant H1N1 virus had infected almost everyone in the world. Of the survivors, almost all had permanently succumbed to the primary symptom: bacon. A genetic need for bacon. All the bacon you could want. Forever.

Health, United Kingdom

Pain essential to childbirth, says male midwife

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SHIPMAN BUILDING, University of Crippen, Monday (NNN) — The pain of childbirth is essential to proper bonding with the child and a “rite of passage” experience, said a male professor of midwifery today.

Doctor EvilDr Denis Walsh, who will never get sex again in his life, said pain helped regulate childbirth and prepared her for the responsibility of motherhood. In addition, epidurals were specifically condemned in Leviticus and would “lead to the souls of the damnable trollop and her odious whelp” being in danger of Hellfire for crimes against nature.

“It is essential for women to understand that they are failures as mothers and human beings if they do things that cost the NHS money that could be spent on management consultants or IT projects,” said Dr Walsh to a baying crowd. “Also, their BMI is high enough that we can blame anything we fuck up on that too, just to make them feel even worse.”

Several mothers, many carrying pitchforks, carried Dr Walsh off to put a barbed stick down his penis so that the pain would make him a better father. They also demonstrated to the crowd his suggestions for alternate birthing methods, in which they inserted a watermelon into his anus and pulled it back out again repeatedly with forceps, hypnosis and a birthing pool to hand to alleviate any discomfort he may have experienced.

Entertainment, United Kingdom, United States

Emma Watson in black leather “most important news in world”

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LECHER SQUARE, City of Sodomy, Thursday (N! News) — Emma Watson sadly avoided another wardrobe malfunction at the New York premiere of the latest Harry Potter movie, swapping her floaty evening gown for black leather.

Richard Dawkins as Emma Watson in a latex catsuitShe caused head explosions in approximately a zillion smelly nerds when they heard she was wearing a black leather halter-neck top for the New York premiere. At the British premiere on Monday, Miss Watson “unwittingly” flashed her underwear and half of her left breast at waiting photographers as she adjusted the vintage Ossie Clark dress clinging wetly to her curves in the pouring rain. “At least I was wearing underwear,” she said to David Letterman, taunting the fanboys further.

“We were hoping for something better,” said rebelling Uighirs in Xinjiang Province as the Chinese army hunted them down to torture and kill them. “I mean, goodness me, when she actually reached puberty in the third film. I guess this is her inner Richard Dawkins showing through. KILL THE RELIGIOUS! FREE EMMA WATSON POSTER! Hubba hubba!”

J.K. Rowling was not worried about the weather or the behaviour of the actors. “Money, ME. Me, MONEY. The money flows in ONE DIRECTION. Just keep that straight and we’ll be fine.”

Australia, Education, United Kingdom, United States

World’s #4 website features “cunt” on front page

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FUCK THE MILLENNIUM, Arsenal, Thursday (NNN) — Wikipedia, the world’s fourth most popular website, has prominently featured the article “Gropecunt Lane,” a mediæval English name for a town’s prostitution district, on its front page today.

Wiki-Hetaera by Franciszek ?murko“The article has been voted one of the two thousand best on Wikipedia,” said Mark Pellegrini, the English Wikipedia Featured Articles Dictator. “The treatment is sober, academic and entirely educational in nature. Also, cunt.”

According to the article, the word “cunt” has been used for female genitalia in English since the year 1230, being considered increasingly obscene since the 1500s. The word comes from the Ancient Egyptian “qefen-t,” meaning “queef.” In The Miller’s Tale, Geoffrey Chaucer writes “And prively he caughte hire by the queynte” — the origin of the saying “how quaint.” Later noted usage includes John McCain’s paean of praise to his wife as plastering her makeup on “like a trollop, you goddamn cunt.” The article concludes by noting that BUSH IS GAY LOLOLOL.

Employers around the world have taken this as their excuse to block Wikipedia so people can get on with real work, such as Facebook and Twitter. The BBC News At One reported the incident with the introduction “Good afternoon and cunt.” Monocle-wearing 4chan users have started the Campaign for Real Cunts “to restore the old street names and bring back this piece of sadly vandalised British heritage.” The Internet Watch Foundation’s website has collapsed under the load of everyone going to report Wikipedia, just to say “hi and fuck you.”

The featuring of the word “cunt” on the world’s top educational site is part of an ongoing programme to avert Internet censorship by communicating to children that swearing and sex in the streets are boring, tedious and annoying things that old people do. “It’s brilliant!” said Australian Senator Steven Fielding. “With luck, we can make knowledge itself and the whole ungodly Enlightenment programme un-‘cool’ as well. Also, uh, ‘ca-arnt.'”

Health, Politics, United Kingdom

Differently-competent PM pleads against assisted career suicide

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THE WAITING ROOM, Westminster, Wednesday (NN) — The House of Lords voted against a controversial move to protect Britons who help people bring an end to terminally-ill political careers.

Gordon Brown as old woman in bikini with implantsThe law presently states that anyone who helps another to commit suicide can be jailed for up to 14 years. However, destroying one’s career and future public image and taking the rest of the country with you whilst remaining technically living is not merely legal, but standard. The Director of Public Prosecutions Keir Starmer decided last year to allow the slow destruction of the career and future of Gordon Brown, a 58-year-old man paralysed by a Peter Principle accident who started the slow process of career suicide at the Indignitas clinic in Westminster in 2007.

Mr Brown spoke out strongly against the amendment himself. “I believe it will place a new and invidious pressure on terminally incompetent people to think they are closer to the end of their jobs. I tick every box of the proposed criteria to be eliminated. Members of my own cabinet repeatedly suggest I should seek the ‘dignified option.’ But despite the times when my progressively worsening incompetence challenges me, I want to guarantee that you are with me, supporting my continued life and its value … what do you mean, you’ve already signed me up for it? Peter? Peter!”

NHS trust managers were most disappointed in the result. “Where there’s a living will, there’s a way!”

Media, Science, United Kingdom

Minister praises high standard of science journalism

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WELL I NEVER, Do-As-You-Please, Wednesday (NotScientist) — The minister for science and innovation, Lord Paul Drayson, has praised the high standards of science journalism at the sixth World Conference of Science Journalists in London yesterday. About 900 delegates attended the conference to congratulate each other on the remarkable quality of their press release transcription skills.

Jerry Lewis and Stella Stevens in The Nutty Professor“The public relies on dependable science journalism to understand the forces shaping the modern world,” said Lord Drayson. “Your work covering the things that really matter, such as pseudo-evolutionary explanations of current fashion trends, what will give us cancer this week, scaring the crap out of people over the MMR vaccine so their kids die of birth defects from measles instead and why fellatio is required for female health helps people make important choices about their lives and builds a vital gap between scientists and the public. I mean bridge.”

He dismissed claims that typical science reporting primarily results in sensationalist and misleading headlines. “I wish more journalists would follow your example. The ones covering MPs’ expenses certainly should have been working the way you do.”

The speech was delivered to a backdrop of A-level students in lab coats. And bikinis.

Professor Gene Hunt of the University of Metro calculated that Lord Drayson’s speech could power all of Britain for six months purely from harnessing the steam coming out of Ben Goldacre’s ears.

Education, United Kingdom

Students to finish degrees by “any means necessary”

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REGISTRAR’S OFFICE, University of Bums on Seats, Wednesday (NNN) — The government is to set up an emergency fund to give students at risk of dropping out a chance to complete their degree online through the Open University.

Bleeding penThose who wanted to do something substantive but who were close to failing will be redirected to more practically achievable goals, such as Bachelor of Hairdressing, Master of Building-site Administration or the very popular Diploma in Pub Studies. The ongoing Continuing Ph.D in Welfare Receiving will also be enhanced.

The government has launched a taskforce on online learning to form a committee to commission a study on a team surveying initial approaches to help official goals of 50% of students getting a degree. “British universities will lose their leading international standing unless they become much more radical in their use of new technology,” said Lord Mandelson today. “The blinding flash of inspiration at the heart of the Open University lay in the way it challenged the idea of what a classroom was, and set up a structure such that students could be charged full fees for study without having to run an actual campus for them. Lectures have had their day. The ‘edgeless university,’ which involves a modern and sophisticated fees office, some old textbooks and an email autoresponder, has limitless potential.”

Jobseekers are typically expected to have a University degree for the stringent intellectual demands of modern careers such as call centre operator, receptionist, manure shoveller or embittered bomb-throwing anarchist radical turned local council civil servant.

Health, Science, United Kingdom

Sceptics defeat homeopathy with homeopathic homeopathy

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CRYSTAL CAULDRON, Surrey, Monday (NotScientist) — In a revolution for the forces of allopathic hatred and the negation of human spiritual potential, a strike force of rogue sceptics has, using the funding of their pharmaceutical death-dealer masters, negated homeopathy with the proving of a new remedy: homeopathic homeopathy.

Homeopathic Bullshit Nitricu 30CThe preparation was initially energised using the explanations for Plutonium Nitricu 30C (homeopathic plutonium), Positronium 30C (homeopathic antimatter) and Rational Sceptic 10C (homeopathic exploded brains of people hearing of the previous two). The succussions of the subsequent dilutions were done using a mechanical potentiser based on the arm of Dr Samuel Hahnemann, the discoverer of homeopathy, which pounds the mechanical arm against a firm rubber pad from a height of five inches twenty times in two seconds. This is also effective when applied to the patient just before presenting the bill.

The provers found they experienced the complete sensations of every ingredient that had not been added to the solution as, like all homeopathic solutions, it was guaranteed to contain no ingredients whatsoever. This gave them complete understanding of all possible effects of nothing but pure distilled water energised only by a £5.99 price tag from Boots on the bottle. They then proceeded to get new jobs doing something actually useful for a living.

Ravenwoo Granola (Bachelor of Homeopathic Medicine, University of Bums on Seats) countered that hundreds of years of carefully documented study of homeopathy could not be at error. “I dosed myself with a homeopathic preparation from my own anus before considering your question, thus assuring my brilliance and perspicacity on this subject.”

Internet users, however, heralded the results, suggesting pouring the contents of a homeopathic preparation of Scientology into their DSL modems to protect them from blithering stupidity, and homeopathic goatse to protect them from 4chan.

Religion, Technology, United Kingdom

Police fend off massive summer solstice denial-of-service attack on Stonehenge

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A344, Gateway To The West, Sunday (NNN) — Thirty-six thousand revellers, hippies, wiccans and general space cadets have gathered at Stonehenge for the summer solstice, throwing astronomical megalith calculations into chaos.

Stonehenge slashdotted at dawnWiltshire riot police, fresh from the hugely successful G20 operation, kept the fuzzy-brained masses at bay with horses, drug sniffer dogs, an unmanned flying drone and a battalion of level thirty-one family tradition Dawkinsian sceptics, admitting only essential maintenance druids into the fence around Stonehenge itself to handle the load on the ley lines powered by the henge.

“Whooo,” inhaled druid Leatherman Travaglia through his teeth, “yir big-end’s lost cosmic dimensionality and yir astral cabling cannae handle the power. ’S gonna cost ye. I’d try the homeopathic positronium, but the wee glass bottles cannae take it, Captain. Ye cannae change the laws of metaphysics!”

As the druids began their incantations, Wiccan priestesses drew their cowls tight against the damp morning air and half-naked dancers waved their hands in the air and went: “Woo, woo, woo.” “Lookit the fiminine energies on that one!” said Travaglia.

Restrictions were placed on the amount of alcohol revellers could bring in and police said they would not tolerate illegal drug taking or unlawful raves. However, it turned out the most apparently off-their-heads were just like that normally.

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