Category Archives: United Kingdom

Entertainment, United Kingdom

Robbie Williams comes crawling back to Take That

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TIN ARM ALLEY, Public NME, Friday (N! News) — After telling the others to fuck off several years ago, Robbie Williams has, after a string of epic failures, come grovelling back to Take That in the hope of enough income to pay for his, er, mineral water.

Take That with naked bottoms“Williams? I vaguely recall the name,” said Gary Barlow, leader of the band. “First name’s ‘Cunt,’ right? ‘Fuckhead’? ‘Shitstick’? Something like that.”

After the band’s reformation in 2005, Barlow successfully matured the former boy band’s sound and achieved two hit albums. “I understand there’s some twatrag who wants to rejoin Take That,” he spat. “I was inclined to courier him a turd in a box, but someone offered to back several dumptrucks filled with gold bullion up to our houses if we let the dogfucker on the same stage as us. He’ll have to start at the bottom, of course, but I’m sure there’s lots we can do to make him feel as welcome as he deserves.”

Williams discussed the reunion on Jonathan Ross this evening. “Gary’s just joshing. We’re getting on great — even when we weren’t speaking, he was keeping in touch, sending me press clippings of every Take That reunion chart position and sold-out arena show. I was even along on Mark Owen’s stag night. I’d thought it was traditional to tie the groom to a lamp post with a bucket on his head, his pants off and his cock painted bright red, but I took it in good spirits. Love the guys. Love ’em.”

A reunion tour may take place next year. “I’ve got Robbie’s rider sorted out,” said Barlow. “Ours is a suitable selection of wines, spirits and juices and I’ve got to check the portaloo outlet for his. Can’t wait to work with him again.”

Politics, Science, United Kingdom

Device that “smells” snake oil could identify terrorists

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SECURITY ZOETROPE, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) A device claimed to “smell” human fear is being marketed as identifying terrorists by detecting “fear pheromones” in sweat.

Duck-punching rubber glove cavity search“The challenge lies in the characterisation and identification of the specific chemical that gives away the signature of human fear,” said project leader Professor Tong Sun of City University, “especially the fear of losing funding for security theatre. If we can reliably detect this fear, we should be able to land some eyewateringly lucrative contracts in the very near future.”

The research is funded by the Home Office. “The project relies on a government with a firm commitment to policy-based science, but the Tories look as craven over David Nutt’s firing as Labour, so we should be coining it in for a good while yet.”

The technology will assist airport security officers in picking out suitable subjects. Sensors can reliably detect if someone is a bit brown, or a bit foreign-looking, or has a non-Anglo-Saxon name, or if they might be thinking of giving cheek to security officers. It will work in conjunction with the millimetre-wave “naked” radar, currently used to identify terrorist subjects with large breasts.

The false positive rate will be only 5% on a terrorist detection rate of 1 in 100,000, meaning only 99.95% of subjects flagged will be a complete waste of time to finger up the arse with a latex glove. “But we’re sure the government will agree that mere statistical evidence is meaningless in the face of the vital necessity to send the right message,” said Prof Sun, “that if you make trouble the government will quite literally forcibly fuck you in the arse until you bleed. So just shut the fuck up and keep giving us money.”

Africa, Technology, United Kingdom, United States

Global “vaguely giving a shit” portal to launch

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ISLINGTON, Socialist Republic of North London, Tuesday (NNN) — President Barack Obama, Bill Gates and Bono are being invited to back a “vague middle-class interest portal” website, Hope Plus, to promote social politics.

Generic smiling African child“A global eBay-PeaceCorps-wiki-social-media-network-community-thingy is absolutely the most useful thing the modern world could have right now,” says founder Phil Noble of PoliticsOnline. “We already have lots of pictures of smiling African children.”

Mr Noble was inspired by his previous work for the BBC. “If we can tap into that Guardian demographic, we should be able to get people to really feel they’re doing their bit for the world, reducing their carbon footprint, cutting the poisons out of our air, water and food and feeding and educating the hungry by clicking on a website. People are good at clicking on stuff. We might even have some online petitions!”

The initiative is being bolstered by seed money from Microsoft. “I’ve long held that giving the poor the finest of our technology and the highest quality patented seeds is the way to advance everyone’s interests,” said Mr Gates, “particularly my own. I mean, my charity’s.” U2 has donated another copy of the bassline they have used on their last eight albums.

The Daily Mail will be starting Grumpy Plus, a portal for people to show their support for everything being so much worse than when they were young and everyone was polite and helpful and beat Hitler and you didn’t have to worry about coloured gay Polish asylum seekers ruining the price of your house. The Mail‘s demographic is not as Internet-enabled, so the site will work by people mailing in coupons from the paper.

Europe, Politics, United Kingdom

Hitler apologises for MP analogy e-mail

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DAS BUNKER, Westminster, Monday — Adolf Hitler has apologised for any “upset” caused by a “clumsily” worded e-mail, comparing his treatment to that of MPs over their expenses.

Hitler with watermelonMr Hitler, the Chancellor of Germany, made the apology after Roosevelt and Churchill had pointed out that comparing himself to David Wilshire, Tory MP for Spelthorne, was “frankly ludicrous”.

In his email response to subsequent correspondence, which he said had included death threats, Mr Hitler wrote: “The witch-hunt against Nazis in general will undermine democracy. Branding a whole group of people as undesirables led to the horror and carnage of the MP expenses scandal.”

He apologised for “comparing myself to an odious entitled twat like that Wilshire wanker — at least I didn’t pay half my bloody salary to Eva as a ‘researcher,'” but said he felt a bit put out that his hard work for German lebensraum and really good motorways was completely underappreciated. “I could show MPs how to live off bloody rations, mate.”

Mr Hitler was forced to announce last month that he would step down as leader of the Third Reich.

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Media, Technology, United Kingdom

BAN THIS SICK FACEFILTH

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PAGE 3, Wapping, Saturday (Mediocre Grauniad) — Your Super Soaraway Sun! comes out today against DISGRACEBOOK, the vile “social networking” system used by perverts, murderers, paedos, Catholic priests, Guardian readers, Labour ministers and other SICK FILTH.

Lucy PinderYour Sun has mounted a FULL INVESTIGATION into the Facebook DEN OF INIQUITY, with an intrepid Sun journalist risking his life and reputation going into the front-line of fire on the site, posing as an ordinary person and yet securing several SERIOUSLY DIRTY afternoon liaisons with previously decent and innocent young ladies (pictures on pages 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12) — all carefully verified as being just over sixteen — so as to courageously root out this CYBER-FOULNESS.

The Sun can reveal that Farcebook has NO flagging mechanism to filter out PERVERTS, MURDERERS and FRAUDSTERS, unlike socially responsible places for friends such as the family-friendly MySpace network.

“Facebook DISGUSTS any decent British person,” says Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey, in her editorial opinion column on page 3 today. “MYSPACE is a much more decent, wholesome and PATRIOTIC place to meet people. I’d never let my family anywhere else. Here’s my perky, puffy nipples on the site, in case you’re not sure.”

Even our NEXT PRIME MINISTER Dave “DAVE” Cameron agrees. “Yes, I saw about Facebook on Sky News. We’ve consulted with relevant senior media figures, and will be looking into severely restricting Facebook’s odious operations in the UK and requiring MySpace for widest possible public access to government services. I’m also told there’s an excellent service called Delphi that the British people should be encouraged to use. Toodle pip!”

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Education, Sport, United Kingdom

Watford Council saves children from parents

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CRAPLAND, M25, Thursday (NNN) — Watford Council has barred access to two adventure playgrounds to parents, in order to protect their own children from them. Despite being widely publicised in the Daily Mail, it turned out the story was in fact accurate.

Pripyat, Chernobyl ferris wheel“We have made sure all children are under the care of qualified CRB checked and legit staff!!!” said Dorothy Thornhill, mayor of Watford, in her ‘blog.’ “I bet the parents can’t say that!!!!!”

Ms Thornhill said this action was required by Ofsted regulations, despite Ofsted saying even they weren’t so stupid as this. “Everyone knows most assaults on children come from their own parents, not from bogeymen strangers!! Imagine what the papers would say if a child was snatched from the playground and brutally beaten and violated and killed!!!!!!!!! We would never hear the end of it!!!!!!!

“No, better two adventure playgrounds contain only our legitimate CRB-checked, DNA-stored and GPS-tracked supervisory staff and no-one else whatsoever!! than allow even one child to be harmed!!!!!!!!! Not to mention us. We have an election thingy coming up next year, you know.”

Ms Thornhill refused further comment, leaving to have fun on the playground equipment with the qualified supervisors, other councillors and senior council staff. “Bugger off. It’s ours.”

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Health, Media, United Kingdom

Julie Bindel: Trannies nicked my paper on the Tube

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DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport for London, Thursday (Mediocre Grauniad) — I love travelling on the tube. Where women are women, men are refuse and transsexuals don’t offend me with their alleged existence. But since the advent of free papers such as Metro, it feels like my reading material isn’t my own. Trannies keep nicking my paper.

Julie Bindel in her heartNo sooner do I put one paper down to browse through another than it gets appropriated by some man with breasts. And when I demand its paperwork proving it’s the gender it spuriously claims to be, it looks at me funny!

I believe in share and share alike, but this morning I put my copy of Transsexuals: The “Women” Behind Hitler down on the seat opposite and someone who looked like a bearded man but was far too pretty to be one by birth — men do nothing for me, so this was obviously a woman — just leaned over and took it. Damned cheek! I called it a penis-wielding misogynist magazine rapist, but it just looked at me oddly, so obviously didn’t have a penis.

Does this happen to you or do I just look like a mug or soft touch? Don’t they know I work hard at discussing serious feminist issues and gender determinism in society?

I believe they do. Transsexuals have been hounding me for years, just because I quite objectively described them as misbegotten scum who should be put out of our ideological misery. Hideous twilight in-betweeners, trying to hijack female privilege from real women. Vile and odious halfling monsters oppressing women and children, particularly me, by their mere existence and interrupting my important journalistic work and committing the misogynistic hate crime of interfering with my speaking fee income. Hell, I bet they’d question Julie Burchill’s feminist cred.

The worst was last night after a few serious feminist drinks at which we resolved that “Andrea” Waddell had logically relinquished all right to be considered human. I woke up in the morning to discover some fucking tranny had puked all down my shirt. Worse than that, one had pissed my pants too. Fucksakes.

Health, United Kingdom

Drugs chairman controversially states the bleeding obvious

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EAT Y’SELF FITTER, The Priory, Thursday (NNN) — Professor David Nutt, the government’s chief drug misuse advisor, has been called upon to resign after stating the bloody obvious fact that alcohol is frequently more harmful than cannabis or Ecstasy.

Bayer Heroin bottle“Alcohol ranks as the fifth most harmful drug after heroin, cocaine, barbiturates and methadone,” he said today. “Tobacco is ranked ninth. Cannabis, LSD and ecstasy are ranked lower at 11, 14 and 18 respectively. Shoooooom wibble wibble fairy blonk wuhwuhwuhwuhwuh,” he added as he levitated and zoomed out of the window.

“We are outraged,” said Home Secretary Alan Johnson. “This feckless statement of mere truth could derail all our attempts to control drugs and crime in an economically and socially responsible manner.”

The economies of poorer areas such as Hackney and Brixton largely revolve around drug dealing and associated criminal activity. “Without appropriate penalty-sustained drug pricing,” said Mr Johnson, “young persons will have no reasonable local entrepreneurial aspirations. They might have to get jobs or something. Furthermore, how are our knifemakers and ambulance staff expected to stay in work?”

Policing is also a major concern. “How would we get away with police openly patrolling with machine guns in Tooting? Professor Galileo’s work is an interesting intellectual exercise but is sadly ill-connected to the realities of modern society. It’s nice that he tried so hard, but it’s as if he expected us to actually care what he produced.

“Next he’ll say we should stop lying to children. How can they grow up right without a proper undertanding of what it takes to get a politician’s attention? In any case, after the War on Drugs, we have the War on Science. For the election, I’m pretty sure we’ll need a War on Arithmetic as well.”

Dave “Iggle Piggle” Cameron advocated a “more reasoned” approach when the Tories take office in June. “We’ll steer people to more socially redeeming chemical recreations. Bollinger at the Millwall game, what? And a tin of really quality snuff, since smoking is bad. Just say no, kids!”

Entertainment, Technology, United Kingdom

“Three strikes” to ensure security of all private communications

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GEFFEN, Westminster, Wednesday (NNN) — Lord Mandelson has today announced that the outgoing Labour government will be going ahead with the “three strikes” plan against Internet filesharing, thus ensuring the widespread use of encryption in all routine network communications.

Never fear, Mandy is here“Encrypted communications as standard is the best possible thing for everyone’s privacy,” he said today, “but there’s so much inertia from the installed base of unencrypted systems. This will provide a rapid incentive for everyone to upgrade as soon as possible. In our last few months in power at the fag-end of a failed government, we need to leave a real legacy for the future.”

The benchmark for the new system will be illegal filesharing dropping by 70%. “That’s measured illegal filesharing, of course. We have set out our metrics quite clearly. Furthermore, home taping is killing music.”

MI5 and the police have objected to the plan due to the difficulty of mass-monitoring encrypted systems, even with the RIPA power to obtain passwords, since mass anonymity systems such as TOR and Freenet have been constructed where the end-user never has nor sees the encryption key. “But a few hideous terrorist atrocities is a small price to pay for less Lily Allen songs being shared. Particularly if they happen on the Tories’ watch. MuWAAAhahahaha. By the way, have you noticed just how much Dave Cameron looks like Iggle Piggle? Uncanny.”

Science, United Kingdom

Did humans and Neanderthals interbreed?

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LASCAUX TESCAUX, Town Centre, Saturday night (NNN) — Modern humans and Neanderthals had sex across the species barrier, according to Professor Svante Paabo, a political scientist researching the British National Party.

Neanderthal English AborigineProf Paabo will shortly publish his analysis of the entire Neanderthal genome, using DNA retrieved from fossils. He aims to compare it with the genomes of modern humans, chimpanzees and neo-Nazis to work out where it all went horribly wrong.

“What I’m really interested in is, did they have children back then? And did these children go on to form the English Aborigine population of 17,000 years ago? And did their pamphlets make any more sense back then, and when did they introduce a football game to their regular Saturday bloodbaths?”

Such an answer might ease the controversy over recent contradictory discoveries. Some specimens seem to have both modern human and Neanderthal features, some even managing to string words into apparent sentences on Question Time. Some cave paintings of the time appear to be condemnations of “mud people,” particularly smart and beautiful ones who patronise them in public appearances.

“I used to believe Neanderthals were primitive,” said Professor Chris Stringer of the Natural History Museum, “but in the last ten to fifteen thousand years before they died out, around thirty thousand years ago, they were leaving behind complicated bead designs that appear from other cave paintings to translate, as far as we can work out, to ‘Fuck off you brain-dead fascist wanker.'”