Category Archives: Religion

Religion, Science, United Kingdom

Hawking’s statement of the bloody obvious betrays lack of theological understanding

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THE RUPTURE, Tower of Art, Friday (NotScientist) — Stephen Hawking’s claims that no God was required to create the Earth six thousand years ago, and moreover that it is round, are trivially ignorant and heretical.

Large Hardon Black HoleHe betrays the shallowness of his theological understanding with the sentence: “Look, you drooling idiots, we can see across the universe and smaller than atoms, revealing unimaginable wonder and beauty over billions of years. Your superstitions have been irrelevant to actual science that works for four centuries now, and are a jawdropping waste of time for anyone with greater mental acuity than a rock. Haven’t you some altar boys to rape?” The logical ambiguity of this claim is trivially obvious: he fails to make clear what he means by the word “time” — deep time? Lunch time? Time, gentlemen? Such sloppy thinking reveals the essential frivolity of his notions and clearly demonstrates the flat nature of the Earth and that it is six thousand years old. He has also completely failed to specify the precise variety of rock in question.

Belief in God is not about plugging a gap in explanation — that would be disprovable and might embarrass us later. Belief in God is belief in an intelligent living agent which everything depends on even though it’s undetectable. Which just goes to show how clever God is. He can make 2+2=5 and get away with putting advertising on the BBC as well. Thought Of The Day, don’t you know. The concept of non-overlapping magisteria clearly demonstrates that science has nothing to say about religion, and never mind that religion insists on saying things about science.

It is obvious to anyone with an idée fixe that physics claiming the universe is an entirely natural thing explainable by science is completely inadequate to satisfy the demands of upset monkeys for an answer which actually works in the real world but somehow does not conflict with their prejudices. It cannot answer why there is something rather than nothing, any more than it can explain why water makes the personal, volitional, moral decision to be wet. Also, you should come to church more. And take priests’ opinions on science seriously. And give us money. Hawking wouldn’t get away with this rubbish for a moment if the Inquisition was about, mark my words.

Australia, Politics, Religion

Atheists enthusiastically endorse Abbott’s Bible study proposal

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HECK ON EARTH, Warringah, Sunday (NTN) — Australian atheists have strongly endorsed Liberal leader Tony Abbott’s plans to make Bible study compulsory in schools. “Nothing but nothing makes people leave the church faster than actually reading the Bible.”

Gay Pope BenedictMr Abbott’s proposal was so that children would have a fundamental understanding of Christianity and “the great texts at the core of our civilisation.” Also, he’s going to lose anyway, so might as well shore up the base.

“We agree that people should study the Bible,” said the Atheist Foundation of Australia. “Did you know that God personally killed 2,301,417 people? Those are the ones numbered, there are about thirty-three million in collateral damage. Satan killed ten, and those were only because God put him up to killing Job’s family. Be good, or God will show you His love!

“Don’t forget that in the same bit He hates on the gays, God calls out prawns as an equal abomination. And wearing poly-cotton blends. And having an inside toilet. Though the bit where you have to stone your kids to death if they’re profligate drunkards might get the little shits to fucking behave.

“Not to mention the contradictions. We want to hear a creationist reconcile Genesis chapters 1 and 2. Or tell us what Christ’s last words were. Or tell us how Judas died. Reading different chapters side-by-side is great stuff. Oh, and don’t forget maths classes, where they can see the Bible solemnly declare that pi equals three.

“But most of all, we want to hear Tony Abbott reading the Song of Solomon in Parliament.”

“There’s probably no Liberal Party,” said Julia Gillard. “Now stop worrying and enjoy your life.”

Religion, United Kingdom

Church of England controversially suggests women may be human

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KINGDOM OF HECK ON EARTH, Dibley, Monday (NTN) — The General Synod of the Church of England has ruled that women may technically be regarded as a variety of human, leading to international outrage and threats of a schism.

Pink church in Hassall GreenWomen will be considered eligible to be elected to humanity, though traditionalist Anglican priests will be allowed to maintain their claimed Biblical right to assume mental incompetence of all females and speak to them only via a man.

The decision has left much division in its wake, with many traditionalists referring to the Apostle Paul’s clear statements regarding the regulation number of penises required before being considered a member of Homo sapiens.

“Some traditionalists left the synod chamber in tears,” said The Reverend Prebendary David Houlding. “In tears! Not that we’re leaving. We can be much more spiteful pains in the arse by sticking around. But the scope for making other people’s lives a misery in the Church of England is getting narrower and narrower and the options are rapidly closing. We had to treat sodomites as humans, now women. What next? Papists?”

The Catholic Church had offered a happy refuge for those who loathed and despised homosexuals, females and other lesser creatures, though Anglican priests who had considered the offer were not in general really all that interested in raping children.

Religion, United Kingdom

Riots outside Relate offices as Christian therapist loses appeal bid

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’LATE, Brizzle, Thursday (NTN) — A Relate counsellor’s sacking for refusing to counsel gay couples has been upheld, leading to Church of England members rioting and setting alight Relate offices across the country.

Gary McFarlane was sacked by Relate after it had refused to accommodate his sincere and deeply-held Christian beliefs that the Sodomite unbelievers should be stoned to death to burn in Hellfire for all eternity.

“Because of my Christian beliefs and principles,” said Mr McFarlane, “there should be allowances whereby individuals like me can actually avoid having to contradict their very strongly-held moral stance that these people should be set on fucking fire. Requiring us to treat Sodomites as human is as ridiculous as this ’round Earth’ theory.”

Former Archbishop of Canterbury Lord Carey had earlier called for judges with a “proven sensitivity and understanding of religious issues” to hear the case, threatening “civil unrest” and “rivers of blood” over recent court decisions involving Christians having to behave in a halfway civilised manner in the workplace. “Comparing someone who wants to have all homosexuals horsewhipped with a ‘bigot’ is tantamount to genocide,” he said before leading a pitchfork-and-teacup-wielding mob to Relate Avon, with signs saying “BEHEAD ANYONE WHO SLANDERS CHRISTIANITY” and “GOSH DARN THAT FREE SPEECH.”

The riots have led to questions in Parliament on Christian immigration and a Jan Moir column in the Daily Mail on the dangers of the asylum process letting “these violent God-botherers” into Britain.

“This is all terribly upsetting,” said Abu Hamza al-Masri on Thought For The Day this evening. “Can’t we all just, you know, get along and be nice to each other? It’s worth a try!”

Europe, Religion

Pope comes out as deep-cover atheist

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HOLY CRAP, Vatican City, Monday (NTN) — Joseph Ratzinger has resigned as Pope and revealed his rôle as a deep-cover atheist operative, who worked many decades to discredit the Catholic Church.

“I’m profoundly sorry I couldn’t pull the plug on the whole rotten edifice,” said Mr Ratzinger, 83, of Rome. “I’d have gone the way of John Paul I. But I’ve worked hard to cause the terrible truth to expose itself to the world.”

Soon after joining the Hitler Youth, the young Ratzinger was recruited by the atheist pagan Hitler to advance Darwinian evolution, the atheist religion, the Thule Society, the World Ice Theory and the collective Aryan unconscious. “We knew the key was getting evolution in there. My previous deep-cover report, Gene ‘Pius’ Pacelli, was as enormously helpful as ever, slipping it into Humani Generis in 1950. And getting away with it!

“From there it was simple — let reason and thought in the door and people will actually apply joined-up thinking to Catholicism, something it had no hope of withstanding. I mean, say something really blatantly stupid like ‘atheism is the cause of the greatest forms of cruelty and violations of justice,’ put our sexiest underage agents into the choirs and see how long before the world’s howling for your blood.

“And what happened to the bloke who wrote that British Foreign Office memo? They shuffled him sideways to another job! Honestly, real life outdoes jokes every time.”

Mr Ratzinger plans to retire to his home town of Marktl in southern Germany. “It’s a great relief to come clean after all this time,” he said. “I’m very much looking forward to using this ‘penis’ thing at long, long last. Woo hoo, bevy of bouncing buxom Bavarian babes, here I come! So to speak.”

Richard Dawkins, who had recently revealed his Doctorate in Divinity, was more than a little put out. “I’m most annoyed no-one made this much fuss when I said I liked Christmas services at my local Church of England. I’m trying to give as many clues as possible here, you know.” He retreated to his office with a bottle of Irish whiskey and a Vicar of Dibley box set.

Politics, Religion, United Kingdom

Devil sells soul to Mandelson

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THE NINTH CIRCLE, Westminster, Saturday (NTN) — Lucifer, the Angel of Light and Ruler of Hell, has undertaken an unEarthly deal with Peter Mandelson to hold on to power.

Mandelson, Prince of DarknessIn return, Hell will be able to keep one hospital, two schools and a single public toilet in the face of government cuts, although the recruitment of doctors, nurses and teachers will continue to depend on the death rate of priests, nuns and those who are struck off the GMC register for gross misconduct in Staffordshire. Litterers will continue to be responsible for voluntary street cleaning.

Lord Mandelson has done a roaring trade in second-hand souls. Recent sellers include Tony Blair and Gordon Brown. Six thousand years ago, Lucifer famously led the rebellion in Heaven after offering to sell his soul to Mr Mandelson for success. The deal fell apart, however, as all such Faustian pacts do, with Lucifer reassigned to a new job as Satan, Prince of Lies, in the bowels of Hell at the centre of the Earth, intermittently being prodded with a pitchfork by Alastair Campbell.

“Peter did apologise for the job change, returned my soul only slightly soiled, and explained in detail how casting me into disgrace in perpetuity was absolutely necessary to the stability of the system,” said Lucifer. “Practical process and a functional Constitution are, of course, of vast importance. After all, six thousand years and not a single coup d’état in Heaven! … Wait a minute …”

Lucifer was not entirely convinced of the merits of the Digital Economy Bill. “But anything that helps the record companies helps me, I do have management slots to fill.”

Lucifer was sceptical as to David Cameron’s chances of success at appearing to sell the Tories’ souls to Heaven. “At least I’m sure of a place in Hell after June,” he said. “Imagine being damned to Westminster for all eternity.”

Ireland, Religion

Irish bishop: “Sexy kids should pay”

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KINGDOM OF HEAVEN ON EARTH, My Trousers, Tuesday (Vatican Rag) — Bishop Dennis Brennan has asked that the €10.5 million bill for clerical child sex abuse cases in the Ferns diocese be paid by those responsible: “Those damned sexy children.”

The doctrine of original sin notes that Adam was handed the apple by an altar boy, requiring the sin to be expiated by direct application of “the body of Christ, or representative on Earth thereof.” The impossibility of resisting the tender loins of a choirboy is well known to theologians, as detailed in the Papal encyclical Caritas in Sodomitica concerning the knowing and malicious efforts of sultry underage boy-Jezebels deliberately targeting the sanctity of the priestly vow of celibacy.

Bishop Brennan noted, however, that he knew of no such cases happening in his diocese, “and also I wasn’t there when they happened, and you can’t prove I was.”

Ferns Diocese has around 100,000 Catholics and 80 parishes. “Those unable to make a cash donation will of course be able to contribute in kind,” said Bishop Brennan somewhat breathlessly and flushing slightly.

The Appeal Appeal was launched last night on RTÉ, with a gala telethon featuring international guests the Cappella Giulia of St. Peter’s Basilica, led by Angelo Balducci, and the Regensburg Boys’ Choir, led by the Pope’s brother.

The Roman Catholic Church is the world’s largest and longest-running organised paedophile ring.

Politics, Religion, United States

Socialist Muslim Obama meets Atheist hate groups to destroy US

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DEATH PANEL, American Heartland, the End Times (NTN) — As part of ongoing efforts to destroy everything America stands for, foreign-born election stealer Barack Hussein Obama openly conspired at the White House on Friday with his liberal Atheist masters.

I, RobotRepresentatives of the Secular Coalition for America, an umbrella group which includes American Atheists, the Council for Secular Humanism and a bloodthirsty coalition of Communists, Feminazis, Homosexuals, Evolutionists, Readers and other unAmericans, visited the White House Friday, in “the first time in history a presidential administration has met for a policy briefing with the American nontheist community, so as to better ruin the economy, your lives and your community.”

President Barack Obama was not scheduled to make an appearance at the meeting, but it is understood that he was to take clear direction from his French controllers.

“It is one thing for Administration to meet with groups of varying viewpoints,” said Council Nedd of In God We Trust, “but it is quite another to sit down with one we disapprove of. These are some of the most hate-filled, anti-religious groups in the nation. It is clear that Mr Hussein Obama will send all good, true and decent Americans to concentration camps, where those failing the literacy test will be sent to the gas chamber. The bankers who destroyed the economy were Atheists! Well. Jews. Same thing.”

Over 13 percent of the population is considered “non-religious,” an even greater number than alleged homosexuals and evolutionists. The atheists advocate such destructive notions as separation of Church and State, considered responses rather than gut reactions to crises and a minimum fifth-grade reading level for all. In addition, they are thought to favour the use of logic, consistency and joined-up thinking.

“I was religious before,” said Mr Obama, “but you people are the best evidence I’ve ever seen that there is no God.”

Religion, United Kingdom

Church of Satan targets toddlers in recruitment drive

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CRACKER BARREL, City of Dis, Friday (NTN) — The Church of Satan is reaching out to schools and playgroups to attract more young people into the faith and cull the nation’s goat population, amid fears that a generation of children have become disconnected from religion.

The Church will also establish breakfast, homework, sports and sacrificial orgy clubs in schools to ensure as many young people as possible have “life-enhancing encounters with the Satanic faith and the person of our Unholy Master Beelzebub,” says the internal planning document Goating for Growth.

“We need to reconsider how we engage with and express Satan’s wrath to this generation of children and young people, whoever and wherever they may be. Children are vicious little arseholes by nature, so it shouldn’t be too hard. The challenge is how to creatively offer young persons encounters with the Satanic faith and its beliefs. Except those little shits playing music on their mobiles on the bus, they can star in tonight’s sacrifice.”

The policies, which include providing religious materials to schools to help them abide by the curriculum requirement to provide a daily act of worship, have been criticised by secular campaigners.

“I’m not sure they’re much better than the Christians,” said Richard Dawkins, “particularly considering how many of them are also bishops in the Church of England. Let’s face it, if the Church of England was relying on Christians it’d be sharing a room with the Flat Earth Society.

“The Satanists’ approach to religion is entirely too namby-pamby and hands-off. They’ve also stopped inviting me to the midnight orgies ever since I was kind enough to point out to them in detail the logical errors in their faith while they were naked, screaming, drenched in goat’s blood and orgasmically invoking fell spirits with random coupling and loud enthusiasm. This demonstrates their deficiencies with regards to intellectual rigor.”

Europe, Religion

Holy See declares “unique copyright” on priestly molestations

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DOPE ON A ROPE, Rome, Saturday (NTN) — The Vatican® has stated that the rape© of children by Catholic™ priests is protected by a “special and unique” copyright, and anyone attempting to discuss the matter will be sued, excommunicated and declared a Suppressive Person.

“Recent years have witnessed a great increase of affection and esteem for the person of the Holy Father™, L. Benedict Ratzinger®,” said the statement. “As such, any person or organisation seeking to name, defame or allude to His Holiness®, any of his Bishops™ or Priests™, or any activities of any of said persons in any capacity, shall be deemed to have violated the Sacred Covenant of Berne, to be a ‘no case gain’ Suppressive Person and to be duly excommunicated and sued into atomic dust. ALWAYS ATTACK, NEVER DEFEND.”

Evidence only recently brought to light, “which we can’t show you, it’s copyright,” apparently demonstrates that playwright William Shakespeare™ was secretly Catholic. “So we’re claiming copyright in everything he did too. And Francis Bacon™. And the Earl of Oxford™.”

The Church’s lawyers have worked hard to defend their intellectual property rights on such creative works as those of the Irish priests upon their young charges that only recently came to light. “Our determination to protect and preserve the rights to view, discuss or know about these three-dimensional kinetic performance works, and our tour support for the priests to take these works ‘on the road’ to new parishes, demonstrates the unimpeachable sincerity of our stance — firmly behind the artists. Legs wide, of course.”

The Pope™ himself has been appalled at the reaction to his recent decision to beatify Adolf Hitler, and described his visit to the Pius XII memorial as “an upsetting encounter with cruelty and senseless hatred. I didn’t like it much either.”