GRUB STREET RETIREMENT VILLAGE, Times Old Roman, back when this were all fields (Mediocre Grauniad) — The Guardian Media Group has asked the Government to examine Google News and other content aggregators, claiming they contribute insufficiently to their income.

“The newspapers put their content up on the web for free and then Google, the freeloading bastards, tell people where to find it. We told them to pay up or stop using our stuff, and they said OK, they’d stop using our stuff!

“We need the Government to bring back balance, ‘balance’ defined as being able to make them give us money because we want it. You’d think the Internet wasn’t invented to give newspapers and record companies free money!”

The newspaper group argues that traffic from search engines doesn’t make up the cost of producing the content. “Ad revenue has collapsed, so search engine traffic doesn’t bring in enough views to pay for itself. Our inability to sell ads is clearly Google’s problem.”

The Guardian suggests the exploration of new models that “require fair acknowledgement of the value that our content creates, both on our own site through advertising and ‘at the edges’ in the world of search and aggregation. Basically, they should just give us money because we want it. And the music industry too. How about a bailout? Go on, gi’s it.”

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OMG, Onoez, every day (NNN) — Civilisation is facing imminent doom from dirty bomb attacks, a credit crisis, a cash crisis and morning-after pills for 11-year-old underclass children.

Further harbingers of the end of all things include your teeth being rotted out of your head by eating five pieces of fruit a day, NHS superbugs that mutter taunts into patients’ ears before dissolving their flesh, people downloading music and films and, of course, Google Street View.

“An explosion in London could destroy your presently fantastic and wonderful way of life,” said Home Secretary Jacqui Smith. “Beautiful boss, lovely coworkers, marvellous housemates and all. However, our CCTV network will keep you safe at all times. Please present your papers to the nice policeman. Keep calm and carry on. Your courage, your cheerfulness, your resolution will bring us victory. Smile!”

In an attempt to stave off inevitable disaster, the Metro, the London Paper and London Lite are cooperating to help save the world by telling anyone not recycling their paper that they have personally doomed the planet, and never mind them printing ridiculous quantities of disposable rubbish without even a very good Sudoku and turning every Tube train into a rolling landfill site. The campaign will be illustrated with pictures of students in bikinis.

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GRUB STREET, Metro, eternally (NNN) — Britain has said farewell to ___ at the end of an unprecedented week of mourning.

It was an event made by the incredible upsurge of popular feeling in Britain and around the world. Before she died, some may have been hoping that she would grow old, her celebrity would dim and she would be quietly interred in relative obscurity. Even when she died, nobody anticipated the scale of this popular rising.

A ___ mile procession brought her coffin to ___, where politicians and celebrities joined the family in a subdued congregation. Amongst the congregation were such celebrities as ___ and ___. Over ___ people lined the route of her final journey. Some of the crowd wept, some applauded quietly, but most watched in silence.

On top of the coffin was a poignant reminder that this woman known to millions was also a mother — a card to “Mummy” from her sons, ___ and ___, who joined family walking behind the coffin.

Family members read tributes to her at the funeral service. “She was the very essence of compassion,” said ___. ”

There is no question: she was truly the people’s ___.

FIFTY-SEVEN CHANNELS, Neither Rare Nor Well-Done, forever (Mediocre Grauniad) — The heavily-promoted new series of Mad Men on BBC4 has failed to boost the channel’s ratings, with twenty-four viewers tuning in on Tuesday night, losing out to thirty-six viewers of ITV3’s Ladies of Letters and thirty-three for Sky Three’s reality TV hit I’m The Bottom Of A Barrel, Get Me Out Of Here.

All viewers turned out to be newspaper television critics, desperate for uncovered new areas to report on and anything at all to turn into copy.

The show was also beaten in the ratings by people’s dogs watching BBC Parliament, a YouTube video of a kitten jumping off a table and a nostalgic DVD of the little white dot fading into the distance you used to get on black-and-white televisions.

Advertisers are leaving in droves, turning down the opportunity to pay 50p for a half-hour infomercial on UKTV Home Shopping 7 and instead giving it to tramps to shout the product’s name at random commuters at bus stops.

TV executives blame BitTorrent downloads and the existence of computers in general for the decline in viewing figures and asked again for a chunk of the BBC license fee and a tax on all Internet connections, to be paid directly to them. And a pony. “Just keep giving us money, we’ll tell you when it’s enough.”

Blue Peter (fifty-eight viewers) will run tomorrow a special on how to make television ratings out of string, cheese, toilet rolls and cat litter. A grown-up will need to handle the scissors.

TORCHWOOD THREE, Cardiff, Monday (NNN) — Actor John Barrowman has apologised for exposing himself on live radio on Sunday evening. Two complaints were received about the incident, from listeners J. Ross and R. Brand. “We are appalled and outraged,” they said. “We told the Daily Mail and they thought it was funny.”

Barrowman apologised for any offence caused. “I was joining in the light-hearted and fun banter of the show and went too far. I was wrong to do this and it will never happen again. Next time I’ll just say I am and not actually do so. This will make all the difference to our lovely Daily Mail-reading listeners, every one of whom I would have a romantic interlude with. Except I’m gay and married.”

Georgina Baillie was shocked. “I’m shocked, I am. Sure he doesn’t go for girls just a bit? Maybe after a few drinks when his friends aren’t there to see?”

A BBC spokeswoman said: “We do feel that the programme overstepped the mark. We are determined that lessons will be learned from this incident. All BBC radio shows going forward will contain only simulated willy exposures, with the willy exposure substituted with a Radiophonic Workshop sound effect. Probably some sort of ‘Ba-DOING!’ sound, a processed version of the sound of a wooden ruler vibrating on a desk. Everyone loves that one. In addition, we will talk about Y-fronts and boxer shorts rather than willies and balls.”