FACEFUL O’ HEID, Glasgae Airport, Monday (NNN) — A doctor accused of driving a policy framework laden with PFI contracts and incendiary management performance bonuses into an already beleaguered National Health Service has admitted his deliberate intent to cause terror and demoralise the British populace.
But he told a jury he never wanted to kill or injure anyone. “Not actively or directly. Or where I could see it happening.”
The defence has said that Dr Ara Darzi wanted to highlight the plight of the people of New Labour with a series of dispiriting distractions starting in June 2007.
Lord Darzi told the jury that after attacks on several trusts had failed, he planned to flee to the inner sanctums of the Ministry for Health, because it would be “much easier to disappear” in a bureaucratic quagmire.
But as he approached the payoff, he suddenly swerved into the opposition and press without warning and was pulled from his vehicle and had the shit kicked out of him by a large Scotsman named Gordon.
Biological agents were also involved, in preparation for “a cross-NHS Clostridium Difficile Flower Show. They wanted a shrubbery. A nice one, mind you.”
The trial was adjourned today as prosecutors were held up in Accident and Emergency for five hours behind several belligerent drunks.
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CHANNEL 5, Wapping, Friday (NNN) — New findings printed today in all papers and broadcast on ITV, Channel 4 and Channel 5 reveal that television is “virtually a mental vitamin” for intelligence and emotional well-being. In addition, it helps treat arrhythmia, psoriasis, tooth decay, distemper, dropsy, haemorrhoids and impotence, and lets you see through clothes.
The findings were revealed today by the study’s funders, a consortium of commercial television broadcasters and newspaper proprietors. They have recommended that watching television and reading printed newspapers be made mandatory as a public health measure, and that the Internet be renamed “The Paedophile Channel” as a warning to possible users.
“Regular television viewers have a deeper understanding of popular culture, are up-to-the-minute on artistic ideas of the moment and have something to talk to their co-workers about the next day,” said Dr Desmond Murdoch. “The quick-fix nature of televisual gratification accumulates and quickly becomes permanent. The tightly-scripted performance brilliance of thirty-second messages provides the viewer’s necessary daily dose of thoughtful mental stimulation and wit.
“I met a scientist once,” said Dr Murdoch. “Well, he said he was a scientist. He handed me a remarkably large cheque.”
Further results from the research group are expected to include revelations that jaffa cakes, crisps and Coca-Cola are “fruit” for the purposes of achieving one’s government-mandated five portions a day, and that snake oil liniment does all it is claimed to.
“It lets you see through clothes, man,” emphasised Dr Murdoch.
2ND FLOOR, 25 Gordon Street, Friday (NNN) — Researchers from University College, London have found that light drinking during pregnancy does no harm to the baby. This contradict NHS advice in recent years that expectant mothers who look at a glass of wine will have a child with two heads, no head, extra arms or a tail or who risks sleeping with Russell Brand.
“It has to be the good stuff,” said Dr Yvonne Kelly. “Merlot does well. A real ale child will be a beardy geek, though with a shorter beard if a girl. Vodka and smoke machines induce Georgina Baillie. Carling causes what we used to call ‘foetal alcohol syndrome’ but is actually just perfectly normal blithering stupidity and ugliness. Dom Perignon will produce an obnoxious braying lackwit and may explain Otis Ferry.”
Pregnant women across the land told the researchers to shut up and get out the bloody way as they bloody needed a drink bloody now and waddled off to the pub.
The Department of Health still maintains that avoiding alcohol altogether is the safest option during pregnancy. “We firmly believe that the female of the species should be assumed to be far too foolish to sensibly moderate its own behaviour,” said Sir Liam Donaldson, “and anyway, our arses are covered if we can blame the patient.”
Newspaper proprietors were most pleased to be able to run even more pictures of large breasts on apparently serious news stories, as long as there was a large belly in there too. Or not, if they couldn’t find a file photo in time.
WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Morning Commuter Time (NNN) — British scientists have uncovered why little girls like pink toys. “Women are hardwired to like pink,” says Professor Gene Hunt of the University of Metro, “because their cavewoman foremothers spent their days gathering red leaves and berries amongst the trees.” Later, women needed to notice red-faced babies and blushing boyfriends. Men are attracted to blue because of the colour of the sky as seen when hunting.
Women are also predisposed to backstab one another in the workplace and cry in the boardroom, just like the social structures in the cave population as extrapolated from these two bone needles. Being too successful will increase women’s testosterone, giving them hairy nipples and male-pattern baldness. Females joining the hunt may also explain the end of the Neanderthals.
IQ test studies show that women have lower IQs on average than men, undoubtedly from lesser need for environmental variation while taking care of the cave. Tests on little boys prove that testosterone correlates with a sense of humour, which is why women just can’t take a joke. Housework has been shown to cut the risk of several fatal diseases, and dressing up nicely around the house is psychologically healthy as it uses the Homo erectus clan maintenance abilities of the female of the tribe.
Men are naturally predisposed to sleep with as many women as possible, as proven by lions, whereas women are naturally predisposed to stay loyal to their man and their spawn. Women who sleep around are at increased risk of parasites and death, as proven by cheetahs, who are a pack of catty sluts.
In a final crowning achievement, the team has shown that daily fellatio greatly reduces the incidence of breast cancer. Furthermore, regular sexual intercourse is essential to feminine health, but may be injurious if prolonged for more than two minutes or conducted while the man is sober.
“In conclusion,” says Professor Hunt, “all of this is top-notch science that you can absolutely rely on. Now get your knickers back on and make me a cuppa.”
PARK HOSPITAL, Bevan, Thursday (NNN) — Mothers-to-be are to be offered gift vouchers and beauty treatments to encourage them to give up smoking, the NHS has announced.
“Simply highlighting the dangers of smoking in pregnancy is not always enough,” said Help 2 Quit director Kevin Lewis. “In one focus group of pregnant smokers, 13 out of 15 women suggested vouchers would be a good incentive to give up. They were quite specific on the selection of shops.”
Smoking in women of fertile age has since risen 25%. “We was gunna go to Lakeside,” said Chardonnay Pleb of Chelmsford, “but they said I’d drawn the second line on my stick. Cheeky cow! Just ’cos their test’s broken. Or I had a spontaneous miscarriage at one week, between my test and their one. Gi’s my fackin’ vouchers!”
The NHS is also considering a voucher scheme as incentive for hospitals to clean sufficiently well that attending will be less hazardous to mothers and babies than smoking would be.
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OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Whitehall, Thursday (NNN) — In a bid to “scare smokers straight,” cigarette packets will warn of the terrible consequences of smoking by featuring pictures of famous long-term cigarette addicts, such as the blackened teeth, rotting lungs, ashtray odour and star quality of such sad and benighted specimens as Keith Richards, Lemmy, Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty.
Sir Liam Donaldson of the Department of Health said, “We are confident that fear and loathing at the thought of looking like a rock star will ignite the flame of God’s holy light in the heart of the vile, skulking, heathen nicotinist and inspire him to stand proud and tall against the demon weed. Moral purity is more than enough to overcome a trivial chemical dependence on a substance more addictive than heroin.”
Packets previously featured textual warnings such as “SMOKING SHRINKS YOUR COCK”, “SMOKING: YOU LOOK LIKE AN OFFICE WORKER” and “SMOKING: HURRY UP AND DIE, YOU STINKY TWAT.” However, a thriving trade in packets commenced where single men would look for “SMOKING HARMS YOUR BABY” and misanthropes would look for “SMOKING HARMS OTHERS AROUND YOU.”
“THIS IS THE NANNY STATE AT WORK,” said Simon Clark of smoker’s rights group We’re Not A Front For British-American Tobacco Honest through the electronic voice box that had replaced his larynx. “NEXT WILL BE ID CARDS FOR SMOKERS AND CCTV CAMERAS IN CIGARETTE PACKETS. IT’S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD. WHAT WOULD GEORGE THE SIXTH SAY. LORD LOVE A DUCK. EXTERMINATE.”
“This should be at least as effective as the pictures of the teenage boy in the anti-heroin ads in the eighties,” said Sir Liam. “The one with the cheekbones, who all the girls liked … Kids, just say no to drugs!”
SOYLENT GREY, London EC1, Monday (NNN) — The Organ Donation Taskforce has delivered its report to the Department of Health, recommending presumed consent and an opt-out system for organ donations, particularly from surplus bankers.
The “Banks for Banks” initiative was launched with tremendous fanfare today as a group of newly-redundant Lehman Brothers employees proceeded to tear their bosses limb from limb. The ice for the champagne proved adequate to the task of preserving the bodily parts until they could be taken to a hospital and scanned for sexually transmissible infections, cocaine-induced septicaemia and mad cow disease.
Transplant surgeons have long lamented the non-opening windows at Canary Wharf, which would have tremendously helped the nation’s organ banks as well as the post-collapse job market.
Secretary of State for Health Alan Johnson praised the tremendous progress Department of Health researchers had made in reprocessing City bankers into something actually useful to humanity. “London will never again want for speed humps, shooting targets or anus transplants.”
A law will be passed that City traders who opt out from the European Working Time Directive will be presumed to have consented to being rendered down. “After a few weeks of that you’re the walking dead anyway.”
Chancellor Alistair Darling promised to safeguard the jobs of 1,500 Bradford & Bingley mortgage staff for six months after the nationalisation of the bank’s lending business, at which point almost all of them started arranging to emigrate.
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SECURITY EIGHTPLEX, Whitehall Odeon, Monday (NNN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown has hailed the launch of the UK Council for Child Internet Safety as a “path-breaking” new diversion designed to protect the most vulnerable members of society: “The politicians.”
He said, “The internet provides a world of entertainment, of opportunity and knowledge, but, most importantly, distraction. We must put in place the press campaign we need to appear to be keeping our children safe online. Scientists have proven that paedophilia did not exist before the Internet, and was invented by Gary Glitter as the result of a ‘Rule 34’ jest.”
The Council was formed based on recommendations from television psychologist Dr Tanya Byron’s report Gi’s A Consultancy Go On Gi’s It. It will police the web, take down harmful sites — since all web servers are under UK jurisdiction — and monitor the Wikipedia entries of Government ministers. UK-based web hosts will be made an offer they cannot refuse to sign up to a voluntary code of conduct. Reports of hosting providers in other countries gleefully rubbing their hands together are unconfirmed.
Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said the Home Office would do everything it could to present the appearance of effectiveness. “This is not mere ‘security theatre.’ We are aiming for ‘security 3-D movies with fantastic CGI special effects.’ And a ‘security Punch and Judy show’ for the little ones. We can prevent bullying! And people being rude in chat rooms! And bum jokes! Our consultants, EDS Capita Goatse, have made us a most reasonable offer to take on this work, and only charged us £500,000 so far for thinking about the matter.”
Dr Byron welcomed the prompt creation of the Council. “The UK is a world leader on internet safety for children, and I look forward to collecting a truly spectacular ongoing income stream.”
The Prime Minister will be kept directly informed of the Council’s progress, using the same technology that provides Internet petitions to his office. He further promises to pay every bit as much attention.
THE LAB, Borg Cube, Tuesday (NotScientist) — Dedicated Monsanto geneticists, working for the good of humanity and a badly-written space filler in the newspapers, have produced a fabulous array of valuable new cash crops with 100% all-natural artificial flavors that developing countries can grow to pay the interest on their ludicrous debts to the International Monetary Fund.
“Bananas that taste like banana flavoring!” said Cylon Number Six of Monsanto Public Relations. “Strawberries that taste like strawberry flavoring! Brewed coffee that tastes like instant! I was really disappointed the time I ate a strawberry as a kid, it didn’t taste anything like strawberry flavor. Now your kids will never have to suffer the same way.”
The wholly natural artificial flavoring builds on examples from nature: bacon with the magical taste of bacon, Quorn with the magical taste of Quorn and Budweiser with the magical taste of urine. The latter example also produces urine with the magical taste of Budweiser.
Some flavors for specialist niches were not a success. “Ice cream that tastes like vanilla dental dams turned out too gritty for the lesbian market, probably because no-one actually uses them.” Authentic™ ManJuice™ chewing gum for the gay market was considered too “outré” at this time, as no-one could actually bring themselves to use the word “tasteless.”
The company looks forward to continuing to feed the world at very reasonable rates on heavily patented non-breeding seed. “Without us, the poor would starve. Starve, you hear? Naturally grown Big Macs with the magical taste of a New Jersey chemical vat will save the world. Anyone who hates Monsanto hates humanity and probably turns tortoises upside-down in the desert,” said Six, nibbling on a Red Dye No. 1 fruit fresh off the vine. “We do what we must because we can.”
PAGE 3, Wapping, Saturday (Norks News Network) — A new breast cancer treatment has led to new hope for newspaper proprietors being able to run more pictures of topless women with one hand over their breasts.
The story follows mere days after earlier stories concerning red meat, carbohydrates, drinking, high levels of daily stress and deodorant causing breast cancer, stories concerning bone cancer drugs, prostate cancer drugs, a “happy outlook” and high levels of daily stress preventing breast cancer and, of course, several close-ups of Kylie Minogue’s bottom.
“It’s been a bumper season,” said Grub Street mogul Desmond Murdoch, “so to speak. We’ve actually had to find a third and fourth file photo of a topless woman with a hand over her breasts. Though we ran a fabulous two-page spread of a self-examination conducted by Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey, who wants to grow up to work with cute puppies and children and be in Nuts next month.”
Additional opportunities were provided by the Portsmouth University breast biomechanics team, who actually managed to get paid money to find out that “breasts move up to 21cm during exercise and they move up and down, in and out and from side to side,” although further funding and DVD duplication equipment is apparently required before final results can be produced.
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