FACEFUL O’ HEID, Glasgae Airport, Monday (NNN) — A doctor accused of driving a policy framework laden with PFI contracts and incendiary management performance bonuses into an already beleaguered National Health Service has admitted his deliberate intent to cause terror and demoralise the British populace.

But he told a jury he never wanted to kill or injure anyone. “Not actively or directly. Or where I could see it happening.”

The defence has said that Dr Ara Darzi wanted to highlight the plight of the people of New Labour with a series of dispiriting distractions starting in June 2007.

Lord Darzi told the jury that after attacks on several trusts had failed, he planned to flee to the inner sanctums of the Ministry for Health, because it would be “much easier to disappear” in a bureaucratic quagmire.

But as he approached the payoff, he suddenly swerved into the opposition and press without warning and was pulled from his vehicle and had the shit kicked out of him by a large Scotsman named Gordon.

Biological agents were also involved, in preparation for “a cross-NHS Clostridium Difficile Flower Show. They wanted a shrubbery. A nice one, mind you.”

The trial was adjourned today as prosecutors were held up in Accident and Emergency for five hours behind several belligerent drunks.

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2ND FLOOR, 25 Gordon Street, Friday (NNN) — Researchers from University College, London have found that light drinking during pregnancy does no harm to the baby. This contradict NHS advice in recent years that expectant mothers who look at a glass of wine will have a child with two heads, no head, extra arms or a tail or who risks sleeping with Russell Brand.

“It has to be the good stuff,” said Dr Yvonne Kelly. “Merlot does well. A real ale child will be a beardy geek, though with a shorter beard if a girl. Vodka and smoke machines induce Georgina Baillie. Carling causes what we used to call ‘foetal alcohol syndrome’ but is actually just perfectly normal blithering stupidity and ugliness. Dom Perignon will produce an obnoxious braying lackwit and may explain Otis Ferry.”

Pregnant women across the land told the researchers to shut up and get out the bloody way as they bloody needed a drink bloody now and waddled off to the pub.

The Department of Health still maintains that avoiding alcohol altogether is the safest option during pregnancy. “We firmly believe that the female of the species should be assumed to be far too foolish to sensibly moderate its own behaviour,” said Sir Liam Donaldson, “and anyway, our arses are covered if we can blame the patient.”

Newspaper proprietors were most pleased to be able to run even more pictures of large breasts on apparently serious news stories, as long as there was a large belly in there too. Or not, if they couldn’t find a file photo in time.

PARK HOSPITAL, Bevan, Thursday (NNN) — Mothers-to-be are to be offered gift vouchers and beauty treatments to encourage them to give up smoking, the NHS has announced.

“Simply highlighting the dangers of smoking in pregnancy is not always enough,” said Help 2 Quit director Kevin Lewis. “In one focus group of pregnant smokers, 13 out of 15 women suggested vouchers would be a good incentive to give up. They were quite specific on the selection of shops.”

Smoking in women of fertile age has since risen 25%. “We was gunna go to Lakeside,” said Chardonnay Pleb of Chelmsford, “but they said I’d drawn the second line on my stick. Cheeky cow! Just ’cos their test’s broken. Or I had a spontaneous miscarriage at one week, between my test and their one. Gi’s my fackin’ vouchers!”

The NHS is also considering a voucher scheme as incentive for hospitals to clean sufficiently well that attending will be less hazardous to mothers and babies than smoking would be.

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OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Whitehall, Thursday (NNN) — In a bid to “scare smokers straight,” cigarette packets will warn of the terrible consequences of smoking by featuring pictures of famous long-term cigarette addicts, such as the blackened teeth, rotting lungs, ashtray odour and star quality of such sad and benighted specimens as Keith Richards, Lemmy, Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty.

Sir Liam Donaldson of the Department of Health said, “We are confident that fear and loathing at the thought of looking like a rock star will ignite the flame of God’s holy light in the heart of the vile, skulking, heathen nicotinist and inspire him to stand proud and tall against the demon weed. Moral purity is more than enough to overcome a trivial chemical dependence on a substance more addictive than heroin.”

Packets previously featured textual warnings such as “SMOKING SHRINKS YOUR COCK”, “SMOKING: YOU LOOK LIKE AN OFFICE WORKER” and “SMOKING: HURRY UP AND DIE, YOU STINKY TWAT.” However, a thriving trade in packets commenced where single men would look for “SMOKING HARMS YOUR BABY” and misanthropes would look for “SMOKING HARMS OTHERS AROUND YOU.”

“THIS IS THE NANNY STATE AT WORK,” said Simon Clark of smoker’s rights group We’re Not A Front For British-American Tobacco Honest through the electronic voice box that had replaced his larynx. “NEXT WILL BE ID CARDS FOR SMOKERS AND CCTV CAMERAS IN CIGARETTE PACKETS. IT’S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD. WHAT WOULD GEORGE THE SIXTH SAY. LORD LOVE A DUCK. EXTERMINATE.”

“This should be at least as effective as the pictures of the teenage boy in the anti-heroin ads in the eighties,” said Sir Liam. “The one with the cheekbones, who all the girls liked … Kids, just say no to drugs!”