WILD WEST END, Baker Street, Sunday (NTN) — The online encyclopedia Wikileaks stands accused of revealing the ending of The Mousetrap, recklessly endangering the income of Agatha Christie’s descendants.

“My grandmother always got upset if the plots of her books or plays were revealed in reviews,” said Matthew Prichard, who personally put in the years of hard-working effort one would expect it to take to accumulate the stream of income from the play when it was given to him as a ninth birthday present, “and I don’t think that a site whose purpose is supplying encyclopedic information just going and supplying encyclopedic information is any different as far as my money is concerned. They should go and get real jobs, like decent working people. But it’s not a question of money, or anything like that.”

The article on The Mousetrap reveals that Vader is Luke’s father, Rosebud was Kane’s sled, Kristin shot J.R. and Snape in turn was killed by John Seigenthaler. And something about a war in Afghanistan and shooting journalists.

The encyclopedia does, however, include a comprehensive spoiler warning, noting that they use the forward motion of a car to push it down, helping the tyres grip the road better — thus slowing the car down, rather than speeding it up. Barryboys across east London pointed out the unreliability of Wikileaks as a source and questioned the veracity of the references.

BACK IN THE BLACK, Camden High Street, Thursday (N! News) — Celebrity gossip star Amy Winehouse will diversify her career to something to do with music, she told incredulous reporters today.

“I’ve always felt a musical urge,” she said today, “humming tunes to myself as I snorted the streets of Camden clean. It’s gunna have these ‘songs’ on it, right. We’ll put on about a record’s worth. Yeah. I’m gunna make these noises, right, with my mouth, over the top of the music. I know, it sounds weird, but it could be really good! Prob’ly!”

Miss Winehouse is famed as the “go-to” celebrity for the paparazzo down on his quota, having worked extensively with the finest terrible tattooists and plastic surgeons to make her image instantly recognisable.

“In fact, I actually made a record several years ago,” she claimed to laughter from the assembled journalists. “I wouldn’t expect people to remember back that far, of course.”

Professor Richard Dawkins spoke out against “pop music charlatanry.” “These people expect to take our money for the most transparent of lies, such as Amy Winehouse having anything whatsoever to do with music. If you have evidence that Amy Winehouse has anything to do with music, why not show it and be hailed as the new Einstein? Of course, we know you cannot — because you are a fraud.

“Still, I’ll credit them for not trying to claim Cheryl Cole had anything to do with music. That would simply be ridiculous.”

TIN ARM ALLEY, Public NME, Friday (N! News) — Take That star Mark Owen last night sensationally confessed to having been caught by The Sun shagging his dick off and getting stupendously pissed in the process.

The “squeaky clean” multi-millionaire singer opened his heart to his tabloid blackmailers in a bid to wipe the slate clean and start afresh with Gary Barlow. He broke the news of his cheating to Barlow, surrogate mother of the band.

“I am deeply disappointed,” said Barlow. “On the other hand, it’s not like he’s that Williams cunt.”

The singer blamed enormous sums of money and huge fame for the opportunity to shag most things in a skirt with a pulse, leading millions of the chart-topping band’s adoring fans, who are now generally of legal age, to conclude that a bit of Take That cock is actually an achievable possibility.

“I have been an idiot, a dickhead,” said Owen, “to let a tabloid catch me at it. On the other hand, advertising my openness to several bits on the side will be good future marketing for when I’m in the mood for a handy bit of disposable totty. Also, I can afford much higher quality alcohol than almost everyone,” he said, raising a glass of shipwrecked 1907 Heidsieck champagne. “Drink?”

Owen and wife Emma married in a Scottish castle last October, watched by smiling bandmates Gary Barlow, Howard Donald and Jason Orange, Robbie Williams having been left gaffer-taped naked to a lamp post with his cock painted red on the buck’s night.