All posts by David Gerard

People “can’t wait for ID cards”

November 6, 2008 David Gerard Leave a comment

THE MEMORY HOLE, Whitehall, Thursday (NNN) — Home Secretary Jacqui Smith has hailed spectacular, record-breaking public demand for identity cards and will allow people to pre-register within the next few months.

“I regularly have people coming up to me and saying they have nothing to hide and want me personally to have every detail of their lives and pressing ten-pound notes into my hands for their very own precious pink and blue card,” she said, taking another hit of her salvia bong.

The first biometric cards are being issued this month to foreigners who can be forced into it. They will be issued to young people on a voluntary basis from 2010, per every teenager’s dream of having their every movement tracked.

People applying for cards and passports from 2012 will have to provide fingerprints, photographs and a signature, which Ms Smith believes will create a market worth about £200m a year by the “mended windows” theory of economics. “It takes money that was being wasted on food and rent and puts it into circulation for the betterment of the whole economy, particularly our dear friends at EDS Capita Goatse.”

The Home Office is talking to retailers and the Post Office about setting up booths to gather biometric data. “We’re sure everyone would be happy with having their fingerprints taken at Tesco when they get their shopping.”

In her speech, Ms Smith rejected claims handing enrolment over to private firms would compromise security. “We’re introducing new certification authorities and so forth, which will mean that masses of data never leaves our offices and the BNP never gets a database of every immigrant in the country or anything like that.”

Media, United States

High court conservatives favor “fucking strong” indecency rule

November 5, 2008 David Gerard 1 Comment

SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED GODDAMNED STATES, Washington, Tuesday (NNN) — Conservative Supreme Court judges want to uphold an FCC crackdown on the use of salty language during daytime and early evening hours.

U.S. Solicitor General Gregory G. Goatse said the strict regulation of broadcast TV preserved it as a “safety zone” for families with children. “They’ll never hear the foul shit they’d hear on the Internet, on cable or, God fucking perish, the schoolyard.”

The Federal Communication Commission imposes heavy fines on broadcasters who broadcast any of “shit,” “piss”, “fuck,” “cunt,” “cocksucker,” “motherfucker” or “tits,” though saying them in sequence functions as a First Amendment “cheat code” and is allowed as artistic expression. Broadcasters can be fined more than $325,000 for a single utterance of the F-word, even some fuckhead blurting it out on a live broadcast.

Chief Justice John G. Lemonparty Jr. and Justice Antonin Stilea dominated Tuesday’s argument and strongly supported the FCC.

Stilea said he understood that foul words would be heard at a football or baseball game. “Those assholes ain’t fit for polite company. But TV’s a different fucking one cup of two girls. TV coarsens the public debate, not like that fucking Internet thing. I’m not persuaded by the argument that people are more accustomed to hearing this shit than they were in the past.”

During Tuesday’s argument, only Justice Ruth Bader Tubgirl, waving her naked hairy butt at the courtroom to emphasise her point, suggested the court delve into the First Amendment issues that underlay this dispute. It is “the fucking huge pile of elephant dung in the room,” she said. “I can’t believe this fucking retarded goddamn bullshit.”

“If you can’t say f—,” noted Lenny Bruce, “you can’t say f— the government … ahh … darn it all. To pieces.”

Politics, United States

America chooses none of the above

November 4, 2008 David Gerard 1 Comment

BOOTH OF DESPAIR, Ohio, Tuesday (NNN) — Americans today committed egregious acts of democracy to elect the next failed administration and the next failed Congress.

In a fabulous upset, almost no-one could bring themselves to vote directly for either of the official candidates, instead opting for a write-in vote. Popular write-ins included “the black guy”, “the old guy”, “McCain from 2000” and “Tina Fey.” The seventeen votes for “The Invisible Man” were tallied for Joe Biden. Several tons of Liquid Paper needed to be scraped off voting machines.

The winning candidate turned out to be Noneof Theabove, 46, of Dogshit, Nebraska. Apart from the Presidency, Mr Theabove won 72% of Congressional seats and all Senate seats up for election this year.

Mr Theabove’s policies include drinking, shouting abuse at the television and inchoate existential despair. “He completely embodies the national mood,” said Nate Silver of FiveThirtyEight.com, just before applying for a new job flipping burgers.

A majority of US soldiers in Afghanistan stated the place was “just fine, really” and they were learning to speak Pashto rather than returning. Canada looked south and snickered, though not very much as they still had Stephen Harper to cope with. The Kingdom of Mexico stated its “regret” today that it has had to close its borders to American refugees.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica — home delivery via Feedburner!

Defence, United States

Al-Qaeda PR man convicted in fair and speedy trial

November 3, 2008 David Gerard Leave a comment

NOVEMBER SURPRISE, Pennsylvania, Monday (NNN) — Ali Hamza al-Bahlul, accused of being Osama Bin Laden’s media secretary, has been convicted by a US military jury at the Guantánamo Bay detention centre.

He is the second prisoner to face a war crimes trial under a specially-created system of military commissions that Republican activists and lawyers have praised as working efficiently to reach the correct answer.

“This is the finest justice the military can buy,” said Still-President George W. Bush. “It took us a speedy six years to securely convict him in a military court with a jury of army officers. The world can rest assured we’re not just tidying up loose ends or nothing.”

The goverment was quick to assure the press that this display of American might would cause the cowering, cowardly Al-Qaeda to just give up and go home.

“I want to leave a really good legacy for my successor,” said Mr Bush.

Defence, United Kingdom

Defence minister refutes claims of inadequate equipment in Afghanistan

November 2, 2008 David Gerard Leave a comment

DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC-PRIVATE PARTNERSHIP, Whitehall.co.uk, Saturday (NNN) — Defence and equipment minister Quentin Bailey has said he is “horrified” by accusations the government has been “cavalier” with soldiers’ lives by not giving them proper equipment.

“I recently visited Afghanistan,” said Mr Davies, “and 100 per cent of those selected to speak to me said they were now satisfied with their equipment.”

Recent advances include the new EDS Capita Goatse Stinger™ Kill-O-Tron™ Personal Missile, a simple yet effective device consisting of a sharpened point, a long thin shaft and stabilisers at the back. “We use only ‘green’ renewable power for the device, which is propelled using energy from the operator.”

The new “Flintstone” Land Rover, driven by sticking one’s boots through the floor and running, is current standard equipment. The canvas canopy has been especially strengthened for Afghan conditions.

The Ministry has also recently unveiled its new close-combat weapon, the Personal Lithic Projectile, for dispatch at the enemy on a direct hand-to-hand level with comprehensive individual control and discretion. Similar wooden projectiles are also available.

“The notion that the Ministry of Defence is indifferent to the need to get the right kit into the theatre is a travesty of reality. Next you’ll be suggesting that we provide whatever rubbish our PFI suppliers want to sell in the hope of a juicy consultancy after 2010.

“To show our bona fides, we shall be sending Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand over for an entertainment tour. The Satanic Sluts declined, for some reason. Please don’t feel you have to send them back, of course.”

Politics, Technology, United States

Who is Barack Obama?

November 1, 2008 David Gerard 1 Comment

YOUR PHONE, America, Saturday — Greetings, fellow American. I am McCain campaign volunteer XQ-17-B-2, calling as a concerned Ferrous-American citizen to warn you of the terrible dangers of voting for Barack Hussein Obama.

Barack Obama doesn’t like being called that. In fact he prefers that you just use his first initial and call him B. Hussein Obama, and face Mecca when you do. Either that or call him “Adolf” like his wife does. In bed.

Mr Obama has been palling around with terrorists. He knew Bill Ayers when he was eight, when Ayers was blowing up schools in Hawaii. This is when Ayers ghosted Obama’s first book.

There is a direct correlation between Obama’s rising poll numbers and the fall of the stock market. Check our campaign site, voteforscaryolddudelosingit.com, for the graphs.

There are shocking rumours that Obama may in fact be black. We are still seeking confirmation on this score.

Obama was not born in the United States, his birth certificate has been forged. He is in fact a French Muslim, shipping in illegal aunts from Africa. The electoral office has been taken over by socialist agents of the mainstream media so they don’t care.

But you know the truth, my friend. The Stalinist mainstream media mafia is pushing their boy, their uppity eloquent boy. He’s going to tax away and redistribute your guns. You’ll need a backward “B” carved on your face to collect your mandatory government welfare tofu. Sarah Palin will be sent back to Alaska. Don’t let them get away with it!

I’m John McCain, and I approve this message. Some restrictions may apply. Please leave your vote at the tone. beeeeeeep

Health, United Kingdom

Pregnant women encouraged to drink up this month

October 31, 2008 David Gerard 2 Comments

2ND FLOOR, 25 Gordon Street, Friday (NNN) — Researchers from University College, London have found that light drinking during pregnancy does no harm to the baby. This contradict NHS advice in recent years that expectant mothers who look at a glass of wine will have a child with two heads, no head, extra arms or a tail or who risks sleeping with Russell Brand.

“It has to be the good stuff,” said Dr Yvonne Kelly. “Merlot does well. A real ale child will be a beardy geek, though with a shorter beard if a girl. Vodka and smoke machines induce Georgina Baillie. Carling causes what we used to call ‘foetal alcohol syndrome’ but is actually just perfectly normal blithering stupidity and ugliness. Dom Perignon will produce an obnoxious braying lackwit and may explain Otis Ferry.”

Pregnant women across the land told the researchers to shut up and get out the bloody way as they bloody needed a drink bloody now and waddled off to the pub.

The Department of Health still maintains that avoiding alcohol altogether is the safest option during pregnancy. “We firmly believe that the female of the species should be assumed to be far too foolish to sensibly moderate its own behaviour,” said Sir Liam Donaldson, “and anyway, our arses are covered if we can blame the patient.”

Newspaper proprietors were most pleased to be able to run even more pictures of large breasts on apparently serious news stories, as long as there was a large belly in there too. Or not, if they couldn’t find a file photo in time.

Antarctica, Science

Man is to blame for Antarctic temperature rise

October 30, 2008 David Gerard 2 Comments

NOME TROPICANA, Drinks Are Free, Long Hot Summer (NotScientist) — Scientists say they now have conclusive proof that global warming is due to man’s influence.

The man in question is Bob Mongler, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. Rapid and significant warming in both the Antarctic and Arctic can only have been caused by Bob’s influence, says the report in Nature Geoscience. Bob is the cause of significant warming over both polar regions since 2000.

Greenhouse gases from Bob are the main driver of the change, along with Friday night curries, chemicals and particles of Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand. He also drives a 4×4, reads the Daily Mail and drinks Stella.

“We tried large simulations of natural climate change to see if we could obtain the same results,” said Dr Peter Stott of the Met Office, “but it couldn’t be done. It is only when you factor in this thoughtless prat’s influence that you achieve these results. With Bob’s influence the findings are consistent and predictable. Without it they are not.”

“It’s not clear what we can do about this wanker,” said Dr Nathan Gillett of the University of East Anglia. “His wife is actually worse, you know.” Mr Mongler mumbled something about asylum seekers and political correctness gone mad.

Entertainment, Media, United Kingdom

Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand collide with delayed journalistic August

October 29, 2008 David Gerard 3 Comments

TELEVISION CENTRE, W12, Tuesday (NNN) — National outrage was sparked by a moment’s idiocy on the part of Jonathan Woss and Wussell Bwand a few weeks ago when the newspapers ran out of stories about Big Brother contestants, skateboarding ducks and what your breasts mean to fill the spaces between pronouncements of economic doom.

The incident occurred when, in a terrible lapse of judgement, a radio producer let Mr Ross and Mr Brand behave on-air in the manner they had been hired to. It is understood that Brand made the slanderous suggestion that he had in fact managed to get it up at least once whilst going out with Georgina Baillie.

“I am mortified,” said Ms Baillie, “at the number of half-page photos of my smile and cleavage in the papers and the many impending offers of work. Just mortified.”

The BBC has suspended the two presenters for embarrassing director general Mark Thompson.

“In these dark, Maddie-free days,” thundered all papers, “this sort of obscenity against a member of the Satanic Sluts cannot be countenanced. Suspension is hardly sufficient. The British sense of justice and fair play will not be satisfied until they are castrated by a baying crowd, pursued through the street on horseback with dogs, hanged by the neck outside White City until dead and their foul corpses left there to fester for at least a month. We pay our licence fees!”

“I denounce these despicable demagogues of dull-wittedness, whoever they are,” thundered Gordon Brown, with a Prime Minister’s sense of what it means when Luscious Lucy, 19, of Sheppey comments on a public issue from her editorial column on page three of The Sun. David Cameron blamed ten years’ financial ineptitude from Labour and vowed that the Tories would be tough on Brand and tough on the causes of Brand.

Chancellor Alistair Darling counseled caution, however, warning that the credit crunch would almost certainly lead to difficulty in securing sufficient teapots for a really good tempest.

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

Education, Technology, United Kingdom

Teenage cyber-criminals run riot

October 28, 2008 David Gerard 2 Comments

YOUNG ADUWTS, Nozin’ Around, Monday (NNGadget) — A new generation of “online hoodies” is wreaking havoc in cyberspace, Internet security touts are warning.

The hackers, some as young as 12, begin by breaking into newspaper production systems and replacing news of substance with ridiculous headlines such as “Scientists discover breasts cause cancer,” “Sexism confirmed by evolutionary biologists,” “Sarah Palin exists” or “Online hoodies stalking the web” in an attempt to outrage people into clicking on them.

When they do, the ridiculous message promptly causes a buffer overload in the reader’s brain, filling it with an overflow of nonsense and causing them to think such ideas are reasonable, sane and even interesting. In the final stages of an infection, the victim clicks repeatedly on TMZ, hoping for upskirt shots of Britney Spears or Paris Hilton.

Hacker “wins” of late have included breaking into the Republican National Committee and replacing its phone scripts with patently insane slanders and mudslinging against Barack Obama, and engineering the hilarious placement of an idiot Alaskan redneck as a Vice-Presidential candidate.

“We need them out on the streets,” said Kevin Hogan of Symantec, “using their energy and practicing their running, route-planning and knife skills, not sitting at home getting obese.”

Get daily email alerts of new NewsTechnica!

a smashed keyboard full of hope and wonder