LITTLE BROTHER, Detroit, Sunday (NTN) — The American-based terrorist group “Department of Homeland Security” (the Arabic term for “Department of Homeland Security”) has successfully hobbled the American economy once more.

DHS stuntman Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab caused a minor conflagration aboard a Detroit-bound plane on Saturday. “It worked spectacularly well,” said his father, Nigerian banker Bnkr. Alhaji Umaru MUTALLAB. “He sent TWENTY-FIVE MILLION (25,000,000.00) Twitter messages about it. ‘Stuck on runway for 1/2hr oh well catch up on da vinci code should hv time 2 finish b4 destroying USA.’ I would have sent the full collection of messages to the authorities, but they were unfortunately unable to forward me a mere three thousand Twitter messages to enable my expenses in doing so.”

This year, as every year, Umar had sent his relatives Christmas cards reading “MERRY CHRISTMAS, YOU WESTERNISED PIG-DOGS, SLEEP WELL FOR TOMORROW YOU SHALL BURN IN AGONY FOR ALL ETERNITY, ALLAH BE PRAISED”. However, it appeared he had become “radicalised” by a sojourn in London, during which he read a book about George W. Bush, a close personal friend of the bin Laden branch of the Saudi royal family, and was inspired to take the fight to American soil. “Whenever the infidel appears complacent,” he wrote to a friend, “we shall send a DHS operative to do something pathetically stupid and harmless that we may take as an excuse to torture more civilians and make movement within American yet more impracticable. Praise Allah! Praise Jesus!”

The “DHS” has crippled America’s economy since its initial attacks on the World Trade Center in 2001. Air travel has all but ceased in the country and international visits have plummeted. Those few daring to travel find themselves cavity-search, X-rayed and anally probed. Some “DHS” operatives, brazenly working in plain sight, have become celebrities and tourist attractions, such as Big Bertha at Seattle Airport.

Mr Mutallab said the family were relieved Umar had finally made his public debut. “Apart from the obvious gigs selling our story to credulous Western news outlets, we can finally take down that God-awful shrine with the twin towers and the effigies, clean the place up and, who knows, maybe rent out the spare room at last. Are you sure you don’t have three thousand (3,000.00) messages you can spare to facilitate the transmission of another twenty-five million to yourself? Please assist, dear one!”

• *pint* to Scott Lamb for about half of the above

DOCTOROW, Schneier, Sunday (NTN) — After the Detroit Christmas firecracker incident, the Transport Security Administration now requires all US airline passengers to be strapped into their seats naked with catheters fitted, for their comfort and convenience.

“It’s the most efficient way to keep the country moving and let the TERRORISTS know they haven’t won,” said TSA head Gale Rossides. “We’re just trying to work out what to do when the TERRORISTS work out how to set off bombs by clenching their butt cheeks together.”

Passengers are advised not to bother with laptops (“You could explode the batteries with your urine!”), iPods or the vile containers of sedition such as “books.” “Carriage of any carryon item will result in lengthy security delays for the customer,” said a TSA advisory, “but, in response to customer concerns, the TSA officer with the latex glove will give you a box of chocolates and promises to respect you in the morning, and will definitely call you later in the week. Honestly.”

US tourism offices have finally given up and shut up shop. “I hear Afghanistan is pretty nice this time of year, and easier to get into. Iran’s pretty good too.”

Officials at Amtrak did not give a comment on the phone, just the sound of dancing around their offices singing “We’re In The Money.”

The passenger who allegedly set off the firecracker has mounted a stern defense, showing his paycheck from the Department of Homeland Security’s Subdepartment of Job Preservation.