Monthly Archives: September 2008

Finance, Health, United Kingdom

Organ donation hallmark of a “caring City”

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SOYLENT GREY, London EC1, Monday (NNN) — The Organ Donation Taskforce has delivered its report to the Department of Health, recommending presumed consent and an opt-out system for organ donations, particularly from surplus bankers.

The “Banks for Banks” initiative was launched with tremendous fanfare today as a group of newly-redundant Lehman Brothers employees proceeded to tear their bosses limb from limb. The ice for the champagne proved adequate to the task of preserving the bodily parts until they could be taken to a hospital and scanned for sexually transmissible infections, cocaine-induced septicaemia and mad cow disease.

Alistair Darling OM NOM NOMTransplant surgeons have long lamented the non-opening windows at Canary Wharf, which would have tremendously helped the nation’s organ banks as well as the post-collapse job market.

Secretary of State for Health Alan Johnson praised the tremendous progress Department of Health researchers had made in reprocessing City bankers into something actually useful to humanity. “London will never again want for speed humps, shooting targets or anus transplants.”

A law will be passed that City traders who opt out from the European Working Time Directive will be presumed to have consented to being rendered down. “After a few weeks of that you’re the walking dead anyway.”

Chancellor Alistair Darling promised to safeguard the jobs of 1,500 Bradford & Bingley mortgage staff for six months after the nationalisation of the bank’s lending business, at which point almost all of them started arranging to emigrate.

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Health, Politics, United Kingdom

Brown distracts with Internet child safety watchdog

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SECURITY EIGHTPLEX, Whitehall Odeon, Monday (NNN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown has hailed the launch of the UK Council for Child Internet Safety as a “path-breaking” new diversion designed to protect the most vulnerable members of society: “The politicians.”

He said, “The internet provides a world of entertainment, of opportunity and knowledge, but, most importantly, distraction. We must put in place the press campaign we need to appear to be keeping our children safe online. Scientists have proven that paedophilia did not exist before the Internet, and was invented by Gary Glitter as the result of a ‘Rule 34’ jest.”

Archbishop PedobearThe Council was formed based on recommendations from television psychologist Dr Tanya Byron’s report Gi’s A Consultancy Go On Gi’s It. It will police the web, take down harmful sites — since all web servers are under UK jurisdiction — and monitor the Wikipedia entries of Government ministers. UK-based web hosts will be made an offer they cannot refuse to sign up to a voluntary code of conduct. Reports of hosting providers in other countries gleefully rubbing their hands together are unconfirmed.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said the Home Office would do everything it could to present the appearance of effectiveness. “This is not mere ‘security theatre.’ We are aiming for ‘security 3-D movies with fantastic CGI special effects.’ And a ‘security Punch and Judy show’ for the little ones. We can prevent bullying! And people being rude in chat rooms! And bum jokes! Our consultants, EDS Capita Goatse, have made us a most reasonable offer to take on this work, and only charged us £500,000 so far for thinking about the matter.”

Dr Byron welcomed the prompt creation of the Council. “The UK is a world leader on internet safety for children, and I look forward to collecting a truly spectacular ongoing income stream.”

The Prime Minister will be kept directly informed of the Council’s progress, using the same technology that provides Internet petitions to his office. He further promises to pay every bit as much attention.

Finance, Technology, United Kingdom, United States

Grand Theft Auto: Wall Street released to controversy

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BELTWAY, Liberty City, Sunday (NNN) — The new Wall Street Wars version of controversial video game Grand Theft Auto will let players deal sub-prime mortgages to earn in-game cash.

GTA: Wall Street is a significant advance in game technology, bringing the famous Red Ring Of Death to Microsoft Excel and thus giving PC gamers the advantages long enjoyed by Xbox 360 gamers.

Wall StreetIn the end game, being run as a Live Multiplayer Weekend from Friday through to tomorrow, the final “boss” is the US Treasury. Defeating this character depends on the player’s posse putting enough game points into play to crash the whole game if they are killed. Success earns the player and his team a 700 billion point bonus.

Controversy surrounds a download available on the net called “Hot Latte,” which is said to unlock secret insider trading scenes. However, the final edition of the game is unlikely to feature explicit criminality, sticking only to the socially-sanctioned variety.

Dan Houser, chief of game developer Rockstar, said: “Our games are intended as entertainment and relaxation for mature adults, not children. GARÇON! MORE COKE AND HOOKERS OVER HERE! CHOP CHOP, S’IL VOUS PLAÎT MATE! We are of course very happy to continue to work with all responsible bodies on these matters, as previously.” He then proceeded to snort an entire gram in one hit.

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Technology, United Kingdom

Egham is “spam capital” of UK

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LAGOS, Surrey, Friday (NNN) — Email filtering company MessageLabs reports that Egham, Surrey, on the suburban outskirts of London, is the town that receives the most spam in Britain.

Egham Spam“It’s not like there’s much else to do,” said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of Egham Hythe, idly whirling his four-foot penis around his head in a desultory fashion. “Expanding your manhood, growing your breasts, increasing your sperm … the Lib Dem phone calls get a bit much. That’s Doctor Busybody, by the way. My Ph.D arrived last week.”

Spam has revitalised the local economy. Busybody has given up cab driving and is now working a lucrative job processing payments from home after he sent them his bank details in response to an urgent security message. “I had that King Otumfuo Opoku Ware II in the back of my cab once. Very generous and helpful fellow.”

The Egham Tourist Board has seized the day, with plans for a 50 foot tall penis sculpture at Junction 13 of the M25 on the exit ramp to the town. The sculpture will be encircled by a genuine imitation Rolex and spray a fountain of Spermamax, obtained at a very reasonable rate from a Canadian pharmacy. “You will search an hour for your underwear in the ocean of our spam!” is to become the new town motto.

“I did get a good one the other day,” says Busybody. “Barrister Matthew Sergeant Busybody of MessageLabs said we could promote our town to millions of people just by sending them an advance fee to process our incoming email. The stuff they try! ’Scuse me, V!k@grk@ kicking in, got to go have sex again. Sorry.”

Politics, United Kingdom

Identity cards introduced for those foreign Johnnies, not you

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DEPARTMENT OF CONTRACTING, Pfi, Thursday (NNN) — The Home Office today unveiled the new British identity card, to be issued to non-EU citizens in place of visas. “This is vitally important,” said the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith. “LOOK! TERRORISTS!”

The card bears the subject’s picture, name, date of birth, visa status, working status, place of birth, gender, mother’s maiden name, favourite TV show and football team and preferences in pornography. The biometric details will be the subject’s middle fingerprints. An RFID transponder and smart card chip will aid in the efficient reading and distribution of the subject’s details.

UK Loyalty CardThe card will be compulsory for foreign nationals. All terrorists and illegal immigrants will be required to obtain one and show it to policemen, council officials or dog catchers on request. From 2009, cards will be issued to new workers at airports, as forcing them upon existing staff may cause everyone to quit.

“The card evokes the fundamentally British nature of identity cards,” said Ms Smith, “as shown by the EU load of bull and stars and the absence of the words ‘Britain,’ ‘United Kingdom’ or similar. It’s the first UK identity card since the Second World War, so will help us all pull together in that jolly good old Blitz spirit.”

“We wholeheartedly support this move, for the good of Britain,” said Nick Hitler (no relation) of the British National Party. Reports that the BNP had put out a bounty on a “lost” data disk listing the names and addresses of every immigrant in the country are unconfirmed.

Ministers hope to roll out the scheme to everyone in the country by 2011, since they do not anticipate being summarily ejected from Parliament in the 2010 elections. In any case, EDS and Capita will still be paid.

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United Kingdom

Police “rudeness” complaints up 25%

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MENEZES, Stockwell, Thursday (NNN) — Complaints of police rudeness and impoliteness have risen 25% in the last year, the Independent Police Complaints Commission says.

Police toiletOthers complain of police refusing to accept that a crime has been committed. “The bounder failed to doff his cap or call me by my full title,” said arrogant over-monied young twat Otis Ferry, 25. “He even threatened me with a charge of ‘wasting police time’ when I insisted he report his own atrociously oikish behaviour to his knighted superior! I blame the socialists in power.”

Figures released earlier this year showed police carried out 955,000 stop-and-searches in 2006/07, up 9%. Black people are seven times more likely to be stopped as white people. “Brown ones should just stay inside and keep away from tube stations,” said commissioner Sir Ian Blair, “particularly if they’re in the force themselves.”

The Met said it welcomed complaints. “On slow nights we make paper planes from them, cover them in hairspray, set them alight and launch them from the roof,” said Sir Ian.

“They should save their rudeness for those Johnny Foreigners with their new Johnny Foreigner ID cards,” said Brenda Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam, “not decent British folk like us. I pay my licence fee!”

In better news, reported crimes are down 25% on last year yet again, this apparently being in no way connected to closed police stations or point-blank refusals by police to accept that the bleeding person limping in with torn clothes and no money is a victim of crime rather than, e.g., a random vagrant just after a warm cell for the night.

Entertainment, Technology, United Kingdom

Sony-Ericsson, Nokia unveil unlimited music services

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DAS BUNKER, British Phonographic Industry, Wednesday (NNGadget) — Sony-Ericsson has announced PlayNow Plus, a new plan for unlimited “DRM-free” music downloads on phones.

“Pay, er, PlayNow Plus is completely unlimited, covers all major labels, no DRM, get all you want any time you like,” said spokesdrone Mobile Salestwat. “This is the biggest deal in mobile music ever! Of course, it’ll only play on your phone, for the duration of the contract, all songs then disappearing. Well, just a little DRM. Honest.”

Theatrophone and chainNokia was quick to strike back. “Our Comes With Music plan is a simple, compelling user experience with first class music-enabled devices, and really doesn’t have any DRM at all, unlike those rapacious Sony bastards,” said spokesdrone Mobile Salestwat. “We pay you to take the songs! And you keep all of them! Forever! Until the end of the contract. And you can play them on your phone and your computer! Through the Nokia software. So only a wafer-thin piece of DRM. Hardly any.”

“Our plan is so much better,” said Sony. “Songs from our service randomly come up to you offering you CASH CASH CASH, a lovely fruit basket, a backrub and a blowjob. The rootkit our software installs on your computer, which crashes it once an hour and records everything you do for our marketing department and sends a gigabyte a day of Nigerian spam, is for your comfort and convenience. And absolutely no DRM. We prefer the term digital consumer enhancement.”

“Your plan’s mother was a pigdog!” said Nokia. “Have you ever tried using an Ericsson phone? Worst. Interface. Ever. Our plan beams the entire catalogues of all six, er, five, I mean four major labels, plus the complete works of the remaining Hollywood studios, directly into your brain’s pleasure centre! And also gives you huge and spectacular breasts! Or penis! Or both! And your little dog too! It does burn out chunks of your cerebral cortex when your contract ends, for the protection of the artists and the continued development of musical culture. So you might want to be sure you’re on time with your upgrade. But it’s not DRM. As such.”

Both services offer approximately five million songs, though 98% of downloads to date have been of the track “Bloody Irritating Piece Of Synthetic R&B” by MC Sewermouth, purchased on stolen phones and played at top volume by those teenagers in the back seat of the bus.

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Health, Science, United States

Genetically modified food is a “taste sensation”

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THE LAB, Borg Cube, Tuesday (NotScientist) — Dedicated Monsanto geneticists, working for the good of humanity and a badly-written space filler in the newspapers, have produced a fabulous array of valuable new cash crops with 100% all-natural artificial flavors that developing countries can grow to pay the interest on their ludicrous debts to the International Monetary Fund.

Cylon Number Six“Bananas that taste like banana flavoring!” said Cylon Number Six of Monsanto Public Relations. “Strawberries that taste like strawberry flavoring! Brewed coffee that tastes like instant! I was really disappointed the time I ate a strawberry as a kid, it didn’t taste anything like strawberry flavor. Now your kids will never have to suffer the same way.”

The wholly natural artificial flavoring builds on examples from nature: bacon with the magical taste of bacon, Quorn with the magical taste of Quorn and Budweiser with the magical taste of urine. The latter example also produces urine with the magical taste of Budweiser.

Some flavors for specialist niches were not a success. “Ice cream that tastes like vanilla dental dams turned out too gritty for the lesbian market, probably because no-one actually uses them.” Authentic™ ManJuice™ chewing gum for the gay market was considered too “outré” at this time, as no-one could actually bring themselves to use the word “tasteless.”

The company looks forward to continuing to feed the world at very reasonable rates on heavily patented non-breeding seed. “Without us, the poor would starve. Starve, you hear? Naturally grown Big Macs with the magical taste of a New Jersey chemical vat will save the world. Anyone who hates Monsanto hates humanity and probably turns tortoises upside-down in the desert,” said Six, nibbling on a Red Dye No. 1 fruit fresh off the vine. “We do what we must because we can.”

Technology, United States

Free Software Foundation announces GNUPhone

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DEFINED FREEDOM, Gnuisance, Monday (NNGadget) — The Free Software Foundation (NASDAQ: RMS) has announced the Free Software alternative to the evil, DRM-infested, locked-down, defective-by-design iPhone: the GNUPhone.

The key technical innovation of the GNUPhone is that it is completely operated from the command line. “What could be more intuitive than a bash prompt?” said seventeen-year-old Debian developer Hiram Nerdboy. “The ultimate one-dimensional desktop! Just type dial voice +1-555-1212 --ntwk verizon --prot cdma2000 --ssh-version 2 -a -l -q -9 -b -k -K 14 -x and away you go! Simple and obvious!”

GNUPhoneThe phone will also serve as a versatile personal media player. “I can play any .au file or H.120 video with a single shell command! The iPod could never measure up to this powerful ease of use.” Video is rendered into ASCII art with aalib. “If blocky ASCII teletype softcore pinups were good enough for 1970s minicomputer operators, they’re good enough for you. Respect your elders.”

The KDE project will be bringing its next-generation KDE 4 desktop to the GNUPhone. “you can flip, twirl, dice, blend, fold, spindle and mutilate your terminal windows to your heart’s content,” said developer Aaron Seigo. “look at that cool effect! any complaint that basic functions don’t actually work is ignorant of the intrinsic beauty of the plasma api and is just more fud spread by haters like stevie ray vaughan-nichols and novell corporation.”

Actual successful voice calls are expected by 2011 to 2012. Regulatory approval is proving problematic in the corrupt, corporate-captured US environment. “The FCC said that if we dared switch on this, uh, ‘piece of shit’ in a built-up area in its present form, they’d break all our fingers with a fourteen-pound cluebat,” said Nerdboy. “They’re obviously shilling for Apple, Nokia and Microsoft.”

The second version of the GNUPhone will run EMACS on the HURD kernel and be operated by writing eLisp macros on the fly. “It’s the clearest, most elegant and natural operating environment anyone could conceive of,” said Nerdboy. “Really, we’re not out to destroy Apple; that will just be a completely unintentional side effect.”

Entertainment, United Kingdom

Famous person’s son in jail

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OUT WITH THE CHAPS, Hooray Club, Sunday (NNN) — Otis Ferry, son of singer Bryan Ferry, has been refused bail on charges of robbery, assault, perverting the course of justice and being an arrogant over-monied young twat.

Chav Basil BrushHis mother, former model Lucy Helmore, was worried that he was “without any clean socks and shirts” in prison, and that he will not be able to cope with confinement because he “loves the outdoors so much,” particularly the bits where foxes are ripped apart by dogs.

Mr Ferry was charged with assaulting a hunt monitor and stealing her camera and keys and threatening a prosecution witness on these charges, as well as being an arrogant over-monied young twat in general.

He has had visits from his equally talented and worthwhile friends Pixie Geldof, Jade Jagger, the Allen kids and one of the lesser McCartneys.

His mother added: “I think this whole thing has been politically motivated.” A spokesfox for the Metropolitan Red Fox Association called such claims of a fit-up “scurrilous” and denied allegations of a six-month surveillance operation by undercover urban foxes. “Is it ’cos I is red?” he added belligerently.