Heroic Putin saves workers from tiger

PUTIN’S TROUSERS, Manly Heaven, Sunday (RT) — Vladimir Putin has taken a brief pause in lambasting the effete Westerners to save a Russian television crew from a Siberian tiger while visiting the Ussuri reserve in Siberia.

Putin fishingAs Mr Putin was arriving to see a trapped Amur tiger, it escaped and ran towards the camera crew. Putin is said to have quickly grabbed the 200kg beast, raised it above his head, body-slammed it to the ground, called its mother a Georgian, buggered it senseless and finally tranquilised it with three blows about the head from his engorged manhood.

The former KGB spy had several takes filmed of him striding through the taiga in camouflage trousers, desert boots and no shirt before he grappled with the tiger, that part unfortunately not being recorded. He helped measure the Amur tiger’s incisors with his massive penis (also not filmed) before placing a satellite transmitter around the neck of the beast, firmly gluing it on with his own testosterone.

“Vladimir Putin not only managed to see the giant predator up close but saved our crew,” gushed a presenter at the start of the main evening news. “The Leader stopped off only to fertilise my receptive womanhood with his pounding manliness. I am deeply honoured to further his superior Russian genes.”

Putin thanked Western researchers for also attempting to help save the Amur tigers. “But come to me and I’ll show you how to do it right. EU girly men.”

Facebook: The Awful, Awful Movie in production

TEH INTARWEB, Silicone Valley, Friday (N! News) — Aaron Sorkin, creator of The West Wing, has been contracted to write an awful, awful movie about Facebook.

Facebook Arnie“I can write funny and poignant television dramas and I can work a toaster,” said Sorkin. “So I thought, ‘how hard can this Internet thing be?'”

Facebook: The Awful, Awful Movie will tell the story of how Mark Zuckerberg invented binary digits as a toddler and the web browser in his Harvard dorm in 2004, and how every single person in the world joined up by 2007 to play Scrabulous Wordscraper. The planned sequel, to be filmed simultaneously, tells how Facebook solves conflict in the Middle East, cures breast cancer and, in Soviet Russia, pokes you.

Stars tipped for the film include Ben Stein as the history teacher with a heart of gold, Will Ferrell as the porn star with a heart of gold, Lindsay Lohan as the Myspace convert with a heart of gold, Keanu Reeves as the Wikipedia administrator with a heart of gold, Jessica Simpson as the idiot from high school who still sends you vampire invitations every week with a heart of gold and Adam Sandler as the Presidential nominee with a heart of gold. Uwe Boll will direct as the director with an ear of tin.

Facebook: The Awful, Awful Movie will be released direct to YouTube in late 2009 and no longer be available shortly after.

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