‘Science’ Archives
Science reveals evolutionary origins of gender stereotypes
WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Morning Commuter Time (NNN) — British scientists have uncovered why little girls like pink toys. "Women are hardwired to like pink," says Professor Gene Hunt of the University of Metro, "because their cavewoman foremothers spent their days gathering red leaves and berries amongst the trees." Later, women needed [...]
Cheney discovered to have a heart
TORCHWOOD THREE, Cardiff, Wednesday (NNN) — US Vice-President Dick Cheney is to receive treatment to correct an abnormal heart rhythm, his spokeswoman has said. Markets would have been shaken at the news that Mr Cheney possessed such an organ had they not been utterly exhausted already. "During a visit with his mechanic this morning, it [...]
Turing Test won with Artificial Stupidity
LINDEN, The Grid, Monday (NNGadget) — Artificial intelligence came a step closer this weekend when a computer came within five percent of passing the Turing Test, which the computer passes if people cannot tell between the computer and a human. The winning conversation was with competitor LOLBOT: "Good morning." "STFU N00B" "Er, [...]
Genetically modified food is a “taste sensation”
THE LAB, Borg Cube, Tuesday (NotScientist) — Dedicated Monsanto geneticists, working for the good of humanity and a badly-written space filler in the newspapers, have produced a fabulous array of valuable new cash crops with 100% all-natural artificial flavors that developing countries can grow to pay the interest on their ludicrous debts to [...]
Reiss: Science lessons should tackle Easter Bunny
DO-AS-YOU-PLEASE, Faraway Tree, Friday (NNN) — The Easter Bunny should be discussed in school science lessons rather than dismissed, says Professor Michael Reiss, director of education at the Royal Society and of infiltration at the Discovery Institute. "If pupils have strongly-held family beliefs about the Easter Bunny, such ideas should [...]
Large Hardon Collider could corrupt civilisation
INUÉNDEAUX, Switzerland, Tuesday (NNN) — The Large Hardon Collider, to be turned on tomorrow, is designed to pump various types of hardon up to huge energies before banging them together. However, many concerned citizens without the personal experience or understanding of what hardons do worry at the idea of the large hardons being [...]
Dr Evil threatens world with Large Hadron Collider
LAIR OF EVIL, Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire, Friday (NNGadget) — Dr Evil's plans to destroy the earth have come ever-closer, with the construction of a Large Hadron Collider in a secret location in Switzerland. "Unless the governments of the world give me one hundred beelion dollars, I shall pull the switch that [...]
Arctic ice melting heralds vast opportunities
NOME TROPICANA, Drinks Are Free, Long Hot Summer (NNN) — The Arctic Ocean is now largely clear of ice, heralding vast new business opportunities, President Sarah Palin announced today. The famed North-West Passage is now permanently navigable, with huge shipping volumes between Arctic nations. "We're considering just building a highway [...]
Heroic Putin saves workers from tiger
PUTIN'S TROUSERS, Manly Heaven, Sunday (???) — Vladimir Putin has taken a brief pause in lambasting the effete Westerners to save a Russian television crew from a Siberian tiger while visiting the Ussuri reserve in Siberia. As Mr Putin was arriving to see a trapped Amur tiger, it escaped and ran towards the camera crew. Putin is said to [...]
Intel demonstrates wireless power for the home
INTEL CASTLE, Transylvania, Friday (NNGadget) — A future without batteries — no need to charge phones or MP3 players, or even electric cars. No lost phone chargers, no running out of power sockets. Intel chief technology officer Justin Rattner demonstrated a Wireless Energy Resonant Link as he spoke at the annual Intel developers forum [...]
