‘Media’ Archives
___’s funeral viewed by millions
GRUB STREET, Metro, eternally (NNN) — Britain has said farewell to ___ at the end of an unprecedented week of mourning. It was an event made by the incredible upsurge of popular feeling in Britain and around the world. Before she died, some may have been hoping that she would grow old, her celebrity would dim and she would be quietly [...]
Inexplicably low ratings for digital channels
FIFTY-SEVEN CHANNELS, Neither Rare Nor Well-Done, forever (Mediocre Grauniad) — The heavily-promoted new series of Mad Men on BBC4 has failed to boost the channel's ratings, with twenty-four viewers tuning in on Tuesday night, losing out to thirty-six viewers of ITV3's Ladies of Letters and thirty-three for Sky Three's reality TV hit I'm The [...]
“Gloomy Monday” mathematically proven the most depressing day for journalists
THE TUBE, The Bloody Commute, seven bloody AM (NNN) — Phil Space, an expert in depression at the University of Metro, has discovered a mathematical formula to pinpoint today as Blue Monday, the day when six factors come together to leave journalists at their most miserable. The factors are: the dank and gloomy weather; the lack of [...]
Barrowman exposes himself on radio
TORCHWOOD THREE, Cardiff, Monday (NNN) — Actor John Barrowman has apologised for exposing himself on live radio on Sunday evening. Two complaints were received about the incident, from listeners J. Ross and R. Brand. "We are appalled and outraged," they said. "We told the Daily Mail and they thought it was funny." Barrowman apologised for [...]
Darling on economy: “Tough titties”
PAGE 3, Financial Times, Friday (NNN) — Alistair Darling today admitted that the economy was disastrously seized up, with one in twelve London workers likely to lose their job. Across town, Nigella Lawson wore a low-cut dress revealing quite spectacular quantities of well-nourished breastage, with photos in all papers. In the United [...]
Television essential to mental well-being
CHANNEL 5, Wapping, Friday (NNN) — New findings printed today in all papers and broadcast on ITV, Channel 4 and Channel 5 reveal that television is "virtually a mental vitamin" for intelligence and emotional well-being. In addition, it helps treat arrhythmia, psoriasis, tooth decay, distemper, dropsy, haemorrhoids and impotence, and lets you [...]
Ask Jack
I'm thinking of buying a netbook as a second machine for net access and mobile broadband. Should I get one with XP or can I run Linux and not worry about what's "under the bonnet"?M Shuttleworth Linux-based netbooks have apparently friendly front ends, but are very demanding if you go any deeper. Linux is like the Mooncup: a nice idea, but messy [...]
High court conservatives favor “fucking strong” indecency rule
SUPREME COURT OF THE UNITED GODDAMNED STATES, Washington, Tuesday (NNN) — Conservative Supreme Court judges want to uphold an FCC crackdown on the use of salty language during daytime and early evening hours. U.S. Solicitor General Gregory G. Goatse said the strict regulation of broadcast TV preserved it as a "safety zone" for families [...]
Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand collide with delayed journalistic August
TELEVISION CENTRE, W12, Tuesday (NNN) — National outrage was sparked by a moment's idiocy on the part of Jonathan Woss and Wussell Bwand a few weeks ago when the newspapers ran out of stories about Big Brother contestants, skateboarding ducks and what your breasts mean to fill the spaces between pronouncements of economic doom. The incident [...]
Creativity to be promoted on commercial TV
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Monday (N! News) — Viewers will have the opportunity "to see more of our finest creative advertising minds at work" under proposals put forward by Ofcom to deal with the drop in television advertising revenue. The report notes: "The advertising industry is powerfully adept at producing thirty-second [...]
