‘Media’ Archives
Plastic surgeons warn against not giving them money
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Sunday (NNN) — The British Association of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgeons (BOOBIES) has put out a concerned press release claiming to be about competition from overseas surgeons in an attempt to market man-boob reductions. "Unethical clinics in other countries continue to offer obscenely superfluous surgery cheaper than [...]
Women unable to keep a secret, particularly when pissed
WELL I NEVER, See I Told You, Friday (NNN) — Low-level shitkickers at a crappy public relations agency knowingly and with malice aforethought abusing the title "researcher" have found, on the spec sheet listing the official desired outcome for their "research," that women — all women — are overcome by a burning desire to share [...]
Jordan drunk-texts her old shag
OOMPA LOOMPA VILLAGE, Silicone Valley, Friday (N! News) — Katie Price has reportedly sent Peter Andre late-night texts claiming that she is still in love with the publicity she got with him, telling him the magazine covers were her "farytaele" in one message and that "I <3 ur pblicty & wnt 1 mr chnce" in another. A third message [...]
OS deathmatch: Snow Leopard vs Windows 7
I'M A BLIGHT ON HUMANITY, Get Me Out Of Here, Saturday (NNGadget) — It's August, the best of times when you're a space-filler generator in IT journalism, as every other media outlet turns into a gaping void at least as bad as ourselves. This leads to the inevitable debate: which is the best operating system, Windows 7 or Snow [...]
Designers prefer websites designed by designers
PAGE 3, Channel 5, August (NNN) — Men prefer websites designed by men, women prefer those designed by women and designers prefer those designed by designers, according to a new study by Gloria Moss, a lecturer in Press-Release Science at Bucks New University. "It's August, so the differences spring from our ... caveman ancestors!" said [...]
BBC outsources tech news to Microsoft
NO MICROSOFT WAY, WebTV Centre,Wednesday (MSBBC) — Microsoft has unveiled new technology that will allow the BBC to completely outsource its technology news section to Microsoft. This cements an informal relationship that has been in place since BBC News slimmed down surplus staff such as subeditors, proofreaders or most of the journalists. [...]
Murdoch’s London freesheet closes
PAGE 3, Channel 5, Friday (Mediocre Grauniad) — The collapse of Murdoch evening freesheet The London Paper has thrown the vapid fishwrap industry into turmoil. News Group Newspapers had already been reeling under the impact of even a 20p Sun only being bought by people too thick even for Metro. "Celebrities!" said London Paper editor [...]
Women urged by marketer to test for fertility
WAKEFIELD, Sheffield, Sunday (NNN) — Britain is facing an infertility timebomb, according to Professor Bill Ledger of Sheffield University, who just happens to have a side business, Biofusion plc t/a Lifestyle Choices, selling fertility tests, in the Observer yesterday. "Couples are sticking their heads in the sand," he said. [...]
Jordan gets her end in
OOMPA LOOMPA VILLAGE, Silicone Valley, Sunday (News of the Screws) — Katie "Jordan" Price took HUNKY television cage fighter Alex Reid back to her hotel suite for a night of WILD SEX, according to a press release issued last night, hours after her previous press release denying they were together. According to the attached script, the [...]
Michael Jackson “news value missing” at autopsy
CHILLER, Off The Perch Saturday (N! News) — Michael Jackson's news value was missing at his autopsy, it was claimed last night. The front pages of all newspapers today showed a hole where an actual news story should have been. A witness claimed to have seen Jackson's news story on an editor's desk, saying: "The prosthesis the journalists [...]
