Category Archives: United Kingdom

Europe, Politics, United Kingdom

Peter Mandelson returns from the undead

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THE TOMBS, Downing Street, Friday (NNN) — Gordon Brown today explained his astonishing decision to bring his bitter rival Peter Mandelson back into the Cabinet as business secretary: “My God, I am so completely fucked, even Mandy looks a good idea.”

Mandelson, Prince of DarknessBaron Mandelson, 679, of Transylvania, smiled for the cameras, only having to reconstitute himself twice when the flashes dissolved him into dust. “I only enter where I am invited,” he said in sepulchral Eurocratic tones. “When I am called upon, I shall return.”

Labour MPs rushed to greet the chief architect of New Labour, many carrying wooden stakes, garlic and crosses.

Mr Mandelson has had a chequered career in office. Previous Cabinet terms have ended with unfortunate resignations due to being beheaded by angry villagers, burnt at the stake, wrapped in chains and thrown to the bottom of the Volga and, in one case, nuked from orbit.

“Serious people are needed for serious times,” said Mr Brown in a monotone, staring glassily into space. “I hear and obey. Am advised.”

David Cameron was unavailable for comment, with only the sound of cackling glee and champagne corks audible on the line.

Politics, United Kingdom

Boris opens design competition for “Robo-Commissioner”

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CHAP CENTRAL, Southbank, Friday (NNN) — After firing Metropolitan Police commissioner Sir Ian Blair, London mayor Boris Johnson has announced a public competition to design an iconic robot replacement.

Robo-Boris“The classic London bobby was a tourist landmark,” said Mr Johnson. “We need something that will really sum up London, that will really look the part of the new ’Ello-’Ello-’Ellomaster.”

Johnson’s dismissal of Blair has been condemned from all quarters, with senior constables across the country refusing the job as too prone to political interference.

“Well, we had to get rid of that Blair fellow. Political disaster, don’t you know. Horribly prone to bumbling and gaffes. Well, that’s all over! We have the plans, we have the committee, we have Dom Grieve and the party chaps on side. We can bind law and order and short-term politics to work together seamlessly for the good of all. Gentlemen, I present: Robo-Tory!”

Sir Ian said he looked forward to a planned new position in the Home Office and possibly a seat in the House of Lords. “Anything, really, as long as I get at least one chance to call Boris onto the carpet. Mmm, yes.”

“Yet again Boris has made a complete hash of things,” said Ken Livingstone, though no-one asked him.

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Health, United Kingdom

Cigarette packets to feature pictures of Keith Richards and Amy Winehouse

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OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Whitehall, Thursday (NNN) — In a bid to “scare smokers straight,” cigarette packets will warn of the terrible consequences of smoking by featuring pictures of famous long-term cigarette addicts, such as the blackened teeth, rotting lungs, ashtray odour and star quality of such sad and benighted specimens as Keith Richards, Lemmy, Amy Winehouse and Pete Doherty.

Naomi Campbell smokingSir Liam Donaldson of the Department of Health said, “We are confident that fear and loathing at the thought of looking like a rock star will ignite the flame of God’s holy light in the heart of the vile, skulking, heathen nicotinist and inspire him to stand proud and tall against the demon weed. Moral purity is more than enough to overcome a trivial chemical dependence on a substance more addictive than heroin.”

Packets previously featured textual warnings such as “SMOKING SHRINKS YOUR COCK”, “SMOKING: YOU LOOK LIKE AN OFFICE WORKER” and “SMOKING: HURRY UP AND DIE, YOU STINKY TWAT.” However, a thriving trade in packets commenced where single men would look for “SMOKING HARMS YOUR BABY” and misanthropes would look for “SMOKING HARMS OTHERS AROUND YOU.”

“THIS IS THE NANNY STATE AT WORK,” said Simon Clark of smoker’s rights group We’re Not A Front For British-American Tobacco Honest through the electronic voice box that had replaced his larynx. “NEXT WILL BE ID CARDS FOR SMOKERS AND CCTV CAMERAS IN CIGARETTE PACKETS. IT’S POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD. WHAT WOULD GEORGE THE SIXTH SAY. LORD LOVE A DUCK. EXTERMINATE.”

“This should be at least as effective as the pictures of the teenage boy in the anti-heroin ads in the eighties,” said Sir Liam. “The one with the cheekbones, who all the girls liked … Kids, just say no to drugs!”

Entertainment, United Kingdom

Taliban shoots at Ant & Dec, misses

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PHONING IT IN, Helmand, Monday (N! News) — Television novelty gnomes Ant and Dec have survived a Taliban rocket attack at Kandahar airfield in Afghanistan.

Ant & Dec in Afghanistan“They were shouting something in Afghan,” said Declan Ant, “about a phone bill from calling into a show. No idea what they were talking about.”

The duo had been sent to cheer up the troops, the government having considered them just the tonic for soldiers who had been through a series of violent, confusing and emotionally-shattering ordeals. “I thought it odd that some of the Taliban attackers were wearing England football shirts and shouting Arabic phrases that — and this is really funny — sounded like ‘Fook off you Geordie wankers.’ Amazing coincidence.”

Their agent is currently taking offers not to make a celebrity sex tape available. Verne Troyer has already threatened to sue for trademark infringement. The lines are open right now at £1.50 a minute.

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Finance, Health, United Kingdom

Organ donation hallmark of a “caring City”

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SOYLENT GREY, London EC1, Monday (NNN) — The Organ Donation Taskforce has delivered its report to the Department of Health, recommending presumed consent and an opt-out system for organ donations, particularly from surplus bankers.

The “Banks for Banks” initiative was launched with tremendous fanfare today as a group of newly-redundant Lehman Brothers employees proceeded to tear their bosses limb from limb. The ice for the champagne proved adequate to the task of preserving the bodily parts until they could be taken to a hospital and scanned for sexually transmissible infections, cocaine-induced septicaemia and mad cow disease.

Alistair Darling OM NOM NOMTransplant surgeons have long lamented the non-opening windows at Canary Wharf, which would have tremendously helped the nation’s organ banks as well as the post-collapse job market.

Secretary of State for Health Alan Johnson praised the tremendous progress Department of Health researchers had made in reprocessing City bankers into something actually useful to humanity. “London will never again want for speed humps, shooting targets or anus transplants.”

A law will be passed that City traders who opt out from the European Working Time Directive will be presumed to have consented to being rendered down. “After a few weeks of that you’re the walking dead anyway.”

Chancellor Alistair Darling promised to safeguard the jobs of 1,500 Bradford & Bingley mortgage staff for six months after the nationalisation of the bank’s lending business, at which point almost all of them started arranging to emigrate.

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Health, Politics, United Kingdom

Brown distracts with Internet child safety watchdog

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SECURITY EIGHTPLEX, Whitehall Odeon, Monday (NNN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown has hailed the launch of the UK Council for Child Internet Safety as a “path-breaking” new diversion designed to protect the most vulnerable members of society: “The politicians.”

He said, “The internet provides a world of entertainment, of opportunity and knowledge, but, most importantly, distraction. We must put in place the press campaign we need to appear to be keeping our children safe online. Scientists have proven that paedophilia did not exist before the Internet, and was invented by Gary Glitter as the result of a ‘Rule 34’ jest.”

Archbishop PedobearThe Council was formed based on recommendations from television psychologist Dr Tanya Byron’s report Gi’s A Consultancy Go On Gi’s It. It will police the web, take down harmful sites — since all web servers are under UK jurisdiction — and monitor the Wikipedia entries of Government ministers. UK-based web hosts will be made an offer they cannot refuse to sign up to a voluntary code of conduct. Reports of hosting providers in other countries gleefully rubbing their hands together are unconfirmed.

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith said the Home Office would do everything it could to present the appearance of effectiveness. “This is not mere ‘security theatre.’ We are aiming for ‘security 3-D movies with fantastic CGI special effects.’ And a ‘security Punch and Judy show’ for the little ones. We can prevent bullying! And people being rude in chat rooms! And bum jokes! Our consultants, EDS Capita Goatse, have made us a most reasonable offer to take on this work, and only charged us £500,000 so far for thinking about the matter.”

Dr Byron welcomed the prompt creation of the Council. “The UK is a world leader on internet safety for children, and I look forward to collecting a truly spectacular ongoing income stream.”

The Prime Minister will be kept directly informed of the Council’s progress, using the same technology that provides Internet petitions to his office. He further promises to pay every bit as much attention.

Finance, Technology, United Kingdom, United States

Grand Theft Auto: Wall Street released to controversy

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BELTWAY, Liberty City, Sunday (NNN) — The new Wall Street Wars version of controversial video game Grand Theft Auto will let players deal sub-prime mortgages to earn in-game cash.

GTA: Wall Street is a significant advance in game technology, bringing the famous Red Ring Of Death to Microsoft Excel and thus giving PC gamers the advantages long enjoyed by Xbox 360 gamers.

Wall StreetIn the end game, being run as a Live Multiplayer Weekend from Friday through to tomorrow, the final “boss” is the US Treasury. Defeating this character depends on the player’s posse putting enough game points into play to crash the whole game if they are killed. Success earns the player and his team a 700 billion point bonus.

Controversy surrounds a download available on the net called “Hot Latte,” which is said to unlock secret insider trading scenes. However, the final edition of the game is unlikely to feature explicit criminality, sticking only to the socially-sanctioned variety.

Dan Houser, chief of game developer Rockstar, said: “Our games are intended as entertainment and relaxation for mature adults, not children. GARÇON! MORE COKE AND HOOKERS OVER HERE! CHOP CHOP, S’IL VOUS PLAÎT MATE! We are of course very happy to continue to work with all responsible bodies on these matters, as previously.” He then proceeded to snort an entire gram in one hit.

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Technology, United Kingdom

Egham is “spam capital” of UK

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LAGOS, Surrey, Friday (NNN) — Email filtering company MessageLabs reports that Egham, Surrey, on the suburban outskirts of London, is the town that receives the most spam in Britain.

Egham Spam“It’s not like there’s much else to do,” said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of Egham Hythe, idly whirling his four-foot penis around his head in a desultory fashion. “Expanding your manhood, growing your breasts, increasing your sperm … the Lib Dem phone calls get a bit much. That’s Doctor Busybody, by the way. My Ph.D arrived last week.”

Spam has revitalised the local economy. Busybody has given up cab driving and is now working a lucrative job processing payments from home after he sent them his bank details in response to an urgent security message. “I had that King Otumfuo Opoku Ware II in the back of my cab once. Very generous and helpful fellow.”

The Egham Tourist Board has seized the day, with plans for a 50 foot tall penis sculpture at Junction 13 of the M25 on the exit ramp to the town. The sculpture will be encircled by a genuine imitation Rolex and spray a fountain of Spermamax, obtained at a very reasonable rate from a Canadian pharmacy. “You will search an hour for your underwear in the ocean of our spam!” is to become the new town motto.

“I did get a good one the other day,” says Busybody. “Barrister Matthew Sergeant Busybody of MessageLabs said we could promote our town to millions of people just by sending them an advance fee to process our incoming email. The stuff they try! ’Scuse me, V!k@grk@ kicking in, got to go have sex again. Sorry.”

Politics, United Kingdom

Identity cards introduced for those foreign Johnnies, not you

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DEPARTMENT OF CONTRACTING, Pfi, Thursday (NNN) — The Home Office today unveiled the new British identity card, to be issued to non-EU citizens in place of visas. “This is vitally important,” said the Home Secretary, Jacqui Smith. “LOOK! TERRORISTS!”

The card bears the subject’s picture, name, date of birth, visa status, working status, place of birth, gender, mother’s maiden name, favourite TV show and football team and preferences in pornography. The biometric details will be the subject’s middle fingerprints. An RFID transponder and smart card chip will aid in the efficient reading and distribution of the subject’s details.

UK Loyalty CardThe card will be compulsory for foreign nationals. All terrorists and illegal immigrants will be required to obtain one and show it to policemen, council officials or dog catchers on request. From 2009, cards will be issued to new workers at airports, as forcing them upon existing staff may cause everyone to quit.

“The card evokes the fundamentally British nature of identity cards,” said Ms Smith, “as shown by the EU load of bull and stars and the absence of the words ‘Britain,’ ‘United Kingdom’ or similar. It’s the first UK identity card since the Second World War, so will help us all pull together in that jolly good old Blitz spirit.”

“We wholeheartedly support this move, for the good of Britain,” said Nick Hitler (no relation) of the British National Party. Reports that the BNP had put out a bounty on a “lost” data disk listing the names and addresses of every immigrant in the country are unconfirmed.

Ministers hope to roll out the scheme to everyone in the country by 2011, since they do not anticipate being summarily ejected from Parliament in the 2010 elections. In any case, EDS and Capita will still be paid.

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United Kingdom

Police “rudeness” complaints up 25%

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MENEZES, Stockwell, Thursday (NNN) — Complaints of police rudeness and impoliteness have risen 25% in the last year, the Independent Police Complaints Commission says.

Police toiletOthers complain of police refusing to accept that a crime has been committed. “The bounder failed to doff his cap or call me by my full title,” said arrogant over-monied young twat Otis Ferry, 25. “He even threatened me with a charge of ‘wasting police time’ when I insisted he report his own atrociously oikish behaviour to his knighted superior! I blame the socialists in power.”

Figures released earlier this year showed police carried out 955,000 stop-and-searches in 2006/07, up 9%. Black people are seven times more likely to be stopped as white people. “Brown ones should just stay inside and keep away from tube stations,” said commissioner Sir Ian Blair, “particularly if they’re in the force themselves.”

The Met said it welcomed complaints. “On slow nights we make paper planes from them, cover them in hairspray, set them alight and launch them from the roof,” said Sir Ian.

“They should save their rudeness for those Johnny Foreigners with their new Johnny Foreigner ID cards,” said Brenda Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam, “not decent British folk like us. I pay my licence fee!”

In better news, reported crimes are down 25% on last year yet again, this apparently being in no way connected to closed police stations or point-blank refusals by police to accept that the bleeding person limping in with torn clothes and no money is a victim of crime rather than, e.g., a random vagrant just after a warm cell for the night.