COCODAMOL, Channel 4, Saturday (N! News) — After Big Brother producers targeted amputee soldiers, the Army Benevolent Fund has made a counter-proposal to lock Endemol executives up together under the watchful eye.

The plan will see suitably respected upper management, voted in by their employees, placed together in the house with a limited quantity of food and water, to be shared amongst themselves according to strict Randian principles of creativity and objective value. A second, secret house will contain weaponry and vodka. In a hilarious twist, the weaponry will be defective and blind anyone who tries firing it. Similarly, the vodka will be contaminated with methanol and a powerful laxative. An antidote (obviously impossible) will be promised by Big Brother should the blinded housemate be able to convince any of the other housemates to sodomise them using shredded quarterly profit statements as lubrication.

“This is television the whole family could enjoy,” said Annabelle Fuller of the Army Benevolent Fund. When asked whether it would actually attract viewers, Ms Fuller said “Who cares?” The ABF also expects to save considerable money on cameras.

The voice of Big Brother will be played by Charlie Brooker, who is very sorry indeed for his unfortunately accurate powers of prognostication, and will commence writing TV Come Home, a series of fictional television listings in which the stuff being broadcast is elevating, redeeming and doesn’t make you want to kill everyone just in case.

WHAT HO BLUD, Ldn, Tuesday (N! News) — Lily Allen has renounced Facebook, Twitter, pontificating or considering herself as having anything to say worth hearing in a bid to gain “a life.”

Once one of the music world’s most prolific shite-babblers and patron saint of the nightsoil cart industry, the 24-year old mockney mock-rapper bravely declared her conversion to becoming a “neo-Clueite.”

“I just had this revelation that talking unmitigated bollocks about anything I didn’t understand, that being everything, was becoming a total addiction, when the entire world and its dog started actually explaining to me how I was a fuckwit in point-by-point detail when I was being a fuckwit. I was so addicted I was even copy-and-pasting other fuckwits’ fuckwittery. So I put my BlackBerry, my laptop and my idiot opinions in a box and gaffer tape over my mouth,” she signed.

The singer also vowed to take two years off music, despite popular opinion she had spent the previous five years off music. She explained that the bollocks she had spewed previously about filesharing had only been at the behest of Peter Mandelson, who thought it would make a good excuse.

She added that she is happier with her body image, so even if she won’t talk she’ll still be slipping nipples like an exhibitionist possessed. “I’ve suffered a lot over my body image. Now it’s your turn. An exhibitionist pain in the arse has to have some outlet. LOOK! TITS!”

SOHO SQUARE, Hammersmith, Sunday (Columbia) — Following one of the biggest battles in the history of the UK Singles Chart, Sony BMG have beaten Sony BMG to achieve the UK’s official Christmas number one.

Artists signed to the label have taken the festive top spot for four years in a row. A Facebook campaign backing the record company aimed to stop another song on the label reaching the Christmas number one spot once again.

Sony BMG-signed guitarist Tom Morello said the campaign had “tapped into the silent majority of the people in the UK who are tired of being spoon-fed one schmaltzy ballad after another” and who can now buy a vastly superior download of insubstantial computerised bits and bytes from the same company. “They’re taking a stand against mindless music by buying it like they were told to.”

He said their victory looked back to such great Sony BMG artists as the Clash, as opposed to those EMI sellouts the Sex Pistols. “It’s like when Bill Clinton got to the White House and they played Fleetwood Mac. It said ‘We’ve made it.’ Man. The young people of today must be so excited!”

Meanwhile, free downloads continued to increase in line with Moore’s Law and the growth of live music as opposed to canned. Sony BMG’s victory remained news for almost three hours before this week’s inexplicable second-string celebrity heart attack took over Twitter and everyone proclaimed how they’d always loved whoever it was. Simon Cowell has tipped Finland’s Lordi as hot prospects for next year’s X-Factor. Next year’s Facebook campaign will be to get this year’s Joe McElderry single to number one.