Category Archives: Health

Now they’re after our butter

FAT CITY, Formerly Pork, Sunday (NTN) — Panic buying and butter riots gripped the nation’s dairy cabinets after a proposal by heart surgeon Shyam Kolvekar to ban butter for the sake of public health.

Cardboard burger, fries and shake“I realise he’s probably quite disgusted with having to plunger greasy geysers of chunky lard out of the arteries of bloblike creatures that subsist entirely on fried food and cigarettes brought to their doors by home delivery so that they don’t have to risk accidentally doing anything resembling exercise,” said fat celebrity cook Jamie Oliver. “But this is an absolutely unacceptable imposition on the British way of life. I blame the EU myself.”

“It’s the nanny state at work,” thundered dairy farmer David Halfhead. “As if a respected heart surgeon knows anything about what damages hearts. People should take much more notice of the fat celebrity cook and the dairy farmer than the patronising opinions of some ‘expert’ who probably supports climate change. I’ve also got some Celebrity Big Brother contestants who can tell you how good butter is, if you like.”

“Balderdash,” said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “I eat nothing but lard with butter on top and a sprinkle of cholesterol, drink seven pints of strong ale and smoke an ounce of shag a day and gargle battery acid in between hitting myself with a crowbar and I’ve never been to a doctor in me life. I credit reading the Daily Mail, so my body doesn’t have to support one of them ‘brain’ things. Nothing but trouble, they are.”

“I only did it ‘cos of fame,” said John Lydon. “You don’t think I actually eat the stuff, do you?”

Historic “change nothing” health care bill passes

WHAT’S ON THE SLAB, Down In The Lab, Thursday (NTN) — The US Senate has approved landmark legislation that will change nothing about healthcare for tens of millions of uninsured Americans and, of course, the insurance companies.

With the Great Recession, millions of Americans out of work means less insured. The bill ensures that insurance companies will continue to enjoy the income flow to which they have become accustomed, by making it compulsory for the poor to pay out of their own pockets.

“This is a victory for the American people,” said Senate Democratic leader Harry Reid, who had received $2,259,001 from the insurance companies.

The Republicans remain implacably opposed to the poor not being punished for their offense against God in not having found suitable labor, and to insurance companies having to cover the pre-existing condition of poverty. Senator Olympia Snowe, who had received only $755,640 from the insurance companies, said that she was “disappointed”.

“My colleagues and I will work to stop this Muslim socialist atrocity from becoming law,” warned Republican Senate leader Mitch McConnell, who had received $3,187,818 from the insurance companies. “The Obama plan will create government death panels! Not the privatised ones, which are right and proper. American prosperity depends on privatised death panels! And the public-spirited funding of government by insurance companies, of course. What’s good for the actuaries is good for America!”

Microsoft Word recalled due to contamination

CENTER FOR UNEASE CONTROL, Seattle, Wednesday (NTN) — A federal court has banned Microsoft Word from sale as a poisonous substance, suspected of causing millions of brain-deaths around the world.

Microsoft Office has long been considered potentially hazardous to health, despite advertising claiming that “four out of five CEOs prefer Outlook” and most of the billions of dollars sloshing around in major banks’ credit-default swaps before the Great Recession actually having been calculated in macros in Excel.

Workers whose computers are infected with Microsoft Office are advised to press “escape,” step slowly away from the desk, break into a run and gather at the official hazardous substances meeting point, in the pub around the corner from the office.

Symptoms include nausea, irritability and short temper, hostility, homicidal impulses, loss of mental clarity, diarrhoea, mental confusion and liver damage from excess alcohol consumption.

Doctors have recommended victims of Word use OpenOffice instead, its “majestic” startup time giving one healthy pause to catch one’s breath, make a cup of tea and nip off to the loo, and its fibrous composition providing the same health-giving effects and taste sensation as eating a bowl of sawdust with milk every morning for the rest of your life. Many sufferers have instead opted to write on toilet paper with a burnt stick.

Donaldson declares “brave new world” of spare parts

OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Whitehall, Monday (NTNHS) — Chief Medical Officer Sir Liam Donaldson has called for a “presumed consent” organ donation system, where anyone violating any NHS guideline is presumed ready to be rendered down for bits.

Over eight thousand people are on the NHS waiting list. “Resolving the organ system and declaring the consumption of alcohol a capital crime, as well as a morrrtal sin, are my two main goals before I resign in May.”

Sir Liam said the majority of people do not have a “prissiness” about donating organs. “Many have expressed to me their enthusiastic support and made helpful suggestions.” Popular public proposals for acts of express consent include:

  • PHONING in a vote on The X-Factor;
  • PLAYING tinny synthetic R’n’B on a mobile phone on public transport;
  • DAWDLING on Oxford Street in the runup to Christmas;
  • VOTING UKIP for any public position;
  • READING the Daily Mail without appropriate protective eyewear and headgear.

“All these will be regarded as evidence of brain death and the public will be asked to call the NHS Emergency Customer Assistance Squad in to haul the perpetrator off to the knackers’ yard. With enough parts, we can build better, purer, more righteous Britons. Labour’s noble future is assured!”

Despite these rules, Katie Price has been rejected from the register for having too small a proportion of her body not made of plastic.

Gordon Brown has made it clear that he will not rule out a change in the law if public awareness campaigns fail to boost the donor register. “Someone keeps adding my name to the list, however. Peter! PETER!”

Household chemicals stealing boys’ manliness

STRAIGHT’S THE WORD, Bruxelles, Saturday (NotScientist) — Ubiquitous chemical contamination, driven by the radical feminist agenda, is driving down sperm counts and feminising male children across the developed world.

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Nicola McLeanYoung boys produce less sperm and developing feminised behaviour, in which they dress up in pink, have tea parties, read the Guardian and pooh-pooh stories in Metro about how our caveman ancestors explain all modern social gender determinism. Many apparently prefer indie rock music to football, proving they are therefore poofters and must be beaten up.

Harriet Harwoman, the minister for men, has committed Britain to higher levels of gender-bending chemicals in their blood, to sell us out to her EU masters and accelerate our utter national defeat at the hands of manly Polish asylum-seeking radical Muslim terrorist Frenchmen out to destroy the prices of British-owned houses in Normandy.

“We are outraged,” said Stephen Green of Christian Voice. His organisation is working with a group of volunteers to record a song highlighting the problem that will eliminate any effeminacy in British culture. “We’ve made sure the video projects proper masculine role models: a police officer, a cowboy, a construction worker, a soldier. The song talks about the masculine pursuits available at the Young Men’s Christian Association. It’s really very catchy. I can’t see how it won’t be a complete success.”

Dating site matches people through E. coli tests

KALLIKAK, Gattaca, Saturday (NotScientist) — Genetic testing companies are promising to match couples based on Escherichia coli testing, touting the benefits of biological compatibility and claiming a match means better personality match, better sex and conclusive proof that they match down to the asshole.

“How many dating services can you think of where assholes can meet an asshole they really deserve?” said Eric Holzle, founder of AssholePersonalityDisorderMatch.com.

Head up assPeople tend to be attracted to those whose personalities are appropriately complementary to their own. APDMatch claims to be able to ascertain this by scientifically measuring the characteristics of a prospective couple’s digestive tracts.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV-TR) inexplicably fails to detail Asshole Personality Disorder. However, a diagnosis of APD requires five or more of the following to be present for a significant period of time:

  • Self-importance
  • Refusal to acknowledge or even comprehend social rules
  • Delusions of adequacy
  • Believes others would do just fine if only they were sensible like him
  • Beliefs appear to change to match the situation, but that’s just other people being idiotic
  • Pride in their superior people skills
  • Recto-cranial inversion
  • Projection of all symptoms on this list onto those around them.

“If we can make sure that assholes end up with other assholes,” said Dr Holzle, “we can save the rest of us from dealing with their ridiculous bullshit.”

But don’t put too much faith in this, experts said. Dr. Rocio Moran, medical director of the General Genetics Clinic at the Cleveland Clinic, called the idea “ridiculous,” and said the science of assholism is too complex to work out by looking at a few bacterial traces.

“They are just trying to make a buck,” she said. “Focusing on getting those bucks from assholes is, of course, commendable. But assholism is subtle and endemic. How many times have you heard some asshole proclaim, ‘hah, that really sticks it to those assholes!’?”

Holzle was not able to point to any success stories. “Quite frankly, the site tends to attract assholes. And do you think we ever want to talk to these people again? We have to swab these assholes’ goddamn assholes. What a pile of shit this job is. What the hell was I thinking? Apparently some have bred. This will probably doom the human gene pool. I’m so very, very sorry.”

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Chocolate reduces chocolate manufacturers’ stress

VEVEY, Suisse, Friday (NNN) — A small bar of dark chocolate a day helps keep stress at bay, say researchers at Nestlé, particularly the stress of chocolate manufacturers looking at sales figures.

Death by chocolateChocolate cuts levels of stress hormones and supplies valuable income that the company can further apply to killing Third World babies and buying its competitors to avoid boycotts.

“We must note that this only applies to Nestlé products,” said scientifically independent research shill Sunil Kochhar. “Cadbury and Lindt are well known to cause pimples, impotence and lard. I hear they make your period worse.”

Workers around the country noted this as a verification of common sense. “If I glare at people each month,” said Brenda Busybody, 45 (IQ), “chocolate magically appears at my desk. Good, that.

“The best chocolates for stress, though, are the ones with liqueur in the middle. The important point with these is that the chocolate shell is entirely optional. The essential good effects can be duplicated with the fine products of Bombay Sapphire and tonic. And a cig or six.

“Hell, I can’t even take out my frustrations on the poor bastard handing out London Lite after today. It’s clear that chocolate, gin and cigarette-based stress reduction is a medical necessity and needs to be employer-supported. Or I’ll tear your head off and shit down your neck.

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New warning on “perfect vaginas”

THE PINK LINE, Scunthorpe, Monday (NNN) — Generally objectionable, odious and unpleasant people are going so far as medical intervention to turn them into absolute cunts, says a report in the British Journal of Obstetrical and Gynaecological Metaphors.

Generic toilet-door designer vagina“There is a shocking lack of information on the risks of the procedure,” say researchers at University College London . “Reasonably pleasant and well-presented school leavers are turning into real estate agents and bad science journalists. They pay far too much attention to their presentation at the expense of actual depths. Some prefer the phrase ‘designer vagina,’ ’cos it rhymes and all, but we must objectively and scientifically describe them accurately: a pack of complete and utter cunts.”

Operations to remove the ability to perceive one’s own objectionable behaviour are on the rise. A sort of loud, braying sneer is a common option. Many also make the cunt as shallow as possible. “Their personality presents a sort of genital surface and nothing at all behind it except a shit-laden rectum.” Many subjects are motivated by career opportunities, often spurred on by managers who have this particular talent naturally. “Geniuses of cunt, some of them.”

But surgeons said the report overplayed the risks of an established procedure. “As a plastic surgeon, I have often considered having the operation myself,” said Douglas George of the British Association of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgeons (BOOBIES) as he jiggled his DD implants toward the camera. “But it proved unnecessary in my case. By the way, we’re doing a great deal on internal plastic surgery. Save yourself the hideous embarrassment of a less than perfectly presented X-ray! Get a promotion at work!”

Risks to society include designer cunts admiring each other’s cuntishness and reproducing, having a child whose genes make them actually reasonably normal and decent people brought up by a pair of real cunts.

The worst cases are when some “utter and total cunt” talks his quite nice girlfriend into getting a designer labioplasty, just to try to make her feel insecure about a part of her body that no-one in the world except the two of them ever sees. Spurious media reports claiming labioplasties are on the rise are a common and vector for this sort of cuntishness. “You have to really be a completely and utterly cuntish cunt to be such a cunt about cunts. ’Cos cunts are excellent, but cunts aren’t.”

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Scientists surprised to find men attracted to women with big tits

PAGE 3, Channel 5, Tuesday (NNN) — Women with large breasts appear to attract the attention of men, scientists were absolutely amazed to discover.

Nigella Lawson’s intelligent breastsResearchers from the University of Metro, writing in Evolution and Human Behaviour Illustrated, have spent many, many hours studying 16,000 women and girls, and their boobs, in quite close detail to investigate anecdotal reports that men’s attention is often attracted by women with sizable mammaries. Moreover, the more spectacular the norks in question, the greater the propensity for passing men to walk into a lamp post in a comical manner.

The more voluptuous women were also found to be more intelligent on average, performing better on cognitive tests, although the male researchers were reduced to drooling idiocy and largely not all that interested really. “We don’t want to compromise our scientific objectivity by seeing if the subjects are capable of speech,” said one researcher with his hands firmly jammed into his pockets.

The story was illustrated with a picture of Nigella Lawson, who has a degree in mediæval and modern languages from Oxford, a really quite splendid pair and a propensity for leaning over on telly.

The researchers speculated this was to do with fatty acids found on the hips, such as Omega-3. Or possibly something to do with our caveman ancestors, as these sort of stories tend to be. But pretty much no-one read that far.

Further studies are likely to prove that water is wet, the sky is blue and that men, particularly researchers and science journalists, think with their cocks. In the meantime, here’s a helpful, educational and newsworthy illustrative photograph of Nigella Lawson’s fabulous rack.

Julie Bindel: Trannies nicked my paper on the Tube

DERAIL REPLACEMENT BUS, Tranniesport for London, Thursday (Mediocre Grauniad) — I love travelling on the tube. Where women are women, men are refuse and transsexuals don’t offend me with their alleged existence. But since the advent of free papers such as Metro, it feels like my reading material isn’t my own. Trannies keep nicking my paper.

Julie Bindel in her heartNo sooner do I put one paper down to browse through another than it gets appropriated by some man with breasts. And when I demand its paperwork proving it’s the gender it spuriously claims to be, it looks at me funny!

I believe in share and share alike, but this morning I put my copy of Transsexuals: The “Women” Behind Hitler down on the seat opposite and someone who looked like a bearded man but was far too pretty to be one by birth — men do nothing for me, so this was obviously a woman — just leaned over and took it. Damned cheek! I called it a penis-wielding misogynist magazine rapist, but it just looked at me oddly, so obviously didn’t have a penis.

Does this happen to you or do I just look like a mug or soft touch? Don’t they know I work hard at discussing serious feminist issues and gender determinism in society?

I believe they do. Transsexuals have been hounding me for years, just because I quite objectively described them as misbegotten scum who should be put out of our ideological misery. Hideous twilight in-betweeners, trying to hijack female privilege from real women. Vile and odious halfling monsters oppressing women and children, particularly me, by their mere existence and interrupting my important journalistic work and committing the misogynistic hate crime of interfering with my speaking fee income. Hell, I bet they’d question Julie Burchill’s feminist cred.

The worst was last night after a few serious feminist drinks at which we resolved that “Andrea” Waddell had logically relinquished all right to be considered human. I woke up in the morning to discover some fucking tranny had puked all down my shirt. Worse than that, one had pissed my pants too. Fucksakes.