FAT CITY, Formerly Pork, Sunday (NTN) — Panic buying and butter riots gripped the nation’s dairy cabinets after a proposal by heart surgeon Shyam Kolvekar to ban butter for the sake of public health.

“I realise he’s probably quite disgusted with having to plunger greasy geysers of chunky lard out of the arteries of bloblike creatures that subsist entirely on fried food and cigarettes brought to their doors by home delivery so that they don’t have to risk accidentally doing anything resembling exercise,” said fat celebrity cook Jamie Oliver. “But this is an absolutely unacceptable imposition on the British way of life. I blame the EU myself.”

“It’s the nanny state at work,” thundered dairy farmer David Halfhead. “As if a respected heart surgeon knows anything about what damages hearts. People should take much more notice of the fat celebrity cook and the dairy farmer than the patronising opinions of some ‘expert’ who probably supports climate change. I’ve also got some Celebrity Big Brother contestants who can tell you how good butter is, if you like.”

“Balderdash,” said Boris Busybody, 77 (IQ), of East Cheam. “I eat nothing but lard with butter on top and a sprinkle of cholesterol, drink seven pints of strong ale and smoke an ounce of shag a day and gargle battery acid in between hitting myself with a crowbar and I’ve never been to a doctor in me life. I credit reading the Daily Mail, so my body doesn’t have to support one of them ‘brain’ things. Nothing but trouble, they are.”

“I only did it ‘cos of fame,” said John Lydon. “You don’t think I actually eat the stuff, do you?”

OH FUCK NOT HEALTH, Whitehall, Monday (NTNHS) — Chief Medical Officer Sir Liam Donaldson has called for a “presumed consent” organ donation system, where anyone violating any NHS guideline is presumed ready to be rendered down for bits.

Over eight thousand people are on the NHS waiting list. “Resolving the organ system and declaring the consumption of alcohol a capital crime, as well as a morrrtal sin, are my two main goals before I resign in May.”

Sir Liam said the majority of people do not have a “prissiness” about donating organs. “Many have expressed to me their enthusiastic support and made helpful suggestions.” Popular public proposals for acts of express consent include:

• PHONING in a vote on The X-Factor;
• PLAYING tinny synthetic R’n’B on a mobile phone on public transport;
• DAWDLING on Oxford Street in the runup to Christmas;
• VOTING UKIP for any public position;
• READING the Daily Mail without appropriate protective eyewear and headgear.

“All these will be regarded as evidence of brain death and the public will be asked to call the NHS Emergency Customer Assistance Squad in to haul the perpetrator off to the knackers’ yard. With enough parts, we can build better, purer, more righteous Britons. Labour’s noble future is assured!”

Despite these rules, Katie Price has been rejected from the register for having too small a proportion of her body not made of plastic.

Gordon Brown has made it clear that he will not rule out a change in the law if public awareness campaigns fail to boost the donor register. “Someone keeps adding my name to the list, however. Peter! PETER!”

STRAIGHT’S THE WORD, Bruxelles, Saturday (NotScientist) — Ubiquitous chemical contamination, driven by the radical feminist agenda, is driving down sperm counts and feminising male children across the developed world.

Young boys produce less sperm and developing feminised behaviour, in which they dress up in pink, have tea parties, read the Guardian and pooh-pooh stories in Metro about how our caveman ancestors explain all modern social gender determinism. Many apparently prefer indie rock music to football, proving they are therefore poofters and must be beaten up.

Harriet Harwoman, the minister for men, has committed Britain to higher levels of gender-bending chemicals in their blood, to sell us out to her EU masters and accelerate our utter national defeat at the hands of manly Polish asylum-seeking radical Muslim terrorist Frenchmen out to destroy the prices of British-owned houses in Normandy.

“We are outraged,” said Stephen Green of Christian Voice. His organisation is working with a group of volunteers to record a song highlighting the problem that will eliminate any effeminacy in British culture. “We’ve made sure the video projects proper masculine role models: a police officer, a cowboy, a construction worker, a soldier. The song talks about the masculine pursuits available at the Young Men’s Christian Association. It’s really very catchy. I can’t see how it won’t be a complete success.”

THE PINK LINE, Scunthorpe, Monday (NNN) — Generally objectionable, odious and unpleasant people are going so far as medical intervention to turn them into absolute cunts, says a report in the British Journal of Obstetrical and Gynaecological Metaphors.

“There is a shocking lack of information on the risks of the procedure,” say researchers at University College London . “Reasonably pleasant and well-presented school leavers are turning into real estate agents and bad science journalists. They pay far too much attention to their presentation at the expense of actual depths. Some prefer the phrase ‘designer vagina,’ ’cos it rhymes and all, but we must objectively and scientifically describe them accurately: a pack of complete and utter cunts.”

Operations to remove the ability to perceive one’s own objectionable behaviour are on the rise. A sort of loud, braying sneer is a common option. Many also make the cunt as shallow as possible. “Their personality presents a sort of genital surface and nothing at all behind it except a shit-laden rectum.” Many subjects are motivated by career opportunities, often spurred on by managers who have this particular talent naturally. “Geniuses of cunt, some of them.”

But surgeons said the report overplayed the risks of an established procedure. “As a plastic surgeon, I have often considered having the operation myself,” said Douglas George of the British Association of Aesthetic and Plastic Surgeons (BOOBIES) as he jiggled his DD implants toward the camera. “But it proved unnecessary in my case. By the way, we’re doing a great deal on internal plastic surgery. Save yourself the hideous embarrassment of a less than perfectly presented X-ray! Get a promotion at work!”

Risks to society include designer cunts admiring each other’s cuntishness and reproducing, having a child whose genes make them actually reasonably normal and decent people brought up by a pair of real cunts.

The worst cases are when some “utter and total cunt” talks his quite nice girlfriend into getting a designer labioplasty, just to try to make her feel insecure about a part of her body that no-one in the world except the two of them ever sees. Spurious media reports claiming labioplasties are on the rise are a common and vector for this sort of cuntishness. “You have to really be a completely and utterly cuntish cunt to be such a cunt about cunts. ’Cos cunts are excellent, but cunts aren’t.”