All posts by David Gerard

Finance, Technology, United States

Bitcoin to revolutionise the economy

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Bitcoin is a decentralised computer currency designed by self-righteous Ayn Rand-reading nerds who despise looters and parasites like, er, you. It is used to purchase Internet services, illegal drugs and pictures of naked women holding video cards.

Bitcoin works by an emergent synergy of cryptography, peer-to-peer, anonymity, anarchism, libertarianism, wasting stupendous quantities of electricity, the marketing department at NVidia, the enduring exchange value of tulip bulbs and doing all of this instead of Folding@Home.

Bitcoin successfully harnesses a hitherto-unexploited Internet resource: the vast reserves of unexamined privilege amongst computer programmers. Coins are “mined” by stealing them from people who are able to comprehend this level of computer science but still keep their Bitcoin wallet in plain text on a Windows machine.

The Bitcoin system is robustly designed to continue past the inevitable collapse of the US dollar and the world economy, as the Internet, fast computers and reliable electricity are all expected to be readily available when barbarian hordes are wandering the burnt-out post-apocalyptic remnants of civilisation.

It is completely incorrect to describe Bitcoin as a “pyramid scheme.” Technically, it’s a “pump-and-dump.”

Many common products are still inexplicably not purchasable with Bitcoins. “It’s like they don’t understand the revolutionary wonder of Bitcoin,” says Debian developer Hiram Nerdboy, 17. “I can’t get chicks with Bitcoins either. Even with my slickest Pick-Up Artist techniques! It’s as if my knowledge of economics, game theory and Bayesian epistemology didn’t substitute for understanding anything about people. But that’s impossible, of course. They’re probably just theists. Hold on, I just gotta post to Slashdot about this.”

Bitcoin was invented by Internet libertarians, in the spirit of freely-chosen individual interpersonal interactions that will bring about the utter collapse of the oppressive taint of the dead hand of government, in order to make money at your expense.

Entertainment, United Kingdom

J. K. Rowling decides “richer than Queen” not enough, aims for “Sultan of Brunei” level

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ORTHOGON ALLEY, Mammon Managed, Friday (fanfiction.net) — J. K. Rowling is further repackaging the dribbling arse of the Harry Potter series, in evident disbelief of old sayings about blood and stones.

Snape is not impressedThe final film, Harry Potter and the Deathly Lack of Further Books, is being released shortly. Rowling has carefully assembled a package to get free publicity out of the newspapers for the new project, Harry Potter and the Wallet Vampire.

Initial fan predictions for the new project, based on absolutely no actual information whatsoever, included a Potter encyclopedia, an online role-playing game, a “giant theme park”, a dessert wax and a floor topping. “Definitely the floor wax,” said Essex housewife and fan fiction author Luna Hypatia Grainger-Potter (née Tracey Clegg), 43, of Sheppey.

The new series will be created with the assistance of editorially-respected science fiction ghostwriter Kevin J. Anderson, author of The Many-Coloured Dune, Dune Skywalker, Klingons of Dune, Dunentology and Dunanetics, The Dunehiker’s Guide to the Dunacy and Remembrance Of Dunes Past/In Search of Lost Dune.

“Kevin taught me everything,” said Rowling. “Did you know you can outsource the writing bit to India now?”

Technology, United Kingdom

Actual jail time for being blithering idiot on Internet

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CYBERPRION, Arsebook, September (times.co.uk) — The much-maligned British justice system was lauded the world over today as someone was actually jailed for being a drooling lackwit on the Internet.

Drunk Facebook girlGene pool blight Joanne Fraill admitted researching the defendant she was trying as a juror, contacting the defendant during the case and telling the defendant about the jury’s deliberations. “It seemed like a good idea at the time. Lol.”

Fraill had previously come to police attention for seventeen “OMG”s, ten hopelessly misspelt status updates and, in an example the judge condemned as “one of the most egregious violations of human decency I can recall seeing,” rumours of over thirty YouTube comments.

The Internet has been hailed as the universal communication channel, allowing humanity to come together in cultural unity and mutual understanding, and bring the fruits of our collective idiocy to all. In our faces. Forever.

George Osborne announced plans to solve Britain’s economic woes with a special tax on Internet creationism, scientific racism and libertarianism, although the United States threatened to enact special laws to protect American bloggers’ constitutional right to be a fuckwit from British courts.

Drunk Facebook girl 2

Despite some protests, which have been ignored for stupidity and incomprehensibility, the British public has enthusiastically embraced the moves, fully agreeing that it was about time we gave fascism a chance.

“When they came for the Trekkies, I said ‘Hey, you guys missed a couple. See, there’s one right over there.’ When they came for the spammers, I said ‘Glad to see my tax money at work!’ When they came for the AOL users, I said ‘October came late this year.’ When they came for the people who post their messages in txt spk, I said ‘So, you guys hiring anytime soon?'”

Defence, Technology, United Kingdom

UK plans cyber-weapons programme

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HEY HEY 16K, R: Tape Loading Error, Thursday (NTK) — GCHQ has begun work on a range of uniquely British cyber-weapons to add to Britain’s defensive capability.

Atari 5200 Missile Command“Cyber-Space,” said General Jonathan Shaw, pronouncing the hyphen between the words, “represents conflict without borders. But we can use the finest of British technical pluck to fight off Johnny Cyberforeigner!”

“We need a toolbox of capabilities,” said armed forces minister Nick Harvey. “For instance, we have a truckload of old Psion EPOCs, which are excellent for hand-to-hand combat. We can also demoralise the enemy with talk of what a fantastic OS it has and how their Nokia with Symbian just can’t compare. Then, of course, we drive a truck over them.”

Other research weapons include Sinclair ZX81 ninja stars, BBC Model B boat anchors and more ethically questionable devices such as Amstrad Emailer land mines.

The foreign secretary, William Hague, told a security conference in Munich in February that the Foreign Office had repelled a cyber-attack a month earlier from “a hostile agency. Fortunately, Mesh Computers are now safely in administration and can’t sell us incredibly rubbish white box PCs ever again.”

Harvey did not specify where future threats might come from. “It would be foolish to assume the West can always dictate the pace and direction of this cyber-techno-electrickery-logy-stuff. Thing. I understand there are clever people in the world who don’t even live in Britain. Imagine that!

The cyber-warfare initiative is anticipated to fully achieve its objectives over the next five years, those being a suitably fattened defence budget and continuing contract bungs to BAE Systems.

Finance, United Kingdom

Bizarre benefits fraud excuses revealed by government

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THE OSBOURNES, Bog Society, Sunday (NTN) — A survey by fraud investigators has revealed their top ten worst excuses used by the evil benefit cheats depriving you, yes you, of valuable pennies you could have put toward your next pint.

  • Bayer Heroin bottle“We didn’t realise the NHS needed that six billion quid, we just had to make a few million phone calls.”
  • “Don’t tell me you give a shit about the tax your supermarket pays if you get your milk 2p cheaper.”
  • “It was a necessary and unavoidable cost of doing business to route every penny through Switzerland.”
  • “Kate Moss on my arm or you getting to study. I mean, let’s get serious here.”

“Benefit fraud is no joke,” said welfare reform minister Lord Fraud, “and yet our investigators are routinely dealing with barefaced cheek and ridiculous excuses for stealing money from the taxpayer.

“Fortunately, they’re mates of George’s, so we can get on with scapegoating victims we’re fairly sure probably can’t fight back. You weren’t limping on the way in here, were you?”

Religion

God: Sorry, you all suck

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DOOM, Spawn Camping, Saturday (The Word) — The Lord God, the Creator of the Universe, offered His commiserations to every soul in His Creation that they had failed to reach the standard of faith required for Rapturing today.

Thousands of dedicated Christians were not uplifted bodily to Heaven, in a wave of Rapture circling the globe at six o’clock in the evening local time.

“The Manual is extremely clear on these points,” He said through His Voice, Metatron (“I keep telling you, I’m an angel, not a Transformer”). “You mix fibres, you eat shellfish, you defecate closer than a mile from the city, you sit on a chair that your wife has ever sat on when she was on her period. And you have completely ignored the detailed instructions in the first chapter of Leviticus on how the Lord likes His barbecue.” It shook Its head in exasperation. “You’ve had the Book right there, for years!”

Atheists, originally revelling in snide and superior schadenfreude, were more than a little chagrined by the actual Voice of God quite unambiguously revealing Its existence and telling the world what it had got wrong by direct communication into the soul of every human on Earth. Millions have now signed up for the Church of Reluctantly Conceding, All Right, I Have the Verifiable Proof I was Asking For, Just Don’t Get Cocky About It, Okay.

“Never mind,” sighed Metatron. “We’ll give it another go next December, all right? Just please read the blessed Manual by then. It’s not like it’s hard to get a copy.”

Religion, Technology, United States

Religions stimulate “Apple-like” reactions in brain

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ONE INFINITE LOOP, Purgatory, Wednesday (NTN) — Neuroscientists have found that religious fervour lights up the same parts of the brain as waiting in line for your devotions at the Apple Store.

Evil Steve JobsThe scientists were interviewed by a BBC programme exploring the fantastically lucrative and popular brands springing up around the supernatural. Religions such as “Christianity” parody the story of the semi-mythical Steve Jobs’ virgin birth, adoption by a humble Silicon Valley family, founding of Apple, expulsion from the fold, decade in the wilderness and triumphant Second Coming, in which devotees were led to enlightenment, glory and hipness.

“We suspect religions may be memetic parasites latching onto the areas of the brain evolved to appreciate Apple products,” said one scientist whose name is being withheld for protection from outraged Apple jihadis. “The scans of ‘religion’ appear remarkably similar — the adrenal glands are stimulated and the same areas of the visual regions light up. Somewhat in the shape of an apple. No, really! Apple-shaped brain stigmata! I’ve contacted Cupertino with news of a miracle, and put the scans up on eBay.”

Cupertino’s response was frosty. “To have the sacred enlightenment of the products of our saviour Steve maligned by comparison to mere witchdoctor cultist mumbo-jumbo is no less than a calculated insult. One important difference is that our stuff works. … If you hold it right.” The spokesman then compared the neuroscientist’s mother to a PC.

“The comparison is ridiculous,” said “religious” leader Joe “Happy Heil” Ratzinger. “We’re just out to make an honest buck like anyone. Well, fairly honest.”

United Kingdom

Review: Train operations deckchairs to be rearranged

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WOLMAR, Beeching, Thursday (NTN) — A review has found that rail fares in Britain need to be brought down using a combination of magic beans, flying unicorns, farmyard fertiliser and, of course, cuts to services and wages.

The cost of running the network is 30% higher than other European railways. Stated reasons include the gross irresponsibility of continuing to provide wages and services, though massive and ongoing PFI subsidies to private railway operating companies for running networks into the ground was strangely not mentioned.

The report, sponsored by the previous government but to be ignored just as hard by this one, also recommends giving track maintenance back to the private companies who had done so well at Potter’s Bar and Paddington.

The railway franchise operating companies expressed concern at the report, and particularly for whether they were getting value for money from their donations to the Conservative Party. They also suggested new “capsule” carriages allowing peak-hour customers to be stacked in tubes on flat-bed trucks, with first-class passengers getting a tube to themselves.

Passenger advocacy groups gave up at this point, having worked out that sponsoring a charter helicopter flight for daily commuting was faster, cheaper and safer.

Technology

RIM makes BlackBerry that can’t read email

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CATHEDRAL AND BIZARRE, Waterloo, Monday (NTN) — Research in Motion have broken new barriers with the PlayBook tablet, a BlackBerry that can’t read email. And needs to be tethered to a phone.

GNUPhone“We feel a technology preview is just the thing we need to fight iPhone and Android in the consumer market,” said founder and co-CEO Mike Lazaridis. “The missing core functionality should be seen as areas of spectacular potential. Also, the board has ascertained that you should stay away from the brown acid, it’s not so good.”

The PlayBook has launched remarkably, with thousands of the devices being recalled for crippling operating system bugs straight after release.

In a double-tap Osborne through the head, the PlayBook uses the new QNX BlackBerry OS, which does not run current BlackBerry apps, will not be available on phones for another year and will not work on any current BlackBerry device. This is separate from OS 7, to be released soon, which will also not work on any existing BlackBerry. RIM’s present mobile carrier partners were “overwhelmed” to be stuck with so much already-obsolete stock.

RIM led the world into the smartphone era, several years before Apple’s iPhone turned everyone into the sort of twat you only ever used to see carrying a BlackBerry.

Technology industry rumours suggest a Microsoft takeover of RIM, considered an excellent match in competence and vision. “Synergy’s just another word for two and two makes one!” said Steve Ballmer. “We will assimilate your technological stench of death into our own.”

Politics, United Kingdom

Clegg bounces back with wizard new plans for House of Lords

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PARLIAMENT OF SLIGHTLY BRUISED DREAMS, Westminster, Tuesday (NTN) — The Deputy Prime Minister, Nick Clegg, has followed up his spectacular success in the alternative vote referendum with exciting reforms for the House of Lords that no-one will care about either.

Nick Clegg and crack pipeThe plan involves 300 members, 80% of whom are elected in a process involving, remarkably enough, an alternative vote, with the first vote to take place in 2015.

Mr Clegg presented his plan in such a manner as to alienate even those MPs who already thought Lords reform was a good idea, while David Cameron stood back and maintained a fixed smile of slight embarrassment for his colleague. A number of MPs, seeing their own prospects for a peerage fade away, suggested the proposal be put to death by referendum.

“All three parties backed Lords reform in their manifestos,” he said with a frustrated whine, as if manifestos had anything to do with what parties did once elected.

Mr Clegg showed some exasperation at his colleagues, and at the voters for not being educated and informed enough to care about how logical his plans were in the face of minor inconveniences such as a completely fucked economy occupying their attention.