WOLMAR, Beeching, Thursday (NTN) — A review has found that rail fares in Britain need to be brought down using a combination of magic beans, flying unicorns, farmyard fertiliser and, of course, cuts to services and wages.

The cost of running the network is 30% higher than other European railways. Stated reasons include the gross irresponsibility of continuing to provide wages and services, though massive and ongoing PFI subsidies to private railway operating companies for running networks into the ground was strangely not mentioned.

The report, sponsored by the previous government but to be ignored just as hard by this one, also recommends giving track maintenance back to the private companies who had done so well at Potter’s Bar and Paddington.

The railway franchise operating companies expressed concern at the report, and particularly for whether they were getting value for money from their donations to the Conservative Party. They also suggested new “capsule” carriages allowing peak-hour customers to be stacked in tubes on flat-bed trucks, with first-class passengers getting a tube to themselves.

Passenger advocacy groups gave up at this point, having worked out that sponsoring a charter helicopter flight for daily commuting was faster, cheaper and safer.