All posts by David Gerard

Health, Media, United Kingdom

Daily Mail causes, cures cancer

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GOLDACRE, Moron Piers, Thursday (NTN) — Taking the Daily Mail once a day, one million times the dose recommended by sensible physicians, will both induce and clear up cancer, a groundbreaking study by the Press Complaints Council has shown.

Richard Littlejohn/John LittlerichardThe latest dramatic results came from a 30-year project tracking the health of 2.2 million allegedly human subjects. Those who took two to five Daily Mails a week were far less likely to die from brain cancer due to the organ shutting down entirely under the strain. The carcinogen content of the output from the brain in question, however, “went through the roof.”

Using standard medical techniques of “psychic journalism,” Dr Paul Dacre found a marked increase in sensitivity to odious waffle, causing one’s DNA to unravel in sheer horror at the content. In some cases the advertisers also fall away, dropping to zero in the most severe and damaging examples.

 TODAY’S POLL 

Jan Moir leading the Daily Mail FrontShould terrorist ME sufferers be tortured with EU vaccine cancer?

Yes
                     102%

Only the gay ones
                     102%

Thank you for voting

The PCC noted that this was entirely due to the presence of gay Muslim asylum-seeking Polish terrorists, destroying house prices by eating swans.

Taking the Daily Mail on six or seven days cut the risk of death by 64 per cent, but only from the neck down.

Previous research suggested that the Daily Mail can protect against bowel cancer by ensuring a continuous and powerful flow through the organs in question and out the mouth.


Technology, United States

Google adopts new “Do, however, be stupid” policy

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WHEREVER YOU ARE, At All Times, forever (NTN) — In the wake of massive Buzz privacy problems, Google has announced that its slogan “Don’t Be Evil” will be extended for the 2010s with “But Do Feel Free To Be Dangerously Bloody Stupid.”

Google Sauron“I don’t see how people could ever have thought it wasn’t perfect,” said Google marketing marketer Todd Jackson. “We’ve used it in-house for ages, and our test group of white male engineers all working inside a single corporation think it’s the best thing ever! So of course we didn’t see the need for any user testing or opt-in.”

Gmail users have been up in arms at their frequent email contacts and private addresses that forward to Gmail being publicly revealed, their precise GPS location being automatically posted with updates from their mobile phone, photos you didn’t upload being pulled off your Android phone into Buzz and that switching off Buzz doesn’t actually switch it off.

“We have heard of the case of the woman whose violent stalker could track her through the Buzz function she didn’t actually switch on,” said Jackson. “But I’ve reached out and personally reassured her that, should she actually be killed, we will of course apologise for her poor product experience.”

“If you have something that you don’t want anyone to know, maybe you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt. “Having a bad husband, living a life or whatever. It’s obvious it’s her own fault for not having first found the function hidden behind three panels to untick ‘KEEP MY STALKER UPDATED ON MY EVERY MOVE.’ Some people just shouldn’t be let near computers.”

Jackson emphasised the non-evil nature of Google. “We are most definitely not evil. But if, y’know, evil just sorta happens, well. We just send the rockets up. It’s not our job to think about where they land.”

Technology

Facebook pressured to change from old style to old old style

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YOUR DESK, Turing Tarpit, Monday (NTN) — Facebook has outraged thousands of obsessive shirkplace F5-pressers by changing its layout from the layout it changed to after the layout before that.

Automated robot Facebook browserThe change has met a storm of protest from users going so far as to click “Join This Group,” with nearly two million people with, apparently, nothing whatsoever to do that they’re actually being paid to stepping forward to demand that Facebook switch back to the layout before the last one, or the one before that.

“This new format makes absolutely no sense at all,” said aggrieved office administrator Brenda Busybody, 43 (IQ), who had said the same thing each of the last three times it changed. “There’s, like, all this stuff all over the place. It’s not like the old one at all … ooh, that’s interesting, I hadn’t seen that before.”

The users vowed to continue their campaign assiduously for at least a day or two, in between working on their imaginary farm or joining “I Bet I Can Find A Million People Who Believe In Facebook Petitions Before June” or observably not giving two hoots about handing their personal details, fingerprints, DNA and probably first-born to Facebook’s advertisers if it meant they could get thirty coins on Petville.

Facebook engineer Jing Chen explained on the company blog how the changes had been extensively tested on the 599.5 million Facebook users who hadn’t joined such groups, and that he hoped everyone who wasn’t a whiny little bitch would appreciate the new experience. “There’s really nothing quite like the complaints of someone getting something for free that what they’re getting for free just isn’t perfect enough. It’s what makes Monday Monday.”

Europe, Technology, United Kingdom

Nokia frees Symbian code, three or four overjoyed

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HEY HEY 16K, Need To Know, Thursday (Big K) — Nokia, through the Symbian Foundation, has made the code for the Symbian smartphone OS open source, putting several aging geeks in raptures of delight.

GNUPhone“The Symbian OS will delight those of us who fondly remember EPOC on the Psion NetBook,” said Larry Berkin, Symbian’s head of global alliances. “God, that was an OS. Best PDA ever. Finest of British engineering. Sixteen whole kilobytes! You could run a truck over them. I bet an open source Symbian OS will let you run a truck over your phone.”

The Foundation hopes to pit Symbian against Windows Mobile. “There’s no way it can compete against our superior features, like WAP browsing, infrared connect to your laptop and, of course, the serial port.” It also hopes to set the stage for a march on the USA. “The Americans will fall before our superior engineering! Psion worked on the ZX81, you know.”

There are currently about 330 million Symbian devices in the world, at least fifteen of whose owners can actually use the web browser without wanting to throw the phone through a window and just get an iPhone. “Just think,” said Berkin, “now anyone can improve their phone! Well, they could if Nokia made phones the user could flash. But still!”

The Foundation issued a press release about how the open-sourcing of Symbian was welcomed by free software advocates and other aging hippies. “Developers everywhere will want to study Symbian,” said Eben Moglen, “to hack on it, and to write applications for it. This could be even bigger than the Amiga.”

Australia, Entertainment, Technology

AFACT v iiNet: Statement in full from the losing party

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TIN PAN VALLEY, The Matrix, Wednesday (N! News) — Film companies today expressed their disappointment that the Federal Court found that iiNet was not using orbital mind control lasers to encourage copyright infringements by its customers on its network.

Sad toilet in snowDespite findings of copyright infringement by iiNet customers, pirate flags in their front yards and downloaded cars in their driveways, iiNet did not authorise the acts of its customers, merely sitting back and watching the tens of dollars rolling in to feather their own nests at the expense of the poor beleaguered major record companies and film studios.

Australian Federation Against Copyright Theft executive director, Neil Gane, said he was disappointed by the Court’s decision. “Today’s decision is a setback for the 50,000 Australians employed in the film industry, who work hard to send money to America as fast as possible. But we believe there’s something not quoite roight about this ruling — it was based on a mere technical loophole centred on the court’s interpretation of what the law technically says in actual words and original intention, rather than what it should say. That the judge told us several separate ways in which our case failed utterly to make any sense at all is clear evidence of radical judicial activism and dangerous legislating from the bench.

“We are confident that the government does not intend a policy outcome where zombie hordes of drooling open source copyright terrorists led by the evil genius Michael Malone are allowed to continue feasting upon the flesh of the living via the iiNet network.

“We will now take the time to review the decision before seeing if we can bribe enough federal politicians to get a law more to our liking.”

Politics, United Kingdom

Gordon Brown promotes policy-based vote-counting reforms

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DAS BUNKER, London SW1A 0AA,, Tuesday (NTN) — Prime Minister Gordon Brown will promote a new voting system, in only slight desperation to hold onto the tattered remnants of power by any even vaguely plausible means.

Gordon Brown as Nicola McLean, blackwashedThe new Alternative Vote system will involve votes for Labour being counted as Labour, votes for the Tories being counted as Labour, votes for the BNP being counted as Monster Raving Loony and votes for the Lib Dems being counted as silly.

“This is part of a ‘new politics’ that will restore public trust damaged by the expenses controversy,” he said. “We can steal an election on the cheap just as effectively. See, we shuffle this vote over here. Ministers schedule debates here. This vote goes over here and is counted by the policy-based mathematician we just put into the Lords and made Minister for Hyperspatial Arithmetic. Then Peter practices his ballroom dancing on the bleached skulls of those who were foolish enough to object last time. Nothing can possibly go wrong!”

Parliament was actually surprised that the plans involved giving less power to Parliament and more to ministers parachuted into the Lords.

“I will serve a full term when, I mean if, re-elected,” said Mr Brown. “You can be sure I will be here for the full five years. Heck, we might not even need to have an election next time. Or the time after. So Peter says, anyway. I’m sure you trust him as much as I do.”

Finance, United Kingdom

Bank of England shocked to discover that just printing money doesn’t work very well

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GROUND ZERO, London EC1, Sunday (NTN) — The Bank of England’s Monetary Policy Committee is expected this week to halt its £200 billion blitz of quantitative easing, otherwise known as just printing money.

Bomb-throwing capitalist“Just printing money is a task of surgical precision,” said Mervyn King. “But we are enormously pleased that the economy has grown a massive 0.1 per cent, with inflation of only three per cent to get there. We’re sure your daughters can cope with you selling them on the streets just a few years longer.”

The Institute of Economic Affairs has called for just printing money to be extended by another £50 billion, to around 10 per cent of GDP, since inflation affects the rich far less than anyone else. The Ernst & Young ITEM Club has warned that the end of just printing money risks triggering a fresh slump in commercial property values, as if anyone had any new businesses to rent them for in the first place.

The US Federal Reserve issued a uncompromising warning on Friday about the “uncharted waters” the financial sector finds itself in following the recession, where people have actually noticed what they do for a living and have started carrying nooses around with them in case they meet a banker. “They’ve worked out that just printing money fucks them over too. Ixnay on the onusesbay!”

The pound sterling has been replaced in day-to-day consumer use with twigs and small rocks, as these currently have much greater practical exchange value. One-way holidays to Zimbabwe are also proving popular.

Technology, United States

Microsoft phases out support for Netscape 4, so there

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NO MICROSOFT WAY, Infinite Loop, Friday (NTN) — Microsoft is phasing out support for Netscape 4, in retaliation for Google declaring Internet Explorer 6 a “pustulent syphilitic drunken crack whore with no mates. And bad breath. Who smells funny.”

Google has given up bothering to support IE6 on its sites, directing the doubtless hideously virus-infected users of the browser to download another browser. Any other browser. “Lynx will give you a vastly superior YouTube experience. Now it will, anyway.”

“The Mozilla Foundation has completely failed to fix problems in Netscape 4 that have been around for years,” said Microsoft marketing marketer Jonathan Ness. “Furthermore, Firefox gets just as many hacks as Internet Explorer, and pay no attention to my lengthening nose.”

In December, Chinese hackers exploited a weak spot in IE6 that Microsoft had only known about since September. Following this, governments worldwide told people to get the hell off IE6, except Britain, which relies on IE6 to leak data when there are insufficient funds for USB sticks or train journeys for civil servants.

Web designers around the world welcomed Google’s move, but have not given up their Bill Gates dartboards just yet. “‘That is not dead which can eternal lie, And with strange aeons even death may die.’ Steve Ballmer said that, you know.”

Health, United Kingdom

Scotland to make cigarettes way cooler and sexier

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MARLBOROSPOTTING, Leith Central Station, Thursday (NTN) — The Scottish Parliament has passed tough new tobacco laws that will make Scotland a world leader in smoking as forbidden pleasurable temptation.

Naomi Campbell smokingThe Bill bans shops from displaying tobacco products, outlaws cigarette vending machines and introduces a registration system for tobacco retailers.

Retailers hailed the move as adding a fabulously marketable mystique around smoking. “I can’t think of a better way of making tobacco the hip thing with the young people,” said Glasgow newsagent Fiona Barrett, “thinking they’re immortal and so really enjoying their invigorating daily — I mean, hourly — taste of death. We’ll put up signs saying ‘PRODUCTS FOR SALE* *wording changed to comply with the Tobacco and Primary Medical Services (Scotland) Bill 2010’ and they’ll have to ask for them specially. And show identification. I’m thinking of wearing a trenchcoat inside the shop to sell them from, and I can speak to the user — I mean, customer — hissing out the side of my mouth. We can sell the really shit ones for more money, too.

“Also, they’ll hopefully drive the price up, meaning more profit from our dear, dear hopelessly addicted customers. Inelastic demand is great stuff — microeconomics, do you speak it?”

“Holyrood has recognised the importance of protecting Scotland’s children against the dangers of smoking,” said Marjory Burns, director of British Heart Foundation Scotland. “Now the kids can take up healthier pursuits like Buckfast and heroin.”

Technology, United States

Apple launches iPad for that time of iMonth

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ST STEVE’S BASILICA, Cupertino, Wednesday (NTN) — Cult leader Steve Jobs has announced the iPad, a “revolutionary” advance in stylish personal hygiene with elegant design.

The iPad has a 9.7in full-colour touchpad and wings. According to the box, you can watch movies, surf the internet, listen to music, view photos, read electronic books and go horseback riding, swimming, cycling, mountain-climbing and roller-skating. It also comes with iWork, which lets you do interesting and productive things at the office in between screaming at everyone for being such annoying and thoughtless idiots.

Apple has also launched an app store for the iPad which will allow users to purchase chocolate, whisky and heavy objects for when some fucker crosses you, dares look at you funny or is the sort of clueless arsehole who thinks the explanation of how pissed off you are at his behaviour is always PMT. Look, even if it might be, that’s not the point.

For those who find pads too bulky, a special fluffy version of the iPod Shuffle is available, on a string.

Microsoft, who have attempted to sell increasingly bulky folded bath towels for the past decade, were not available for comment. Linux users and the Free Software Foundation started petitions advocating mooncups, but no-one paid them any attention.

“In conclusion,” said Mr Jobs, “please, please don’t kill me, darling. I love you more than anyone, honestly. Uhm … flowers?”